Coffee Love
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me

Time and care ...

2/10/2022

0 Comments

 
Time gets away.
The hours tick minute by minute. 
My life ? 
There are hours that drag by, one slow heartbeat at a time. 
Then, there are hours that somehow grow wings and fly with such force that is scares me at times. 
Maybe it’s that way for all of us ... but lately, it seems either one extreme or the other for me. 
And it’s like I either get so many things accomplished that it amazes me - 
Or I am so far behind that I can only hang my head in shame and despair. 
Where is that middle ground that is more comfortable to walk upon? 

I got sick on January 1 ... and here on February 10 - I am still struggling with the lasting effects of bronchitis and sinus congestion. 
The fatigue has hit me hard as well. 
At times, taking what feels like ALL my strength and energy to just get up and walk across the room before needing a moment to catch my breath. 
To say that I don’t like this is probably the understatement of the year! 
Little by little though ... moment by moment ... better and better. 
I am determined to be better
To do better
To feel better. 
Not ready to give up yet
😉 

Work is still ... work. 
I love our Miss Lady with all my heart. 
Waiting to see who the next resident will be - hoping it will be a good friend for her. 
- I know that the isolation and loneliness wears on her.
She talks of memory times when her and friends would get together for a meal, or a game of cards.
I know she misses those times so much. 
With the weather being cold, as well as nasty some days, it’s hard for her to get out and about. 
The sun shining thru the windows gives an impression of warm and spring time ... but the reality is a brutal force of cold wind blowing more than not. 
I think sometimes that only deepens the loneliness and isolation. 
As well as watching out the window and seeing peoples walk on the sidewalks, or driving on the roads. 
All bringing memories to the surface of the mind and heart of days long ago ... and some days not so long ago as well. 
Or maybe ... that’s just me ? 

Working 48 - 72 hrs at a stretch, with no breaks in those hours, are getting to me more than I want them to. 
It’s a lonely job. 
It’s a job of isolation. 
Yes, we watch movies and TV shows
Yes, we talk and we laugh
Yes, we listen to stories from one another.
But ... there is a growing restlessness within me. 
Some on the days that I work ... but more on the off days. 
When I don’t work. 
When I sit here at the cottage - because so often when I am off, those that I would spend time with are working, busy with life schedules. 
Factor in the exhaustion from being sick ... and being a caregiver = the total lack of energy and motivation to get up, get dressed, and go find someone to hang out with, or even something to do. 

I know that caregiving is a much needed job. 
It is mostly a thankless job. 
Whether you are family or friend, or paid for the work. 
It takes more out than what is replaced. 
It means long hours, empty nights, tired bodies and exhausted emotions. 
You lose social contacts - even social media contacts
You basically give up all forms of a “normal” life
The rate of burn-out is high. 
And yes, I know that I am quickly approaching that burn-out phase. 
I have been caregiving most of my life. 

I started helping with Daddy and Momma when I was about 7 years old. 
- that was the first year I remember doing anything more than my child chores. 
Then, I married at 19. 
- and for almost 35 years, I was Rick’s caregiver ... as much as he was mine. 
- until the last 3 years of his life, when I became the 24/7 caregiver for him. 
2 kids who made me a Momma - caregiver 
Grandkids who came after those kids grew up and started their own families. 
Years of working in the churches as youth ministers, deacon’s wife, associate’s pastor’s wife, pastor’s wife. 
Many hours of caregiving going on in those years. 
Helping with my Momma as her health declined. 
Helping some with Rick’s family members in those years. 
After Rick died, I worked as a caregiver to a friend whose granddaughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. 
And then, now ... working in this position at a resident home. 
No regrets in giving of myself. 
No sorrow in being a 
caregiver all these years. 
The memories are held as treasures to my heart. 
The stories I could tell 
😉 ... I have, and I will yet more. 

However, 
As it has been said many times by many authorities - 
The caregivers suffer the most. 
We give up a lot
We lose more.
People, even our families and friends, do not understand our level of devotion and care. 
We hear that we do what we do for attention to ourselves
Or that we are nothing short of a martyr. 
We are told that if we would only walk away, someone else would step in and take care 
- perhaps they would ... 
- but what if they don’t? 
Just this week I read a story from CNN about a woman found sitting in her chair, 2 YEARS after she died. 
How does this happen? 
Because those in her life thought someone else was checking in on her, and promising themselves that they would soon.
Now, it is too late. 
I have always known that I could not take care of everyone ... but those I could, I would. 

But, we don’t take care of ourselves the way we should, while we are taking care of others - 
Time does not often allow us to take care of our own selves, especially when those that can - do not step up, and in, to help 
We put others always before ourselves 
We will not allow our care - be it family, friend, or paying client - to suffer, or to be neglected. 
We go without proper diet and nutrition
We go without proper activity - physical, mental and emotional 
We do not take enough steps away to really even rest. 
We let ourselves go - 
For the good of those that we care for. 
Or so it seems. 
What we don’t realize, until it is either too late - or almost too late, making us question our sanity, and our abilities - is that we are emptying ourselves out 
And if we don’t fill ourselves back up? 
We are going to be empty
Dry
Discouraged
frustrated
And basically, good for no one. 

It’s getting close to that time for me to step away, or at least step into a different form of caregiving. 

In all these years of my life - almost  61 now - I have poured myself out 
To my family
To friends
To a job
Seldom asking much for me
Rarely spending much time or money on me
- and when I do, knowing that guilt for doing so
While Rick was alive, he would step in at times and say “Enough, it’s time for YOU!” 
But in these years since Rick died, there is no one to take that step forward, 
No one to intervene
No one to intercede. 
So, here I sit, greatly feeling the heat of burn-out 
Smelling the fires 
Looking down and seeing some ashes about me. 

That time is now ... before it is too late
That time of me. 
That time for me. 
To give some intense care to me. 
I’ve been struggling with this idea and concept for the last 2 years, at least. 
Trying to do so more and more ... and yet, feeling like it is more fail than victory. 
You know, where you feel like you take 2 steps forward and like 100 back! 

I have been working on reading more - 
I used to be a voracious reader ... 
In the last couple of weeks, I have finished one book that I was struggling with reading for at least 3 months, and then read 2 more! 
Oh how I have missed reading! 
I am determined not to miss it any more!!! 
These 2 books that I have read, oh my! 
Not just a good story - 
But so much wisdom, clarity and insight that both of them gave to my heart and soul. 
Talk about confirmations!!! 
I will share more about that in coming blogs ;) 

Also watching movies that for the most part, I have seen many times before - 
But this time in watching them, 
Really WATCH them, 
LISTEN to the words that are said, 
PAY ATTENTION to more details. 
Again, I will share more about this in coming blogs ;) 

I am realizing that while there is a lot of  fight left in me, 
There is also a lot of love left in me. 
Dreams.
Hopes. 
Ideas.
Thoughts. 
And of course, there are the fears,
The worries
The inhibitions
The questions of can I do that? Can I be that? 
Should I? 

I keep hearing Reba’s song, Is There Life Out There. . 
I’ve done what I should
Should I do what I dare?
 

0 Comments

    So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ? 

    You can read it here

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Past Posts

    January 2023
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    October 2010

    RSS Feed

    Picture
Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy

​
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.

​
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God

Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.

Great grief is indicative of a great Love.

Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.
​
Picture
©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee 
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me