Thank You God for Your Amazing Grace.
God, You know what my needs are, and what my wants are
You know what is best for me.
And You are able, more than capable, of doing exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever think about, imagine, or ask for.
And God, in the same way -
You know this body,
What my aches and pains are
What has made me overweight and out of shape,
As well as what keeps me there
God, You know what will help me be better than I am
God, I am willing to trust You.
Asking only that You will show me what to do, and teach me how to do it.
In Jesus’ Name
Thank You God
I love You
Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!!
Jehovah Jireh (Yahweh-Yireh) - The Lord will Provide
Jehovah Makkeh - The Lord Who disciplines You
Jehovah (Yahweh) Rapha - the Lord Who heals You
God, I have read and searched and researched on diets and exercise programs
Everyone wants $$$
But what happens when someone needs a healthier life, and they greatly desire a better body
- but they don’t have the $$$ for plans and programs and such?
- like me.
Maybe that’s where I come in ?
I have the time and ability to research things out
With Your help to come up with something that will actually work
Take a little from here and there, add a LOT of prayer -
And then, if it works for me?
Give it away.
I ask for wisdom.
God, here I am
Just as I am
Crying out to You
In Jesus’ Name
Thank You God
I love You
Blessed be Your Name!!!
The Lord, my Plan-Maker, my Way-Maker
The Lord, my Keeper
The One Who holds me ((( 💗 )))
Today, I am:
59 years old.
Out of shape.
A body of pain, where every move I make hurts.
And every breath I take seems to be done with some degree of discomfort.
106 days until I turn 60 years old.
I have tried diets and programs
Spent money, wasted time
I have yo-yo’ed with the weight my whole life.
I have cried a river of tears thru the years.
And here I am.
At a crossroads
I can either just give up, stop all the craziness and accept the body I have gotten
I can take a deep breath and decide that this is NOT the way I want to spend the remaining years of my life.
I choose the latter.
I started this blog with the prayer I found myself praying this morning
From a soul of despair and weariness.
This will continue to be my prayer as I work and walk my way thru this
There may come a time when I must accept that I cannot lose the weight, I will not get in shape
But that is not today.
So today, I choose the OR.
My Bible reading took me to Exodus 23:30 this morning
“Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and possess the land.”
My OR is going to stand on this Promise from God.
And even if I don’t lose the weight,
I will no longer be dominated by food, or the struggle
Nor will I be controlled by what anyone says I should look like - society, movies, books, magazines, celebrities, coaches, trainers
This is MY life
Whatever happens, it has to be something that I can actually afford and live with
And what Honors God.
If you have never watched “Facing the Giants”, please as soon as you can - do so!
I have already started making little by little changes in my life, before starting these writings and sharing.
: I went from drinking carbonated drinks as my drink of choice - multiple times per day ... to rarely having a carbonated drink these days.
About the only time I have a carbonated drink now is if my tummy is sick and nothing, absolutely nothing, else works to calm it. Then, I will relent and drink a Sprite - well, sip on it.
When I had Covid-19 in October 2020, I drank 6 Sprites. No, let me correct myself - I poured up 6 Sprites in a month’s time. But then, I poured out most of each one. I sipped on each one as needed, until my tummy calmed and quieted, then down the drain the rest of them went.
It was not a “cold-turkey” decision.
It was “little by little” .
Where I was drinking a soda every time I was thirsty, I made the decision to only drink one with meals. Then I chose to only drink one a day. Then only 1 every other day. Then 1 a week. Then allowed myself 1 only on special occasions. Finally finding myself without a desire to drink one, so it was easier to say “no thank you” when offered.
It took about 6 months to get me thru the little by little on it.
But I found the less I drank the sodas, the better I felt, and the less swelling in my hands and legs.
: I also went from eating salt on literally everything, to rarely using salt at all. And when I do use salt these days? It is the pink Himalayan salt. Takes less, and tastes better, to me.
: After doing the little by little on sodas, I realized I was drinking sweet tea and sweet lemonade instead of the sodas.
I thought about it, and decided that if I could do the little by little on the sodas, then why not do the same on the sweet drinks?
And I have.
I still allow myself one glass of sweet tea once a week - and I enjoy it!
On occasion I will drink the lemonade, but then I don’t have my glass of sweet tea.
If I am sick, like I was in October 2020 with Covid, I will drink fruit juice - as a way to flush my system.
: I have also stopped cooking cakes, pies, and cookies. Too easy for me to eat “just one” that always turns into MORE than “just one”. So now, if I am craving something sweet, and fruit doesn’t satisfy - I will buy ONE cookie, or ONE slice of pie, or ONE slice of cake. It’s more expensive that way, yes. But that also helps me decide if it is really worth the $ just for the taste. More than not? It’s NOT!
