![]() God is good ... no - He is great and awesome! The storms rage all around us, we feel very tossed about. Our bodies are broken and bruised. But no matter what - God is God. One of the greatest lessons I have learned? That God is God - and I am not. Took a lot of the weight of life and living off my shoulders just to really realize that! I am learning to call on Jesus more and more - and quicker! ![]() There is SO MUCH to research, to read, to learn, to remember in all this with the dialysis!!! OMW!!! There are times that we get so overwhelmed it is hard to breathe. Hard to focus. Those are the times that God gently reminds us that this is not all about us. This is about giving Him praise and worship, walking with Him in thanksgiving. We told the dialysis doctor, Dr. Greenwell, that we are committed to all this - not only for Rick's health and our life ... but also for the life and health of our children and grandchildren. Dear God! Save our children and grandchildren from such a fate as this!!! May they learn from us in this. May we be a source of strength and grace to them - no matter what they face in this life. ![]() Oh my! How much I love and adore our grandkids :-)!!! Just to hear their voices over the phone ... to see their faces ... to spend time with them ... to enjoy their joy and their passions!!! It is hard to believe that our "baby" will be 8 years old next week! Happy Birthday Miss Kyla Rose!!! I love you so much!!! ![]() Well, guess it is time to get up from here and make coffee! Past time!!! We are working on the house today. Trying to get it cleaned and set up for dialysis. We have to do a little at a time. I'm still not to be lifting much, and resting more. Rick has one good arm ... and healing from the catheter surgery. May be "interesting" today!!!
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![]() Rick is OUT of the sling!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! :-) Physical therapist said that he is doing very good. Had his 3rd PT yesterday. Rick said he could "feel" the shoulder! LOL ... I know, not funny - but still, just the way he said it. LOL We met with the dialysis doctor yesterday. Dr. Greenwell in Paris TX. LOVE HIM!!! LOVE HIM!!! We spent almost 2 hours in his office, just talking with him. Not once did he rush us, didn't even look at his watch! He was so patient, kind and understanding! Thank you God for such a doctor!!! Met with the dialysis nurse as well. She took the bandage off Rick's incisions, and the catheter port. Cleaned everything. Said it looks awesome! :-) Changed the tubing - made a shorter one for him, one that is a lot more comfortable. Also gave him a belt to wear, so that there doesn't have to be so much tape on his belly - which makes him a LOT happier!!! And in turn, makes us better! Sigh. Dialysis training is due to start in 2 -3 weeks. There will be 4 days in Paris, then a day here with the nurses. A weekend alone. Another day in Paris. On our own 6 days a week for about a month. And gradually decreasing visits to the dialysis center until only once a month. Short meeting with the dietitian. More meetings to come with her. Rick is OUT of the sling!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! :-) Physical therapist said that he is doing very good. Had his 3rd PT yesterday. Rick said he could "feel" the shoulder! LOL ... I know, not funny - but still, just the way he said it. LOL
We met with the dialysis doctor yesterday. Dr. Greenwell in Paris TX. LOVE HIM!!! LOVE HIM!!! We spent almost 2 hours in his office, just talking with him. Not once did he rush us, didn't even look at his watch! He was so patient, kind and understanding! Thank you God for such a doctor!!! Met with the dialysis nurse as well. She took the bandage off Rick's incisions, and the catheter port. Cleaned everything. Said it looks awesome! :-) Changed the tubing - made a shorter one for him, one that is a lot more comfortable. Also gave him a belt to wear, so that there doesn't have to be so much tape on his belly - which makes him a LOT happier!!! And in turn, makes us better! Sigh. Dialysis training is due to start in 2 -3 weeks. There will be 4 days in Paris, then a day here with the nurses. A weekend alone. Another day in Paris. On our own 6 days a week for about a month. And gradually decreasing visits to the dialysis center until only once a month. Short meeting with the dietitian. More meetings to come with her. I will be posting more information as we go along in all of this ... ![]() Do you know what it feels like to be trying to stand or to walk on black ice? How your feet slide and slip, your body leans this way and then that? Your arms stretch out to find balance and stability? Your mind races - knowing that if you fall, you are going to hurt. The panic ... the anger ... the fear ... the worry ... the frustration ... all these raging emotions in a space of time? Well, take that analogy and apply it emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially ... and that's where you find me today. Where you find us. Add to it being alone ... and lonely - only increases every emotion substantially. It takes very little to cause the tears to spill down my face. And even tho Rick and I seem to be each other's "onlies" - we struggle with pushing or not pushing one another away today, in word, and in deed. Or in not talking, not doing. Sigh. I knew in the beginning of all this health junk, that there would be good days and times, as well as bad days and times. But I don't think I expected such a bad day this early on. Kwim? Sigh. Hard lessons to learn - breathe in, breathe out. Don't ask, don't tell. Shut up and pray. HARD lessons to learn. I am a talker ... a planner ... I like to figure things out, out loud. Even if I can't do something right now, I still like to think about doing it, plan for it, talk about it. It's better than just sitting here, doing nothing. Waiting for a better day. This is a lonesome day. A day that many are with family and friends ... a day when others are out shopping ... a day when football games are played ... leftovers are eaten. And for us? Just a long and lonesome day. A day when the "buzzards" are circling. The storms are brewing. A day when the tears fall so easily and so very often. When it is hard to see past this day. Hard to believe that there will ever be a better day. I want to be happy and rejoice ... but I am so sad and I cry. I miss my momma. Oh how I miss her. She wasn't perfect, but no matter what - she was there. I could always call her. No matter what, or when. I miss my momma. It has been 5 years since I saw her ... 5 years since I looked upon her face ... 5 years since I felt that absolute unconditional love of my momma. I miss my momma. Everyone else seems to think that since it has been 5 years, I should either be used to not having her, or be "over" not having her. I don't know, maybe I should ... but I don't know how. I just miss her SO MUCH. And especially right now. Sigh. I know that the holidays are about so much more than - Cleaning ... decorating ... Cooking ... leftovers ... cookies ... cakes and pies ... Shopping ... wrapping presents ... bows and ribbons ... Lists ... Christmas cards ... The holidays are to remind us that - Jesus is the Reason for the season. Thanksgiving is to be thanks-living. Fellowship with family and friends is more important than the gifts given or received. ....but you know? I miss all that "other" stuff this year. I try to reason out why we aren't doing that "other" stuff - surgery recovery for Rick and for me, the beginning stages of dialysis for Rick, living on worker's comp - ... but it's still hard to deal with. Sigh. ![]() First, I want to acknowledge my daughter and her gift of photography. The pictures today are all hers. :-) She is good! She has an eye for seeing things that others may miss. I am so thankful for her talent and gift. ![]() Rick and I have been talking about how difficult the holidays are this year. We are struggling with the "Bah! Humbug!" attitude. Not that we want this attitude, mind you. But we are struggling against it. Knowing that it comes from all that we have and are dealing with -- kidney disease w/renal failure; cancer; torn rotator cuff; living on worker's comp pay (which if you have ever done that, you know!); not able to get out and about much at all - and when we do, it is a chore; missing our kids and grandkids something fierce right now; it has been a ROUGH year. Sigh. We know that God has blessed us beyond all measure and description. We are aware of the blessings - and we thank Him and praise Him for them all. We try to keep our focus on all the good things, and all the ways we see God's hand in our