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What a week, and it's only Thursday

10/31/2019

This has been a tough week. Yes, I have survived, but not without a lot of heart ache, sadness, & tears, which have all translated into more physical pain. I never realized just how much our emotional and mental state have to do with our physical state - but I have no doubt or question now. :(
I knew there was a correlation there, guess I just didn't put it all together at how closely it was all related.
I know this, I should NOT have eaten supper last night. The worst gall bladder & colon attack I have had in a LONG time kept me awake most of the night, and has been relentless against me this morning.
And I know this, I won't be a willing participant in that happening again ... EVER.
I am sleepy, tired, worn out, and in short - - exhausted!

Life is all about change. We begin to change before we are born. And we continue to change until we meet the grave. The secret to life, I am now convinced, is learning to dance with those changes. Allowing yourself to grow with them, often times in spite of them. Finding your way thru the times of confusion & darkness. Treasuring the moments that become memories in the midst of it all.

The greatest change for me has been in losing Rick. He was more, so much more, than just my husband. We were best friends, co-workers, partners in life, in laughter, in love.
I miss him. With. Every. Breath.

No longer will I hold to anyone for this life.
Not for validation to me as a woman.
Not for love or laughter ... certainly not for life.
Everyone is fighting some unseen battle.
Often we hear the cries of defeat, fewer times we are privileged to know the shouts of victory.
But everyone keeps some part of their battle a secret from us. I get that. Sadly.
We need to be kind to those around us, those whose lives cross ours for a moment, or for a lifetime.
But to hold to someone with the expectation that they are holding to me? No. Not again. Rick was the one. The only one. I can't deal with this any more.

Letting go is not easy for me. My heart gets all tangled up in love and laughter and life with those I spend time with. But when there is no other option? Letting go is all I can do.
Even if it does make me feel like a miserable failure.

A string of moments actually. Beginning Saturday morning and still going on. Words. Actions. Moments that change my heart, my mind, my world.
I am breathing in and breathing out. Doing my best to allow them to make me stronger, smarter, and kinder.
While pushing back against the thought to just sink to the floor in a heap, crying out - "I just can't do this anymore. Please help me."
Taking one breath after another. Making my heart to believe in a better next hour, a better tomorrow.
Not being allowed to cry or scream. But having to endure as quietly as possible, with only my heart to feel, and my own ears to hear.
Hanging on to the crown that seems to be slipping some these days, perhaps more tarnished than before. One foot in front of the other.
Moving on.

Sometimes in the wind of change, we find our direction.

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It's about Time!

10/19/2019

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While I am thankful to be used in the healing process, I have been struggling with being only a stepping stone. Sometimes it can make me feel very walked on, taken advantage of, taken for granted.
I am not an assertive person, never have been, when it comes to ME. What I can do, or what I know. Or even what I need & want. I think Rick spoiled me - just by being himself with me. Loving me so deeply, caring so much.
I realize now that I have to draw some lines of boundary around my heart, my mind, my spirit, my body. This is MY life. I am called to LIVE it. But I cannot live it by any one else's ideas.
And I realize that no matter what any one else says, thinks, or does - - I AM ENOUGH! I am a good woman, a faithful friend. I deserve MORE than to simply be the girl who's stuck in between.

More than anything else right now, I desire peace. I am beginning to search for it as though it is some hidden treasure. Because in this world of craziness and chaos? It truly is a treasure - to know peace, to experience peace.
The journey to find it, to have & to hold it, to experience peace ... that is the journey of this day, and of every day from this point forward.
If it doesn't enhance the peace? Time to let it go. Be it possessions, of which I have so few now. Or be it relationships/friendships/acquaintances. Peace. Peace. Blessed Peace.
Life goes on, even on the days and thru the nights that I don't want it to, it goes on.
I promised Rick, my kids and my grandkids that I would do my best at living this life with grace and dignity. It's time - past time - to do just what I said I would do. LIVE IT!

For the first time in a long time I am realizing my value and worth.
I have always known it ... but these last 4 years and 7 months have shaken me to the core, so it's been easier to listen to the negative words than to my own positive affirmations.
I feel like I am waking up from a very bad dream in a lot of ways.
I am worth more than the life I have been (or not been) living since Rick died.
The last 5 years of Rick's life were a difficult & long road that we walked together. But at least we were just that - - TOGETHER.
Those years tested and tried me in ways that I never dreamed were possible, yet I felt strongly that I was passing each test ...
Until.
Rick died.
Since then? I am not so sure that I have even skirted by on the passing part. I have survived. If that is something.
But now? Coming to myself all over again.

I feel like the shift has taken place. Perhaps it has been going on for a while now, or perhaps it just started. I don't know. But I do know that a shift is where I am.
I am not the same person I used to be. She died the morning of April 23, 2015 - when Rick won his final battle with pain and suffering. She lay in that coffin with him. She went thru the fires of cremation with him. Her ashes are mixed together with his - most of which were set free on Mount Hood, Oregon - a few are in the bottom of my jewelry box waiting for the moment when I mix those ashes with potting soil and plant sweetheart roses.
These words to the left are more true than what I want to admit. But admit I must. For this is MY life now.

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When the mind is tired, the heart weary ...

10/16/2019

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I've been thinking about this meme a lot lately. What choice do I have but to accept what has happened and do my best at continuing to live this life I have been given. Isn't it the way to truly honor the life and legacy of my husband? I don't like what has happened. I don't enjoy living this life alone. I miss so stinking much. But I can't change it all by fighting against it.

A mountain man tries to live with the country instead of against it.
Louis L'Amour

I believe these are not only wise words, but true to the core.
This IS my life. Mostly moving confusingly along each moment.
Not sure how to come to terms with Rick's death - or if I can. Something to be accepted, simply because I cannot change it. But "to come to terms" when it means simply to "reach an agreement with"? Nope. I cannot. For I cannot agree to Rick's death. I want him to go back and fight for health and life while he had a chance. I want the outcome to be different. He always told me to go back to sleep and make the dream have a different ending. I want to go back to sleep so that this nightmare can change. Sigh.
"Sometimes you will have to give yourself your own closure." I think that would be the greatest gift.

All of these words are true, too.
I think I am finally getting to the point where it's all sinking in to my soul, in an accepting sort of way.
I'm learning my value, my worth.
I'm learning to exercise self-respect.
I'm learning to take steps back away from others, and step towards myself.
Still trying to figure out what I deserve ... Sigh.

I find myself crying out so often these days, "I just want to go home!"
And then I stop, dry my eyes, and say out loud yet again, "There remains no more home for me."
So, I take a deep breath, and find something to occupy my thoughts for a few more minutes, until the next cry of my soul finds its way out.
I just want to go HOME.

All of the above.

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What a week, and it's only Thursday

It's about Time!

When the mind is tired, the heart weary ...

So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?

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