A hellish night of dreams that were too realistic for a tired mind and a weary heart. Makes me miss being held even more. My blanket doesn't bring the same comfort and strength. My pillow might catch the tears and become wet with them, but it doesn't wipe them away. There is no realness anymore to shoo away the bad dreams, the nightmares.
Sitting here waiting on that first cup of coffee, with a gentle whisper of hope that it will clear at least some of the cobwebs away ... surfing Facebook mindlessly. A comment from a "friend". Started out kind enough, then a bit pushy with a phone number. "Delete". Then a private message offering friendship and inviting me to call anytime I need someone to talk to. "Thank you," is my answer. Next thing I hear? A messenger call coming thru. #1 - I do not answer these messenger calls. My kids and grandkids do not call there because they know I will NOT answer them. My true friends know the same. So, I do not answer the call. However, just to not be rude I sent this message - "I do not answer these messenger calls". I'm thinking enough already. But no. Then I am "urged" to call. I'm thinking, not saying, "Uh, hell no! I don't know you. I have seen comments from you. That's it. I do not call people I do not know. Good grief." But I don't respond at all. Just let it go. It will all go away.
The next message is rude & pushy. I probably should have just let it go, too. But after the hellish night, and BEFORE coffee? I might have had the right to not say a word, but I did not have the ability.
"I have not had coffee yet, and you want to talk to me like this? I don't like conversation before my first cup of coffee and I certainly don't like conversations like this. My husband knew this about me, and he respected that. I am a good Southern woman - COFFEE FIRST!"
Now, if someone had written this to me, I would have just hushed. Back off.
But not this "friend".
Had the audacity to go to a post of mine on Facebook and write a comment that ended with "BANG! Lonely no more!" Now was this a suggestion to me on how to deal with my loneliness? Or was this a threat that it was how they were going to deal with their loneliness?
I lost my best friend to suicide in 1987. I do not take suicide lightly. But you do not threaten suicide to me! And you sure as hell do not suggest it to me as an answer for ME!
"DELETE. BLOCK." I'm done. I don't have to take that shit from anyone. Screw you!
Enjoyed coffee ...
Enjoyed cooking breakfast.
There is only one smell better than bacon cooking ... and that is morning breath - oh how I miss that, too.
I catch myself thinking, "If I could do just one thing right ... I honestly believe I would just sit down and cry a while."
Oh I know I have done things right in the past ...
and will occasionally do things right in the present ...
hoping that doing right will come more often in the future.
My heart simply gets weary and my mind tired of trying so hard.
Time to get dressed & do my hair.
List of things to get done today.
Many years ago, Rick preached a message at the small country church we were serving in. He titled it "Plugged In". He enjoyed preparing that message, perhaps more than any other message he ever preached. He used it several times over the years at other churches, but that first time - he was like a kid! Sweet memory.
Early that Sunday morning, we got up, breakfast, dressed the kids, and headed to church. Not unusual to be there early, but not so usual to be there 2 hours early. I wonder if the kids remember helping their daddy get things laid out and ready for his message. It is a treasured moment for me.
First, he laid out a thick heavy extension cord - down the middle aisle of the church. Did not plug it into the wall. Just letting it lie.
Next, he placed items among the pews. A hair dryer in one. A drill in another. A work light in yet another. The mixer I used in the kitchen at home. A radio. The list went on.
Then, he placed several smaller extension cords in other pews.
Finally, he attached a power strip to the end of the heavy extension cord.
All set and ready.
He then stood at the back door, greeting people as they came in, and warning them not to trip over the extension cord. You could hear some of the whispers about the different items and the wonderings of "what is he doing, now?" Lol
He was asked by some what was going on, his answer was simply, "You will see." With a gleam in his eye and a 1/2 smile. People took their seats, still with looks of questions on their faces.
Songs were sang. Announcements were made. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Then came his message. I think it was a good one that day ... and perhaps an even better one for today.
I cannot do it justice here, I do not remember all the words, but the basic message follows - -
In the world that we live in today, we are so "plugged in" - with TV, radios, computers, phones, and all the other avenues of technology ... yet we are so "un-plugged" from not only God, but from one another.
He then asked someone to plug in one of the shorter extension cords. Done. How useful is that? He asked someone to turn the radio on - nothing. Turn on the hair dryer. Nothing. The drill? The mixer? Nothing and nothing. Rick stood there, scratching his head, with a very confused look on his face. The people were silent.
Someone said, "You have to plug in one of these to the extension cord to make it work."
"Ahhhhh, so that is the secret. Ok, then plug one of them into the extension cord."
Still nothing. Nothing worked.
