I wonder ...

I wonder if you know how much I miss you today ... and allowing myself to miss ONE thing about you? I miss your wisdom and perspective. 

Oh Rick. I am so confused and frustrated. You always said to "go where the peace is". And if there is no peace to go - then stay. What happens when there is no peace to go ... but there is no peace to stay? I wish that I could just disappear for a while - at least till some of the confusion and distress eases. If there was a safe refuge to go to - I would be there before night falls tonight.

I love our kids and grandkids. You knew how much then ... and I know how much now. They don't understand the grief and tears. They don't get the change in me. I hope they never do. Neither of them have the room (or life) for me. They have their lives - and they are doing good, honestly better than I really thought they would. They have the day to day stresses, but over all? They are doing good. You gave them a firm foundation to stand on, to build their lives on. You did good. They love you and they miss you. They grieve - but they are slowly moving forward in this life. 
I don't really "fit" with either of their lives. They know that. I know that. 
They love me. I have no doubt. They tell me that they want me happy - no matter where I am. What they don't understand? I don't even know what true happiness is anymore. 
They both have told me that I am welcome in their homes - for as long as I want to be there. That they will "make a way", "make room". I appreciate that more than these words can say. 
I don't really feel like a "third wheel" when I am there - but I certainly don't feel like I belong either. I don't know my place in their home - what to do, or what not to do. Seems like I create more stress than joy when I am there. Perhaps I do ... maybe I don't. I don't know anymore. 

I don't mean to sound selfish - but, 19 months of sleeping in a recliner, or on a couch ... I am so grateful and thankful to have somewhere to rest, to lay my head - out of the weather, in safety. But, honey! I am aching for more - arms to hold me, a bed to lie down in. I know those nights are over now ... it's hard to accept. Leaves me more tired than I ever thought possible. The realizations and the struggle to accept. There is a weariness that I cannot explain in trying to figure all this out. 

Thankfully, I was awarded the widow benefits. Which means I have a little money each month - I am not totally dependent on anyone. But it really is not enough to "live" on. I have priced apartments, and houses. I have even considered living in an RV again. I have looked into working - but a 55 year old woman is not in great demand. And considering I would need to make at least as much as the widow benefits - the opportunities are even fewer and farther between. Working will remove the widow benefits. Damned if I do - and damned if I don't. I wish a thousand times over again that you (we) had better prepared for this time. Sigh. But we didn't. And now ... 

Staying with a friend - helping out as much as I can. But even here it feels like I am more of a burden than a joy. I feel in the way - even tho I try to make my "space", and me, as small as possible. I care perhaps too much. I worry that my leaving will create a hardship ... but then I worry that my staying will place a heavy burden that should not have to be borne. 

Others make comments - because they don't understand. They aren't living this life. And even the ones who know grief, they don't understand every point of this for me. I am finding that words hurt more than I really care to admit. I keep saying that I do not care what anyone thinks or says - my heart screams loudly, "Yes, you do!" 

I am not afraid to leave ... I just don't know where to go, or when to leave. 
I am not afraid to be alone ... I just don't know where to be, or how to get there from here. 
I am not even afraid to love again ... but I cannot make someone love me, cannot twist their arm to care for me. 

And i am not afraid to disappear - in so many ways i feel like i already have. not enough to satisfy some. i just don't know how to make that happen either. 

i keep looking for direction ... for a purpose in my being alive. why was it me that lived thru cancer? so many do not. why did i live, and you didn't? 
i don't know if i can keep doing this ... i never thought i would get to the point of giving up. 

Oh honey! Nothing is right. 
i wish a thousand times over again that i could hear your voice, feel your arms, know your wisdom. 
what should i do? 
where should i be? 

I hate this life. being a widow sucks. 
empty. lost. 
how much i miss belonging.
day after tomorrow is Thanksgiving ... and i hate all of this! 

i love you - always did ... always will. 
i miss you, too.