there has not been a day since you left me that i did not talk to you.
tears have been cried
my soul has been in anguish
i have laughed
i look at your pictures and you just feel so real to me
- like you are simply not here with me in this room.
the memories are a comfort to me
so many stories of our love, our laughter, our life
i don't always write to you, i write about you
- and i always talk to you.
not sure who gets more words from me - you or God ;)
i miss you, Rick.
more than written, or spoken, words could ever in a lifetime say.
just like i loved you more than written, or spoken, words ever said in our life together.
i loved you then
i love you now.
i missed you the day you died.
i miss you more today.
how do i say i love you?
how do i say i miss you?
this was not how my dreams were supposed to go
i didn't plan for you to die
remember, we were supposed to be over 100 years old together, making love and both of us go in that moment ;)
we laughed about that so often
that was the dream
not every moment is bad.
but even in the best of moments and times, i miss you
there's so much missing in me, in my life.
i just can't get past the missing.
i can't get past the emptiness
i can't get past the silence.
and now, i realize i am not supposed to.
i am not wallowing in the grief
- even if i have been accused of doing that ;)
i am moving forward with my life
one day at a time
- no, one moment at a time.
you and i were so good together
we just were
without you here, it's a different way for me.
i read, some. not as much as i did before you died.
- finding that my attention isn't what it was
- and i don't even like the same type of books, for the most part
i'm writing some. mostly just in my prayer journal, but a few blog posts, a few thoughts.
i haven't worked on this website much at all, a few times here and there.
- you aren't here to know - to read - to edit. to encourage and to support.
- and honestly, it's like no one else cares.
- but i am slowly realizing how important these pages of this website are - - at least to me.
i watch old sitcoms that you and i watched together.
i watch a few movies that you and i watched together.
it's hard to read what i can't share with you.
it's hard to write what you won't ever read.
it's hard to watch something that you aren't watching.
almost like there is a survivor's guilt to deal with.
i tried to keep my promise - and let someone love me.
to find someone that i could love.
i gave my heart, my energies, to ones that turned out to be empty and full of themselves
i spent what little money i had on others.
i was used, abused, neglected, and cast aside.
i was mistreated.
i was accused.
i was manipulated.
and i came out of that with a broken heart, a crushed spirit.
it took time for me to find healing
it took time for me to get my feet back under me.
you sheltered me
you spoiled me.
i didn't know someone could be so self-filled.
i didn't know what it was like to be used and cast aside like trash.
i do now.
rick, my heart is more guarded these days.
after these years since you left?
i am more ok alone than i thought i ever would be.
God and me got this ;)
life goes on - like Reba said in her song, the world doesn't stop turning, even for my broken heart.
but i am learning that i can still breathe
and this broken heart still beats.
i miss sharing so much with you
i miss hearing your laughter
i miss feeling your arms.
i miss you touching my heart, my mind, my soul.
eh, it's a widow's life ;)
i love you Rick.
i will try to write you more - if only for me ;)
September 5, 1980
The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!!