This was written a couple of days before Christmas - early one morning when the insomnia was keeping me from sleeping, and the quietness of the house was almost more than I could stand ...
I sit here this morning and I think about Christmas. I think about the real meaning of Christmas. The celebration of the birth of our Jesus ... Saviour ... Lord ... Prince of Peace ... Emmanuel ... Jesus ...
And I think about what Christmas seems to be - more than the celebration of Jesus' birth and life ... a rushing about and worrying so - schedules full, check books empty, and credit cards maxed out. Now, don't get me wrong - we have had our share of those times ... and on some level what I would give to have that kind of Christmas this year.
But then again ... I think it is good to just slow down, do without, and find that REAL Christmas once again. It's not easy. Probably one of the hardest things EVER to do. It hurts. It is a struggle. And it is not fun. Sigh. But necessary at times I suppose. God has brought us to this place ... and surely, He will see us thru it!
To share a little of our Christmas with you ... Christmas past ... --WAY past ...
I grew up in a home where Daddy worked and Momma stayed at home. Daddy never made over $2.00 an hour, so we never had that much. Christmas time then began in January. Momma would buy one grandkid a present each month. Wrap it and put their name on it, put it in the quilt box under all the quilts. And many times she would quilt a quilt for the kids thru the year. Then, in October, we would clean out the deep-freeze. She would see how many fruitcakes she had left, and how many pecans we had put away that season. October began the time of baking ... fruitcakes and plum cakes. November was finishing up the cakes and beginning the pies. December was pies, pies, and more pies. People from near and far came to Momma to buy their Christmas cakes and pies.
Momma's Christmas dinner was ALWAYS the Saturday night before Christmas. We would put a tree up a day or so before that Saturday night. Decorate it as we could. Presents were taken out of the quilt box, bows were added, name tags were filled out, and they were stacked under the tree. Cakes and pies were taken out of the freezer and frig - set about to thaw. The ham was put in the oven the Friday before Christmas, and cooked all night long, and well into the day on Saturday. The family would begin to gather in early after lunch. We laughed, we played. And Momma would holler at anyone who got near the cakes and pies! LOL
After every one had eaten their fill of supper, the grandkids would all gather around the tree, sitting as close as they could. Someone - usually Gilbert or Bettie - would be Santa, and hand out the presents. When the grandkids had opened all their gifts, then Daddy and Momma got theirs. My presents were left under the tree so that I could have something to open on Christmas morning.
Daddy and Momma were never able to get me much ... and usually it was more along the lines of what I needed - shoes, socks, underwear. Perhaps a toy or two. Oranges and nuts.
As soon as the last present was opened on Christmas morning, Momma was ready for the tree to come down. She always said that the saddest sight to her was a Christmas tree with no presents under it.
--one year, there was no money. No money at all for presents. I was 12 years old. Daddy and Momma said that since there was no money, there was no need to put up a tree. We had always had a real tree, and daddy had been sick that fall so he didn't feel like going and cutting one anyway. Momma told the boys that we weren't going to have a tree - so they didn't go get one. I cried. That is a lonely, lonely, lonely feeling - to be 12 years old, and not to even have a Christmas tree. But ... there was an angel. Bill Cline, a family friend, a brother to me. He came by one afternoon and found me in tears. He asked, "Baby sister - what are all the tears for?" I told him that we weren't going to have a Christmas tree, because there were no presents to go under it. He said - oh I forgot to do something! Tell Momma I will be back in a little bit. OK ...
About an hour or so later, Bill came back. He got out of the car - called to me, and handed me a couple of sacks to take to the house. Then, he got this box out of the back of his car and brought it into the house. Opened it up, and put together the most beautiful artificial Christmas tree in the world! It was 5 ft. tall and had 150 tips! I loved that tree! We used that tree until I got married and left home at 19 ... and when I left home, that tree went with me. Rick and I used that same tree for years afterwards.
Christmas morning, there were presents under the tree. With me not knowing, he had given Momma $100 to buy Christmas. I still love Bill Cline for what he did for me that year - a sad and lonely 12 year old girl.