lives. But just as it is hard to see the sun shining in the midst of a severe storm, although it is mid-day, it is so hard to see the blessings and good things of life in the times of extreme stress and chaos, too. Thank you Lord for teaching us, and helping us. Especially when we are scared to death! Seems we have more tears and fears than hallelujah's lately. But you know, if that is what it takes? Bring the rain. Sigh. ![]() 5 years ago today, I got "the call" from the nurse at Momma's bedside. "Margaret, if you want the chance to see your momma one more time, you need to get on the road headed for here." We were living in Idaho at the time. Momma was laying in a nursing home bed in Sulphur Springs, TX. Rick and I threw suitcases together, loaded up and headed for Texas and Momma. We drove from Caldwell ID to Cheyenne WY before stopping. Exhausted, we stopped to sleep for a few hours before heading out again. This time we made it to York, NE. Stopped, called the nurse. She said that she believed Momma was holding on till her baby got there. Rick then called the state police. Explained the situation and told them that we would be traveling fast. He asked for an escort - they refused. Said that if they saw us, it would be a ticket. Rick said -"Well, I understand what you have to do, but you need to understand what I have to do." And back on the road we were. Me driving for a while. Tears streaming down my face. Praying hard that we would make it in time. 2 pickup trucks with Texas license plates flew past me. I looked at Rick and he said, "Fall in behind them and stay with them!" So, God gave us an escort! All the way from York, NE to just inside the Texas line! Should have been about 7 hours ... but we made it in less than 4!!! Called nurse again, this time we were not but about 3 hours away. She said "HURRY!" Rick took the wheel and with flashers on - he flew me to Sulphur Springs, to my Momma. (And it didn't take 3 hours to do it in, either! LOL) I walked into the room ... and there she lay. Breathing easy. Not awake, but not hooked up to anything either. I walked over, touched her, leaned in and kissed her. Stood there and held her hand. My sister, my daughter, my son, my daughter in love - all were there with Momma. We talked, we laughed. And then - in the midst of the loving and the laughing, with me holding her hand ... Momma met Jesus face to face @ 12:37 a.m. November 24, 2007 - Thanksgiving Day. She waited for her baby ... and we had those last 45 minutes together. Oh how I miss you Momma!!! My first thought after tasting the cornbread for dressing last night? "Oh goodness! That is good! I gotta call Momma and tell her how good her recipe tastes!" And then, a moment later - "Whoa! She's not here. I can't call her. Oh my! Momma! I love you. I miss you!" ![]() Because of the financial strain of this year, we are having more of a "homemade Christmas" this year. Which I know that shopping and cooking and presents are not the reason for the season ... Jesus is. However, it is a struggle not to shop, not to cook, not to do the presents - especially when we are surrounded with it all so much. The hardest struggle is in keeping the attitude of the heart right, the spirit focused. Our kids are grown, and they understand it all. Even our grandkids are older and they can understand some. But this Momma's heart and Grannee's heart is having the hard time. Sigh. Deep breath tho - and we are going for the "homemade Christmas" of yester-year. Lord, guide us and help us, please. ![]() I did the Thanksgiving ABC's the other day ... but I want to say a little more ... Thank you God for my husband. He is a strength to me - even in the midst of all that he is dealing with. I know his body is weak and weary, and his spirit struggles at times. But he is still my hero. He is my Knight in shining armor! We may not be living the "perfect" fairy tale ... and we may not be "happily ever after" -- but I love him so much!!! Thank you God for my children and my grandchildren. They have brought me so much joy. Making me laugh till I hurt. They have given me the gray hairs of worry and fears. They are the wind beneath my wings. So many times this year when life has gotten so bad, they have been my focus to keep breathing in and breathing out. ![]() I pray for all those that read this ... now or ever. That God will reach out to you thru all these words. Minister to your heart. Hold you close to His. ![]() ![]() We went to ETMC in Tyler yesterday. Rick was admitted ... all the pre-op was done. We waited. Dr. came and explained the surgery to us. Said it would only take about 20 minutes. Rick was taken to surgery. (It's so hard to watch them take him from me!) Just about 30 minutes later, Dr called me and said that Rick did great! He said to keep watch over the catheter site, and on Rick - but he didn't think there would be any problems. An hour or so later, I was told to come back to him. He was sitting up. Drinking a Sprite. Looked very good. Talking clear. :-) In less than an hour, he was dressed, had eaten a bite, walked, went to the bathroom, vitals were good. He was discharged! How does he feel? Tired. Sore. Fighting the after effects of the anesthesia - bad taste in his mouth being the worst. Throat raw and sore from the tube. He said that the belly feels different. And the bandaging is of course uncomfortable. Main concern this morning? His blood sugar is higher than we have ever seen it. (And we have been dealing with high blood sugar since 1995.) It has us both worried and concerned. And naturally, after all this, it has Rick discouraged. I am calling his doctors this morning. Praying to get an answer. We went to ETMC in Tyler yesterday. Rick was admitted ... all the pre-op was done. We waited. Dr. came and explained the surgery to us. Said it would only take about 20 minutes. Rick was taken to surgery. (It's so hard to watch them take him from me!)
Just about 30 minutes later, Dr called me and said that Rick did great! He said to keep watch over the catheter site, and on Rick - but he didn't think there would be any problems. An hour or so later, I was told to come back to him. He was sitting up. Drinking a Sprite. Looked very good. Talking clear. :-) In less than an hour, he was dressed, had eaten a bite, walked, went to the bathroom, vitals were good. He was discharged! How does he feel? Tired. Sore. Fighting the after effects of the anesthesia - bad taste in his mouth being the worst. Throat raw and sore from the tube. He said that the belly feels different. And the bandaging is of course uncomfortable. Main concern this morning? His blood sugar is higher than we have ever seen it. (And we have been dealing with high blood sugar since 1995.) It has us both worried and concerned. And naturally, after all this, it has Rick discouraged. I am calling his doctors this morning. Praying to get an answer. ![]() We have so many blessings from the Lord. Just wanted to take a moment and count those blessings ... A ... Austin / Al & Christine / apples / air conditioners / assurance / Angie / America / Alabama - ROLL TIDE! :-) / Amazing Grace / Alva B ... Brooklyn / Buck Jones / Brian & Vanessa / Bettie Sue / Billy & Mickie / Broccoli / My Bible / books to read / bacon / Briley C ... Chris / Craig and Colleen / COFFEE! / chicken and dumplings / comfort food / couch / cornbread / computer to have / cell phones / corn / country roads / clothes LOL / coffee pots / coffee creamer D ... Dessie / Dianna Frazor / Double N church / Double N care team / Dalton ![]() E ... Elijah / English peas / earphones to listen to music with / eggs F ... family and friends / Dr. Michael Frumovitz / fans / frost / Fireproof / Fridays G ... Gunda Taylor / The Green Mile / grapes / grape juice / Grace H ... house - even tho it isn't the one we want. / hot flashes - especially when the house is cold! LOL / How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days / hugs ![]() I ... insurance for Rick to cover his health issues. / iced tea / icees / insomnia - quiet time to pray, to read, to think / ice J ... Joshua / Jimmy Holleman / Jimmy / journal to write in / Jason Tully K ... Kyla / Kevin Belz / kisses / Kevin Hall / Kevin Hamilton / Kathy Groves L ... laughter / Love / clean laundry / Lonesome Dove / Larry ![]() M ... Mandy / MDA accepting me, approving me for 100 percent care. / Mary Patterson / Milton Ray / good movies / music / Mary Lou / Mercy / Yes, even Mondays / microwave ovens / Mary N ... Nick - I miss him so much some times / New Beginnings O ... orange juice / Oregon P ... pizza / prayer quilt / pictures / propane / paydays / Paul ![]() Q ... that it is ok to ask questions - even when it doesn't seem like it. R ... Rick / the radiologist that made an uncomfortable time so much better / Ray Eastin - I miss him, too. / rain / Governor Rick Perry S ... Shell / showers / sunshine / Sweet Home Alabama / Sundays / Saturdays / samiches ;-) / sugar / salt / Sharron Renee T ... Trey / Teresa Wall / TV - even if I do get tired of watching it sometimes / turkey / Tina / Texas / Tuesdays / Thursdays ![]() U ... understanding / umbrellas V ... valleys that teach us honestly more than mountaintops - not as much fun, tho / vases to hold the beautiful flowers / vacuum cleaners / Verna W ... the ability to walk / wisdom / all the Walkers / Wednesdays X ... xylophones - I used to get so frustrated when our kids would play theirs ... yet how much I miss those times now. ![]() Y ... all my yesterdays - the good ones that are precious memories, the bad ones that are past and gone. Z ... zebras ;-) ![]() We made a quick trip to and from Houston this week. Rick's parents went with us to help with the driving. Drove down on Monday, appointment on Tuesday, and drove back Tuesday afternoon. Sure was good to visit with Al & Christine again tho. Sad that it couldn't have been for longer. I love them so much! They have such a way to make us feel at home, and yet special, too. :-) Once again - all our appreciation to them for opening their home to us! The rest of the week was spent getting the report on Rick about needing to place the catheter for dialysis - scheduled for this next Tuesday at ETMC in Tyler. Sigh. There is SO MUCH to think about and to process with the reality of dialysis. Just the actual dialysis is enough to overwhelm us. But the diet changes (again)!!! And the whole lifestyle changes! OMW!!! So, please - keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we try to find the way thru all this, and maintain our sanity in the process!!! ![]() Rick also had his first physical therapy session this past Friday. The therapist was well pleased with the shoulder, arm, wrist, and hand. He gave us good news (which Lord knows we need right now!) -- said that since Rick is starting therapy at 4 weeks instead of 6, that he has a much better chance of total recovery and healing. Also, his range of motion is already good. The strength in his left hand is measured at 50 pounds, the right hand is at 35. Not a lot of difference, considering the extent of surgery on the right shoulder 4 weeks ago. :-) The insurance has approved 36 visits to the physical therapists before needing to be reviewed and re-evaluated. He said that Rick should be doing very well by that time. Praise the Lord! ![]() Me? Well ... trying to be strong in the faith. Trying to trust in the Lord completely. Still recovering from surgery myself. Wading thru all the body changes that this brings. Trying to learn the cancer diet - which thankfully goes closely to the kidney disease/renal failure diet. Sigh. And I am scared. More scared of the depression and discouragement than the physical aspects of it all. It's hard to fight against something you can't see or touch. KWIM? Rick and I both are dealing with life changing issues. Things that just won't go away. Only God can intervene at this point, if He chooses to swoop down and rescue us from it all with a miracle healing. But until He does, we breathe in and we breathe out. And I am scared. All the "what-if's" haunt me - especially in the dark hours of the night when Rick is asleep and the insomnia won't release me from it's clutches to have that blessed escape of sleep. I find myself grieving for not getting the "fairy tale" with the "happily ever after" ending. Sigh. This is not fair! I scream inside of me! Not screaming at Rick, not screaming at me. But certainly screaming at the cancer, at the kidney disease, renal failure, all the things that aren't good and right about his body, my body. ![]() God is God - no matter what. Nothing changes Who He is. Or what He can do. We do trust Him. It's just that our humanity gets in the way some times, and some days. Surely God has a plan for us thru all this. His Word says so - Jeremiah 29:11 ... we just don't see it all clearly right now. But then, His promises are not conditional on what we can see or what we cannot see, nor on what we think or feel, or don't. His promises are conditional only on what HE has said. And He is GOD. God is God. God is good. All the time. ![]() Ok ... first step is to remind myself to breathe in and breathe out, trusting in the Lord our God with every breath and every heartbeat! And then - Rick is having surgery this coming Tuesday @ ETMC in Tyler. Dr will put the catheter in his belly for dialysis. Possible (not probable) night in the hospital. Specific prayer -- (1) in waking up from the anesthesia Rick will NOT have a hard time. He did 4 weeks ago with his shoulder surgery. (2) The nurses will allow me into recovery when Rick asks for me. They didn't last time and his blood pressure spiked, he got very stressed, and so did I. After 3 minutes when they finally did let me in there, he was calm, breathing, and bp was normal. sigh. (3) The catheter will "take", so that he doesn't have to spend the night in the hospital. (4) The shoulder will not become "angry" due to lack of medication for a few hours. (5) Little to no pain with this surgery. We have been told that there shouldn't be. (6) The catheter will "seat" well inside his belly, and will heal well on the outside. No problems. NO complications. (7) That God will provide financially thru all this. We need Him to bless and stretch the "5 loaves and 2 fishes" that we have. Thank you all!!! Ok ... first step is to remind myself to breathe in and breathe out, trusting in the Lord our God with every breath and every heartbeat!
And then - Rick is having surgery this coming Tuesday @ ETMC in Tyler. Dr will put the catheter in his belly for dialysis. Possible (not probable) night in the hospital. Specific prayer -- (1) in waking up from the anesthesia Rick will NOT have a hard time. He did 4 weeks ago with his shoulder surgery. (2) The nurses will allow me into recovery when Rick asks for me. They didn't last time and his blood pressure spiked, he got very stressed, and so did I. After 3 minutes when they finally did let me in there, he was calm, breathing, and bp was normal. sigh. (3) The catheter will "take", so that he doesn't have to spend the night in the hospital. (4) The shoulder will not become "angry" due to lack of medication for a few hours. (5) Little to no pain with this surgery. We have been told that there shouldn't be. (6) The catheter will "seat" well inside his belly, and will heal well on the outside. No problems. NO complications. (7) That God will provide financially thru all this. We need Him to bless and stretch the "5 loaves and 2 fishes" that we have. Thank you all!!! ![]() We met with Dr. Michael Frumovitz yesterday morning @ MD Anderson. 95% cure with a 5% chance of cancer returning. Outside healing is good - he was well pleased. Internal healing is doing good. Again, he was well pleased. I was told to do what I feel like doing now ... with no major bending, and no heavy lifting. Do what I feel like doing, as long as I feel like doing it. First sign of being tired - REST. He said to continue taking care of myself the way I have been. Because of the aggressiveness of the cancer - he wants to see me every 3 months for the first 2 years, then every 4 months for a year, then every 6 months for at least a year. If there is no indication of this cancer after 4 - 5 years, he said that he would pronounce me "cured". :-) There will be x-rays, exams, tests ... in order to catch anything as early as possible. Praising God for His mercy! For His provision! For His healing! Trusting Him - no matter what!!! ![]() Please pray for my husband and for us as we go into this next valley. We have gotten "the call" from Rick's kidney specialist. The latest blood work shows no improvement to the kidney function (at removing the toxins from his body). Therefore, we are to meet with another kidney specialist (trying to find one within his network). Also, the discussion for dialysis has started in earnest. First step being to find the surgeon within the network to place the catheter, then training while it seats, then ... Sigh. We know that God is in absolute control - but this is all uncharted territory for us. A lot of raging emotions ... many phone calls ... much research ... We need peace ... guidance and direction ... understanding ... hope and faith ... courage ... God's absolute provision even in the most basic of daily needs ... Please pray for us ... and continue to pray for healing to my husband. Thank you We met with Dr. Michael Frumovitz yesterday morning @ MD Anderson.
