It's me again ...

I never thought I could be so weary ... but here i am - weary to the core. 
I never thought I could be so lonely - but here i am - lonely doesn't begin to describe the emptiness within me and just how lost i feel. 

I just honestly want to go home. 
but there is no home. 
home is NOT a house. home is NOT a place. 
home is - - 
- - knowing that you are loved 
- - knowing that you are safe 
- - knowing that someone has your back when the world is against you 
- - knowing that you are not judged nor criticized
- - knowing that you are supported and encouraged 
- - knowing that arms wait for you 
- - knowing that a heart would hurt missing you if you weren't there 
i just want to go home. 

Oh Rick. I miss you. 
even the bad days and times - i miss you. 
i knew you loved me - even when we argued. 
i knew you wanted me in your life - no matter what others thought or said. 
i just knew where i stood with you. 
i was yours. 

now? 
i am me. mine. 
i don't want to do this anymore. 
i have tried. 
oh how i have tried. 
i don't want to anymore. 
i'm tired. 
i want to go home. 

and yet, here i sit. 
tears rolling down my face. 
sniffling. 
knowing that there is no home. 
knowing that arms do not wait for me. 
knowing that no one stands at the ready when the world (or just one person) is set against me. 

even you knew that i do not do well alone -- 
so i wonder why you had to leave? 
it is so not fair. 
oh honey! who will ever want me? 
not just for what i can do? 
not just for being a warm body in bed? 
but for my heart? my hopes? my dreams? 
for the ideas that abound within me? 
for the drive and passion that i have? 

you knew all my faults and flaws ...
you were well aware of my shortcomings. 
yet, you loved me ... perhaps because you were stuck with me. you did promise to love me no matter what. *wink*
but, seriously, who in their right mind would want a 55 year old woman - me? 
i don't need to remind you (or myself) of all the reasons why no one will want me. 

if you didn't want me to be alone - you shouldn't have left. 

i love you. 
i miss you. 

just a bad Saturday evening. with not much hope of a better night. 
tomorrow is another day - i will try again.