Christmas past ... with Rick ... We got married in September of 1980 ... I was excited to have my own home. I thought and planned on how to "do" Christmas, yes, even in September. Like I said - Christmas with Momma was a little all year long. So ... I baked ... I cooked ... I decorated ... the tree went up 2 weeks before Christmas. And on Christmas Day, I sat in front of the tree - ALL day, alone. Because Rick had to work. Oh he got holiday pay - 2 1/2 times. But ... it was the loneliest Christmas!
By the next Christmas, we had a little one. Mandy was born November 28. So that first Christmas with her was precious to this momma. Mostly spent rocking her and looking at the tree - thinking about all the Christmases to come as a family. Then, 16 months later, Joshua was born April 14. That Christmas was interesting! LOL Joshua saw the bright lights in the window - those big and old-fashioned Christmas lights ... and he decided to just take a bite of one! Oh my! A fast trip in cold weather to momma's so that I could call the hospital ... and then watch him closely for the next 48 hours. No blood showing ... no broken glass found in his mouth. But the grey hairs started!!! LOL
The Christmases of all those years are a flood of memories --The baking - cookies, cakes, pies, breads ... the cooking - hams and turkeys, veggies, casseroles ... the decorating - trees up, ornaments made and bought, tinsel thrown to the disapproving looks of daddy, garlands stretched, lights untangled and strung only to find that they don't work anymore ... presents bought and wrapped, and torn into ...
Some of those trees had lots and lots of presents under them ... for lots and lots of money. And some of those trees just didn't have so much ... But every year there was the anticipation of the kids ... and the waking daddy and momma up just moments after midnight because Santa had come!
When the kids grew up and moved away -- Rick and I had moved to Idaho for his work. Those were long and lonely Christmas seasons. To be so far from my kids ... and then when the grandkids came. It was hard then, and hard now, not to feel like life had cheated me out of the holidays. Oh I tried to make the best of the holidays. Still decorating the house (rv). Still baking a few things ... still cooking Christmas dinner. But oh so different.
Rick has never been a big Christmas fan. He respects the holiday - for what it is, a celebration of Jesus' birth. But for all the commercialization? No. And the older he has gotten, the more irritated he has become at it all. For all those years of the kids growing up at home - he didn't say much. He allowed me to "do" Christmas however I wanted to, as much as what we could afford each year. But now that the kids weren't at home, and we were far from the grandkids ... well, Christmas just kinda fizzled for us. We still watch some of the Christmas movies - Scrooge with Alistair Sims, It's a Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart. We still listen to some of the Christmas songs - but Rick still likes to wait until Christmas week for that. We will hang a few lights. Put up a small tree. Decorate a little.
Christmas present ... This year is one of the most difficult Christmases yet. This is a culmination of the last 2 years.
--2 years ago I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Had 2 surgeries. Was left with a good prognosis. But due to Obamacare, I have no health coverage at all. No way to go in for my check ups to make sure that I am still good.
--2 years ago Rick was hurt at work, had to have shoulder surgery ... and his kidney's failed sending him onto dialysis.
--Now, the accidental occupational insurance has stopped ... disability has started ... the realization that he will not work again has hit him hard these last few weeks.
And the learning to live on a disability check - with no other help or means of income ... difficult to say the least. Especially considering that our bills per month are greater than the disability check. And that isn't counting the cost of medications, nor the fuel in the car, nor the groceries for the table.
--Rick is really struggling with the feelings of failure. That he has somehow let me down. That he has somehow failed to provide for us. And no amount of my words or tears can convince him that I am still proud of him, that he is still a good man, a good husband. No amount of encouraging that God is our Provider.
--the pains of the injury, as well as of the disability, are ... what's the right word? Frustrating. Discouraging. Depressing.
--it's hard to see my husband going thru this valley. Hard to know that no matter what I say or do - he still struggles.
I listen to others talk about their worries in Christmas this year - finding that just right present for someone they love, having the money to pay all the Christmas bills after the holidays, making it to all the different functions and services ... And I sit here. Thinking. Remembering. Sad.
My worries this Christmas?
--Getting Rick's insulin.
--Getting the rest of his medications.
