33 years ...
September 5, 1980
33 years ago September 5, I stood with my fiance`, Rick McCoy. We made our vows to one another in the Presence of God, and in the presence of many witnesses - families and friends. Many, Many, Many things have happened and changed in these 33 years. Literally a lifetime of laughter, tears, joys, sorrows, victories and defeats. A lifetime of love. A lifetime of LIFE. 33 years ago I didn't know that I could be so happy. 33 years ago I didn't know my heart could hurt so much. 33 years ago we stood listening to Ronny Bolton sing "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" as we looked at each other in the innocence of love and life. And now, these 33 years later I realize that GOD has been our Bridge Over Troubled Waters. As He has been, He always will be. I thank God for these 33 years - good and bad, hard and not so hard. I thank God for a faithful husband, who has put up with a whole lot more than he should have ever had to in being married to me. I thank God for our perfect kids, and our perfect grandkids (yes! in my world they are perfect! and i am happy with my world! lol) ... I thank God for the ups and the downs of these 33 years - course, I wish we had had more ups than downs, and wish that we certainly could have more ups than downs these days. But at least that Bridge is there for us!!! Happy Anniversary to my best friend, the love of my life, the hope of my future, my husband -- Ricky Lee McCoy. I love you ...
Momma with Mandy and Joshua
I am just so thankful to God this morning - for all the blessings He has poured out on us these 33 years. Even in the worst of times, we can look back and see God's hand of provision and protection over us.
I hope that my children, Mandy and Joshua, know just how much I love them - always have and always will. I wanted to be their momma from that first moment when I knew I was going to be. (honestly, long before that.) And I hope that they know just how much I have enjoyed being their momma. They are the passion of my heart. They are the wind beneath my wings. Oh we have had our "moments" - but even in those moments, I have loved them, and wanted to be just who I was ... their momma.
They have made me laugh so hard that I have lost my breath, with tears of joy running down my cheeks.
They have made me cry and pray until there was nothing left to me.
I relish every hug, every kiss. And I am so thankful that even now, tho they are grown with families and lives of their own, they still hug their momma, they still kiss their mother. =)
P-paw & Grannee with all the taters
Oh how precious are my grandchildren!!! I never knew that my heart could be stretched and pulled in so many directions all at the same time! And I would not take anything for just one moment in time as their grannee.
I have no shame in being their grannee - they have all made me proud, and continue to.
Oh how I love them!!!
I don't get to see Trey and Austin - they are living in Arkansas now. But they remain in my heart, always.
Elijah - my tater bug. My first born, and the one that 'named' us! I love you!!!
Brooklyn - my sweet tater. She cuddles so sweet! I love you!!!
Shell - my tater tot! The ornery one! I love you!!!
Kyla - my punkin tater! She makes me smile! I love you!!!
Lord, all I ever wanted was to be Rick's wife ... and the mother of his children ... the grandmother to his grandkids. "You have given me my heart's desire, And you have not withheld the request of my lips." Thank you Lord for being so good to me.
I know that there have been hard times, and that we are living one of the hardest times of our life -- but you know, I still wouldn't change anything.
"Even if ..." the healing doesn't come - you are still God. And you have still given me my husband, my children, and my grandchildren.
Help me to live a life honoring to you as Rick's wife, as Mandy & Joshua's momma, as Grannee to all these precious ones, and as a mother-in-law to our other kids. Please teach me Your ways, what to say or not, what to do and how. May they all see Jesus in me, and be drawn to you - our Hope, our Life, our Love.
Thank you --
In Jesus' Name ...
I love you!!!
Updates, coffee, prayers ...
Thank you Lord for your mercy. Sigh ...
We have spent more time in the doctor offices, and on the road back and forth, than we have spent at home the last week or so. Sigh.
The last blog I wrote that Rick's numbers had improved. And so they had. Except for his total blood count, and his iron levels/saturation. We got that call the day after I wrote that blog ... and we have been with doctor's and nurses since.
His blood count was down to 7.5 - they want it to be no lower than 10 as a dialysis patient. And his iron levels/saturations were low as well. (Which was adding to his tiredness, and the hard time he was having with breathing.)
