No excuses ... just life.

I know it’s been a while since I have written anything here. 
I could give a litany of reasons and / or excuses.
But will suffice it to say that I have not had the interest to do so.
Oh, the thought has been in the back of my mind, probably every day since I last wrote. 
3 months ago, today. 
However, the lack of desire, the lack of inspiration and encouragement ...
And me just allowing life to overwhelm me - 
Well, I haven’t written. 

Life is dark at times, and not just because the time changes.
Been going thru a lot of storms, struggles, stumblings and stresses. 
Very much feeling like failing tests I didn’t study for - because I didn’t know there was any lessons! 
Part of this time has been spent in a fog. 
A thick, pea-soup kind of fog. 
Where the motions of day to day life was about all I could handle. 
Breathing in
Breathing out
Just Breathing. 
Getting from one moment to the next and finding myself on the edge of exhaustion at all times of the days and nights. 
Sometimes, life is simply heavy. 
This has been one of those sometimes. 

I’ve spent some time feeling much like a failure, that I have let God down, disappointed Him beyond what I can say.
The song by Casting Crowns about getting from the altar to the door ... yeah, that one. 
And there have been times of feeling pretty much the same towards my kids and grandkids. 
That I have let them down. 
That I have disappointed them. 
That it is better for me to stay away than to be a burden to them. 
It’s hard to explain - 
But everything has taken more effort and energy than what I’ve actually had. 

Work. 
I love the ladies that I give care to, but ... work has become a burden of epic proportions. 
Not easy to admit to. 
Not something I want to admit. 
 But it is - as Rick would say - what it is. 
Work has been a crazy time of schedules not being regular. 
Doing the 24 hrs at a time, from 2-4 days in a row? 
That’s hard for this old woman that I am quickly becoming. 
As well as having worked at the other resident house for over a month. 
Doing my hardest to help the ladies deal with their health issues, while struggling with my own. 
 Feeling, more often than not, that I need to be in a resident house - as a client! 
 Instead of a caregiver.     
 Sigh. 
  
The kids and grandkids.
Time with my daughter has been non-existent since the first weekend in July. 
Her schedule, my schedule, and then my truck “issues” - where the truck was back in the shop, costing me $3000, and of course, leaving me short on fuel $$$ to make the travel to see her. 
Thankful for the messaging, for Facebook, for Snapchat. 
But ... there comes a time when all those things fall short on me, though, and I find myself needing some MOMMA time with her! 
Time with my son has been at best, spurts. 
A moment here or there - when he was bringing my truck back to me, or picking me up from leaving it at the shop yet again. 
A moment where they stopped by the cottage, or resident house. 
A moment here or there when my truck was working, that I drove out to their house - picking up a package or the mail, getting a quick hug or two. 
Again, thankful for those moments, as well as for a working phone - - but craving, yearning, NEEDING some MOMMA time!

The cottage.
I am thankful for a place to keep my things. 
I am thankful that it comes with the job, thereby saving me on rent and utilities.
However, the small size of it has really been pricking my mind and heart lately. 
- It’s basically a bedroom and a bathroom. No kitchen. No separate living area & bedroom area. 
  2 or 3 people in here and it is a full house! 
  It's a full house just with me - turning around twice! 
- so the thought of gathering with the kids and grandkids here? Out of the question. 
- I think because it is the holidays, I am already missing the cooking and baking. The frig being so small I do not have room to actually “buy groceries”, nor to even store groceries to take anywhere for the cooking there ... nor to keep leftovers, if I did figure out a way to cook! I only have a microwave and a toaster oven - so any “cooking” is out of the question anyway. 
But the reality of life in this cottage does not take away the aching and missing of cooking! 
Going thru a few things here and there at the cottage, what time I haven’t been working, or resting after working.
"STUFF” has lost a lot of meaning to me lately. 
It’s just fillers - taking up space, making the cottage not look so empty. 
And yet, it shocks me just how empty the cottage is - even with the “stuff”. 

The Holidays.
As the holidays approach, how is it that they seem to be coming faster this year? 
- And, how is it that these 7th holidays without Rick are hurting my heart just as much, perhaps even more, than the first holidays did? 
My schedule at work, as it sits now, has me working Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Eve, as well as New Year’s Day. 
- Maybe in some ways that will be better. Keep me busy thru those days - when families and friends are gathering ... and here I am alone. 
- Maybe with me working, it will allow someone else who has family and friends to spend it with them. 
- Doesn’t mean that I am excited about working all the holidays. 
I sit here and look around at this cottage and realize that even if I had a reason to put up a Christmas tree, there is no place for one. 
- What would be my reason to put one up this year anyway? 
Rambling thoughts about the holidays.
Bittersweet memories of years gone by - decorating, baking, shopping ... sigh.

So, yes, I have thought about writing a blog post.
But with all this heaviness and darkness upon me, and about me, it’s been a hard thing to do.
Even now.
I promised Rick that I would write.
Good days, or bad.
That I would be brutally honest.
That I would remain outside of my comfort zone with my writings.
Not going for warm fuzzies ... but for honesty. 

And that promise of honesty that I made to Rick - 
Is why I write these words today. 
After so long a time. 

God is Faithful. 
He never changes.
Life is heavy.
Darkness is thick. 
And I find that I am - 
Just breathing.
Breathing in
Breathing out
Wondering how this day will turn out
Wondering if life will ever be better than this. 
 

Not as much as I miss you. 
Just saying. 


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