--Getting my medications - I have one more refill, and then I have to see a doctor to get them again.
--A toothache that has lasted for over 3 weeks now, and no money to go to the dentist - even for a round of antibiotics.
--An earache that I just cannot get rid of. 3 weeks and still going. Some days a little better - and then BAM! Back all over again.
--Wondering how I am going to pay all the bills next week, when I know that the bills are more than the check.
--do I have enough groceries to last from now until ??? Cause the bills are more than the disability check - which means no grocery money.
--will we have fuel to take us where we have to go? And the thought of staying home more and more because of no money for the fuel.
--we are out of propane. Need propane so that we can hot water to wash dishes and take showers.
--there will be no presents bought for the grandkids - and I know that is hard for them to understand. I wish I had the words to help make it easier for them. Hopefully one day they will understand - but I just pray not from experience! For I pray God's richest and best blessings on our kids and grandkids - that although they may never be rich, they will never again be "in need".
And then I think of those less-fortunate than we are.
--dads and moms with little ones at home, but with no money for presents or food. --dads and moms who have the money to give a good Christmas to their children, but with drinking and smoking and drugging - well, the children must do without.
--dads without the moms now.
--moms without the dads.
--dads and moms without the kids.
--kids without dad and mom.
--parents with children in the cancer hospitals.
--parents with children in the morgues, the funeral homes, the graves.
--families torn apart by violence, or tragedy.
Yes, I am thankful that as much as we are struggling, we are blessed.
--my husband, tho struggling, is still alive, and he is well enough to feel the pain. And he is by my side thru all this.
--our kids are healthy. For the most part they are happy. They are good kids. An honorable woman and man - yes, I am very proud of both of them!
--our grandkids are healthy. They may not think so at times, but they are so blessed, and they are such a blessing to this Grannee!
--we have much family ... and many friends.
--we are living at Coffee Creek RV park - surrounded by a lot of good and faithful friends, who do all that they can to not only help us, but to encourage and support us.
And when I think of these others ... when I hear a story on the news, or I read an article - I pray. I pray that the God of all comfort will wrap His strong arms around each person and love them to the Cross, love them to a better time.
And Christmas future ... I sit here this morning and I wonder what our Christmas to come will be ...Will Rick be here another year? Will the dialysis continue to work? Will he give up? Or will he go on? Will the cancer come back this year? Without being able to go to the doctor for check ups, will I even know? Will I have time to fight it if it does come back? Will there be a time that we will have a tree, with all the decorations, with food cooking in the oven, and the sound of laughter from our kids and grandkids ... again???
Only God knows what the Christmas to come will be ... God has promised that He has plans for us - Jeremiah 29:11 ... so for today, if only for today - I will trust Him. I will praise Him.
One day at a time Sweet Jesus ... just one day at a time!
So for this Christmas - Merry Christmas to us all ... and God bless us everyone!
Monday was more of a slow paced day.
I got up earlier than Rick - which is what I normally do. But today I spent time in prayer and reading the Word. Needing to find the assurance that no matter what the decision of the Social Security Administration was -- GOD is in control. And He IS!
No, I did not get disability ... and no I did not get SSI. One must have worked 5 of the last 10 years in order to even file for disability. And Rick makes too much for me to be qualified for SSI.
They no longer take into consideration the bills of the house ... only the number of people in the house, and the total home income.
So, once again ... we fall thru the cracks in the system.
Rick makes too much for me to qualify for help ... but he doesn't make enough for us to live.
The only other option at this point? File for caregiver status. File for Medicaid for health care. File for a waiver from the government saying that I just cannot afford health care.
I know that God is our Provider. And I know that God doesn't need all these programs to take care of us.
He fed the children of Israel for 40 years in the wilderness - manna from heaven.
God is the same today as He was then. He will take care of us.
Whether He chooses to use a program ... or one of His children ... or even someone who refuses to admit there is a God ...
GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF US!!!!!
He will either meet our needs ... or change our needs.
Once again, we are finding out that what appears to be a need, is not necessarily so.