: The only bread I will eat now is an occasional roll - like if I am at someone’s house and it is part of the meal. Or my cornbread - which I only cook maybe once a month these days.
: If I have dressing for a salad, I use it on the side -dipping my salad into it, rather than pouring it on.
All of that sounds good, and it IS good.
Positive steps in the right direction.
However, I have my pit falls, the slippery slopes, the sink holes. You know, those places and times where I don’t just stumble. Oh no! I fall flat on my face in the muck and mire of overeating!
: Peanut butter. I have been absolutely craving peanut butter in the last 3 months. I struggle with only eating 1 T of it. Sometimes I win ... and sadly, sometimes - well, I don’t.
: Cheese. I love cheese. And while I work hard at decreasing the amount of cheese that I use in recipes, and I don’t eat sandwiches anymore to pile the cheese slices on ... I struggle with staying away from the block cheese. Oh I love cheese! And 2 oz of block cheese? That’s not even a TASTE!
: Coffee. Well, coffee creamer. I love the Italian Sweet Cream! LOVE it!!! I have decreased the amount that I use, but still cannot get to the point of saying “no” to it all together. And since I drink several cups of coffee a day? Yeah, it hurts the total calories/carbs thing.
: Since I live alone (am a widow) I like to watch the old sitcoms while I eat. Beverly Hillbillies, Dick Van Dyke, Green Acres. I don’t think anything is wrong with that in itself. Eating in silence and alone after 35 years of marriage is very depressing. However, it’s hard not to watch more than one episode, especially since I have ROKU! Which is fine ... except ... It often leads to eating more than I should at a meal - and I don’t realize how much I have eaten until that 2nd episode is over and I start to put away the food. Then, sorrow, shame, disgust, and regret. Sigh.
: I have NO willpower when it comes to cookies, cakes, pies, chips (oh my!), or any kind of snacky stuff in the house.
So, I try very hard not to buy them.
But then ever so often, I do buy something.
So, I separate a package of cookies or chips or whatever, into Ziploc bags - one serving per bag, hoping that this time I will have the strength to only open ONE Ziploc bag!
I’m getting better ... most days. ;)
The crazy thing is - if there is a bag of chips in the apartment, as long as they are NOT open? I’m good. Those chips could be here till the 2nd Tuesday of next week and I would be good. But let those bad boys get opened! It’s Katy-bar-the-door then! Sigh.
: I also seem to crave MEAT in the last 3 months especially. I cannot get enough!!!
I made a Mexican meatloaf the other day, thinking it would help. And it did! But it was such as struggle not to just stand there and eat “one more bite”. So, I let it cool, then I cut it in squares, putting each one into a Ziploc bag ... then froze the whole lot of them! Now, if I want a piece of meatloaf, I have to defrost it and heat it up! LOL
I don’t know about you, I only know me and my struggles.
But I don’t have the money for a specialized diet or food program - such as a total KETO, or the Nutri-system, or any of the other gazillion plans and programs that are out there.
I also don’t have the money for the weight loss surgery - not that I haven’t considered it, contemplating one of the old western style bank robberies down in Old Mexico, LOL
I don’t have the money for diet pills, or the whole shake industry, either
I live on a widow’s benefit from Social Security.
I have the apartment rent, a truck payment, and my other bills.
There are times I wonder if I will have any money for groceries at all!
Oh, and eating healthy?
So, how do I do this?
How do I lose 100 pounds without a plan, a program, a pill, or surgery?
I have lost weight in the past.
When I was 17 I lost 100 pounds in 3 months. Last day of my Junior year of high school I weighed in at 275. The first day of my Senior year? I weighed in at 175! And that whole year, I kept it off.
- I ate one cup of soup a day. And I exercised about 6 hours a day. Nearly killed my crazy self over it, too! Long story there. Not again, not like that!
In 2015-2016, I lost 150 pounds over about a year. Rick died April 23, 2015, so I began the widow diet. I would NOT recommend that to anyone! Just saying.
- I wasn’t hungry. Had to force myself to eat even one meal a day. But I walked. I walked and I walked and I walked. Tears streaming down my face. My heart feeling like it was going to explode out of my body - from the grief, not from the exertion. I saw my doctor and talked to him about it all. He told me to just breathe. That grief takes a long time, if ever, to work its way thru a broken heart, a shattered life. He was right.
And other than these 2 extreme losses? I have lost a few pounds to as much as 50, then gained it back. Only to lose it again. And gain it back.
Allowing the jeers and laughter of others to shame me.
