Written Day 71 ... July 3, 2015
I miss you Rick - even our arguments, I miss you. Even the bad times - I miss you.
Rick, I love you so much, and I miss you like crazy. I hope you know this. I hope you understand just how much you meant to me all those years. I hope you know that you were not a burden to me - even on the bad days. A bad day with you was so much better than a good day without you!!! I miss you so much!!! You were worth every moment of our life together!
I miss your love. I miss your touches. I miss being hugged, and hugging you. I miss your kisses, and kissing you. I miss your smell, the feel of your hair in my fingers. I miss reaching up and touching your face - just loving you with everything that is in me.
I am not angry. I haven't been angry in these 71 days. Not angry with God - He has been my Strength, my Comfort, my Hope, my Peace. Not angry with Rick - I don't understand all the things that Rick ever said or did, or even the things he refused to do. I have been told that it is "ok to be angry". I know this. Yet, I wonder if it is "ok" to not be angry?
One question I have asked myself, asked God, and even asked others -- Will me being angry bring Rick back? Will me being angry change one thing of our past together?
I think I am just too tired and weary in this grief and with the sorrow to be angry.
The last 3 years of Rick's life was hard on both of us. When good health fades away, and you begin to deal with illnesses, diagnoses, diseases, pains that have horrible names, learning how to live in spite of it all - it's a hard time.
We had our good times and our bad times. We tried to be honest - even brutally honest, even to the point that I was told we were sharing too much. But you know, Rick and I never wanted to be anything but real Christians. In season and out of season Christians. We live a real life, with a real God. Why sugar coat life??? God is a real God - He is with us, loving us, on the good days ... and with us, loving us, on the bad days.
There is an old gospel song - "Through it All" - that became our song. It is our testimony. It is the witness of our life. And even more - it is my song, my prayer ... Now.
I cry. A lot on some days. And some days, I don't cry until the night time. Always the tears are just below the surface. Doesn't take much to make the memories and the love roll down my cheeks. It doesn't take much for the scared, little girl in me to cry out, either!
My kids have been absolutely awesome to me in these 71 days. Loving me. Holding me. Crying with me. Making me laugh. They listen to me. They share with me. They are there for me. And I appreciate every heart beat of life with them. Life has become more precious to me - just the absolute realization that it can be over in one heartbeat, one moment of time.
Seeing the life of our grandkids, and hearing their laughter, has been such a joy and great comfort to me. Their tender kisses, and sweet hugs. They walk by me and touch me lightly. More kisses and hugs than I have ever gotten from them - and I have always gotten a lot! So very, very, very thankful for our grandkids.
Rick -- you done good!
And still, I wonder what God wants to do with me now. I wonder what His plans are for my future. Holding onto Jeremiah 29:11
And I find myself wondering more and more - who am I???
I spent a lifetime in love with my husband. I fell in love with him when I was 10 years old. Yes, 10 years old. I knew my mind and my heart then ... God put Rick in my heart. I set my cap for him - and God granted the desires of my heart. To be his wife. To be his friend. To be the mother of his children, and the keeper of his home.
Rick loved me with complete abandonment. It was easy to circle my wagon around him. To let him make the choices of where and what we ate, what we watched, when we went to bed, and when we got up. To let him decide where we went that day, and what we were doing. Even to where we lived and worked. He helped in the home - not just with physical working to help me, but by his input on what I was doing, ideas for decorating, being my taste-tester when I cooked. We shared books - from telling one another what we were reading, to discussing a book, to even reading out loud to one another. I deferred to him (willingly and joyfully) as to what to wear that day, how to fix my hair, what color to do my nails in. We talked over every dollar that we ever spent.
And now ... without my love, without him as a guiding force in my life ... who am I? What do I like to eat? What do I want to drink? What do I like to do? What do I enjoy watching?
Rick and I had a very unique relationship - which just for the record - came into question by others more often than not. But it was OURS. OUR marriage. OUR life. OUR friendship. OURS.
So no wonder I feel so very lost ... and lonely.
God knows all this. I believe He even understands. Which is why HE holds me moment by moment.
I know that it will take a long time - if ever - for me to figure out the answers to all these questions.
I am still praying about what to do with this website and blog.
Do I continue it? Do I just close it down?
Do I just let it stand as it is ... ending it now with Rick?
Or do I journey on ... alone?
This blog and website have been a source of therapy to me, to write all these things down, the good and the bad, as well as the indifferent.
I pray for wisdom and for direction in this.
And if God leads me to continue this - I pray that it will be an encouragement and a help to someone else. I know that not one of us lives unto ourselves.
I pray to always lift Jesus up - and that He will draw others unto Himself.
I hope if you read this, or if you watch my life, that you will know just how real I am.
I love the Lord with all my heart. And I miss my husband so much!
I am too tired, too weary, to play games.
I don't want to wallow in the grief and sorrow - but I cannot pretend that all is good, either.
I read the Psalms and I hear David as he rejoices in the good and I hear his cries of anguish over the bad times. David was called the "apple of His eye". Wow.
If you read this - or think of me - I ask, hoping, that you will pray for me.
Psalm 68:5-6a ... A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families.
Psalm 68:19 ... Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here