I was a wife for 35 years ... and I have been a widow for 19 days.
I feel lost, alone, scared. I've never been here before.
I am not the only one grieving in this. And I am not the only grieving widow in the world today.
But I am "me" ... without Rick. And I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be "me" without him.
I am learning ... although it is a lesson that I never wanted to learn.
Never do I want to dishonor God - not even in the midst of the grief, not on the worst days. God is my Anchor, my Strength, and my Hope.
Faith does not make this easy ... but it makes it possible.
I pray a lot ... I read my Bible. I am working my way thru a devotional journal, "Jesus Calling". I started the devotional journal on May 8, 2015 - changing the dates. The first verse in the book is Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Now, for me - that is a direct Word from my Heavenly Father. That as hard as this may be - He still has "got" me. He's in control of this journey. Not the grief, not anyone else, not all the darkness that surrounds me. HE is in control. And I am learning to trust Him. Major word there - learnING.
I miss Rick every moment of every day. I think about him constantly. In my mind and in my heart, I can see him laying in the bed asleep, or pretending to be asleep at times - sometimes waiting for me to walk close enough to check on him, and he would grab at me ... always making me scream! LOL. I can see him sitting in the recliner that I now call "bed". I sleep there thinking about being held by him, smelling his presence. I listen for his ringer on my phone ... wanting so badly to hear his voice just one more time. I long to fix him something to eat, to sit down and watch a western movie with him. I ache to hear his laughter, his teasing me - "Lucy, Lucy, Lucy".
He was not perfect. But he was mine ... and I was his! I was his beloved, and he was mine!
My sweet daughter took me out to see Joshua for Mother's Day weekend. I am so thankful that we did that. We all needed the time together. It was my first Mother's Day without my Sweetheart, the one who made me a Momma. So the day was sad, but sweet.
On Saturday we went into the RV. That was hard. Lots of tears. The hole in our hearts was ripped even wider. Looking at Rick's things. Smelling his pillows. Smelling the last clothes he wore there. Seeing his chair, his stuff. He loved living in an RV. We only had a little less than a year in that one, but still ... it is him. We took a few things out. We are going back after school is out, and we will all work together to pack the things and move me out of it. I will be selling the RV. Please pray that I will find favor in the market and it will sell quickly and for a good and fair price.
Mandy and Joshua took a drive alone over to PK lake - a much needed brother and sister time.
Then, on Sunday, Mandy and Dessie took the grandkids for a long walk, and gave Joshua and I a couple of hours alone. A much needed momma and son time.
We all laughed ... and we cried. We missed honey, daddy, and p-paw. We talked about our memories. We wondered about some of the things he said and he did.
It was a good weekend.
This week begins the 3rd week without Rick.
And it is a time to take care of more business details. Faxing the death certificate to the finance company for the Honda. Waiting on them to tell me what they will or won't do.
Picking up the title to the Dodge pickup. Transferring titles of the pickups to the kids for the grandsons.
Going thru stuff here at the old house ... so much stuff! God love my husband - he didn't throw anything away! "Might need that one of these days!!!" O Lord, help me! LOL
Revival going on at New Beginnings thru Wednesday, with Malcolm Ellis preaching and the Atens leading the praise and worship time.
Elijah has a sport's banquet this evening. We are going to rejoice in his accomplishments this year - as well as to give him a hard time! LOL
Friday night is the Recovery Group at New Beginnings. Rick and I went years ago - and now I go. Thank God I am Free - Free in Christ. Free INDEED!!!!! Thank God that Rick is free from his pain and suffering and misery. As much as I miss him, as much as I long for just one more day ... I love him too much to ask for him to come back to me if he had to be in the same pain and misery that he had been in, especially the last 3 years.
I love you Rick. I miss you more than these tears. I miss you more than these words can say. I love you honey. Oh for one more touch, one more kiss. My hope is not that you will come back to me ... but my Hope is that one day I will meet you there! I love you Sweetheart! You are now "waiting on a woman" ... and I love you all the more for waiting!
Rick - 11 days now since you have been gone. I still find myself waiting for your phone call to let me know that you are on your way home, or that you are just waking up and getting your day started. Guess that is part of having been a truck driver's wife.
But then, I catch myself listening for the cycler alarms, wondering if you need a pain pill or a drink of water. That is the caregiver in me - still wanting to take care of you, my sweetheart, my love.
11 days and a million memories ... many firsts already ... a thousand tears a day it seems. And yet, I find myself smiling and laughing - thinking about your jokes, your teasing, your passion and love for me.