Hearing the words of others that were sometimes meant to help, to encourage, but they never did. Those words only made me feel ashamed, discouraged, and hurt.
Didn’t anyone know how hard this was for me?
Didn’t anyone care that I struggled with this day and night?
My self esteem and confidence has never been on the high side - because I listened to too many. I bought into the image that we are fed by movies, TV shows, magazine articles, books, our skinny family and friends, doctors, all the commercials, and on and on and on.
- speaking of commercials. Have you noticed that there will be a commercial about food, a particular restaurant advertising their latest creation ... then a commercial about a weight loss product ... followed by a commercial talking about the dangers of a weight loss pill or product? UGH!!!
I know I can do this!
I believe I can.
It’s just a matter of taking it little by little.
Which is hard to do
I want to see instant results
No sweet tea? I should weigh at least a pound less!
15 minutes of exercise? I should weigh a couple of pounds less!
Drink 3 bottles of water in a day? Bam! That should count for 3 pounds less!
And yet, I see the scales bouncing from 285 to 305 ... up, down. Up, down. Up, down.
Enough of this craziness!
God has given me a computer, with Internet access.
He’s given me the ability to research, and to read.
He’s also given me the TIME.
Time is not something everyone has to do this.
Time hasn’t always been something that I have had to do this.
But I have it now.
A 500 sq ft apartment doesn’t take much time to clean or maintain.
Living alone, with no outside job, gives me a lot of hours without direction or purpose.
So, for me ... and for you - here I am
Giving myself to this.
Little by little, choosing the OR.
just about the time of my last post, coronavirus (or Covid-19) hit America in full force
now while i believe it is a real illness, a dreaded illness
i also believe that the media certainly played (preyed) upon the fears and worries and fed the frenzy that ensued
a toilet paper shortage
doctor visits became drive-thru moments instead of office calls
business transactions depended on the Internet more and more
restaurants closed dining rooms, even drive-thru's were closed at times
bars were closed
no gatherings of over 100 people,
then no more than 10 were allowed to be together
gyms were closed
we were quarantined, put into isolation
masks became mandatory
washing hands in soap and water until they were raw and sore
for weeks ... no, for months
finally, America started opening back up
but with great restrictions in place
here it is October 19, 2020 - 8 months later
and we are still being held hostage in America in so many ways
it wasn't until July that i was able to get in to see the doctor for a complete check up
thankfully, the only thing "wrong" was my cholesterol was slightly elevated, as were my triglycerides
not enough for her to warrant medication
but enough to change my diet even farther
i also had an MRI done on my left knee
severe osteoarthritis, no cartilage remains, baker's cyst appears to have exploded, and there is a "rare fluid in the ACL"
surgery is being discussed, but neither the ortho nor i am anxious to have this done
a knee replacement is good for about 10 years, and in a lifetime, a person can only have 3
that would leave me at 89 with no other options
so for now, therapy, exercise, and continue to lose the weight
looking for a brace that will be the size i need - think i have finally found one
had a hearing exam
ears have not decreased in hearing
he said he was amazed that i can hear as well as i can because usually with such sensitive ears, by 59 years old the hearing has taken a decidedly turn for the worse - but my hearing is just as sensitive and sharp as it has always been ... with the one exception being when there is a lot of background noise, i cannot hear as well to distinguish sounds
i continue to work on losing the weight
and it is coming off, slowly
i have about 85 more pounds to lose to reach my first ultimate goal
hoping that i can do that by January 1, 2021
eating less, and less often
doing my best to eat better, make healthier choices
drinking more and more water
less sweet tea - perhaps one glass a week, at the most these days
using more of the Splenda, but trying to choose water over that
i need to get more walking in -
hoping now that the weather is cooling off,
and the Census work is finished,
will encourage me to get out and WALK!!!
i still need to get into the gym and see how much they can help me build the quad muscles above my knee, and the muscles on either side of the knee - seems every time i make a plan to go to the gym, something happens
the last something was me getting sick with the coronavirus 2 weeks ago
i was horribly sick for about 7 days
then the next 7 days was absolutely exhausted
just now i am feeling better, as in much better!
i thought about going for a walk today, but haven't yet -
i did cook a pot of hamburger stew & fixing to fix a pan of cornbread!
i get tired so easily
everything i have heard and read says that is completely normal for having been so very sick
i hope to build myself back up because i am missing my walks!!!
so for now, that's where i am
stumbling and bumbling thru this thing called "life alone"
I used to have at least one major migraine each month, with another 2 or 3 thrown in for good measure.
Since my cancer surgery, I haven't had near as many headaches, let alone the migraines.
Until February 2020.