Rick is fighting the discouragement and weariness of the struggle. He told me on Monday that he was "that" close to giving up. He said he is tired of the pain, tired of the struggle, tired of this world. Weary of not knowing how we are going to make it. His faith is wavering - because he is human. The enemy knows just where our weaknesses are ... and that is where he strikes the most, the hardest. Praying for my husband. That he will call on Jesus - and that Jesus will lift him up.
Dialysis is hard on the body ... it wears one down. Makes him weak and tired. And falling twice in the last 3 months hasn't helped any either. Sigh. But then, to be honest - sitting around, or laying around, hasn't helped. Hasn't worked the soreness and stiffness out. Hasn't helped to build or maintain muscle strength. Praying for my husband. That he will call on Jesus - and do what he needs to do. Do what he can do. And sometimes? That is simply breathing in and breathing out.
We went to the Post Office after my phone interview ... There was a check from the Social Security Administration. They are taking the money out of Rick's disability check to pay for Medicare - but the Kidney Fund is also paying for that. So, the Social Security Administration takes the money out of Rick's check each month, but then when they get a check from the Kidney Fund, they send Rick the money. However they want to work it out! It was just good to get that $300 yesterday!!!!!
--we were able to get Rick's insulin needles. ($9) He has been without insulin now for about 4 days.
--we were able to buy the stuff to make chicken and dressing for Wednesday night ($20) - MeMe's Christmas at Mandy's this year.
--we will be able to get the stuff to make baked beans, a green bean casserole, and a dessert for Saturday night's Christmas at Coffee Creek. Including buying 2 $10 gifts for the Chinese Christmas Exchange. ($25 for the food, and $20 for the gifts)
--Rick will be able to fill the car with gas on Thursday so that we can get back to Santo, TX. (about $40)
--when we get back, he will be able to get the propane tank and fill it. (about $35)
--and I should still be able to get Rick's insulin - IF the COBRA insurance has kicked in. Sigh. ($35 with the insurance, but over $700 without!)
It's not easy to live day to day in faith ... I once told Rick it would be a lot easier to live by faith if the money was in the bank! LOL
Back home. Fixed a pan of cornbread to go with the left over chicken stew. The cornbread was good, but the chicken stew - well, just not hitting the spot this time. Sigh. Oh well ...
Watched "Dances with Wolves" last night.
Bedtime again ...
Tuesday morning - up at 4 a.m.
Tending the fire ... it's 39* outside ... and this fire is NOT wanting to go! A few coals, but there isn't enough draw to have a fire. Sigh. One of "those" times ... makes me miss my electric fireplace even more!!! Sigh. Thanking God that we are not homeless. That we do have a roof over our heads, and walls about us. Thanking God for an electric heater in the bathroom - thank you Kent!!!!!
Spending time with the Lord - in my journal, and in His Word.
Chatted with my sister, Bettie, some. Going to call her today - need to hear her voice!
--did call her. Enjoyed the visit. I sat in front of the open fireplace while we talked - that was nice, felt like we were sitting there together around an open fire. Sigh.
We have some phone calls to make today. Praying for mercy and favor with those that we talk to.
--Rick made the phone calls today. He got a little stressed, but not too much. It's not easy to call your bills and tell them that we don't have the money to make payments right now. Sigh.
Going to have more COFFEE!!!!! Sigh.
I am going to cook my cornbread today for making chicken and dressing tomorrow. We are gathering in at Mandy's tomorrow night for Rick's mom's Christmas dinner. Looking forward to spending time with my daughter and grandchildren.
--got the cornbread made. Ate a few of the crunchies from around the outside. Thought about Momma ... thought about my sister Bettie - and remembered how that when we were together at Momma's when she was cooking her cornbread, Bettie and I would eat the crunchies while Momma fussed at us to be sure and not get anything BUT the crunchies! LOL
The rest of the day was just one of those so-so days ... kinda wandering thru this big old house - feeding the fire, playing with Cheri, not doing much of anything.
I finally "found" my recliner and my blanket. Sat down, covered up and dozed off. Felt good to just be still and be quiet.
We don't have TV service here, nor the Internet. So that is different, when you are so used to turning the TV on when the house is quiet, or sitting down in front of the computer when I have a minute.