The nights are the hardest. I miss you always - but I miss you so much at night. Just to know that you are only a touch away.
How many times did we reach across the bed just to touch, to reassure ourselves that the other one was near? How many bad dreams did I have that you would hold me afterward, calming all my fears, wiping away the tears?
I went to church last Wednesday night. Sat in "your" chair. Felt close to you. And I went to church yesterday morning as well. Sat beside "your" chair - just like I used to do. I could not bring myself to close my eyes tho - I felt you so strongly beside me, I was afraid that if I closed my eyes and then opened them that you would not be there. Oh how you loved church! Where else can I go and feel so close to you.
I thought about you when we were praising the Lord in song - how that you are face to face with Jesus, no more "I can only imagine".
I know that you are in a better place. But I am so lost and empty without you. My mind feels like it is in a thick fog - even while I talk and laugh and cry. You are always on my mind, always in my heart.
I just miss you so much!!!
Some say that it gets easier, that the tears won't burn so hot, that the pain will ease. It's hard to think that it true.
I love you sweetheart. I miss you honey.
Monday ... Missing my heart. But breathing in and breathing out. Got some business handled today. Laughed a little. Cried some too. Heard from a couple of friends. Time with a sister. Coffee and time with my daughter. Phone time with son and daughter. Hugs. Went for a mile walk with my daughter and granddaughter. Life goes on ... because the world doesn't stop for my broken heart. I love you Rick.
Tuesday ... More phone calls...business being taken care...starting to go thru things, but going to take it slow. Seems like forever since i heard his voice or felt his touch. Lord hold me.
Yawn and stretch...longest night of sleep i have had in months! Thank you Lord for holding me and blessing me with sleep and rest!
I love you Rick and I miss you too!
A lifetime of firsts began 5 days ago. Yesterday was my first day alone. Made some phone calls. Talked with a couple of friends who loved Rick almost as much as I do. We laughed and we cried. Got more business handled. Death certificates came in. This is real. First time to go to church without him. More hugs and more tears. More laughter. Out to eat with Angel McCoy and grandtaters. Oh the laughter! And another day. God is good ... all the time!
Rick I love you! I miss you so much!
This day begins the 2nd week of this chapter in my life. It has been a week since I heard my sweetheart's voice saying "I hope you know how much I love you". It has been a week since I saw into his eyes. It has been a week since I felt his touch. One week since we kissed last. After 35 years together - it has been the longest week of my life. And yet, it was just a moment ago. Oh Rick McCoy - do you know how fine you are to me? I love you! I always have. I always will. I miss... you - with every breath I take. I miss you.
A million smiles and tears. A thousand corny jokes that still make me laugh. You are the Greatest Goober of all time! I Love You!!! My Sweetheart, my Soul-mate.
Spent part of yesterday with my sister, Tina McCoy-knotts. We drove to Greenville and took care of some business. Then we stopped at the Christian bookstore - and I was loved on and blessed. An older black woman and I were talking, and I told her that my husband had passed away just one week ago. She loved on me. How sweet. I checked out, and just as the clerk handed me my bag of goodies - she said, "Now, child - you stand right here. Just be still a minute." Ok - I thought s...he might need help. But instead - she handed a journal/devotional/study book to the clerk and said - "You just check that out and put it on my bill. I want to give it to her right now before she leaves." Oh, how sweet! I will forever cherish this journal!!! I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. What a precious act of kindness to a lost and lonely little girl. I pray that God will love on her today and open the windows of heaven to pour her out blessings that she cannot contain.
You never know when you really are being Jesus with skin on to someone.
Yesterday was a quieter day in some ways. Talked to a couple of friends. A little phone time with Rick's dad. Spent a good part of the day writing. Remembering. Praying. And crying. Took a long hot shower, had a good talk with Rick - really felt his spirit with me. Went to the Recovery class at church with my daughter... and then we went out to Juan Pablo's with a group from Recovery - laughed and had a good supper. Came home and watched and LAUGHED with Chonda Pierce - oh my she is a funny Lady!
Today is another first. A quieter Saturday. Angel McCoy & I are going over to Dallas to get a phone screen replaced. Sounds like Pizza for lunch. Once we get home we are going to work on getting caught up on some of the laundry around here - Thank you Angela Reynolds for helping with the dryer!
I still find myself listening for Rick's call ... my mind and my heart say that either he is off on the truck and will soon be calling me to let me know where he is, or... that he is asleep somewhere and will soon be waking up needing/wanting something. So, it becomes a struggle within to keep telling myself that he isn't going to call, and he isn't going to come home. He doesn't "need" me any longer - He has Jesus in the fullness of LIFE.
