Rick, I sit here with you on my mind this morning. What shall I write about today?
11 months today since you went away. After 34 years, 7 months, 17 days, and 11 hours - you went away. You left me. You took my breath, my heart. You stole away the music, and my reasons. I am slowly learning how to breathe again. My heart beats but seems out of time. The music is returning. And the reasons to go on - well, some days I still search for those. Memories this morning are bouncing around in my head. Flooding my thoughts. Smiles are thru the tears. --when you got us lost on our way to our wedding night. Going to Lake o' the Pines. We left the church around 10 p.m. - should have been a simple hour drive ... we finally found the motel you had reserved a room at - 1 a.m.! --the next morning we went to breakfast. The waitress that was snickering when she came to our table. And then, the older lady who came over and quietly told you that you had your shirt on wrong side out. Giggle. --the times we were in the kitchen together. Music playing. Dancing around. Me cooking - and you snitching every chance you got. The teasing and fussing. The stories we shared. --You singing to Elvis ... and doing the "hip thing" - making me catch my breath every time. --us writing the silly little notes to one another, hiding them everywhere. Always trying to "one up" the other one. I found all your notes to me after you left - and I put them into a journal. I sometimes take that journal and snuggle with it. Thinking about you. Missing you. --the times you would come in the house, tell me to put my shoes on, and you would take me by the hand - lead me outside, and into one of the vehicles. You would get in and start driving. Me asking you where we were going - you knew that drove me crazy! You would just smile and drive. Usually back country roads ... until you found a tree that was amazing in size and strength ... or a rose bush in full bloom - and you would steal a rose bud for me ... or you would drive until we found that out of the way general store, for a coke ... a cafe that you were certain had pie ... --the midnight runs on the motorcycle. Wake me up at midnight - get up, and get dressed. It's a full moon night - time for a bike ride. We would ride until the sun started coming up. --when we were so broke we couldn't find 2 pennies ... and you would come home from work with a Dr Pepper for me. Because someone on your route had given it to you, but you would't drink it ... bringing it home to me. I would take 2 of our prettiest glasses, and share it. --sitting on the swing late into the night talking about our future. --sitting on the tailgate of the pickup under the stars, asking questions that we had no answers for. And you know what I miss the most this morning? Remember when I would get stressed out with life, just with all of life? You stand there - open your arms - and say ... Oh baby, come here. I would walk into your arms. You folded me up in your arms, held me against your chest. And you would always say the same thing ... "it's going to be all right. we are going to make it thru this -- together." Damn! I miss being held. Just to be gathered and held. I love you Rick ... thank you for all the memories ... the smiles ... even the tears. Just to know that I was loved once in my life. Loved once - for 34 years, 7 months, 17 days, and 11 hours. I love you today ... always and forever. Your Sunny.
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Monkey Hands ...
In 1994-1995, we lived on Dickey Prairie Road, out of Molalla Oregon. We lived in a small mountain cabin that sat on a point of land where Trout Creek flowed into the Molalla River. Surrounded by a forest of trees. I think it had to be the most beautiful place we ever were blessed to live in our life together. The cabin had one bedroom downstairs, a loft up a simple ladder that the kids shared, a living room, and a kitchen. The bathroom was a small room that had a bathtub in it. We did buy a camping port a potty to put in there for night times. The outhouse sat 75 steps up into the trees, 35 if you were in a hurry. Our water came out of the Molalla River - grandfathered in from many years before. I had an electric cook stove, it sat on the side porch - I used it in the summer time. The kitchen stove was a 1929 wood cook stove. We had 3 wood boxes, because depending on what you were cooking - it required different sizes and kinds of wood. Our bedroom had the most awesome view! 3 sides of the room was windows - and it overlooked the Molalla River. Thru one window you could see Trout Creek as it dropped off into the Molalla. We decided against covering our windows - just too beautiful to cover up. It was a house filled with love and with joy and with laughter. And one time in particular is on my mind this morning -- the time of the Monkey Hands. Rick got home early from work one day, while the kids were still at school. He walked up the driveway - I asked him where the car was. He giggled and said he had parked it across the road up in the woods. Why on earth would you do that? He just giggled. He sat down at the table, took pen and paper, and began to write -- "Mandy & Joshua - Daddy and Momma have had to go to town. When you get home, just come in and start your homework. STAY OUT of our bedroom!!! There was a circus came thru today, and a gorilla escaped. He got in the house, and Momma penned him in the bedroom. We shut the door, and have gone to town to get the Sheriff. STAY OUT of our bedroom!!! Just do your homework, we will be back in a little while." Mandy was about 11, and Joshua was almost 10. Just the right age to decide that they knew better than Daddy and Momma. *giggling* Rick had a pair of gloves that he had picked up somewhere - black leather type palms, and fuzzy on the back. Actually did look like monkey hands. When we heard the bus