Someone said that the items must be broken. No, these were items that we used every day at the house.
Different ideas of what could be wrong were discussed. Still no solid answers, and nothing worked.
Rick came out of the pulpit, followed the extension cord to the wall - - there it was, it was not plugged in.
Yet, still - - nothing worked.
More conversation. More discussion about what could be wrong now.
Rick followed the extension cord from the wall to the power strip - flipped the switch on the power strip to "ON".
Electricity flowed freely and every item was tested ... and WORKED!
We are all "an item" in this life we live. We all serve a purpose. You don't use a radio to mix a cake. You don't use a drill to dry your hair. With some of his examples there was a ripple of laughter thru the church.
But, he continued, unless you are plugged in - you don't work.
Plugged in to what? Some of us are a simple basic extension cord. Here to help get the power from the source to the item. Some of us may be the power strip that needs to be "ON" so that many items can be plugged in and used at once. Some of us may be the stronger extension cord that can carry a lot of electricity to power many.
He equated God with the wall outlet, as being the ultimate source of power. Something greater than ourselves, even when we are all "plugged in" to one another.
It is so easy in this life, when bad things happen, or when we become distracted, to un-plug from one another, un-plug from the power source. But when we do, we don't work. We don't help one another. We don't achieve the purpose for which we are here.
We need to look beyond the moment. Look beyond our own self. Consider those around us.
Also, remember, no matter what you believe - there is a "Higher Power", a greater Good, to plug into.
Thank you Dorothy for reminding me of this today.
This life is hard enough. Dammit.
But the moments, or days, when no matter what I do, or say, or feel - something is wrong with it.
I honestly don't give a rat's ass what other people think of me.
However, my heart is tired, my spirit is weary, and my mind is simply fucking exhausted, with having to explain every thing I do or say or feel. Sigh.
I am a strong Southern woman. I, also, have thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, worries, disappointments, hurts, all the "typical" and "normal" stuff that everyone else does, too. So, how does it come across that I am nothing more than a robot with none of these going on inside of me? That I am here for one purpose - to serve others with no thought to myself? That I don't need a damn hug, or a soft touch, or even a kind & encouraging word? That I am "rock solid" all the time, no matter what?
To have someone care enough to look me in the eyes and say, "I care about you. I love you. Are you ok? I know you aren't. We need to talk this out."
Dammit, Rick! You were that one. Why did you have to die? Why did you have to leave me here for this nightmare hell?
When others ask, "Are you ok?" They aren't really wanting A FUCKING ANSWER! Well, they are - "I'm great!"
Damn I miss a hug.
Soft kind words whispered with meaning.
Tender brush of lips in a forehead kiss - full of care and love, innocent & pure.
"Life goes on."
"It gets better with time."
"Focus on the blessings."
"Reach out to others, it will help you."
"Get a life."
And the platitudes go on.
Words that are hollow and self-serving to the one who says them.
Words that sound like a pacifier being stuck in the mouth of a baby.
I am NOT a baby.
But sometimes I cry.
I need to cry.
I want to cry.
Don't "What now?" me either!
That has ONE effect on me - -
makes my heart crawl back into the black hole of emptiness and loneliness.
Posting on Facebook is no longer an option for me.
The nasty comments and messages are just too much for my heart to take.
I will continue to post the meme's, the pictures, the videos ... you know, all the "standard" stuff.
But no longer "ME".
I will reserve those "ME moments" to here.
I dare anyone to say something negative about what I write here!
This is MY website that Rick bought for me.
His first - and final - request was that I be brutally honest here.
"IF you can help just one person face their today and tomorrow, then all we have gone thru, and all that you will go thru without me, will not be for nothing."
For me? This is my therapy place. This is how I manage to crawl thru the nights, how I can walk thru the days. This is ME. If someone doesn't like it? Then stay the hell off my website! Plain. Simple. Brutally honest.
Today? This life can KISS MY ASS!
Well, here it is ... June 11, 2018. 3 years. 1 month. 19 days. 8 hours. I seriously try not to count any more - but my heart does it without my permission. Sigh.
I know that life goes on. Even when I would rather it didn't.
Life without Rick. My Sweetheart. My lover. My bestest friend. My confidant. The one who listened to my stories and kept my memories. The one who just knew when I was stressed to the max ... and even more, knew what made me better in those times.
Depending on the moment - I was "cute as a button" ... "one hot momma" ... "foxy Lady" ... and a hundred more. I would roll my eyes at him - and he would innocently say, "What? You are! And I love you!"
I wonder if he has any idea how much I miss those words ... especially - "I love you!"
