It has been a while since i written anything. And i hesitate even now to write. I know my mind and my heart - for the first time in a long time. But i find myself quieter than "normal" ... at least with the written words.
there are so few people who truly understand (and for that i am grateful!) - but there are even fewer who will accept these words with any measure of love or care. I guarantee that i will get texts, phone calls, messages, and comments - and that those will not be nice and kind. And i guarantee that there will be many more who will have words to say to others, but not have the courage to say them to me. And all of that is ok ... cause you know what? This is my life, my grief, my journey.
and the path i have chosen, or am choosing, or will choose - well, that choice is not made without thinking and considering everyone in my life. But when all things have been thought and considered ... know what? this is my life, my grief, my journey. i know that i must live the best i know how - where i am at peace (as much as is possible). I lay down at night alone ... i wake up in the middle of the darkness, alone ... i face the morning alone -- so, i have to have that measure of peace with myself, about the choices and decisions of my life.
i am finding it hard to know the definition of "me" - the "who" i am, not the "what" i am. not the color of my nails, not my age, not my weight, not even me being a widow. all those things (and so much more) are indicative of "what" i am. But "Who" am i? What do i like? What do i want? Where is the direction and purpose of my life? What makes me - "Me"?
many conversations with others - and mostly i come away from those conversations frustrated, discouraged, with more questions than i had before a word was spoken ... empty of answers. long nights alone - just me and the thoughts, the voices of the past and future. the voice of my present is for the most part quiet. sometimes it feels like i am watching a violent tennis match - where the past and the future "me" are fighting for control of my emotions and thoughts. Morning after morning i am tired, more tired than the night before when the day was called and over. i feel an urgency to know "me" - to be able to love "me" - to accept "me" - to be comfortable in the skin i am in, on every level of being. so much harder than i ever imagined it to be.
and what am i supposed to do with this "me" as i learn her? as i get to know her? as i begin to truly love her?
what am i supposed to do as i learn what i can live without? how do i get rid of what i can live without? what about realizing what i cannot live without? how do i get what i cannot live without?
i have talked to a few about all this ... and about the only answer i get is the same -- "you need to know you" ... "you have to love yourself" ... "just live this life" -- arghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
i am about at the point of not talking anymore. what good does it do? just shut up and think it thru ... deal with this alone. that's what i am ... i am beginning to believe that is also Who i am -- Alone.
i am not fishing for compliments - not in spoken questions, not in these words. i would just like for someone to help me figure all this out! i can only think of about five people that will give me a solid answer - and even they seem to hesitate, not wanting to hurt my feelings. (which i do truly appreciate). i need to see me from other's eyes - so that i can know what they see in me, so that i can decide if i see the same.
i have spent a lifetime (literally) serving other people. which i love to do. it brings me great joy in spoiling those in my life - adults and children. to me there is no higher honor than to serve others. i find fulfillment and satisfication in doing this. why is that a bad thing? why is that allowing others to walk all over me? why must that be being a doormat for others?
i find very little joy or satisfaction in asserting myself. there are times that i will give a "Texas stomp", hand on hip, and i will dig my heels in about something. But usually? those times are when i am fighting for the rights and freedoms of others. On very rare occasions i will fight for myself, i can do it, i have done it, and certainly will again (i am extremely choosy when it comes to those battles that i fight)-- but it doesn't make me feel good, on any level, or to any degree. is that wrong? why?
i wish i knew how i am viewed as a woman - cute? sexy? just a body? am i truly worth anything to a man? i have been so long from the "dating scene" - and so far removed from impressing someone. what am i doing right? wrong? I knew that "me" with Rick - goodness, we were married for 35 years! i knew how to just be "me" - day or night, and all the hours in between. Granted, the last several years our relationship had changed - and i think it shook me deeper to the core of me as a woman than i ever thought possible. So, now, i find myself with all these questions - and no answers. Again, i am not fishing for compliments ... just looking for an honest - even brutally honest - answer.
i do not do alone very well. some people can do alone very well - i am not one of them. Rick knew that. And a month before he died, as he lay in the hospital bed awaiting a heart cath - he took me by the hand, had me sit on the bed, and he made me listen to his words. hard words then. tears streaming down my face. He told me - "There is a high probability that i am not going to live much longer. Almost a guarantee that you will outlive me by many years. You are too young, too beautiful, too much of a woman - to stay alone. I want you to honor me and find someone, or allow him to find you, and i want you to be happy - together." My desire then was for Rick and Rick alone. If i could have my heart's desire now? it would be to have Rick and Rick alone. But life and death are cruel and hard - Rick is gone, he is never coming back to me. So, i am left alone. Alone that i do not do well. Alone that i am struggling with.
my heart is lonely.
i want to be alone ... but with someone. someone that will understand the deep emotions of love and loss and grief. someone that will be kind and compassionate to me. someone that will be glad to say that i am his and he is mine. someone who knows my past, understands my present, and supports my future. someone that i can honor and admire. someone that challenges my mind. someone that stirs my body. someone that calls to me from the darkness of this life. someone who is truly willing to walk with me along this path of life and loss and grief. someone who will be a LIFE partner.
i want to explore this life. have adventures - whether it is a trip along a country road, or reading and discussing a book together. to smile and to laugh - over silly old TV shows, or corny jokes, or funny pictures, or whatever makes us smile, whatever can turn the giggle box over and upside down. to enjoy friends and family together. learn new things. i want to LIVE this life i have been given.
Will i ever get married again? at this moment in my life the answer would be a resounding "no". Given that my crystal ball got shattered when Rick died, and knowing that all things change - i don't know whether i will ever get married again or not. i know this - i don't want to get married for convenience, nor because someone else thinks it is the right thing to do. If i ever get married it will be because he and i have a love and an understanding of one another that surpasses time and circumstances. I will never love another the way that i loved Rick, the way that i still love him.
But my heart has the capacity to love again. i know that now.
So, in saying all of this ... I am trying to learn "Me". trying to love "Me". And trying to live this life so that Rick is honored, and his wish is granted - that i live, that i love, that i be happy.
Judge me if you will ... Rick would not.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here