coming down the mountain, we went into the bedroom, shut the door, and just got quiet. Rick put the gloves on, and sat down at the door - because there was about an inch of space between the door and the floor. The kids came in the house, calling for Momma. We heard them walk thru the kitchen, and then Mandy said - "Here's a note." She read it out loud ... and then there was quiet. Then a loud whisper from her - "I gotta see." Joshua said, "Sissy! Daddy said not to go in the bedroom!" "I just want to see the gorilla." Soft steps from the kitchen to the bedroom. Rick reached up and held the door knob with one hand, and stuck his other hand under the door. We heard the kids' breath catch! "Oh look! There IS a gorilla in there! See his hand!" Mandy reached down and touched the monkey hand. "I want to see him!", she said. "NO! Sissy, don't open that door!" Rick leaned on the door so that they couldn't open it. And with his other hand he began to scratch on the door, while making grunting and moaning sounds. By this time, I have my hand over my mouth making myself just be quiet. Oh my - priceless. Mandy is concerned that the gorilla may be hurt - because he is moaning and groaning. She tries to open the door, it won't budge. She talks to the gorilla telling him to move away from the door. All this time, Joshua is begging and pleading with her to leave him alone! Rick got up out of the floor, still leaning on the door. Then he took the door knob, rattled it, like he was trying to open it. Mandy still talking to this monkey. LOL Rick looked at me, quietly telling me to get ready ... We stood to the side of the door ... and he jerked the door open - As he jerked the door open, Rick lunged out with a gorilla type yell, and I screamed! Our poor kids! They probably still need therapy! Oh my!!! Joshua's eyes got big ... and he began to run backwards - but there was a wall there, he could go no farther! Except climbing the wall! Gave new meaning to those words! Mandy screamed and began to run in place. Then when she realized there was NO real gorilla, she got upset! Oh Rick -- you were something else. That was one of your shining moments!!! Oh so good!!! Thank you for the laughter that day ... you and I both were sick from laughing, and had sore tummies the next day. Thank you today for the memories, for the laughter. I love you Sweetheart. I miss you, in all of your craziness - I miss you. Oh Sweetheart.
I love you and I miss you. Every day ... every heart beat. I love you and I miss you. I have 33 days of this first year left. I feel the anxiety rising within me. My emotions are on a hellish roller coaster ride. I feel the stress on my body. And I force myself to breathe. "Just f***ing breathe" is what I keep telling me - and in the last week, I say that a lot, but probably not near as much as I will be saying it the next 33 days. Sometimes I think I am doing good in being your widow. And other times? Well, not so much. Others tell me that I am "normal" - but you know better. How can I be "normal" now, when I have never lived a "normal" day in my life? --giggle-- There are those who say I need to "move on" with my life. Well, honey, I am trying. I just never thought it would be this hard. I am so scared. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. You were my strength, my rock. You were the wise one - guiding and directing me. If you didn't have the answers - you at least had the words of hope and encouragement, that we would make it thru all this. And I knew that no matter what - you had my back, you were big enough, strong enough, and you believed in me enough, that no matter what ... you would defend me, you would stand beside me. I have some friends who have lost their heart and way, too. We talk a lot. We walk thru this grief together. We cry, and we laugh. I really like my friends ... no. I really LOVE my friends. I have come to lean on them, to look for them. I have learned so much with them. Never taking their friendship lightly - because I know at what a great price they have paid to be here with me in all of this. Our kids are doing great. I know they miss you, they think about you, they remember the things you said and the things you taught them. They are strong and good - they have their feet on the ground. You did a good job, you know that? You left them a legacy of love, of honor, of honesty and respect. You laid a foundation of faith and trust. They are living it. You should be proud of them. And proud of YOU, too. Some say that I need to just let this "One Year" day come and go - that it is no different than any other day. (Sounds like something you would say.) Others say that I need to make "plans". Plans of what? I can't celebrate that day a year ago. I can be thankful that you are no longer hurting and suffering the horrors that you endured. I can be thankful that your body is at peace. But celebrate? I can't. I am sorry. Doing my Texas stomp - this is MY grief, MY journey, MY life - I have decided to use these final days of this first year to look back at our life and our love ... and to simply say, "Thank you, Rick". And today, Thank you, Rick - for the rose you gave me on February 16, 1979 ... the most beautiful salmon colored rose - never have I seen another one that color. I remember coming home from school, seeing the vase sitting on the table, the rose a splash of color in the kitchen. When I read the card, I cried ... and I cried ... and I cried. Tears of joy. I had loved you for so long, with no response from you at all. You barely recognized me at school, or church, or even in your home when I would be there with Tina. And now, this Rose. Thank you for that rose, for the tears, for the smiles. No one understood my love for you then ... and few understand it now. But -- I loved you then ... and I love you still. Rick -- i love you. and i miss you like crazy.