The last week of February and the first week of March - O.M.W.
This migraine has been making up for lost time!
It started around the 27th of February, a growing pain in the temples and above my eyes. One that slowly spread over the top of my head and encircled my head like a vice grip.
By Friday the 28th, it was a full blown migraine. For over 24 hrs it was registering about a 15 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst! Difficult to even open my eyes. Smells, even normally good ones, set my stomach to rolling. Finally, Sunday, March 1, brought with it a bit quieter pain level. After 2 nights of being more up and awake due to the pain, I took a nap - oh how good that felt!
Today is March 4, and still the headache lingers. Yesterday it was registering between 5-8, more at the 8 than not. Thankfully today it has been between 3-5.
I took this picture on my Momma's birthday & Texas Independence Day - March 2. This was after 60 hours of the migraine ... Not the best pic ever, but not the worst one either. I had felt a little better for about 3 hrs, so I walked a little on the treadmill - that was nice. It was a wonderful weather day!
For me, this has been a long and difficult winter.
I came home to Texas the weekend before Thanksgiving 2019. Just about 3 1/2 months ago.
So much has changed about ME since that long drive from Paris KY to Sulphur Springs TX.
A river of tears has been cried, and dried.
A million thoughts.
A thousand or more prayers.
Time with the kids and grandkids, for the most part good times.
Deep breathing discussions.
And I wait for that Texas spring time, when the cold wind does not blow, & when the sun shines bright.
The trees will bud forth new growth.
The flowers will bloom in all their glory.
The grass will turn green and begin to wave in the late afternoon breezes.
There is a smell on these spring days here in Texas that is like no where else that I have been.
I haven't been everywhere, yet, lol - but I've been plenty.
No other smell like a Texas spring time day.
I have been walking when I can, mostly.
I have missed some opportunities, but trying not to miss too many.
February was not a kind month to me physically.
The wind blew cold more than not.
An earache kept me out of the wind, and when I did venture out in the wind, I was quickly reminded as to why I should not!
Tummy troubles, and much arthritis pain.
I am firmly believing that losing the 100 pounds WILL indeed help with the arthritis pain, and I realize that beginning the moving around is NOT going to feel the best.
I also know that I must take it slow and easy to begin with - especially with the knee injury I am still healing from.
Even if I do get frustrated and discouraged.
Little by little ... that's the only way!
I was complaining a little to my daughter about how slow I am.
Her response was perfectly spot on!
"Momma, every step you take, every move you make - it's better than sitting on your butt!"
And she said, "Momma the ONLY competition should be with yourself, doing better today than you did yesterday."
Thank you sweet baby girl for understanding where I am, without my words.
In this waiting time, I am struggling to make sure it is not wasted time.
Yes, I am resting more than I have in ages.
Even taking naps - sometimes twice a day!
Not being lazy, but recovering.
I realize that I have been thru a LOT these last few years.
And it has taken much out of me.
It's time to put some back.
I'm also trimming my eating down, way down.
Learning to listen well to my body.
Not to eat just because someone else is, nor because the clock says it is meal time.
Working on exchanges and substitutions, too.
I will be sharing more and more of that in the coming days.
This time is about ME.
Different comfort zone than I've ever been in.
God is good though, He has His hand on the small of my back, gently leading me - softly encouraging me.
I will be so stinking thankful to have spring arrive here in Texas!!!
The treadmill sits on the back porch, as does the gazelle.
With the rains, the cold temps, and the wind?
Sadly, I have not used either one very much in the last 6 weeks.
Any day that the weather has broken and the temp is above my age, with little to no wind? I have been out there!
I tried it a couple of times when the temp was lower, or when the wind was just "lightly" blowing ... both times it set my ear screaming!
I have always had trouble with my ears, and it seems the older I get the easier it is to get an ear infection, and the harder it is to get over it. Sigh.
I have been trying to eat less, and eat better when I do eat.
Less sweet stuff ... more veggies ... a LOT less breads.
Limiting myself to one glass of tea a day, if that. I think I have had a couple of days where I drank 2.
Drinking my Cran-grape juice in the morning, my coffee, and sometimes a glass of Tang or 2 thru the day - simply trying to up my Vitamin C intake.
I've walked in place here in the bedroom a couple of times, not as easy as it sounds, but better than nothing.
And using my blue band for stretching and trying to build up the muscles in & around my knee.
I am going to press myself to do better at this in the coming few days.
I don't think I have lost any weight at all, but according to the scales I have, I haven't gained any either. I suppose holding steady is better than gaining. But still a little discouraging and disheartening.
I can't go to the gym, even though gym membership is covered, because my Captain Jack has been sitting for 2 weeks now due to a problem with it. Sigh.