95% cure with a 5% chance of cancer returning. Outside healing is good - he was well pleased. Internal healing is doing good. Again, he was well pleased. I was told to do what I feel like doing now ... with no major bending, and no heavy lifting. Do what I feel like doing, as long as I feel like doing it. First sign of being tired - REST. He said to continue taking care of myself the way I have been. Because of the aggressiveness of the cancer - he wants to see me every 3 months for the first 2 years, then every 4 months for a year, then every 6 months for at least a year. If there is no indication of this cancer after 4 - 5 years, he said that he would pronounce me "cured". :-) There will be x-rays, exams, tests ... in order to catch anything as early as possible. Praising God for His mercy! For His provision! For His healing! Trusting Him - no matter what!!! Please pray for my husband and for us as we go into this next valley.
We have gotten "the call" from Rick's kidney specialist. The latest blood work shows no improvement to the kidney function (at removing the toxins from his body). Therefore, we are to meet with another kidney specialist (trying to find one within his network). Also, the discussion for dialysis has started in earnest. First step being to find the surgeon within the network to place the catheter, then training while it seats, then ... Sigh. We know that God is in absolute control - but this is all unchartered territory for us. A lot of raging emotions ... many phone calls ... much research ... We need peace ... guidance and direction ... understanding ... hope and faith ... courage ... God's absolute provision even in the most basic of daily needs ... Please pray for us ... and continue to pray for healing to my husband. Thank you ![]() We made it thru week 2 of Rick's recovery ... and into week 3 ... then, the swelling started. Not his shoulder. But everything from his belly button down. EVERYTHING. Sigh. He was so miserable. But he didn't tell me until after office hours last Friday (not yesterday). We put ice packs where we could at night - hoping it would help. Didn't. He tried walking some - and when he could, he did feel better. His feet and legs were so swollen tho that it was painful to walk. Finally, Monday this week came. I called Dr. Arneke's office. Appointment for 11 a.m. Dr. Arneke took one look at his weight and at him. Said he had about 20-25 pounds of fluid build up. He wanted to consult with Dr. Tobin to see what was best. We left and waited around in town to see. Dr. Arneke called. They wanted to send Rick to Tyler - Mother Frances Hospital - for a round of Lasix. Said that there was a 50/50 chance of it working. Which was why they wanted him there instead of in Sulphur Springs. Because the only other way to get the fluid off of him was with dialysis. We stopped by the house and threw our things together. Went to Tyler. We had been told to go to the ER - be admitted, and we would see the kidney specialist. All things were "set up" ... NOT. We got to the ER at 4:15 p.m. and sat there for 4 hours. Finally, Rick's name was called - but only for some information. More time sitting. Called again - IV put in place. Blood was drawn. More time sitting and waiting. Somewhere around 9 p.m. he was called and taken to the other side of the hospital, to an ER holding room. At least he had a bed to rest in, with his feet up. An ER doctor came in and did a 5 minute exam, asked a few questions. We were left waiting ... for 3 more hours. Sometime around midnight, Rick was then moved to a 2nd ER holding area. This time to a pediatric exam room. Put on a pediatric gurney. FOR THE NIGHT. He was absolutely miserable. The blood work had come back by this time. His potassium was slightly elevated. So, he was given Kayexalate. (Which I don't really understand - it is an extremely high sodium product, with swelling in the feet as one of the main side effects. ???) He spent the better part of the rest of the night in the bathroom. Sigh. He was also given an IV of Lasix. Trying ot After shift change at 7 a.m. Rick was taken to a 3rd ER holding area. We were told that he would be getting a room on a floor before lunch. So, more waiting ... and waiting ... He was taken to a room around 2:30 p.m. on Tuesday. Now keep in mind - that we have had nurses in and out ... but have seen no doctor yet!!! ![]() After getting into the room (finally) - we settled our things about us. The nurses came and did their evaluation of Rick. We asked permission and went for a walk. It had been a ROUGH 24 hours and we just needed something to help us de-stress a little. We got back to the room, and after getting Rick settled in bed, I walked down to the nurses station to check back in. Promptly got fussed at for not being in the room. ??? By the same nurse that gave us permission to take a walk. Sigh. The kidney specialist came in around 6:30 p.m. Talked to us. Listened to us. She said that a big part of the problem was probably due to the Alka-Seltzer that Rick had been taking for 2 weeks, alternating it with the Tylenol Codeine. She wanted to get as much of the fluid off Rick as possible and then test his kidneys. Said she thought some of the damage to the kidneys (indicated by the BUN and Creatinine levels) would be reversed once all the sodium and swelling was taken care of. That was encouraging to both of us. But after the night that followed at 4:30 a.m. the next morning, Rick had had all he could take. He ordered his own discharge. We were leaving the hospital around 5:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning. Absolutely the worst hospital stay we have EVER had with anyone!!! Sigh. I will explain ... The only complaint Rick has in all of this? Swelling from the belly button down. He is not throwing up. He is not even sick at his stomach. No headache. No confusion. No fever. No stomach cramping. No legs cramping even. His appetite is good. He is walking good. Not staggering. Not falling. No weakness. He is drinking good. He has a good and healthy stream when he pees. No burning. No pain when he pees. *After being moved around so much, and poked with needles, making so many bathroom trips - Rick wanted a hot shower. Nurse approved. He took a long and hot shower. Got re-dressed. And with this bum shoulder, it is not an easy thing. 5 minutes later, the nurse came in to take his blood pressure. We told her that he had just had a hot shower, asking if she could wait about 20 minutes. No. She took it. Yes, it was higher than they wanted. Around 175/85. She came back in an hour and re-took it. It had dropped to 150/79. Still a little high on top - but considering the amount of swelling still present, and Rick's stress level for the last 24 hours ... An hour after the last reading, the night nurse came in to give Rick a shot in his IV. We asked what it was, nurse said it was for his high blood pressure. I asked what medication it was. A Beta-blocker. Rick and I both said "NO". A beta-blocker is NOT what a kidney patient needs! This night nurse started telling Rick that he would have to report Rick, and that the doctor would upgrade his status to more serious, and probably put him over into ICU. ??? *3 times the nurse came in with Lovenox shots. 3 times Rick refused them. 3 times she argued with him to take them - because he has "just had surgery and they help to reduce the risk of blood clots". Now, he had surgery 3 WEEKS before this ... and we are very familiar with Lovenox - cause I had them for 28 days following my surgery. $2000 for a course of treatment (that his insurance would not cover because it was not related to the surgery, not prescribed by his surgeon). The kidney specialist at Mother Francis has already talked to Rick about the possibility of having to have surgery to put in a shunt if the lasix doesn't work. With taking Lovenox? No surgery allowed - too high a risk for bleeding. When Rick refused to take the shots - the nurse became very indignant and tried to bully him. Didn't work. ??? *Because of me having had major cancer surgery a month ago, I am still sore, and my belly still hurts and swells. Rick asked if I could have a more comfortable chair than the hard chair available in the holding area. There was about 20 wheelchairs lined up in the hall, and a roll around desk chair behind some other equipment. We were told no - that I could either sit in the hard plastic one all night, or I could just go home. ??? *Rick has been on a renal diet since January. We are well aware of what he can and cannot have. Besides, they