it's been 33 weeks today without you. i look at your pictures and you are so alive in them. it feels like you have just gone off on the truck again. only you never come home now. you don't call me anymore. i wonder what did i do wrong? why did you leave me? oh i know, deep within me, i know that i did not do this to you. it was not my choice that you die. i don't think it was your choice either. i think it was just life. but life sucks! i'm making it. not sure how. sometimes i wonder why. but i'm making it. one moment at a time. some of those moments are tear stained - some are just buckets full of tears. i don't feel one bit guilty over the tears. after 35+ years together, tears are to be expected. some of the moments are filled with smiles and even laughter. i think those are even harder than the tears. the guilt comes in - wave on wave. threatening to overwhelm me. to take me under. everyone says not to feel guilty when i laugh, or when i smile. everyone says that you would want me to go forward with my life. everyone says that you would want me to Live. on one hand, i think they are right. and on the other hand, i want to scream - what do you know? how do you know what my husband would want? you and i had hours upon hours of conversations in the last 3 years. And even more the last year. i have no real doubt of what you would say to me now ... of what you would want for me. *it's all going to be ok, honey. *you are going to make it just fine. *i'm just sitting here waiting on a woman. *live your life. and live it well. *laugh. smile. *cry a little when you need to. *do what you want to for a change. you have raised our kids - and they are good kids, with good lives. you took care of me when i needed you. now - do something for you. Oh Rick. i don't know how. i don't know how to keep on going thru all this. this storm that just never lets up. emotions that are all over the place. thoughts that batter me from within. sleepless nights. days of nothing but memories. i don't know how to take care of me - not without you. But ... i'm trying. and i'm learning. no one handed me an instruction manual about being your widow. so, there is a lot of trying and not doing - probably more so than trying and getting it right. i didn't know that when you left, just about everyone else would leave me too. not in death have they left. but they have left just the same. perhaps it is because some of them are grieving, too. perhaps it is because they don't know what to say. afraid that they will upset me. (like i don't stay upset - but whatever) perhaps it is just their lives going on while mine came to a screeching halt. i have met some new friends. and they are quickly becoming family. they are finding their ways into my heart and life. i have lost about 60 pounds in these 33 weeks. i would so much rather be doing this with you. but at least, i guess, i'm doing it. got my hair permed again. will probably keep a spiral perm - i like the way it makes me feel. trying to keep my nails did. done a few little things just for me. spending time with the kids and grandkids. bought a little car - a convertible. oh it needs some TLC - and hopefully i can either figure out how to do that, or find someone who knows what to do. slowly it feels like the woman in me is waking up. the music plays again - more quietly right now. i think i want to write that book that you and i talked about so much. -a friend says that he thinks i can, that i should - has even promised to buy a copy of it. (you would like him. i can see in another world, a better time, that y'all would be friends.)- i don't know where to go from here. i don't know how to go on from here, i know that life goes on. and i know that i want to Live it. i love you Sweetheart. always have. and i forever will. your Meg That's what you always said about your birthday - "Just another day". But you know me ... it was never - and never will it be - "just another day"!
