I've been thinking about this meme a lot lately. What choice do I have but to accept what has happened and do my best at continuing to live this life I have been given. Isn't it the way to truly honor the life and legacy of my husband? I don't like what has happened. I don't enjoy living this life alone. I miss so stinking much. But I can't change it all by fighting against it. A mountain man tries to live with the country instead of against it. Louis L'Amour
I believe these are not only wise words, but true to the core. This IS my life. Mostly moving confusingly along each moment. Not sure how to come to terms with Rick's death - or if I can. Something to be accepted, simply because I cannot change it. But "to come to terms" when it means simply to "reach an agreement with"? Nope. I cannot. For I cannot agree to Rick's death. I want him to go back and fight for health and life while he had a chance. I want the outcome to be different. He always told me to go back to sleep and make the dream have a different ending. I want to go back to sleep so that this nightmare can change. Sigh. "Sometimes you will have to give yourself your own closure." I think that would be the greatest gift.
All of these words are true, too. I think I am finally getting to the point where it's all sinking in to my soul, in an accepting sort of way. I'm learning my value, my worth. I'm learning to exercise self-respect. I'm learning to take steps back away from others, and step towards myself. Still trying to figure out what I deserve ... Sigh.
I find myself crying out so often these days, "I just want to go home!" And then I stop, dry my eyes, and say out loud yet again, "There remains no more home for me." So, I take a deep breath, and find something to occupy my thoughts for a few more minutes, until the next cry of my soul finds its way out. I just want to go HOME.