I have hesitated writing these words, cause I didn't want to sound like I was whining or complaining. I'm really not.
But in the beginning of this blog, my commitment was to be honest - good or bad. And if you go back thru the blog posts, there are good and bad days.
So -- <<3:41 a.m.>>
Another rough nite ... Another early morning ... Wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to sleep - really sleep - again???
I don't remember a time, even when my babies were little, my kids were kids, that I was so tired and weary ... on the line of discouragement/depression ... sigh.
I seem to be on a wild pendulum ride - one side is the vast pit of discouragement and depression, the other side is the beautiful life of passion and LIFE. Sigh. And I? I am on the pendulum swinging wildly from one side to the other. Seemingly always over the openness below me - that openness of ???
I'm tired of hanging on - especially when I am so weary ...
I just want to let go. But when? And where will I land? What if I let go too soon? Or too late?
How long will this ride go on like this?
If I continue to hold on - will it ever calm down?
Will there ever be a "normal" again?
I don't remember ever knowing a loneliness so deep, so long ... not like now. Not like this.
There have been times when I was sick - and everyone around me continued on with their lives.
That is loneliness.
When it feels like you are the only one on the face of earth that is sick. The world spins without you.
There have been those times that Rick was sick - and I couldn't stop the world so that I could just be with him.
That is loneliness.
And there were the times when Rick and the kids were all gone for the day - work and school - and I was left alone.
That is loneliness - but more than not, it was a good loneliness ... quiet time for me.
After the kids left home to live their own lives, and Rick would go to work ... and that work kept him 12 - 18 hours a day -
well, that was a loneliness I had never known.
When we were on the road in the cab of that milk truck, the CB on, the radio blaring, and Rick concentrating on driving -
that was a loneliness, too.
This is a loneliness like none other.
For now - I am recovering from major cancer surgery. Not allowed to cook or clean, not allowed to drive. Not allowed to do much of anything. Oh, I can do more today than I could a month ago - but still, compared to what I could do 3 months ago, or 6 months ago ... this is still nothing. Sigh.
So there is a great loneliness in this for me.
I know that there are other women who have, and who are, recovering from surgery ... from cancer surgery even. But, I don't know any. I don't see any. I don't talk to any. So, I still feel very alone in this.
Alone with my thoughts and emotions of having cancer. Even tho I am at a 95percent chance of cure. Still the thoughts come ... and the emotions rage. And I have no outlet for any of them!
For another - Rick is recovering from shoulder surgery. And his mode of recovery is to sleep. Getting up for short times (30 minutes to a couple of hours) and then going back to sleep. I understand that this is his way of dealing with it all - it always has been whenever he was hurt or sick.
However, always before the sickness was gone in about 3 days or so ... and the hurt was under control in 3 days or so - on average. But this? This is now 3 weeks and 1 day old. Sigh.
So, in all these hours he sleeps, what do I do?
Spend my time alone. Lonely. Aching for conversation. Yearning for a touch - even just a handshake! Sigh.
Alone with the worries and fears. Wondering if he is ok. If he isn't - do I call the doctor? Which one? His shoulder isn't the only concern. Not with kidney disease and renal failure since January. Low blood count in January - and not "high" since. Low iron in January.
And again - no one to talk to. Knowing that I am not the only wife with an injured husband. Just feeling like the only one this early morning.
Having been on the road for the last couple of years, we have lost touch with so many. Not feeling very "rooted" today.
No church to really call "home" - we have only been to church a handful of times in the last couple of years. Between being on the road - which means not here when there are services - and our health issues ... just haven't been able to be there, or anywhere. I miss the fellowship, the support, the re-fueling, that church is.
In touch with family and friends - thru phone calls and facebook. Thru cards and letters. Thru texts. But not face to face much. You lose so much when you aren't with family and friends for those daily walks and talks. When you can't be there for the birthday parties, the family reunions, class reunions, births, funerals, all the family and friend togetherness. Can't be there for the tailgate parties, the game nites, the shopping trips, the times of going out to eat. You miss all those times when on the road.
And then, when you come off the road - how do you work your way back into all those times? Especially in the midst of health crisis?
I haven't worked outside the home much at all these 32 years of marriage. Having decided with Rick that he would be the one to work, and I would be the one to tend to the home fires. It has served us well all these years. But now ... I feel dangling over that openness of ??? Not sure of anything right now.
Things that normally would have little to no place in my thoughts now come like rolling storms ...
...no TV service. Just movies. Movies that we own, and that we have seen so many times I feel like screaming at just the mention of some of them. Movies that we rent, and occasionally come across a really good one.