The only "bad" part of the day?
I went out to the car around 4:30 p.m. to get the dialysis solution for the night. Had to make 2 trips. And I still needed to make a third trip to get some drinks for the night.
Rick decided to get the drinks - thank you. But he started out the door in just his shorts. I told him it was cold outside, with a north wind blowing, and that he didn't need to go out there without either a shirt or a coat on. Oh my word! Believe me - I have wished I had just let him go!
Now, in my defense - I was only caring about him, didn't want him to get cold, didn't want him to get sick. But -- that's certainly not how it came across to him! Oh my!
He got so angry!!! Angry that he couldn't do what he wanted, like he wanted, when he wanted! That he had to wait until someone TOLD him what he could do, when he could do it, and how he could do it. ??? I was caught totally off guard! There was NO warning whatsoever that he was "on the edge". Sigh. (Usually I have some kind of warning, and I kinda know when to pull back, or what to say, what to do ...) Anyway, he went out and got the drinks. Came back in. He was angry enough that it concerned me for his blood pressure - but I dare not say a word at this point. I just watched him closely. He ranted and he raved a while. I tried to talk to him - but he wasn't listening, so I shut up.
And then ... sigh. There is an old saying - that sometimes the only way to fight a fire, is with fire. Well -- I have learned that there are times that the only way to calm him down from one of these outbursts is with an outburst of my own. So ... not proud of it ... don't like to do it that way. But I did. I got carried away on a rant and rave of my own - not one directed at him in any way, just something in our life. He sat there and listened to me, watched me pace the floor while I ranted and raved. And then ... "Calm down! just shut up!" And I did - since the whole outburst was to calm him down, it wasn't hard for me to just shut up. Sigh.
The rest of the evening was spent mostly in silence between us. Just a word here and there. We went up to Jimmy and Mary Lou's for supper - a sandwich - and a visit. Came back here around 7. Watched "Tombstone". Went to bed around 9:30 -- or at least Rick did.
For me ... this was my Facebook post -- "How dark the night, how deep the loneliness ... especially after a hopeful morning, that is sadly followed by a bad afternoon and evening. And rather than being able to lie down and sleep into forgetfulness, the insomnia makes the darkness darker and the loneliness lonelier. Humph, how's that for "good night"? sigh. Sounds like coffee and prayer time to me! (Yes, I am talking to myself AND answering myself. Reread this post and you will understand. LOL)
I didn't have coffee ... I tried to pray - ended up just sitting in the comfortable chair on a heating pad and just being quiet, letting Jesus pray for me.
Finally dozed off - slept in the chair until 2:45 a.m. Got up, laid down. Stayed in bed until a few minutes after 6 this morning.
I am slowly (oh so slowly) learning that good days have bad moments ... and bad days have good moments. That's just the way of life ...
And life for a dialysis patient and wife? Well sometimes it is enlarged and amplified. Sigh.
Wednesday ... the morning we spent getting ready to leave so that we could be at Dr Greenwell and the Dialysis Center on time. Quite a feat -- LOL!
Rick took a shower - and that always tires him out, but especially in that claw foot bathtub! He doesn't feel as secure on his feet as he used to. (He ISN'T as secure on his feet as he used to be!) So, just the climbing in and out of the tub is nerve-wracking! We both worry about him falling. He worries about the pain of falling, and the problems he has with getting over a fall. I worry about that, too - but I worry about how in the world would I get the man up??? I cannot handle him! Lord, please - protect him now and always.
I took a shower - enjoyed the longer shower. Been taking the RV showers ... and I thank God for the hot water in the RV - but it is nice ever so often to take a longer and hotter shower.
I made the chicken and dressing to take to Mandy's for MeMe's Christmas dinner.
We left the house just a little early - went to Mandy's, checked on the turkey, dropped off the chicken and dressing. She said that she would put it in the oven around 5 if I wasn't back.
Made a quick trip to Paris. Got the dialysis center just a couple minutes after 1:30 ... still had to wait! LOL Rick had lost down to 262. A month ago he was at 281 - so, he has dropped the 20 pounds of fluid! Praise the Lord!!!!!
