How is it the end of June?

I sit here on this Tuesday afternoon, and I find myself wondering yet again, "Where has the time gone?" 
It has been a few days over a month since I last blogged here. 
I've had time. 
There have even been things to write about. 
But honestly? 
I haven't wanted to write. 
Sometimes there is a heaviness on my heart, and the words just won't come. 
A weariness on my mind and body, where all I really want to do is sleep. 
I know it is wearing the veil of grief as a widow.
Yes, even after 6 years. 
- I have come to accept that I am a widow. And I will always be. Until I take my final breath. 
- No matter where I am. No matter where I go. No matter what I do. No matter who I am with. I am Rick's widow.
- and in being that, it overshadows everything. Sometimes that shadow is sorrow. Occasionally a mixture of anger, resentment and bitterness. Mostly, a shadow of a love lived and now gone. A breath of memory that the winds of life want to blow away. 
And when those shadows come? 
I let them now. 
I let them come. 
And I let them go. 

So, here I am now.
Catching up yet again. 

: I did go to the Horton Family Reunion on June 6. 
I am so glad that I did. And Kyla went with me :)! Not sure she was as glad as I was! LOL
It sure was good to see family that I haven't seen in years. Some I have never seen! 
I truly hope it isn't that long before I see them again! 
The heart was hurting, because there were so many more the last reunion I went to. Including my Rick. 
We talked, we laughed, we told stories - mostly lies, lol ... and oh how we hugged one another. 

: Dr appointment went well. 
My lab numbers were mostly good. 
Protein was down some. Cholesterol was up a little. 
Still not wanting to put me on anything, because like she said, "Margaret, there are just too many side effects to those medications at this point. Let's try this more naturally." 
So, there are a few more vitamins and supplements for me to take. As well as learning when to take them, and whether to take them with water or food. That was a lesson to be learned! 
I had lost weight since the last visit. Not as much as I had wanted to show her. But, I accept responsibility for it not being more, and am thankful that it was less!!! 
The take away was to do BETTER!!! 
Be more committed, more determined, more pushing thru the temptations with the word "NO". Just "NO". No arguments. No reasonings. Just "NO". 
And should I stumble? 
Accept it. Confess it. And just don't do it again. No more beating myself up over it. 

: I did talk with my daughter about it all.
And she suggested that I try the app for my phone MyFitnessPal. 
I downloaded it that day and started using it the next. 
I have learned so much this month - about ME. About my habits - bad ones, mostly, lol. Also learning how to stop them, to make wiser choices. 
Yes, I could put in whatever I want to, or I could leave something out. 
But - the whole reason for doing this is to be more healthy! 
So, if I am not honest with myself, what good does it do? 
If I want to eat something that (or more of something) then just put it in. I am my own judge, jury and executioner. Deal with it. 
One meal, or one day, gone bad doesn't mean that I give up and quit. 
It means that I take a deep breath and press forward.

: Back to Graham, and back to work. 
Only I have been moved to another resident house. This one with Miss "L". Our Alzheimer's patient. A beautiful Lady still. 
My schedule still has me 2 days on/2 days off & working every other weekend. 
We've had a bit of a struggle this month with the other co-manager, but our boss has now got it all changed, and the new co-manager is amazing. 
I worked with my Momma, who had dementia there towards her end. And Momma was always a bit "simple minded" in ways. 
I've known others who were caregivers to Alzheimer's patients.
And I have dealt with Alzheimer's patients and/or dementia. 
But this is my first face to face longer term dealing with Alzheimer's. 
It is such a cruel disease. Taking so much from the family, from the friends, and mostly, from the individual. 
Every moment of every day at work my heart breaks. 
One evening this month we were sitting in the living room watching TV, and suddenly Miss L had even a farther away look in her eyes. I paused the TV and asked her if she was ok. 
"Yes, I just miss him so much." 
I knew instantly who "him" was. For she is also a widow.
I felt her pain, her aloneness, her fear, her emptiness. 
And even now, as I write about this, there are tears that burn my eyes, and streak my cheeks. 
For love never dies. 
Even Alzheimer's cannot take it away. 

