I want this to be my "Fight Song" - it speaks volumes to me. I pray that one day I really will be able to sing it with my life.

I wrote this in my journal today -
*Rick I love you. I believe you would have me fight thru all this. You know me good enough that you know I will always love you, I will always miss you. There will be tears on my face for as long as I have breath. Because I love you. And I miss you. But you also know me good enough to know that I just cannot give up You are waiting on me - your wife, your woman. And you have told me to just take my time. Thank you Sweetheart. I love you.

There will be moments that I sing the Fight Song. And there will be moments that I just let it sing over me. God, help me in all the moments of this life. Always Trusting in Jesus.

I love you Rick.
I love you God our Father.

Sigh.
Sometimes I think about coming here and writing ... and then I don't.
I'm not real sure what to write anymore.

This blog and website was started as a way to share what Rick and I were going thru. And now? Rick is at peace ... he is at rest. I am not.
Just how much do you want to read over and over again - that I love my husband, that I miss him like crazy???
But this is my life now, and it is what I am going thru.

My days are spent ...
...helping teach 2 of our grandkids in homeschool, guiding them in their studies, reading aloud with them ...
...being on Facebook - a member of support groups for widows and widowers. I am finding a commonality there that I never wanted, but so thankful for! It doesn't take the pain, grief, sorrow and loneliness away - but it does make me realize that I am not alone in this journey.
...reading my Bible - it is my Strength, my Hope. Rick and I read the Bible individually and together. We talked about the Bible a LOT. I miss that. I still read the Word ... still pray ... But I miss the sharing and talking.
...writing in my journal. Talk about writing a book! there are days that it seems all i do is write!!!!! it is my safe place - where i cry, pray, remember, love on Rick, miss him like crazy.
...trying to find something to work on each day that will ease the pain of this grief. it's hard tho. my attention span doesn't seem to be very long anymore. and what interested me 2 days ago no longer seems to hold the same for me.
...yesterday, i started a lap quilt. Made from some of my momma's quilt pieces, and quilt pieces cut from Rick's favorite shirts. I made the top and pinned it to the blanket - Rick's favorite blanket, the one he covered up with when he was cold, or didn't feel good, or was just plain oofie.
...i love to read - but i have a hard time concentrating long enough to finish a book.
...i have started coloring - using it for therapy. It works some ... helps to find a focus for me.  

My nights ... well ... those are my very own.
The first 3-4 months i didn't sleep much, at least not every night. I would sleep 1-2 hours, be awake for 3-4, just a hard cycle. I think a big part of that was not only being alone for the first time EVER - but it was having been so used to waking up every couple of hours to check on Rick and the dialysis cycler. Then, i would have one night out of 4 or so that i would absolutely crash - and i would sleep.
And now, 188 days later, 6 months into this - i sleep more at night. Now i seem to sleep 3 hours and be awake an hour or two. i snuggle with the T-shirt quilt i made from Rick's favorite T-shirts. I cry myself to sleep - sometimes as i go to sleep, sometimes after i have slept a while and then wake up. I spend a lot of hours in the night time thinking and remembering my Sweetheart, my Soul-mate, my Love.

Every day and every night seem to just simply blend into one another. There are moments here and there of laughter, of peace. A smile will come ... but then, so do the tears.
I am slowly, so very slowly, finding my way thru the grief. I hope. There are those breaths that the grief, sorrow, and loss are gut wrenching. And when that happens, i just breathe. I very literally focus just on taking this breath and only looking far enough ahead to take the next breath.

God is so good. He is awesome and wonderful. My soul cannot be downcast within me - He has been so good and so merciful to me. He is worthy of all worship and honor and glory and praise. I love Him so much!!!!!

Life is hard. Everyone has their own private struggles and valleys to walk thru. I cannot say that my valley is darker or longer or harder to walk thru. I cannot say that I have it better than someone else. Rick and I have been thru struggles and trials that tested us beyond what we ever thought we could have endured. And this valley - being Rick's widow - this valley, I have no more words to describe it. I never thought that the old song about having to walk the lonesome valley alone was so true. But it is. There are those who walk along side of you in that valley ... but no one can walk it for you.

I am just realizing more and more that the God of angel armies is always by my side. Without Him, I could not breathe.

When Rick died, and I became his widow - I did not know just how lonesome this valley would be. I had no idea what all I lost in that last breath that Rick took. He was my lover, he was my husband. He was my friend - my very best friend. He was the one who held me when I was hurting or sick. He was the one who scratched my back, and rubbed my feet. He was the one who looked at my owies, and opened his arms when the oofies came.
We did everything together. We cooked and we cleaned together. We ate and watched TV together. We didn't have "his" shows and "my" shows. We had OUR shows. We enjoyed the same kind of movies - from westerns to chick flicks. When we read a book, we read the same book - so that we could discuss it. We went just about everywhere together - Walmart, garage sales, junk stores, auto parts stores, out to eat ... and the list goes on.
It was OUR life - TOGETHER. And now?
I have lost half my laundry ...
I don't know how to cook and not cook for him ...
How do I buy groceries? What do I like, alone?
Yes, this is a lonesome valley.

I thank God for my children and grandchildren. Were it not for them - I think I would just lose it completely. But they make me smile, and giggle. They listen to me talk, and wipe a few tears away - or cry with me. They have gotten me out of the house ... and given me a reason to get up and get dressed every day.
Angel ... Joshua ... Dessie ... Elijah ... Brooklyn ... Shell ... Kyla - thank you. I love you. I hope you will always know that I love you, that you are the breath that I breathe.

I thank God for all those that call me "momma" or "grannee" - they are the ones who call me, text me, show up and surprise me. They are the ones who tease me and just love me - like I am. Even on the messy days- when the tears come so easy.

I have been told many times in the last couple of weeks to "smile" to "not be so serious". Told by well meaning family and friends. Told by even those who understand the pain and deep sorrow of grief. I am not offended by their words.
But ...
I do smile. It's just that the light is not there in the smiles. Rick took that light 176 days ago when he left. I know that he is in a better place - he had been thru so much, and endured, the last 3 years, and especially this year. But even in knowing that he is in that better place - I know he also has the light of my smile with him. Will I ever have it again? I won't ever have that light again. There may come a light back into my smile - when the darkness lifts. But ...
My heart, my mind, my life - IS serious right now. Learning to live without my Sweetheart. Learning to make decisions. Learning to make choices. Learning to breathe - all without the Love of my heart. Life is short - I know that all too well. I do not worry, I am not afraid. But there is a somberness, a seriousness, a heaviness - not one that I hold on to, it is just here.
I do not fight against the grief and sorrow. I will experience it. I will survive it. God will see to that. I am determined to live this life the best I can - so that God is highly honored and well pleased with me. I am determined to live this life so that when I get home, Rick will open his arms, take me to himself, and say - "you done good, girl".

I love you Rick. I miss you like crazy.
God, be with me.