Written July 2, 2015 - 70 days a widow

I have not written here in a "few" days. It's hard to write sometimes. Other times, the words won't stop. But since June 5th I have been out at my son's house, and there is little to no Internet there. So, I spend a few minutes now to catch up ...
...Mandy and the kids spent the first week of their summer break at Joshua and Dessie's. We laughed. We cried. We talked about Rick and the life we had lived for all these years. We talked and wondered about our life to come without Rick, without daddy, without p-paw. We ate good. We cleaned out the RV and cleaned it up - got it ready to sell. We went thru pictures, and clothes, and books, and just stuff. Stuff that Rick and I had gathered in thru our life together. Some even I wondered why we had kept and carried with us.
...Mandy and the kids left on Saturday, the 13th, going back to Sulphur Springs. I stayed with Joshua and Dessie. The next few days were spent trying to get me settled in, and get the things that they wanted from the RV put away.
...Dessie and I went to Mineral Wells the next week and I paid on my computer. We looked around some in Mineral Wells, and found our way back to Graham. It was a good day with my daughter in love. When we got back to Graham, we stopped at the Aaron's, and we asked about a lift chair for me. They have one, it will be about $80 a month. I told her that I had to wait to see if SSI or the early widow benefits were going to be awarded before I could do anything. Just as we were turning to leave, Dessie asked if they had a returned recliner that was a lower price. The lady said that she did have one - and took us in the back hall to show it to us. An oversized recliner - not a lift chair. But it is an electric recliner! I didn't even know they made such a thing! The reason I was going for a lift chair is because my legs do not have the strength to put the recliner feet down once I get it up. But with this one - just a push of a button and the foot would go up - or down!!! I asked how much it was - she said, "$79.99". A month? i asked. No - a one time, walk out the door, price. SOLD!!! Dessie and I came back to the house, got in her pickup and went back to Aaron's. The recliner was loaded and brought home. Joshua helped unload it ... and it was plugged in. First awesome night of sleep I have had in months!!!
...I have been sleeping in the recliner now for about 3 weeks - and it is absolutely AMAZING the difference in my legs! The swelling has gone down - not only in my feet and ankles, but in my legs as well. They still ache at bedtime some nights - but even then, not like they were doing. They still cramp sometimes, but the cramps don't seem to last as long. They don't tire as quickly as they were either. I am still taking my medications as well - but I am excited about going back to the doctor and having him see the difference!!!
...I got to thinking about my legs and all - and realized that I had had very few hours with my feet up off the floor since this year started. With Rick having been so sick, in and out of the hospitals, a major surgery, a bout with his heart, all that I needed to do at the house alone ... no wonder my legs and feet have given me such pain and misery!
And I have found out in these 3 weeks that the best days and nights are those that I spend time in and out of the recliner. If I can stay in the recliner with my feet up at night for 6+ hours, and spend a couple of hours during the day with my feet up - so much better!
...I have started on the pillows. Taking Rick's shirts and making pillows. The first one I made for Shell on his birthday. I learned some things on that one! Then, I have made Kyla one, Dessie one, and one for me. I took the shirt that Rick wore most often to preach in and made mine. It has been such a comfort to me at night, and just to walk by it and see it thru the day. I still have others to make - one for Joshua, one for Mandy, one for Elijah and one for Brooklyn. And I will make one for Mary Lou and one for Tina. I thought it would be hard to use his shirts that way - cause there is that part of me that says when he gets back, he will need and want his shirts. I thought it would be hard to see his shirts used for pillows - a vivid reminder that he is never coming home again to me. But it is easy to use the shirts for making the pillows - feels like I am actually doing something constructive and productive, even with the tears. And to see his shirts as pillows is a great comfort to me - feels like he is with me more and more. Not to mention the way it feels to cuddle up to one!
...We went to a bronc riding for Shell on this past Sunday. It was his first time to ride the junior bronc, and it was a qualifying trial for the Vegas show in December. He made a good ride - but he was bucked off before the buzzer. It was a good day with the kids and grandkids, hot and sweaty, but good.
...When Rick died, I went to the florist and bought an ivy - had it delivered to the funeral home, and it was at the memorial service. It was a beautiful ivy. I chose an ivy instead of flowers because Rick loved house plants, ivy in particular. I have been misting it almost daily, watering it weekly, and it is HUGE!!! To me it is a reminder that Rick still lives - if only in our memories and in my heart.

God is teaching me more and more about Him. I am using the devotional that I bought a week after Rick died - "Jesus Calling". I used the same devotional the first year after I was diagnosed with cancer, and God taught me so much about Him, and about life, about living. He teaches me more and more.
The other morning I was especially tired and weary. Just did not want to be Rick's widow any longer. I opened the devotional and I read the first paragraph for the day -- "Come to Me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life." Oh my! God is so "spot-on"!!! I needed that more than I could even explain. Wow. Just Wow.

I think the numbness is gradually wearing off. The shock is subsiding some. I have come to appreciate my mind and my body - as well as God's infinite wisdom and grace. He allowed me to be numb and in shock - until I could begin to deal with Rick's death. It was so easy to think of Rick as just being at work, or off on the truck. That he would indeed call home, or get home once again. And then, came the day last week that the full realization that never again will I see him on this earth met me in the dark of the morning. The tears came, but with the tears came a peace that passes all understanding. I will see him again, when I have run my race and Jesus calls me home. Rick will be standing there, and after the "Welcome Home Child" from God our Father, the hugs from my Sweet Jesus, I will turn - and there will be my Sweetheart, healthy and whole. He will take me in his arms, he will hug me, he will kiss me on the forehead, and he will say "I love you. You did good girl." I will have the rest of eternity with my Sweetheart - but it will be different than here. So the "never again" remains. And I cry. I mourn. I grieve. For the "never again's".
I love my Sweetheart. I miss him like crazy. There is not one thing that I do not miss - even the arguments and the bad days. I miss Rick! Because I loved him, and I love him still. And because he loved me. I am such a blessed woman! To have been loved so completely and so absolutely - even on my bad days, even during the worst arguments. I was loved. I miss being loved.
Life goes on ... no matter what. Life goes on.
God is good ... all the time. And all the time ... God is good.

Psalm 27 ...
The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.. For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord. Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, will I seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Saviour. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me Your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.