I miss TV. Just being able to turn the TV on and something be there. Taking the remote in hand and surfing. Not really watching anything - just a mindless surfing.
And I miss the conversations with others about TV. Sigh.
...no one calls. Our kids call. And I so appreciate that. I don't know what I would do without their calls and texts.
But to hear from someone else ... family ... friends. Occasionally someone will call. And it is so good to be thought about. I have gotten to the point tho that I don't really want to talk about us - I want to hear about someone else's life. I live this one, I want to hear that someone else has a life!
We call ... some ... less than ever before. Just discouraged.
I told Rick that in some ways I feel like I am drowning in this sea of forgetfulness, this ocean of loneliness - and I just don't have the strength or energy to swim to shore, ask for help, and then swim back out waiting for someone to rescue me.
I wonder how can it be so hard for someone to see that I am drowning here? Sigh.
...no one visits. Our kids come when they can. I would go crazy completely without my kids and grandkids. But they have their lives - school, work, friends, other families. I understand that.
Rick's parents come occasionally. Not as much as what we expected them to. Not as much as they said they would. We realize they have their lives too - church, friends, family.
...I have always been the one to clean house. And now? I can't. Rick does what he can, but with only one hand, and not supposed to move that shoulder ... So ---
...laundry needs washed.
....dishes need washed.
....trash needs to be emptied.
....floors need swept and vacuumed.
....our bed hasn't even been made. I stripped the sheets the other day, they got washed. But it sits there unmade. Even our bed looks lonely!
....the dust is thick enough to write in. Cobwebs are hanging.
....we try to keep things in an order - but since I cannot bend over, and I cannot lift ... sigh.
Oh, there have been those that offered to help - "If you need anything, just call me". But do you know how hard it is to do that? It is frustrating and humiliating enough to need the help - more so if I have to ask. Sigh.
Rick's dad has done more than any - and we do appreciate it. Everything that both of them have done for us. But it's hard to even ask them.
...and I have always been the one to cook. Never realized how very boring sandwiches and frozen foods are, or can be after 2 months!!! Sigh. (I was on near bed rest for about 6 weeks before surgery, and now since surgery, little to nothing can I do.)
We don't eat out much at all - maybe a hamburger on a day that we go to the doctor. We did get chicken tenders on Monday after the doctor. Sigh.
I am so hungry for a home-cooked meal! Meat and veggies. Bread. Dessert. Tea! Oh goodness. How good that sounds. But how difficult for us to do. Rick does what he can, and I do, too. But with him having only one hand, and I am not allowed to stand and cook, nor to use a knife (having taken blood thinner shots for 28 days) ... makes cooking a meal near impossible. And if we do manage to cook a meal, we are so exhausted and frustrated by the time we get it together, we aren't that hungry.
....even just wanting a shower makes me feel lonely! We have a claw foot bathtub, and it is several inches off the ground. The rim of it catches me just above the knee. Very difficult to get in just with my bad back, let alone with my stomach having a 12 inch incision! And when I do get in - with help and aid - I cannot bathe myself. I can wash my hair now, and I can wash my arms, my front. Not allowed to bend, so I cannot shave my legs, cannot wash my legs, cannot wash my feet. Sigh. I put off taking a shower as long as I can. Especially since it is Rick having to help me - and him just 3 weeks out of surgery. Sigh. The last time I got in there, I just started crying ... and crying. Rick was concerned. Didn't understand what was wrong. He does not understand the long cry of a hot shower - and how good it actually feels. So, I just dried up the tears. Sigh.
Hours upon hours spent at the computer - either writing here in this journal, or working on the website. Surfing the net a little. On Facebook more than anywhere else, except for my website.
But finding out that this computer does not talk back to me, has no arms to hold me. No compassion nor companionship is found here as I face this screen.
So, loneliness even here.
No solace in sleep.
Heat flashes and night sweats - at times absolutely intolerable.
I have thought about taking a pain pill and just collapsing ... however, Rick needs me often during the night. And whatever he needs - he needs me awake and alert. Not out on pain meds.
My body has always been the kind that once I get woke up in the night, really woke up, I have a very difficult time getting back to sleep. Rick can get up and do whatever, lay back down and be almost instantly asleep. Which is why he took the night shifts more than not with the kids all thru their growing up years. And which is why now as I look back over the times of the last months journal entries more are before 6 a.m. Than ever before. Sigh. 45 days out of the last 2 1/2 months - before 6 a.m. (I just counted ... sigh)
I am learning to spend a lot of time in prayer and reading the Word. Trying to find solace for my loneliness in the Presence of God. But the human side of me wants a Jesus with skin on, too. Sigh.
I just feel so mixed up today ... lonely ... sigh.