are giving him medication to lower the potassium in his blood counts. Breakfast on Tuesday was French toast (ok), Bacon (ok), an orange slice (NO) and orange juice (NO). When I told them that he could not have oranges, the nurse became irate with us. ??? Lunch on Tuesday was a hamburger (ok - except for the tomatoes), a salad (ok - except for the tomatoes) and roasted new potatoes (NO). Again, when I told the nurse he could not have potatoes, it was round and round. I even called the office that puts the meals together - just to give them the info of Rick's diet. I was told that since I did not understand his diet that a dietitian would be up to counsel us. ??? *The only pain medication that Rick can safely take with his kidney disease is Tylenol with codeine. Which is what Dr. Devinney gave him after the shoulder surgery. Also what my oncologist gave me after my surgery. Both of our doctors prescribed the 10/325 Hydrocodone, with the instruction that rather than take 1 every 6 hours, break them in half and take 1/2 every 4. That way, we wouldn't be so sleepy, but the pain would be managed, and we could stay ahead of the pain. Works great by the way! The hospital in Tyler would not allow Rick to take his own medications. Fine - as long as they are going to give him the same thing. Which is where the problem came in ... They agreed on the blood pressure meds - Hydralazine. They changed his diabetes meds to insulin. Fine - we understood that. They allowed me to give him the parathyroid meds - guess they didn't want to pay the $400 for a script of it! LOL They agreed on the stool softener that had been prescribed to help with the Hydrocodone. They argued on the allergy medication. Even tho when Rick takes it, he very rarely throws up. He has a short gag reflex and if he ever gags twice, that's it. When he doesn't take his allergy meds - he will gag the next morning, because of the drainage. Nurse said that it was ok if he threw up (???), that they would just give him meds for the upset stomach and vomiting. ??? No. Rick and I both insisted strongly that he be allowed to take his allergy meds. They were approved by the doctor - so why the argument from the nurse??? And they refused to allow him the Hydrocodone (at first). Their doctor had prescribed morphine as the pain reliever. NOOOOOOOOO!!! Morphine does weird things to Rick! Not to mention it knocks him out - and how was he going to get up and go to the bathroom if he can't wake up? KWIM? ??? Rick and I went rounds and rounds with the nurses over this!!! Rick finally won :-). Hydrocodone was allowed - but not to be given by me. Fine. I only had 4 of the tablets with me anyway. And since we were taking the exact same thing - and the hospital was going to give him his, at least I would have some in case of pain, too. *4 a.m. Wednesday - Nurse came in and demanded all of Rick's medications. ??? We were sound asleep when he came in. I had to get awake a little bit to even understand what he was saying, let alone to get his meds out of our suitcase. I gave him everything except the Hydrocodone - and they were mine. Oh, no. He demanded all of them! I asked him what if I was hurting? I wasn't the patient - so they wouldn't be administering medication to me??? He said I could keep them if I would just go home with them. ??? How can I go home? We are 70 miles from home, and I cannot drive due to the surgery??? When I finally got it all together, he took them and left. Said he was going to put them under lock in the pharmacy. 15 minutes later, he and 2 other nurses came back. Demanding the "rest of the meds"??? I gave them all to him. He said that no I didn't. He accused me of having some of the Hydrocodone in another bottle hidden away. ????? Said that was what I had told him. ????? I got so stressed out and upset just trying to explain that I didn't say that, and I didn't have any "hidden". Good grief. Rick finally took all he could take - and told them to go get what they had taken earlier, bring it back, take out the IV, and discharge him! We were going home!!! They argued. But Rick won! :-) ![]() After getting home on Wednesday morning, Rick had a check up appointment with Dr. Devinney about his shoulder. Good report. Thank you Lord. Dr was well pleased with the healing of the incision. And well pleased that Rick's pain is under good control. Dr. Devinney told Rick that if he is sitting down on the couch/recliner and not moving about much - he can take the sling and pillow completely off. But he still has to wear it if he gets up. For 3 more weeks. Rick will start physical therapy around November 28. The strength training won't start for another 6 weeks after that. Next appointment with Dr. Devinney is December 26. Next we called Dr. Arneke's office. He wanted to follow up with Rick after the hospital time. We went in Thursday morning at 11. Rick weighed 14 pounds less than he did on Monday. Praise God!!! Dr. Arneke ordered an IV of Lasix at Day Surgery in Sulphur Springs. So, off to the lab first for blood drawn. And then check in at Day Surgery. We didn't mind Day Surgery. Becky and Patricia are the nurses there - and they are AWESOME!!! :-) We enjoyed the visit with them while Rick got the IV. Only took about 40 minutes, and he was ready to go. By Friday morning, he had lost another 4 pounds!!! Dr. Arneke ordered another IV of Lasix, again at the Day Surgery. Another 40 minutes or so. And we were ready to leave again. Now? He is taking Lasix by mouth - at least for a while. Trying to get the rest of this fluid off of him. His feet sure look better. I can see his knees now! :-) And the "other" swelling is a lot less, too. Yep, it has been a WEEK!!! Goodness!!! We made it thru week 2 of Rick's recovery ... and into week 3 ... then, the swelling started. Not his shoulder. But everything from his belly button down. EVERYTHING. Sigh. He was so miserable. But he didn't tell me until after office hours last Friday (not yesterday). We put ice packs where we could at night - hoping it would help. Didn't. He tried walking some - and when he could, he did feel better. His feet and legs were so swollen tho that it was painful to walk.
Finally, Monday this week came. I called Dr. Arneke's office. Appointment for 11 a.m. Dr. Arneke took one look at his weight and at him. Said he had about 20-25 pounds of fluid build up. He wanted to consult with Dr. Tobin to see what was best. We left and waited around in town to see. Dr. Arneke called. They wanted to send Rick to Tyler - Mother Frances Hospital - for a round of Lasix. Said that there was a 50/50 chance of it working. Which was why they wanted him there instead of in Sulphur Springs. Because the only other way to get the fluid off of him was with dialysis. We stopped by the house and threw our things together. Went to Tyler. We had been told to go to the ER - be admitted, and we would see the kidney specialist. All things were "set up" ... NOT. We got to the ER at 4:15 p.m. and sat there for 4 hours. Finally, Rick's name was called - but only for some information. More time sitting. Called again - IV put in place. Blood was drawn. More time sitting and waiting. Somewhere around 9 p.m. he was called and taken to the other side of the hospital, to an ER holding room. At least he had a bed to rest in, with his feet up. An ER doctor came in and did a 5 minute exam, asked a few questions. We were left waiting ... for 3 more hours. Sometime around midnight, Rick was then moved to a 2nd ER holding area. This time to a pediatric exam room. Put on a pediatric gurney. FOR THE NIGHT. He was absolutely miserable. The blood work had come back by this time. His potassium was slightly elevated. So, he was given Kayexalate. (Which I don't really understand - it is an extremely high sodium product, with swelling in the feet as one of the main side effects. ???) He spent the better part of the rest of the night in the bathroom. Sigh. He was also given an IV of Lasix. Trying to help his body shed the fluid. After shift change at 7 a.m. Rick was taken to a 3rd ER holding area. We were told that he would be getting a room on a floor before lunch. So, more waiting ... and waiting ... He was taken to a room around 2:30 p.m. on Tuesday. Now keep in mind - that we have had nurses in and out ... but have seen no doctor yet!!! After getting into the room (finally) - we settled our things about us. The nurses came and did their evaluation of Rick. We asked permission and went for a walk. It had been a ROUGH 24 hours and we just needed something to help us de-stress a little.