: My youngest grandson, Shell, turned 18 last week. It was such a blessing to see him on his birthday. 
I sat there and looked at him across the table, and remembered 18 years in just moments. 
He wrapped me in his arms, and I thought about holding him the day he was born. So tiny! He became "Grannee's Tater Tot". 
Oh the years, where have you gone? 
How did we get here so fast? 

: I heard from my oldest grandson, my Marine, Elijah. 
Sitting here one morning and the Facebook Messenger box came up - with "Hi Grannee" 
Oh my heart!
The tears came and flowed freely. 
Just to know that for that moment he was ok ... and he was thinking about me. 
Then, while I was with my daughter, she face-timed with him, so I got to see his wonderful face and hear his amazing voice. 
Oh how I miss him! 

: Time with Kyla on the way to Sulphur Springs, while we were there, and on the way back ... oh how I love that girl! 
We talked. 
We laughed.
And yes, we even cried a few tears when we talked about CR. 
: A little time with Brooke while we were there. She has grown into such a lovely young lady. 
So hard to believe that she is 18 now, too. 
I listened to her, and watched her swag into the room ... and I remembered clearly going to the zoo with her. How she couldn't see the animals all that well, so P-paw picked her up and held her high over the fencing. One of my most treasured pictures. 

: Going thru pictures on my phone and computer the other day, and I found another one of CR. 
Another gut punch of reality. 
That boy wasn't perfect, but he sure was mine. And I miss him like crazy. 
I know that God didn't have to let us have him for 13 years, but I sure am glad that He did. 

: There are days when I simply breathe in and I breathe out. 
There are days when I feel like I am actually living. 
There are days when I really do feel like a warrior woman for God. 
But lately, most of the days, well, I feel like little more than a child. 
- which makes me smile. 
- because "I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."
Yesterday morning I came in after 84 hours straight with Miss L. Exhausted. Weary beyond all words. Tears that would not stop. Memories that were rushing my heart like flood waters. 
I found myself sitting here at my journal, crying out to God. 
And then, I felt His arms encircling me. Actually FELT them. 
I don't deserve to be held. 
But oh how much I want to be.
With every breath I take, please dear God, hold me still.

: I have come to realize that I cannot do this life without God. 
And not in a "good morning God, gotta run" kind of way, either. 
I want to walk with Him, and talk with Him. 
I want to listen to His Voice. 
I want Him to show me the way to do this life. 
Simply put, I trust Him now. 
He knows me more than I can tell or explain.
There is nothing hidden to Him. 
He sees all. 
He hears all.
He knows everything there is to know. 
And the funny thing? That's what I want! 
There are no games, no excuses, no reasonings. 
No more. 
Oh I still stumble and fall 
Life is messy and it gets all over me, even when I don't fall in! 
But you see, God already knows this! 
He's always known it. 
Even before the world was formed, He knew my mistakes and missteps. 
And He made a Way for me - 
His Mercy
His Love
His Amazing Grace. 
I wish others could know this, without going thru the hard times of life. 

: I am still searching for my place in this life - alone. 
I often ask God what He has for me 
- where He wants me to be
- what He wants me to do
- who He wants me to see or talk to
But I trust Him
He knows best. 
And He knows that my comfort zone is to have a "plan", LOL. 
Course, He has a plan ... but I want to know at least a little bit of what it is! LOL 

: Well, guess I need to close this for now. 
It's getting almost time for me to take my shower and get my things ready for tomorrow's shift - beginning my 48 hr one. 
I need to get a little sleep and rest, too. Maybe that will help this blasted headache!

Life goes on ... even when we don't know how.
... and even when we don't want it to. 

Amazing Grace ... 

((( these are a few pictures for this month. I will be sharing more as I get them uploaded.)))