Good morning, Rick. 
I wonder if you know just how much I miss you. Always. But there are times I miss you more. 
When I have a bad dream, like night before last. One of those recurring dreams - where no matter how many times I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream just continued. I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't change the ending. It haunted me all day yesterday, seemed to permeate every part of me. Oh what I would give to be held in your arms after a bad dream, have you once again wipe away my tears with your kisses. Feel the beat of your heart as you wrapped me in your love and care. Just to know that I was guarded and protected. Sigh. 
When I can't sleep, like last night. Waking up every few minutes all night long. Back aching. Legs cramping. I remember how you used to rub my back, and massage my legs. Do you know how hard it is to not be touched now? I'm realizing more and more that touch deprivation is a real thing - - real, painful, heart breaking. 
Christmas is only 16 days away. Lights are up - makes me remember when we would go out at night, get a cup of hot chocolate at McDonald's, the white hot chocolate, and drive around looking at Christmas lights ... just the 2 of us. How many hours and gallons of gas did we use when the kids were little - going Christmas light lookin'? But I think we used almost as many just for us. Music plays - reminding me of hearing your voice singing or humming the carols. The Christmas baking & cooking - how you would snitch and I would fuss ... how you would grab me from behind, wrap your arms around me and take a "bite" out of my neck. Sigh. 
One would think that this 5th Christmas without you would be easier ... it's not. There is no numbness now. Just the pain of emptiness. 
One would think that being here with family and friends would make things better ... it doesn't. They are all so busy with their own lives and plans. And you know me, I can't ask them to change just for me. Seeing the couples together, even our kids, makes me miss you even more ... how is that possible? To miss you MORE? Yet it is. 
Oh Rick. I know that death is just a part of life. But the holidays are a stark and blasting reminder of just how sucky a part of life it all is. I miss you. 
Yes, I am counting the days till Christmas. Maybe I can breathe a little afterwards. 
I don't want to wish away my life ... but I do have a few thoughts running thru my heart wishing the holidays were over. Sigh. 
If only there were some way for you to wrap your arms around me now. Hold me. Just for a little while. 
​Oh Rick. ​

Rick, i sit here this morning with a thousand thoughts and memories.
Sifting thru them, wondering what to write about.
It's hard sometimes to find the words - when i love you so much, when i miss you like crazy.

But what comes to the front of my mind and heart this morning is the independence you put in me.

When we got married, 35+ years ago, you asked me if i wanted a career - outside the home.
You told me before i answered that you would support me and do all you could to help me - whatever i wanted to do.
I didn't even have to think about it.
I remember looking at  you - and telling you that i wanted to be your wife, the mother of your children one day, and the keeper of your home.
I still see the pride and joy in your eyes.
I see the glistening of passion and honor there.
And i hear your voice - "Well, then. I will make the living, you make the living worthwhile."
That is what we did ... for 34 years, 7 months, 17 days and 11 hours.

You also said, how many times did you say this to others? - "I have a very obedient wife."
Other guys would look at you and call "Bullshit" --
and your answer was always the same ...
"No seriously - she is very obedient. Always does exactly what i tell her. Because i told her to do whatever she wants to do - and i am big enough to back her up in it. And that is what she does - whatever she wants to!"

I miss that about you.
But i am so thankful for all those years of having that from you.

Course, that makes me a little more hard to deal with now.
LOL ...
There are those that wish i would listen to what they think and say more. That wish i was not so independently minded.
LOL ...

All i can say - Oh well!
It is who i am ...
Rick worked too hard to get me to where i am.
I will honor your legacy, your memory.
And i will stand on my own feet, even if i stumble and fall.
I miss knowing that you are there to steady me, or pick me up.
I miss knowing that you are there to defend me.
Makes me feel a bit vulnerable now.
But - I am learning to stand firm.
To draw those lines about meself.

I love you Rick.
​I miss you.

Rick -- i love you. and i miss you like crazy. 
it's been 33 weeks today without you. 
i look at your pictures and you are so alive in them.
it feels like you have just gone off on the truck again. 
only you never come home now. 
you don't call me anymore. 
i wonder what did i do wrong? why did you leave me? 

oh i know, deep within me, i know that i did not do this to you.
it was not my choice that you die. i don't think it was your choice either.
i think it was just life. 
but life sucks! 

i'm making it.
not sure how.
sometimes i wonder why.
but i'm making it. 
one moment at a time. 
some of those moments are tear stained - some are just buckets full of tears. 
i don't feel one bit guilty over the tears. 
after 35+ years together, tears are to be expected. 

some of the moments are filled with smiles and even laughter.
i think those are even harder than the tears. 
the guilt comes in - wave on wave. threatening to overwhelm me.
to take me under. 
everyone says not to feel guilty when i laugh, or when i smile. 
everyone says that you would want me to go forward with my life. 
everyone says that you would want me to Live. 
on one hand, i think they are right. 
and on the other hand, i want to scream - what do you know? how do you know what my husband would want? 

you and i had hours upon hours of conversations in the last 3 years.
And even more the last year. 
i have no real doubt of what you would say to me now ... of what you would want for me. 
*it's all going to be ok, honey. 
*you are going to make it just fine.
*i'm just sitting here waiting on a woman. 
*live your life. and live it well.
*laugh. smile. 
*cry a little when you need to. 
*do what you want to for a change. you have raised our kids - and they are good kids, with good lives. you took care of me when i needed you.
now - do something for you. 

Oh Rick. i don't know how. 
i don't know how to keep on going thru all this.
this storm that just never lets up.
emotions that are all over the place.
thoughts that batter me from within.
sleepless nights.
days of nothing but memories. 
i don't know how to take care of me - not without you. 

But ... i'm trying.
and i'm learning. 
no one handed me an instruction manual about being your widow. 
so, there is a lot of trying and not doing -
probably more so than trying and getting it right. 

i didn't know that when you left, just about everyone else would leave me too.
not in death have they left.
but they have left just the same. 
perhaps it is because some of them are grieving, too. 
perhaps it is because they don't know what to say. afraid that they will upset me. (like i don't stay upset - but whatever)
perhaps it is just their lives going on while mine came to a screeching halt. 

i have met some new friends.
and they are quickly becoming family.
they are finding their ways into my heart and life.
 
i have lost about 60 pounds in these 33 weeks. i would so much rather be doing this with you.
but at least, i guess, i'm doing it. 
got my hair permed again. will probably keep a spiral perm - i like the way it makes me feel. 
trying to keep my nails did. 
done a few little things just for me. 
spending time with the kids and grandkids. 
bought a little car - a convertible. oh it needs some TLC - and hopefully i can either figure out how to do that, or find someone who knows what to do. 

slowly it feels like the woman in me is waking up. 
the music plays again - more quietly right now. 
i think i want to write that book that you and i talked about so much.
-a friend says that he thinks i can, that i should - has even promised to buy a copy of it. (you would like him. i can see in another world, a better time, that y'all would be friends.)-

i don't know where to go from here. 
i don't know how to go on from here, 
i know that life goes on. 
and i know that i want to Live it. 

i love you Sweetheart. 
always have. 
and i forever will. 

​your Meg