We got back to the room, and after getting Rick settled in bed, I walked down to the nurses station to check back in. Promptly got fussed at for not being in the room. ??? By the same nurse that gave us permission to take a walk. Sigh. The kidney specialist came in around 6:30 p.m. Talked to us. Listened to us. She said that a big part of the problem was probably due to the Alka-Seltzer that Rick had been taking for 2 weeks, alternating it with the Tylenol Codeine. She wanted to get as much of the fluid off Rick as possible and then test his kidneys. Said she thought some of the damage to the kidneys (indicated by the BUN and Creatinine levels) would be reversed once all the sodium and swelling was taken care of. That was encouraging to both of us. But after the night that followed at 4:30 a.m. the next morning, Rick had had all he could take. He ordered his own discharge. We were leaving the hospital around 5:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning. Absolutely the worst hospital stay we have EVER had with anyone!!! Sigh. I will explain ... The only complaint Rick has in all of this? Swelling from the belly button down. He is not throwing up. He is not even sick at his stomach. No headache. No confusion. No fever. No stomach cramping. No legs cramping even. His appetite is good. He is walking good. Not staggering. Not falling. No weakness. He is drinking good. He has a good and healthy stream when he pees. No burning. No pain when he pees. *After being moved around so much, and poked with needles, making so many bathroom trips - Rick wanted a hot shower. Nurse approved. He took a long and hot shower. Got re-dressed. And with this bum shoulder, it is not an easy thing. 5 minutes later, the nurse came in to take his blood pressure. We told her that he had just had a hot shower, asking if she could wait about 20 minutes. No. She took it. Yes, it was higher than they wanted. Around 175/85. She came back in an hour and re-took it. It had dropped to 150/79. Still a little high on top - but considering the amount of swelling still present, and Rick's stress level for the last 24 hours ... An hour after the last reading, the night nurse came in to give Rick a shot in his IV. We asked what it was, nurse said it was for his high blood pressure. I asked what medication it was. A Beta-blocker. Rick and I both said "NO". A beta-blocker is NOT what a kidney patient needs! This night nurse started telling Rick that he would have to report Rick, and that the doctor would upgrade his status to more serious, and probably put him over into ICU. ??? *3 times the nurse came in with Lovenox shots. 3 times Rick refused them. 3 times she argued with him to take them - because he has "just had surgery and they help to reduce the risk of blood clots". Now, he had surgery 3 WEEKS before this ... and we are very familiar with Lovenox - cause I had them for 28 days following my surgery. $2000 for a course of treatment (that his insurance would not cover because it was not related to the surgery, not prescribed by his surgeon). The kidney specialist at Mother Francis has already talked to Rick about the possibility of having to have surgery to put in a shunt if the lasix doesn't work. With taking Lovenox? No surgery allowed - too high a risk for bleeding. When Rick refused to take the shots - the nurse became very indignant and tried to bully him. Didn't work. ??? *Because of me having had major cancer surgery a month ago, I am still sore, and my belly still hurts and swells. Rick asked if I could have a more comfortable chair than the hard chair available in the holding area. There was about 20 wheelchairs lined up in the hall, and a roll around desk chair behind some other equipment. We were told no - that I could either sit in the hard plastic one all night, or I could just go home. ??? *Rick has been on a renal diet since January. We are well aware of what he can and cannot have. Besides, they are giving him medication to lower the potassium in his blood counts. Breakfast on Tuesday was French toast (ok), Bacon (ok), an orange slice (NO) and orange juice (NO). When I told them that he could not have oranges, the nurse became irate with us. ??? Lunch on Tuesday was a hamburger (ok - except for the tomatoes), a salad (ok - except for the tomatoes) and roasted new potatoes (NO). Again, when I told the nurse he could not have potatoes, it was round and round. I even called the office that puts the meals together - just to give them the info of Rick's diet. I was told that since I did not understand his diet that a dietitian would be up to counsel us. ??? *The only pain medication that Rick can safely take with his kidney disease is Tylenol with codeine. Which is what Dr. Devinney gave him after the shoulder surgery. Also what my oncologist gave me after my surgery. Both of our doctors prescribed the 10/325 Hydrocodone, with the instruction that rather than take 1 every 6 hours, break them in half and take 1/2 every 4. That way, we wouldn't be so sleepy, but the pain would be managed, and we could stay ahead of the pain. Works great by the way! The hospital in Tyler would not allow Rick to take his own medications. Fine - as long as they are going to give him the same thing. Which is where the problem came in ... They agreed on the blood pressure meds - Hydralazine. They changed his diabetes meds to insulin. Fine - we understood that. They allowed me to give him the parathyroid meds - guess they didn't want to pay the $400 for a script of it! LOL They agreed on the stool softener that had been prescribed to help with the Hydrocodone. They argued on the allergy medication. Even tho when Rick takes it, he very rarely throws up. He has a short gag reflex and if he ever gags twice, that's it. When he doesn't take his allergy meds - he will gag the next morning, because of the drainage. Nurse said that it was ok if he threw up (???), that they would just give him meds for the upset stomach and vomiting. ??? No. Rick and I both insisted strongly that he be allowed to take his allergy meds. They were approved by the doctor - so why the argument from the nurse??? And they refused to allow him the Hydrocodone (at first). Their doctor had prescribed morphine as the pain reliever. NOOOOOOOOO!!! Morphine does weird things to Rick! Not to mention it knocks him out - and how was he going to get up and go to the bathroom if he can't wake up? KWIM? ??? Rick and I went rounds and rounds with the nurses over this!!! Rick finally won :-). Hydrocodone was allowed - but not to be given by me. Fine. I only had 4 of the tablets with me anyway. And since we were taking the exact same thing - and the hospital was going to give him his, at least I would have some in case of pain, too. *4 a.m. Wednesday - Nurse came in and demanded all of Rick's medications. ??? We were sound asleep when he came in. I had to get awake a little bit to even understand what he was saying, let alone to get his meds out of our suitcase. I gave him everything except the Hydrocodone - and they were mine. Oh, no. He demanded all of them! I asked him what if I was hurting? I wasn't the patient - so they wouldn't be administering medication to me??? He said I could keep them if I would just go home with them. ??? How can I go home? We are 70 miles from home, and I cannot drive due to the surgery??? When I finally got it all together, he took them and left. Said he was going to put them under lock in the pharmacy. 15 minutes later, he and 2 other nurses came back. Demanding the "rest of the meds"??? I gave them all to him. He said that no I didn't. He accused me of having some of the Hydrocodone in another bottle hidden away. ????? Said that was what I had told him. ????? I got so stressed out and upset just trying to explain that I didn't say that, and I didn't have any "hidden". Good grief. Rick finally took all he could take - and told them to go get what they had taken earlier, bring it back, take out the IV, and discharge him! We were going home!!! They argued. But Rick won! LOL After getting home on Wednesday morning, Rick had a check up appointment with Dr. Devinney about his shoulder. Good report. Thank you Lord. Dr was well pleased with the healing of the incision. And well pleased that Rick's pain is under good control.