Since I wrote that last post, he has been back to Paris 3 times, each time getting an Iron IV, and having his blood re-tested. They also upped his weekly EPO shots to twice weekly. The last blood count was at 7.8 - it is coming up, but oh so very slowly. He has to go back to Paris on Monday and get one more Iron IV, and do a complete blood work up. If he hasn't improved measurably, then they are going to re-evaluate and see what else to do. Dr Greenwell was trying to avoid a transfusion, and the nurse said that after this much iron, unless an emergency, they usually don't transfuse. So, we wait. We wonder. I try not to worry. And we pray.
He is feeling some better. He said that although he is still struggling to breathe, that it isn't as bad as it was. Probably due in large part to the antibiotics he has been taking for the chest congestion, the Mucinex, and the dropping of about 10 pounds of fluid. He even was able to walk around at Wal-mart with me the other day for an about an hour while we waited on medications being filled. We walked slow - but most importantly ... we walked!!!
He has had 2 abscesses on his back (same place) in the last 5 years. I have become paranoid and diligent in checking his back. Thursday evening - back was clear. Friday morning - back was clear. Friday evening? not clear. Sigh. How does this happen so quickly??? Only this time - rather than looking like the other two times, it is totally different. Actually looked like a blood blister on the scar. ? We put antibiotic cream on it, with a band-aid. Saturday night, it busted and got on the sheets. Sunday morning, he took a hot shower, and I washed it good. It continued to drain the rest of Sunday and Monday. Tuesday, the nurses looked at it. They did a culture test on it (should hear back on that tomorrow). Said it looked like an infected blood blister to them. ??? It has continued to drain all week. He is now on antibiotics for it. And we are cleaning it and changing the dressing on it every day.
I went to the doctor last week as well. He wants me to keep my legs wrapped, and elevated. Trying to reduce the swelling and prevent cellulitis from forming. I told him that I cannot sit or lay at all times because I am the only one here to cook and clean and take care of Rick's stuff. He said for me to do what I must do, but not anything that could wait.
He has changed my medication a little. Added another diuretic, and upped my blood pressure meds.
He also ordered another sonogram for my left leg - checking it for blood clots ... all clear. No blood clots. Praise the Lord!!!!!
More blood work. All numbers look good. Except for the one that shows clotting potential - he said it is higher than what he is comfortable with, but not so high that he is "worried".
I return to him this next week for a follow up on the blood pressure and the legs. As well as more blood work.
There comes a time in life that you realize there is no understanding for what you are going thru and dealing with. And you can no longer wait to understand - you just have to blindly trust in the Lord. I thought I was already there. And maybe on some level I was. But God took me to a whole new level this week.
He has told me to quit asking "Why" ... to just accept that HE knows, and I don't have to understand. To simply trust Him.
He also said that as long as we hold on to frustrations, anger, resentment, the "not fair" feelings, all these negative things - there is no room for LOVE in our hearts and souls. You cannot have your hands full of something that is bad and reach out to take what is good. You either don't get what is good, or you put down what is bad.
Lord, this is different. Please help me to let go, so that i can trust you, so that i can have what you want for me. I don't understand ... but then, i don't have to. Help me to lay down my struggles to understand and to figure it all out, to make some sense of it. Help me to trust you -- and to enjoy your Presence. Thank you. I love you so much!!!
I don't know what God has for us, or even for me. But I believe that HE knows, and for now, that is enough.
I want to just enjoy being alive, loving the Lord, loving my husband, my children, my grandchildren, loving anyone else that God puts in my life.
To look for the secret to life every day - look for it as for a hidden treasure. It may be a good cup of coffee ... a cold glass of sweet tea ... an unexpected phone call - even a wrong number ... a card in the mail ... a text from someone. It may be the hummingbird that buzzes my dress ... or the clouds that change shapes ... or the brilliant sunrise ... the glorious sunset. It may be the laughter of a child ... the smile of someone I meet ...
Whatever it is, Lord, I want to see it, find it, and treasure it away deep into my heart. Taking each one as a butterfly kiss from my Father! I love you Lord God - oh how i Love you!!!!!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here