Nurses had a hard time finding a vein for the iron therapy - finally did. Rick HATES to get the iron - he says it hurts. And he has to sit so perfectly still while they are doing it - and it makes him feel trapped.
We had a good long visit with the Lisa, his nurse, and with Dr. Greenwell. A couple of changes -- Dr. Greenwell is concerned about Rick's blood pressure. He thought maybe it was higher due to the fluid overload - but it hasn't come down. So, another blood pressure medication has been added. Amlodopine. 10 mg at night. I hope it works good, and doesn't lower it too much. But I would like to see numbers below 140/90 for a while! At the clinic it was 212/109! Sigh. We all know that Rick has "white coat syndrome" - but even that is too high!
And Dr. Greenwell wants to see lower blood sugar numbers. His average lately has been around 300. Way too high even for using the higher number solution for dialysis. So, rather than add an oral medication back - Dr. Greenwell wants to try Humalog, the combined insulin, a long-lasting and a meal-time. Given 30 minutes before breakfast, and 30 minutes before the last meal of the day.
Rick was not happy with the visit. He doesn't like change - never has. But since being a dialysis patient, oh my! The dislike for change has increased a hundred-fold!!! Which makes it hard for all of us. We try to just pray our way thru it all. Thank God for a Christian nurse, and a Christian doctor!!!
We made it to Mandy's that evening around 5:30 ... we weren't the first ones to arrive, but not the last either. So good to see everybody again - to hug and to laugh. Jimmy and Mary Lou. David and Tina. Aaron, Crystal, Sumer, Kayleigh. Greg and Haley. Mandy, Elijah and Brooklyn.
Mandy did an EXCELLENT job with the whole night! She had moved 4 tables into her living room so we were able to all sit around the table, talk, laugh, and EAT!
Oh my! The food!!!!! Turkey. Chicken and dressing. Cranberry sauce. Green bean casserole. Potato casserole. Chicken, broccoli, rice casserole. Baked beans. Corn. Mashed potatoes. English pea salad. Pink salad. Hot rolls. Buttermilk pies. Lemon cake. Strawberry cake. Pumpkin cheesecake (Mandy's creation - oh my! Good!!!!!) More food than what we could eat! We were all STUFFED!!! After supper, while we were putting the food away - we were all groaning and moaning, complaining about our tummies being so full! LOL
Such a good time!
Thursday was spent packing and loading the car.
One last visit with Jimmy and Mary Lou.
One last stop at the Post Office - a Christmas card from my cousin, Johnny. With a check for $150! Thank you God. Thank you Johnny!
Rick decided to take the southern way back to Santo. Why? I don't know ... the last time we took it, he told me - "Remind me that I don't want to EVER come this way again". But if you are married, you know that trying to tell a man which way to go - well, just not the best of days. So, I shut up ... and I drive. Trusting the Lord. Thru Emory, Canton, Athens, Corsicana, Hillsboro, Meridian, Hico, Stephenville. Not a bad trip (per se). It had been a while since we had been that way. Had it not been for trying not to stress over the time (cause I needed to get to Walmart before Dr. Greenwell left the office) ... it would have been better. I really tried to just chill out and drive ...
Dropped everything at the house. Turned the heaters on.
Mad dash to the Walmart pharmacy. Dr. Greenwell had changed Rick's insulin - from the Lantus Solostar ($35 a month with the insurance) to Humalog. When we got ready to pick up the Humalog, it was $70 with the insurance! WHAT? WHY? The pharmacy tech could not tell me why. Said there was nothing she could do - that we would need to talk with the insurance. So, all I knew to do was to fill the Lantus Solostar.
--the Lantus was working pretty good. At least there were more mornings below 150 - those mornings when Rick didn't have to take a shot. His A1C has been creeping up the last couple of times. But in the last 4 months, Rick has done less and less, more and more. So, is it that the Lantus is not working anymore, and Rick needs another insulin? Or is it that he is eating more sweets, and has less activity? I don' t know. But we couldn't afford the Humalog.
--I will be calling Blue Cross/Blue Shield to see why Rick's prescription card says for the co-pays $20/$35/$50 ... doesn't say a word about $70. Sigh.