Dr. Devinney told Rick that if he is sitting down on the couch/recliner and not moving about much - he can take the sling and pillow completely off. But he still has to wear it if he gets up. For 3 more weeks. Rick will start physical therapy around November 28. The strength training won't start for another 6 weeks after that. Next appointment with Dr. Devinney is December 26. Next we called Dr. Arneke's office. He wanted to follow up with Rick after the hospital time. We went in Thursday morning at 11. Rick weighed 14 pounds less than he did on Monday. Praise God!!! Dr. Arneke ordered an IV of Lasix at Day Surgery in Sulphur Springs. So, off to the lab first for blood drawn. And then check in at Day Surgery. We didn't mind Day Surgery. Becky and Patricia are the nurses there - and they are AWESOME!!! :-) We enjoyed the visit with them while Rick got the IV. Only took about 40 minutes, and he was ready to go. By Friday morning, he had lost another 4 pounds!!! Dr. Arneke ordered another IV of Lasix, again at the Day Surgery. Another 40 minutes or so. And we were ready to leave again. Now? He is taking Lasix by mouth - at least for a while. Trying to get the rest of this fluid off of him. His feet sure look better. I can see his knees now! :-) And the "other" swelling is a lot less, too. Yep, it has been a WEEK!!! Goodness!!! ![]() God is God. That is my hope. My peace. My strength. My sanity. God is God. Thankfully, no matter the storms of our lives, God is God. Nothing and no one can change Him. And when the storms are raging - I need that stability, that unchanging of God. This has been a rough week - I wrote about it in 3 posts HERE. One of those weeks that leaves you feeling exhausted, weak, and weary. I have had so many emotions this week - with a lot of tears. I told Rick that I was just tired IN taking care of him - and thankfully, he understood, no offense taken. But I am tired OF taking care of myself. Just in that place that I want to be loved on, taken care of. No worries about food or drink. Nothing to do for just a little while. I want to know that Rick is taken care of. I just want to sleep a while!!! Is that selfish? Is that wrong? Maybe not ... but seems pretty unattainable! Especially this weekend. Sigh. ![]() I have an appointment in Houston on Tuesday this next week. We are going to leave here on Monday afternoon. I need to do some things here in the house this weekend- knowing that we can't get it all done, because of our limitations. Need to pack. Should only be there a couple of days - depending on what Dr. Michael says, or any tests he wants. Last we heard Rick's parents are going with us. I hope it will be a good trip - regardless of who goes with us, and who doesn't. I think we will look to see if there are any sights to see, or things to do along the way - cheaply! Make more of this trip than just a doctor's appointment. Looking forward to seeing Al & Christine again. They are so special to us. Family, yes. But oh so much more than family! Friends! Precious treasures! ![]() Missing my kids and grandkids ... sigh. Got to see a couple of "my boys" yesterday at Wal-mart ... Johnny and Jay. And it was good to see them - they are looking good. Good to get a hug from each one of them. They both spent many hours at our house when they were growing up with our kids. :-) But, I miss Mandy ... between her work schedule this week, and our doctors/hospitals ... and now they are out of town for the weekend ... we will be out of town at least 2 days next week -- yes, I miss her! And I miss Joshua and Dessie ... goodness! I haven't seen them since Labor Day. How much I would LOVE to sit with them and just listen to them. Hear their voices and see their faces. Feel the touches of my grandkids - all of them. Sigh. Kinda oofie today for the wind beneath my wings. ![]() ((Written a couple of days before this week ...)) Been a few days since I have written here. It's hard to look past the sameness of these recovery days. The only time consideration we really have right now is to make sure we keep the days straight for doctor's appointments, and watch the clock enough to be there on time. Well, and making sure of when the next round of pain pills are due. Days and nights seem to run together and overlap one another. I think my days and nights are becoming mixed up - and I know it will take a while to get it all back settled right. I have been really struggling with loneliness lately. Realizing that we all deal with loneliness at some point or another. But that loneliness means something different to everyone. Because what is loneliness to one is a blessed relief to someone else.. What is unbearable loneliness to me might be your quiet time, your "me" time. And realizing, too, that everyone has different needs for touch and conversation and the presence of another living body. Been trying to seek God in the lonely times. I know He is always with me. Sometimes I wish I could see Him - with skin on. Or hear His voice with my human ears. Feel His arms about me. God is Spirit - but I want skin. Sigh. So, I am trying to be content just with Him being Spirit. Sometimes not so hard to be content - other times I throw my little temper tantrums for more. Sigh. Thanking God that He loves me, that He understands me, that He forgives me. Even in the lonely times of my life. I am better than I was a month ago. Thank you God. But, still limited on what I can or cannot do. If this had been a "simple" hysterectomy, I would have already been back on my feet with few restrictions left. However, this was not only a cancer hysterectomy, but the surgery left a 12 inch incision up and down on my belly. My bladder was removed, and reattached, there was a section of my small intestine cut away and put back together, and now a gaping empty space where all my "junk" was before. Literally hundreds of stitches inside of me. So, although the incision on my belly may be mostly healed, the inside of me is not. I have many restrictions, and will only have them lifted one or two at a time until February or March, and some later than that. Others are having a hard time understanding this. And I am trying to accept that. Cause (1) this is not their body, so others opinions, words and actions really have no bearing on what I can or cannot do (2) they just do not get it. I am not "milking" the surgery and recovery time. Not being "lazy". Not being stubborn - except I want to be healed! And my best chance of being healed is to follow the doctor's directions and instructions! But, oh my - how insistent some people can be about what I can or cannot do right now. Sigh. They haven't talked to my doctor. They haven't had the surgery. They haven't even read the literature sent home with me from MD Anderson. But they certainly have strong opinions on what I should be doing right now!!! So, I find myself in a constant struggle and battle to just be still ... to do what is good and right for my body in this time. Regardless of what others may think or say or do. Those that I appreciate the most are the ones who have been thru a similar surgery. Or even those who haven't but who are willing to at least try and understand what I am going thru, what I am facing, in all of this. Since I am beginning to feel better, and feel more like staying up - I am going to start work on all these pictures! OMW!!! An accumulation of 32+ years of photos to go thru, organize, and do something with! LOL That should keep me busy for a day or two anyway! LOL Also, I have done some genealogy, but I am going to do some more. This time adding pictures and stories and some history. I won't be able to go and do a lot of research at first, but as I get better and better, I will. Still working on the website - www.kamelotrose.com ... trying to keep it up to date, and interesting. A few other projects that I can do without bending, lifting, or sitting too long in one position. We have decided to make most of the Christmas presents this year. We usually only buy for the kids and grandkids, and usually Rick's parents anyway. But this year? Well, worker's comp doesn't provide enough left over after bills and food and fuel and doctors co-pays. Sigh. We have talked about it ... worked on some ideas and thoughts. Also talked to the kids about it - and they are in agreement and understanding. Just hope the grandkids will understand, too. As we make these, I will post pictures. And if you have any ideas, please, PLEASE share! J Well, time to go make some coffee ... and get into the Word for a little while. Then, gotta balance the checkbook, pay bills, make a grocery list (hope that someone will go to the store for me today). Afterwards, I may take a nap!!! God bless you and yours! May He enlarge your territories. Keep His hand on you. Keep you from evil and from temptation - that you won't cause pain or harm. Yes, God BLESS you! Love always ... ![]() ((I wrote this early in the morning on 11/1/12 ...)) I have hesitated writing these words, cause I didn't want to sound like I was whining or complaining. I'm really not. But in the beginning of this blog, my commitment was to be honest - good or bad. And if you go back thru the blog posts, there are good and bad days. So -- <<3:41 a.m.