Rick,
there has not been a day since you left me that i did not talk to you. tears have been cried my soul has been in anguish i have laughed i look at your pictures and you just feel so real to me - like you are simply not here with me in this room. the memories are a comfort to me so many stories of our love, our laughter, our life i don't always write to you, i write about you - and i always talk to you. not sure who gets more words from me - you or God ;) i miss you, Rick. more than written, or spoken, words could ever in a lifetime say. just like i loved you more than written, or spoken, words ever said in our life together. i loved you then i love you now. i missed you the day you died. i miss you more today. how do i say i love you? how do i say i miss you? this was not how my dreams were supposed to go i didn't plan for you to die remember, we were supposed to be over 100 years old together, making love and both of us go in that moment ;) we laughed about that so often that was the dream not this. not every moment is bad. but even in the best of moments and times, i miss you there's so much missing in me, in my life. i just can't get past the missing. i can't get past the emptiness i can't get past the silence. and now, i realize i am not supposed to. i am not wallowing in the grief - even if i have been accused of doing that ;) i am moving forward with my life one day at a time - no, one moment at a time. you and i were so good together we fit we just were without you here, it's a different way for me. i read, some. not as much as i did before you died. - finding that my attention isn't what it was - and i don't even like the same type of books, for the most part i'm writing some. mostly just in my prayer journal, but a few blog posts, a few thoughts. i haven't worked on this website much at all, a few times here and there. - you aren't here to know - to read - to edit. to encourage and to support. - and honestly, it's like no one else cares. - but i am slowly realizing how important these pages of this website are - - at least to me. i watch old sitcoms that you and i watched together. i watch a few movies that you and i watched together. it's hard to read what i can't share with you. it's hard to write what you won't ever read. it's hard to watch something that you aren't watching. almost like there is a survivor's guilt to deal with. i tried to keep my promise - and let someone love me. to find someone that i could love. i gave my heart, my energies, to ones that turned out to be empty and full of themselves i spent what little money i had on others. i was used, abused, neglected, and cast aside. i was mistreated. i was accused. i was manipulated. and i came out of that with a broken heart, a crushed spirit. it took time for me to find healing it took time for me to get my feet back under me. you sheltered me you spoiled me. i didn't know someone could be so self-filled. i didn't know what it was like to be used and cast aside like trash. i do now. rick, my heart is more guarded these days. and honestly? after these years since you left? i am more ok alone than i thought i ever would be. God and me got this ;) life goes on - like Reba said in her song, the world doesn't stop turning, even for my broken heart. but i am learning that i can still breathe and this broken heart still beats. i miss sharing so much with you i miss hearing your laughter i miss feeling your arms. i miss you touching my heart, my mind, my soul. eh, it's a widow's life ;) i love you Rick. i will try to write you more - if only for me ;)
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September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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