--I will also be calling Dr. Greenwell and telling him that we cannot afford $70 a month - see if there is a program that Rick can be on to help.
I was able to get all of Rick's meds and mine (even tho I have only this refill on two of mine, I will have to see a doctor before getting them again) - the cost was $110. Thank you Johnny! God bless you many times over and above! I love you!!!!!
Whew! What a day!!! I was so keyed up by the time bedtime came around, I didn't sleep or rest much.
But we are back at Coffee Creek ... in our rv ... so, this trip to Sulphur Springs is DONE.
And here it is - December 27, 2014 ...2 weeks after the last post. No, I didn't fall off the face of this planet, although I did think about it a time or two! Whew!
Not so much Christmas stuff as just LIFE happens. Sigh.
We went to Sulphur Springs for family Christmas togethers, and Rick's doctor appointment at the dialysis unit. Got back here after 5 days gone ... and our Internet was not working. No amount of troubleshooting would make it better ... finally called Dish Internet on the 23rd. They sent a tech out on Christmas Eve. He couldn't figure out the problem. Modem was fine. Router was fine. Wiring was fine. My computer was fine. ???
He went back outside, stood there looking at the dish ... and it dawned on him. The dish was off the satellite just a point or two, but even that didn't fix the problem. It was that someone had backed into the arm of the dish, and caved it! He didn't see it until he was standing on the side of the dish looking at it. The arm was caved into a "V". He replaced that ... and I have INTERNET!!!!! LOL!!!!!
With that being said - I have some past posts that I was writing on the computer while I didn't have Internet. So, I am going to post them as a catch-up ...
This was written on Saturday, December 13 ...
Thank you Kent for helping us to load the car on Saturday! Wow! I was dreading that task ... and you made it so easy, so quick! Thank you!
Thank you Miss Glenda for coming over, for your help, for your love. You are so precious to me! I cannot imagine my life without your friendship and love! Thank you!
We left Coffee Creek and went thru Granbury. Stopped at the H-E-B. We had found a reloadable card from there in Rick's wallet - called, and we had $15 on it. Doesn't sound like much - but it was a God-send to us! We haven't been this without money since 2008 - when the company Rick was working for crashed. So, anyway - we went by H-E-B, and I bought the stuff to make a pot of chicken stew for the Walker Christmas lunch today. It costs $15 to make a pot! LOL - ain't God good?!?
I drove on to Benbrook - didn't know for sure where I was. I am fine in heavy traffic on the roads, if I know for sure what lane I need to be in 1/2 mile up the road from where I am at that moment. But, if I don't know for sure - panic sets in. By the time we had stopped at the McDonald's in Benbrook, for a potty break - my stomach and my head were screaming at me! I was shaking so hard I had to sit in the car a few minutes before I could get out! Good grief! After the potty break - Rick said he would drive. Fine with me! I sat down, buckled up and prepared to help him find the signs to where we were, and where we needed to go.
He pulled out of the parking lot ... turned left ... and BAM! There was the sign for I-20! At that point, I knew exactly where I was, and where I needed to be to get where I needed to go! LOL ... I know that God was smiling! LOL Well, probably Laughing Out Loud, too!
On the road East now ... thru all the Ft. Worth and Dallas traffic. Safe and sound ... Thank you Lord!
We stopped in Greenville at the Family Christian Bookstore. I LOVE that place! I think I could LIVE there! Bought me a 2015 planner. It is smaller than the one I had, and smaller than what I have been using. I hope it works PERFECTLY! I know that most people use their phones, tablets and computers ... but I still like the hand held, hand written, planners.
Made it to Sulphur Springs, or the house - 7 miles east. Got everything unloaded - Rick and I working hard to get it done before dark. Rick built a fire in the fireplace. The house wasn't "cold" - but certainly had a chill. It was 60*. Not comfortable to him as a dialysis patient - he seems to be most comfortable at 70*-75*. And certainly not comfortable to this body of mine. I am most comfortable at 75*-80*.
Thank you Mandy and Elijah for bringing in the wood! It was so good to come in and find both wood boxes full! Just WOW! Thank you sweetheart! I LOVE YOU!!!