God will carry us thru all of this grief and sorrow, and He will do it with tears and with laughter. Even if ... God is still God, and He is still good.
I love you Lord ...
and I love you Rick.
How do i say I LOVE YOU Ricky Lee McCoy??? A thousand memories. A million tears already. Do you still know how very fine you are and forever will be to me??? What a privilege and an honor to be your wife. I love you sweetheart! More today than i ever have. I know that you are in a better place. But this really SUCKS! I LOVE YOU! Please God, grant him to be my angel forever and always.
For the family and friends of Rick McCoy...
Visitation will be Saturday evening from 6 to 8 at Tapp Funeral Home. 216 Gilmer. Sulphur Springs, TX. 903 885 2233
A celebration of his life will be Sunday at 2. New Beginnings Church. 155 Jackson St. N. Sulphur Springs, TX
Thank you for your prayers, your phone calls, texts, your visits. ...
We all NEED you in this time. God is God...Even if.
Pray for our children - Angel McCoy Josh Mccoy Dessie Mccoy.
And for all those that Daddy claimed as his own.
Pray for our grandchildren.
And pray for me. I am facing a life unknown without my best friend.
I won't be speaking at my dads service simply because I just don't think I'll be able to form a word... But I do have some things to say so I wrote them here.
You were gone so suddenly that I didn't get to say anything, let alone goodbye. First of all I know you weren't always perfect but you are a great Daddy. You taught Josh and I so much by simply loving us, showing us, living day to day, praying and loving mama. You have the best sense of humor in the worl...d, and out of all the things I'm going to miss I'll miss your smile and laughter the most. I could list sweet memories and funny moments and words of wisdom all night long, but somehow I wish I had more. I wish I could go back somehow and memorize each thing you told me, each piece of advice, each funny story, each memory from your childhood you retold. I wish each bedtime prayer you said with me and each time you sang"Daddy's girl" and each time you shared with me what God had shown you and each time you walked Josh and I through putting on the whole armor was recorded and I could sit and watch and listen for hours if I wanted. My mind will have to do, and for all the memories I am so thankful! I am so grateful for the past few weeks here with you and mama. I'm grateful for the precious memories you've given my children of you in this time.
I guess what I most want to say is this: thank you. You're the best daddy I could've ever had, I am proud of you, and I LOVE you. No, you weren't perfect but you showed me the power of redemption. Yes, you made mistakes but you showed me it's OK to mess up as long as you learn, admit your wrong, ask forgiveness and move on. You and mama taught me about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and the Word. Your legacy is the faith that you and mama helped me to find, the love you have for each other and for us (and so many others) and of course... Laughter. I miss you Daddy.
Love for Always-
Your little girl, Mandy.
Joshua spoke at his daddy's memorial service. Talked about his daddy. Talked about his love for daddy. And he said that one day many years ago, he asked his daddy what daddy wanted said at his funeral. Rick's answer was simple - "Here lies an honest man." And because of the life that Rick lived for 55 years - Joshua was able with a pure heart, with simple words, and with all truth to say - "Here lies an honest man."
Then, Joshua said that he wanted to introduce everyone to someone who was there. Daddy's Boys ... and he called them, one by one, up on the stage with him. A line formed behind our son. A line of strong men. A small representation of Rick's life and his now legacy.
Daddy's boys ... not all of his boys were able to be there. Just want y'all to know that daddy loved you all with a passion. He believed in you. And he STILL does!!! So do I. I love you!
A tough day. I love you sweetheart! I miss you so much! I love you Rick!!! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
In just 3 short hours (yet how can they feel like a lifetime? )... we will celebrate the life, the faith, the passio, and the love of the greatest man i have ever known. My sweetheart. My soulmate. My best friend. The one true love of my life. The one who could make me mad with just a look. The one who could make me giggle uncontrollably. The one who held me when i was scared. The one who calmed me when i was angry. I love you Rick! I always have and i always will. I miss you with every breath. I know you are in a better place. But oh for one more day! I love you!
How do i say thank you to so many for so much? WOW Y'ALL!
You have prayed and called and come. You have messaged and texted. You have listened and laughed and cried. You have held me tight and let me cry.
You have brought food and plates, drinks and cups. You have donated monies. You have sent beautiful plants and flowers. Thank you. I don't have the words to say it...
THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU!
Rick was honored. He is a blessed man.
... He always lived by FAITH, PASSION, LOVE. Go forward now, press on and live a life that honors his memory and our Lord.
Know this...Rick loved you. And so do I!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here