I tell those around me "I love you" - and sometimes I even hear those words, mostly from the kids and grandkids in my life ... occasionally I will read them in a message from a Facebook friend.
But to HEAR them from someone who cares ... even to just hear hear them from a FRIEND. Sigh.
"I love you" - - if you have the opportunity (and you do!) to say those words today, damn the complications (there will always be complications - do we allow complications of life to stop us from other things?), damn the misunderstandings (someone is always going to have their head up their own ass and assume that you mean more - or less - than what your pure heart means), damn the perceptions (you are not called to know and control how others will perceive you, nor your words), damn political correctness - say the words!
I love you.
You do not know who the one person will be that will hear your words and their lives will be changed, their hearts will begin to heal.
I am still helping at the office, the unofficial "Office Manager".
I love helping there.
Being around the old cars and trucks ... taking pictures ... working on the computer ... meeting interesting people ... hearing the stories ... working with someone that I truly admire and enjoy being around.
I love it all.
Yet, there is an emptiness to it.
I don't know where I am supposed to be.
I don't know what I am supposed to do.
These questions haunt me throughout the days ... and absolutely torment me in the darkness of night.
I struggle to live in just "this moment".
Not to worry about my tomorrows.
Not to regret my yesterdays.
Just to live this day as it is given to me.
To relish every moment, every sight and sound.
To cherish those I spend my time with, to hide away the memories deep within my heart so that no one, no thing, can take them away.
There is much love left inside my heart.
I simply do not know where to go with it.
I don't know how to love someone that doesn't want to be loved.
I am not afraid to love again, nor afraid to express that love.
I am afraid of crossing boundaries that I do not know are there.
Does that make sense?
In some ways I think it would be better if I were to just simply Drift Away ... go to some place where I truly am alone.
In that place I would not be a burden to anyone ... I would not be interfering in anyone's life ... I would just be me - - alone.
As I already am in my heart ... and in my mind.
I miss so much.
Sometimes the missing is overwhelming to me.
The tears are fought against.
The thoughts are held hard to the back.
I search frantically for something, anything, to fill in the void around the void.
I never know when a wave of missing is going to gut punch me ... taking me to the bathroom to cry a few tears then wash my face ... remove my very breath and ability to even think or see clearly ... or for all purposes knock me to my knees.
I breathe in.
I breathe out.
Search for one thing to make my heart smile yet again.
There is a part of me that believes if I only had a direction, a purpose in this life, then I would be better equipped to deal with all of this.
I wonder what direction I should be going in?
I wonder what my purpose in this life really is?
What am I supposed to be doing?
Where, dammit - WHERE, am I supposed to be?
What reason was I left here and Rick was not?
Perhaps some of these questions are greater due to the survivor guilt I struggle with?
I was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks after Rick was hurt.
2 weeks before he had his shoulder surgery, I had major cancer surgery.
Path report was "very aggressive uterine cancer", yet contained to the uterine wall.
Prognosis was "95% vs 5%", meaning that if I survived the first 5 years with no recurrence of cancer, then I would surely die, but not from this. :) There was great joy at the time ...
And then, Rick went on dialysis. He fought hard. He became more weary than what his mind, or his body could take ... and then he died.
With as much as he had to live for ... why did he die?
With as much as I had fighting against my body from within ... why did I live?
Now, here I am - alive, and alone. Seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, feeling - all those things of life - that he no longer can. Sigh.
These thoughts and words are a bit mixed up ... I know that.
But then, so is my heart ... and even more so, so is my mind.
Just a slight glimpse into a widow's world.
My closing thoughts & words for today:
About a month before Rick died, he told me some things and made me promise him what I would - or would not do - if (or in his words "when") he died. For his peace of mind and heart, I promised, with tears flowing and my breath ragged, I promised.
For these 3 years now I have struggled, wrestled, tried, to keep those promises.
Every time I have felt like "yes, I did it", there has been little to no joy. Instead filled with the backwards twisted reasoning - "If Rick had not died, I wouldn't have to do the promises ... I wouldn't be so damn tired from trying."
Every time I have fallen short of keeping those promises, I have suffered greatly with guilt, with tears, with anger and with a whole host of nightmare emotions.
Now, there has come a release of sorts.
Not sure how long it will last, but for now - I will cherish this moment.
Bask in the release.
*Rick did not know what he was asking me to do. He did not know how hard this life without him was going to be. He had no concept of being alone on this earth. He did not know what he was asking.*
I will continue to strive towards keeping those promises.
However, at least for a little while to rest my heart and mind, I give myself "permission" (is that the right word?) to simply DO MY BEST. WHATEVER THAT IS. EACH MOMENT OF EACH DAY. MY BEST.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here