This has been a tough week. Yes, I have survived, but not without a lot of heart ache, sadness, & tears, which have all translated into more physical pain. I never realized just how much our emotional and mental state have to do with our physical state - but I have no doubt or question now. :(
I knew there was a correlation there, guess I just didn't put it all together at how closely it was all related.
I know this, I should NOT have eaten supper last night. The worst gall bladder & colon attack I have had in a LONG time kept me awake most of the night, and has been relentless against me this morning.
And I know this, I won't be a willing participant in that happening again ... EVER.
I am sleepy, tired, worn out, and in short - - exhausted!
Life is all about change. We begin to change before we are born. And we continue to change until we meet the grave. The secret to life, I am now convinced, is learning to dance with those changes. Allowing yourself to grow with them, often times in spite of them. Finding your way thru the times of confusion & darkness. Treasuring the moments that become memories in the midst of it all.
The greatest change for me has been in losing Rick. He was more, so much more, than just my husband. We were best friends, co-workers, partners in life, in laughter, in love.
I miss him. With. Every. Breath.
No longer will I hold to anyone for this life.
Not for validation to me as a woman.
Not for love or laughter ... certainly not for life.
Everyone is fighting some unseen battle.
Often we hear the cries of defeat, fewer times we are privileged to know the shouts of victory.
But everyone keeps some part of their battle a secret from us. I get that. Sadly.
We need to be kind to those around us, those whose lives cross ours for a moment, or for a lifetime.
But to hold to someone with the expectation that they are holding to me? No. Not again. Rick was the one. The only one. I can't deal with this any more.
Letting go is not easy for me. My heart gets all tangled up in love and laughter and life with those I spend time with. But when there is no other option? Letting go is all I can do.
Even if it does make me feel like a miserable failure.
A string of moments actually. Beginning Saturday morning and still going on. Words. Actions. Moments that change my heart, my mind, my world.
I am breathing in and breathing out. Doing my best to allow them to make me stronger, smarter, and kinder.
While pushing back against the thought to just sink to the floor in a heap, crying out - "I just can't do this anymore. Please help me."
Taking one breath after another. Making my heart to believe in a better next hour, a better tomorrow.
Not being allowed to cry or scream. But having to endure as quietly as possible, with only my heart to feel, and my own ears to hear.
Hanging on to the crown that seems to be slipping some these days, perhaps more tarnished than before. One foot in front of the other.