I love you Sweetheart. and i miss you like crazy. i know you are happy - and will have a happy day. i wish we were together. i wish i could bake you a chocolate cake and we could laugh over the frosting. a thousand memories flood my heart and soul this morning. memories of all the years together ... the birthdays shared ... the Love of our hearts - our precious baby girl, born on your birthday. I love you Rick. Wait for me ... I love you - to infinity and beyond!!! i love you. God, our Father - please find a way to make sure Rick knows just how much he is loved and honored today. Please find the way to let him know how fine he is to me - still, after all the years, thru all the tears. And please dear God - find a way to wrap Your arms, and the arms of her daddy, around our baby girl today. Love her lavishly this day. Please. I love you Rick. Always have. Forever will. You were the one that God used to be Him to me. You loved me, you cared for me. You held me. You wiped my tears away. You made me laugh. I love you. I know that our life was not perfect ... but it was perfect enough for me. Thank you Sweetheart for all the years, all the memories. Thank you for loving me. I love you back!!!!! We made a lot of miles together in 34 years, 7 months and 17 days. It's hard not to wish for me. But like you always said - "Wish in one hand, poop in the other - which fills up faster?" Life goes on ... but it sure isn't easy without you. I miss you just so much! Every thing I touch - makes me think of you. You were such a force in my life, honey. You made it easy to love you, and to submit to you. You made me want to put you before myself. But I don't know what to do now. Where do I go? What do I do? I am not even sure who I am anymore. There are moments I still feel like your wife ... and then the reality sucker punches me all over again - that I am your WIDOW. I miss you. This is one of my favorite pictures of us. I love my hand on your chest, your arm around me. Smiles on our faces. I search for you - I listen for you. I ache for you. I want so much to reach up and see into your eyes. To raise my hand and feel your beard, how soft it is. To turn my head into you and smell that smell that was all you. To know your arms around me holding me fast and solid. To feel you kiss my forehead - with that pure love you had. O Sweetheart. I miss you. I love you. I just hope you know that you were worth every moment together - good and bad. You are worth every tear now! Wait for me ... your wife, your woman. I love you!!!!!
We had taken a trip to The Alamo. He was a true Son of Texas - he had family that fought and died for Texas Independence. We found his ancestors names on the roll of those that had died in the Alamo. It was an honor and a privilege to walk those hallowed halls, to hear the sounds of that time so long ago. Rick LOVED Texas. We lived away from Texas some - but you NEVER EVER take Texas out of the man!!!
My son, Joshua ... My boy, Nick ... and my Sweetheart, Rick. This picture was taken when we had come in for a visit - off the truck. We were at Kathy's (Dessie's mom) - in Cisco, TX. So much laughter! This was before ... when life was complete and good. We were so blessed!!! And I am blessed today all over again - to see this picture. I hear the laughter between these 3. The laughter is what drew me out of the house, just to see what they were doing. LOL Telling tall tales - oh my! I LOVE these 3 men!!! Oh how I love them all!!!
I was a wife for just 4 months shy of 35 years. I have been a widow now for 15 days.
This is a way for me to remember and to share those 35 years together. I will be sharing thoughts and prayers, pictures, some of what made me love Rick - and some of what made me want to pinch his head off at times. LOL When I was but 4 years old, my daddy and momma were out driving and looking for a pea patch one early summer day. Daddy stopped at a house where a man was working in the yard. Daddy got out and as he was talking to this man, the man bent down and began to draw a map of sorts on the ground. In just a moment, a small boy (momma said he looked to be about 6 years old) came running around the corner of the house - all dressed as a cowboy. Cowboy hat, jeans, shirt, toy guns in a holster strapped to his waist. That little boy jumped up on his daddy's back and hollered - "Give me a ride, horsey!" My mother, sitting in the car with me, watched this little boy for a moment. And then she said - "That little boy would make a fine husband for my Margaret." 15 years later ... my mother was right! That little boy, Ricky Lee McCoy, made a FINE husband for me!!!!! And for the next 35 years, right until he took his last breath - he was a FINE husband to me, for me. Many times I asked him if he knew just how fine he was to me. Many times since I have reminded him just how fine he still is to me. I love you sweetheart ... I loved you before this wedding day ... I have loved you since. I will always love you! |
September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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