>> Another rough nite ... Another early morning ... Wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to sleep - really sleep - again??? Sigh. I don't remember a time, even when my babies were little, my kids were kids, that I was so tired and weary ... on the line of discouragement/depression ... sigh. I seem to be on a wild pendulum ride - one side is the vast pit of discouragement and depression, the other side is the beautiful life of passion and LIFE. Sigh. And I? I am on the pendulum swinging wildly from one side to the other. Seemingly always over the openness below me - that openness of ??? I'm tired of hanging on - especially when I am so weary ... I just want to let go. But when? And where will I land? What if I let go too soon? Or too late? How long will this ride go on like this? If I continue to hold on - will it ever calm down? Will there ever be a "normal" again? I don't remember ever knowing a loneliness so deep, so long ... not like now. Not like this. There have been times when I was sick - and everyone around me continued on with their lives. That is loneliness. When it feels like you are the only one on the face of earth that is sick. The world spins without you. There have been those times that Rick was sick - and I couldn't stop the world so that I could just be with him. That is loneliness. And there were the times when Rick and the kids were all gone for the day - work and school - and I was left alone. That is loneliness - but more than not, it was a good loneliness ... quiet time for me. After the kids left home to live their own lives, and Rick would go to work ... and that work kept him 12 - 18 hours a day - well, that was a loneliness I had never known. When we were on the road in the cab of that milk truck, the CB on, the radio blaring, and Rick concentrating on driving - that was a loneliness, too. But this. This is a loneliness like none other. For now - I am recovering from major cancer surgery. Not allowed to cook or clean, not allowed to drive. Not allowed to do much of anything. Oh, I can do more today than I could a month ago - but still, compared to what I could do 3 months ago, or 6 months ago ... this is still nothing. Sigh. So there is a great loneliness in this for me. I know that there are other women who have, and who are, recovering from surgery ... from cancer surgery even. But, I don't know any. I don't see any. I don't talk to any. So, I still feel very alone in this. Alone with my thoughts and emotions of having cancer. Even tho I am at a 95percent chance of cure. Still the thoughts come ... and the emotions rage. And I have no outlet for any of them! Loneliness. For another - Rick is recovering from shoulder surgery. And his mode of recovery is to sleep. Getting up for short times (30 minutes to a couple of hours) and then going back to sleep. I understand that this is his way of dealing with it all - it always has been whenever he was hurt or sick. However, always before the sickness was gone in about 3 days or so ... and the hurt was under control in 3 days or so - on average. But this? This is now 3 weeks and 1 day old. Sigh. So, in all these hours he sleeps, what do I do? Spend my time alone. Lonely. Aching for conversation. Yearning for a touch - even just a handshake! Sigh. Alone with the worries and fears. Wondering if he is ok. If he isn't - do I call the doctor? Which one? His shoulder isn't the only concern. Not with kidney disease and renal failure since January. Low blood count in January - and not "high" since. Low iron in January. And again - no one to talk to. Knowing that I am not the only wife with an injured husband. Just feeling like the only one this early morning. Loneliness. Having been on the road for the last couple of years, we have lost touch with so many. Not feeling very "rooted" today. No church to really call "home" - we have only been to church a handful of times in the last couple of years. Between being on the road - which means not here when there are services - and our health issues ... just haven't been able to be there, or anywhere. I miss the fellowship, the support, the re-fueling, that church is. In touch with family and friends - thru phone calls and facebook. Thru cards and letters. Thru texts. But not face to face much. You lose so much when you aren't with family and friends for those daily walks and talks. When you can't be there for the birthday parties, the family reunions, class reunions, births, funerals, all the family and friend togetherness. Can't be there for the tailgate parties, the game nites, the shopping trips, the times of going out to eat. You miss all those times when on the road. And then, when you come off the road - how do you work your way back into all those times? Especially in the midst of health crisis? Loneliness. I haven't worked outside the home much at all these 32 years of marriage. Having decided with Rick that he would be the one to work, and I would be the one to tend to the home fires. It has served us well all these years. But now ... I feel dangling over that openness of ??? Not sure of anything right now. Loneliness. Things that normally would have little to no place in my thoughts now come like rolling storms ... ...no TV service. Just movies. Movies that we own, and that we have seen so many times I feel like screaming at just the mention of some of them. Movies that we rent, and occasionally come across a really good one. I miss TV. Just being able to turn the TV on and something be there. Taking the remote in hand and surfing. Not really watching anything - just a mindless surfing. And I miss the conversations with others about TV. Sigh. ...no one calls. Our kids call. And I so appreciate that. I don't know what I would do without their calls and texts. But to hear from someone else ... family ... friends. Occasionally someone will call. And it is so good to be thought about. I have gotten to the point tho that I don't really want to talk about us - I want to hear about someone else's life. I live this one, I want to hear that someone else has a life! We call ... some ... less than ever before. Just discouraged. I told Rick that in some ways I feel like I am drowning in this sea of forgetfulness, this ocean of loneliness - and I just don't have the strength or energy to swim to shore, ask for help, and then swim back out waiting for someone to rescue me. I wonder how can it be so hard for someone to see that I am drowning here? Sigh. ...no one visits. Our kids come when they can. I would go crazy completely without my kids and grandkids. But they have their lives - school, work, friends, other families. I understand that. Rick's parents come occasionally. Not as much as what we expected them to. Not as much as they said they would. We realize they have their lives too - church, friends, family. ...I have always been the one to clean house. And now? I can't. Rick does what he can, but with only one hand, and not supposed to move that shoulder ... So --- ...laundry needs washed. ....dishes need washed. ....trash needs to be emptied. ....floors need swept and vacuumed. ....our bed hasn't even been made. I stripped the sheets the other day, they got washed. But it sits there unmade. Even our bed looks lonely! ....the dust is thick enough to write in. Cobwebs are hanging. ....we try to keep things in an order - but since I cannot bend over, and I cannot lift ... sigh. Oh, there have been those that offered to help - "If you need anything, just call me". But do you know how hard it is to do that? It is frustrating and humiliating enough to need the help - more so if I have to ask. Sigh. Rick's dad has done more than any - and we do appreciate it. Everything that both of them have done for us. But it's hard to even ask them. ...and I have always been the one to cook. Never realized how very boring sandwiches and frozen foods are, or can be after 2 months!!! Sigh. (I was on near bed rest for about 6 weeks before surgery, and now since surgery, little to nothing can I do.) We don't eat out much at all - maybe a hamburger on a day that we go to the doctor. We did get chicken tenders on Monday after the doctor. Sigh. I am so hungry for a home-cooked meal! Meat and veggies. Bread. Dessert. Tea! Oh goodness. How good that sounds. But how difficult for us to do. Rick does what he can, and I do, too. But with him having only one hand, and I am not allowed to stand and cook, nor to use a knife (having taken blood thinner shots for 28 days) ... makes cooking a meal near impossible. And if we do manage to cook a meal, we are so exhausted and frustrated by the time we get it together, we aren't that hungry. ....even just wanting a shower makes me feel lonely! We have a claw foot bathtub, and it is several inches off the ground. The rim of it catches me just above the knee. Very difficult to get in just with my bad back, let alone with my stomach having a 12 inch incision! And when I do get in - with help and aid - I cannot bathe myself. I can wash my hair now, and I can wash my arms, my front. Not allowed to bend, so I cannot shave my legs, cannot wash my legs, cannot wash my feet. Sigh. I put off taking a shower as long as I can. Especially since it is Rick having to help me - and him just 3 weeks out of surgery. Sigh. The last time I got in there, I just started crying ... and crying. Rick was concerned. Didn't understand what was wrong. He does not understand the long cry of a hot shower - and how good it actually feels. So, I just dried up the tears. Sigh. Loneliness. Hours upon hours spent at the computer - either writing here in this journal, or working on the website. Surfing the net a little. On Facebook more than anywhere else, except for my website. But finding out that this computer does not talk back to me, has no arms to hold me. No compassion nor companionship is found here as I face this screen. So, loneliness even here. No solace in sleep. Heat flashes and night sweats - at times absolutely intolerable. I have thought about taking a pain pill and just collapsing ... however, Rick needs me often during the night. And whatever he needs - he needs me awake and alert. Not out on pain meds. My body has always been the kind that once I get woke up in the night, really woke up, I have a very difficult time getting back to sleep. Rick can get up and do whatever, lay back down and be almost instantly asleep. Which is why he took the night shifts more than not with the kids all thru their growing up years. And which is why now as I look back over the times of the last months journal entries more are before 6 a.m. Than ever before. Sigh. 45 days out of the last 2 1/2 months - before 6 a.m. (I just counted ... sigh) Loneliness. I am learning to spend a lot of time in prayer and reading the Word. Trying to find solace for my loneliness in the Presence of God. But the human side of me wants a Jesus with skin on, too. Sigh. I just feel so mixed up today ... lonely ... sigh. |
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here Past Posts
April 2023
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