I am SO thankful that in 2 weeks the time changes.
In just about a month is the first day of Spring.
And I believe in 7 weeks is Easter.
Warmer weather is close enough to feel it in my bones!!!
Things will be changing!!!
A week ago I started using the treadmill. The first day I walked 1/2 mile at 0% incline & 2 mph. My knee (with the torn/sprained ACL & MCL) felt like it was nothing but jelly. The next day I made it a mile - 1/2 of it at 2 mph and 1/2 at 2.5 mph. It took me about 30 minutes to walk that mile.
Then I spent 3 days cooking for New Year's Eve and didn't walk on the treadmill.
Today, I walked a mile again. 1/2 mile at 2.5 mph & 1/2 mile at 2.8 mph, all at .5% incline - and did it in 23.32 minutes!!!
Woo-hoo for me!
Not where I was. Not where I want to be.
But better than I have been these last 3 months.
And it is encouraging to shave time off that mile.
I'm forcing myself to drink water. I have a low tolerance for it. But I know I need it.
It's hard not to think about food at certain times of the day - breakfast, lunch and supper especially. But I am trying to break that thought pattern. I know I need to eat, but I want to make the wiser choices, and eat better - as well as eating less.
I'm going to make an appointment with my new doctor. I need a complete check up. Praying for excellent reports, and a complete "ok" to exercise and lose weight.
I think it will be both a discouragement & a help for me to be weighed at the doctor's office. Document it. I think about what it will feel like to go back in a month and be re-weighed, see less numbers - - I HOPE!
I will work at it seriously for 3 months. If I don't see some pretty good numbers, then I will ask about help. But I really want to do this by myself - FOR MYSELF.
When Rick died, I started (without choosing to) the widow's diet. Within the first 18 months - 2 years, I had lost about 150 pounds. Over the last 2 years I have gained about 50 of that back.
It is time for those 50 to come off ... and more!
My goal is to weigh no more than 220. I think at that I will not only look much better than I do now, but I will feel better as well. And everything I have read or heard says that it is better to have a few pounds over in case of being sick or hurt.
I weighed 175 in 1980 when Rick and I got married. I would not mind being at that weight ... but trying to keep it real for now. So, if I could get the scales to show 220 - I would be ecstatic! Yes, I would probably keep pushing myself to reach that second goal of 175, but that would be "easy". Lol.
Not sure of what I weigh at this moment. The last time I weighed was a couple of months ago (perhaps longer), and not sure the scales were correctly calibrated either (they had been moved multiple times, and the batteries removed). But right or wrong, they said 316. UGH if correct. Makes my heart very sad to write that number. I write it with an attitude of accountability.
Since that time I have been on a change.
Changing the ways I eat, what I drink, and my exercise level. Little by Little.
Having recently (since Thanksgiving 2019) moved back to Texas, my whole life is different now. And it is more my own.
How am I going to do this?
1. Allowing myself to drink a glass of sweet tea ONLY with meals, and ONLY 1 glass per meal.
2. Drinking water between meals.
3. Using 1 teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of water once a day. Helps keep the pH balance of my body correct, and maintains the acid level in my blood.
4. Less and less fried foods - until it is a rare occasion that I eat anything fried. I have learned the hard way that to deprive myself of something only means that I crave it. So I will use the decreasing method.
5. Less and less sweet foods. I love sweets - especially pies. I enjoy a good cookie, or a tasty piece of cake. But my oh my! How I love pie! So I will limit myself on sweets, growing stricter as time goes by.
6. Less carbs. I have German & Irish heritage, and I'm a good Southern girl. So this will be the greatest challenge. To cut back on breads, tortillas, chips, and all such products.
7. Allowing myself one coke - which in Texas means Dr Pepper, lol - no more than every 3rd day.
8. More and more lean protein.
9. Eating veggies and fruits closer to the way they are grown, than cooked or having items added to them.
10. Exercise!!! Walk ... walk ... WALK! At some point I will add the bands, then perhaps a few lighter weights. But to begin with? WALKING!!!
And finally? I am going to blog about this here. I will refer to this section often in my regular blog. But I wanted this "Little by Little" to be separate and easier for me (and perhaps others) to refer to.
I will brutally honest with myself here. Completely out of my comfort zone. But here I am - the realness of the struggle.
Little by Little.
Then after Rick died ... and the widow diet began ...
I know I can do this.
I know I got this.
Now to just push myself - for ME.
Momma, you're not fat. You're fluffy!
These were the words of my precious little girl one day many years ago. The innocence of a child. The words both stung my eyes, and warmed my heart.