She talks to him . . .

Rick, 
there has not been a day since you left me that i did not talk to you. 
tears have been cried
my soul has been in anguish
i have laughed
i look at your pictures and you just feel so real to me
- like you are simply not here with me in this room. 
the memories are a comfort to me
so many stories of our love, our laughter, our life
i don't always write to you, i write about you 
- and i always talk to you. 
not sure who gets more words from me - you or God ;)

i miss you, Rick. 
more than written, or spoken, words could ever in a lifetime say. 
just like i loved you more than written, or spoken, words ever said in our life together. 
i loved you then
i love you now. 
i missed you the day you died. 
i miss you more today. 

how do i say i love you? 
how do i say i miss you? 

this was not how my dreams were supposed to go
i didn't plan for you to die
remember, we were supposed to be over 100 years old together, making love and both of us go in that moment ;)
we laughed about that so often
that was the dream
not this. 

not every moment is bad. 
but even in the best of moments and times, i miss you
there's so much missing in me, in my life. 

i just can't get past the missing. 
i can't get past the emptiness
i can't get past the silence. 
and now, i realize i am not supposed to. 
i am not wallowing in the grief
- even if i have been accused of doing that ;)
i am moving forward with my life 
one day at a time
- no, one moment at a time. 


you and i were so good together
we fit
we just were
without you here, it's a different way for me. 

i read, some. not as much as i did before you died. 
- finding that my attention isn't what it was
- and i don't even like the same type of books, for the most part

i'm writing some. mostly just in my prayer journal, but a few blog posts, a few thoughts. 
i haven't worked on this website much at all, a few times here and there.
- you aren't here to know - to read - to edit. to encourage and to support.
- and honestly, it's like no one else cares. 
- but i am slowly realizing how important these pages of this website are - - at least to me. 
i watch old sitcoms that you and i watched together. 
i watch a few movies that you and i watched together. 


it's hard to read what i can't share with you. 
it's hard to write what you won't ever read.
it's hard to watch something that you aren't watching.
almost like there is a survivor's guilt to deal with. 


i tried to keep my promise - and let someone love me. 
to find someone that i could love. 
i gave my heart, my energies, to ones that turned out to be empty and full of themselves
i spent what little money i had on others. 
i was used, abused, neglected, and cast aside. 
i was mistreated. 
i was accused. 
i was manipulated. 
and i came out of that with a broken heart, a crushed spirit. 


it took time for me to find healing 
it took time for me to get my feet back under me. 
you sheltered me 
you spoiled me. 
i didn't know someone could be so self-filled. 
i didn't know what it was like to be used and cast aside like trash. 
i do now. 


rick, my heart is more guarded these days. 
and honestly? 
after these years since you left? 
i am more ok alone than i thought i ever would be. 
God and me got this ;)

life goes on - like Reba said in her song, the world doesn't stop turning, even for my broken heart. 
but i am learning that i can still breathe
and this broken heart still beats. 

i miss sharing so much with you
i miss hearing your laughter
i miss feeling your arms. 
i miss you touching my heart, my mind, my soul. 

eh, it's a widow's life ;) 
i love you Rick. 
i will try to write you more - if only for me ;)