Days that make you stop and think.
Days that make you dream and wonder.
Days that are filled with memories and magic.
Days that are dripping in sorrow and sadness.
Rick's Uncle Bill died on Saturday morning. June 22, 2015. He's been such a part of my life. I honestly do not remember when he wasn't. Long before Rick and I married. I will miss him. I will never allow his memory, his words, his stories, to be forgotten. I will tell of the times with him. I will tell Rick's stories of his Uncle Bill. I love you Uncle Bill - always have, and forever will!!!
Not being able to be with family thru difficult times is hard for me. It's not that I can fix anything, but just to be near those who have memories, too. I will grieve for myself this week - selfishly some will say - that I cannot be there with Aunt Jerry and the girls, I will not be held by my son and my grandsons as I mourn the loss of such a great man. I will not be able to wrap my arms of understanding and love around Aunt Jerry, who was there so much for me these last 4 years of being a widow. Yes, I will grieve for Uncle Bill, I will grieve for his family and his friends, and I will grieve yet once again for me.
Rick, I sure could use a hug today. A hug of understanding and care. A hug lacking in judgment and criticism. A hug filled with love and memories. Oh Rick!
Life is all about changes. This I know. All too well, I know. Rick used to say that the only certain thing in life was change. Damn, I wish he wasn't right!
I am working on some more changes for me. Physically, emotionally, mentally, hopefully financially as well. There has to be more to life than what I have been surviving on. There has to be life, love, and laughter. I know that all that I decide from this point on will not be met with acceptance and support. However, this is my life and I must do what is best for me. I realize that my choices and decisions affect those in "my world", and I do care about their feelings. I've never been one that cared much what others thought of me, I am my own person, comfortable with me. I do have a heart of concern, in that I don't want to purposely hurt or offend others. But again, this is my life and I must do what is best for me. If I screw it up, it's on me. Sigh. I do my best to weigh everything out, and probably overthink things way too much in the process. There comes a time when you just have to take that step of faith and move on forward, regardless of what others may want or say.
Where will I go? How will I go? What will I do? Where do I start? Will this be a life alone for me? I have many more questions than answers. It's time I give serious thought to those questions and accept what I cannot change, change what I can, and know the difference between the two so that I don't continue to spin my wheels and waste precious time.
I will miss Rick as long as I have breath. There will never be a day where I don't think about him. Not one experience where I don't consider what he would think or how he would feel. Not a morsel of food will pass my lips without wondering, or knowing, how he would react to it, and hearing his words of "how good it is". There will be no sick days or days of pain where I will not hear his caring voice speaking over me. Never will there be a glass of wine, or rum, where I will not look across my glass and see his sparkling eyes smiling at me. But there is healing and hope ... and a life to be lived. It is time to move forward and do what I can to live and laugh and love.
I believe the best way I can honor his memory is to live life to the fullest. He was a man who was honorable, and filled with great passion. He loved to laugh, even at himself. He loved the great outdoors, in all kinds of weather. He loved old westerns and good action movies, as well as the romantic comedies. He was a history nut. And the list of his passions go on ... and on. His children ... his grandchildren ... his family ... his friends ... his wife. I will take a deep breath and continue his legacy of loving and laughing with passion, and living life with honor.
I have made mistakes these past 4 years. Having never been a widow before, and finding no manual on how to do this, I have taken some missteps, I have made choices & decisions that were not the wisest. I have spent money trying to balm over the pain and emptiness. I have eaten, or not eaten, for comfort. I have not slept for fear of the dreams, or fear of not seeing Rick in my sleep. I have lost friendships, not as a direct choice, but more of a indirect effect of a choice made. Family relationships have been torn and hurt, again, not as a direct choice of mine, but as a result of misunderstandings more than anything else. I have held to what I wanted as my life, our life, rather than simply embracing the life I have been handed. Not everything I have done or said has been wrong, but there has been enough wrong to make me have regrets ... but as Rick said so many times - "It's in the past, honey. We do what we think best at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20. If there were mistakes? Then admit it, quit it, and go on." I cannot live in the regrets ... but I can choose more wisely what my next regrets will be.
Life goes on.
My choice is to go on with it.
I will figure this out one moment at a time ... one day at a time.
Mistakes, regrets, defeats.
Laughter, Love, Victories.
Life goes on.