Please do not judge me on these words -- this is just part of the "not so good" part of all this ...
I haven't spent a lot of time working on "my" stuff lately ... website, blogs, reading, pictures, genealogy, recipes ... I have spent most of my time and energy either helping out here in the park, or dealing with my husband.
I love my husband. I have loved him always. And I will love him forever. So, please do not judge me ...
But dealing with a chronic illness is so different than dealing with the illnesses and injuries of life. And if you have never had to deal with a chronic illness - be thankful, and pray for us! Please - pray for us!!!!!
You know, when we went to the training to know what to do and how to do the home dialysis - nothing was said about the mental and emotional aspects of it all. And in my opinion? That is one thing that NEEDS to be included in that training!!!
We were not prepared in any form or fashion for all this! The discouragement, the frustrations, the wild pendulum ride of emotions - the extreme highs and the absolute lows. The battles with resentment and bitterness and anger. Wow. No other word. Just wow. And certainly not a good wow.
I did not know how much the kidney failure would affect our marriage, our life.
I do now. And it is a hard adjustment ... and feels awfully lonely - especially in the dark of the moments. Sigh.
Sadly, the emotional and mental side of it all is actually harder to deal with than the physical. Just to know that unless God performs a mighty miracle - this is life now. This is the best it will be. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There might even be as many years to life as there would be without the kidney failure. But unless God does a miracle - this is life, this is about as good as we can expect it to be.
And don't misunderstand me - I am so grateful that Rick is doing good. His numbers are good. His color is good. He still has a lot of energy and strength. Physically he is doing very well - especially for a kidney patient on dialysis. We have talked to others, and to the doctor/nurses ... and everyone says how very well he is doing. And we do have good moments ... even occasionally a really good day.
But there again - it is the darkness of the moods when the reality sits in. How betrayed he feels by his body. How out of control he feels - cause he doesn't get a choice of the medications, or of the dialysis. Well, he has a choice - but not if he wants to Live. Kwim? Sigh.
And I miss my friend ... my husband. I miss the times of being held, and comforted in the storms of life, or in the thunderstorms. I miss being taken care of. I miss the laughter, the teasing, the playing. I miss going for a walk. I miss the long talks about the future. Not just the every once in a while ... Oh how much I took for granted all these years ago ... how much I miss now. Sigh.
I am grateful that God has given me the wisdom and knowledge to be Rick's caregiver. I just miss being taken care of, too. (Wow, I just re-read these words, and it sounds selfish to me ... but I know my own heart, and I really don't mean it that way! I'm just awfully lonely in all of this. Sigh. And weary. And worn. Sigh.)
**Father God - please touch him and heal him - blood pressure, blood sugar, blood numbers, iron levels, kidney function ... all the aches and pains - feet, hands, shoulders, back, dialysis to be working exceptionally well - with consistently, constantly high UF numbers. Touch him and heal him. And help him to have a better attitude and spirit about life and living with all this.
That he will face it all as a Challenge ... and focus to rise above the challenges.
It's not easy. The easiest thing is to crawl off into the aches and pains, be wrapped in the discouragements and disappointments.
I pray you will give him vision! Hope! A future! And wisdom to get from where he is to there.
Open his eyes to see and know the blessings of the Lord - even in the midst of all this.
Father God - you established marriage.
And you brought Rick and me together.
You have been the glue that has held us together all these 33+ years.
Don't let us go!!!
Don't EVER let us go!!!
Our marriage relationship/walk has changed over the years.
Help us to accept those changes -
Live well within those changes.
Rise to the challenges.
I just pray that in the changes we don't lose you ... nor one another.
There were times that we were better than before "Life" bit so hard ...
Will you make us better in spite of, and even because of - "Life"???
Help me please to accept the differences between Rick and me.
And help me to trust YOU to meet my needs -
either thru Rick, or directly from you.
Please ... In Jesus' Name ... thank you! Even if ... thank you!!!!!
Your job is not to judge. Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something. Your job is to lift the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting. ~ Unknown