After he got the fire going, we went up to his dad and mom's - to visit. She fixed us a hamburger - it was good. And we sat there for a little over an hour visiting with them. Laughing and talking. It was good.
Came back here to the house. Rick argued with the fire a little. I sat the cycler up. And then, we watched an old movie - one of Rick's absolute favorites ... "O Brother Where Art Thou?" We laughed ... it was good. I worked on finishing up this year's filing - and I did! I finished! Oh that feels so good! To know that it is all in order for the year! And the small file box is ready for 2015! Whew!!!
--and that was the first day ... Thank you God for keeping us safe. Thank you God for the better day with Rick. It had been such a ROUGH week - it was nice to have a quieter, better day. Thank you God.
This was from Sunday, December 14 ...
Slept about 5 hours last night ... hard sleeping! Got up at 5 this morning. Sat on a heating pad for about 30 minutes. Wrote in my journal - spending those precious quiet minutes with the Lord. Got the stew started ... and now waiting on the cycler to finish up, so that we can unhook Rick.
Going to be cooking the chicken stew this morning, and making a peach cobbler.
Chicken stew cooked ... not as good this time as usual. It's hard to keep 2 houses stocked and ready -- especially when money is so short. Sigh. Oh well -- not that it isn't good, just not as good as usual to Rick and me. I didn't have my garlic, onion, and cilantro mix.
The peach cobbler turned out really, really, good! I think it was the best one I have made yet with this "new" recipe.
The Walker Christmas ...
It was good to see everyone. The laughs, the hugs, the fellowship. And oh the FOOD!!! My word! If you came and left hungry - well, that was your own fault! There was enough food for an army!!!!!
Uncle Carry was there ... he's had a couple of falls lately, and we were told that his pacemaker is not acting right? I have always loved Uncle Carry ... he never treated me like I was just married into the family.
Aunt Jody was there ... she looks just as pretty as always. She's had a stroke, and is having some residual effects from that. Said that she is having a hard time swallowing on one side of her throat, still has some paralysis.
Uncle Lonnie and Aunt Cathey were there ... they look good. Rick was giving Uncle Lonnie a hard time about his hat - LOL.
Uncle Bill and Aunt Jerry were there ... we had a good visit with them while we ate lunch.
Jimmy and Mary Lou came ... I'm glad for the time that she got to spend with her family.
Roy Lee and his precious wife ...
Teresa ... Diane - oh the desserts! Oh my! Thank you again for that wonderful coconut cake! Made me smile, thinking about my momma and her coconut cakes for me ... Edie ... Jay ...
Jason & Samantha - precious boys that you share with us all ... Amy ...
Vince and Lou Ann ... Gayle ... Matthew and Zandra ...
David and Tina ... Aaron and the girls ...
And there were some there that I didn't recognize - kids of the grandkids ... growing up so fast.
The hugs from "my boys" were some of the sweetest - Jason, Jay, Matthew, Aaron ... the only thing more perfect, would have been if Joshua had been able to be there!
We had chicken stew ... chili ... sandwiches ... bbq little smokies ... pico de gallo and chips ... a vegetable tray ... cheeses of all kinds ... turkey ... red beans and cornbread ... a chicken taco casserole ... a table FULL of good food!!!
And then, the desserts! Oh my! We all took turns just standing there looking at the dessert table - mouths watering, oohing and ahhing over everything! LOL ... coconut cake ... candies of all kinds ... buttermilk pies ... cherry pies ... peach cobbler ... cookies of every description ... cupcakes ... pies, pies and more pies ... Oh my! I think we all gained 10 pounds just LOOKING!!!
We all missed the ones who couldn't be with us --
Uncle Roger and Aunt Gloria ... Al and Christine ... the grandkids ... the great-grandkids ... Aunt Jeney ...
And we especially missed those that are now our "angels" on high --
Uncle Toyce ... I know that everyone misses you, but I miss you, too! I miss your hugs!
Uncle Rex and Aunt Joy ...
Uncle Cleo and Aunt Vi ...
Uncle LC and Aunt Helen ...
Uncle Art ...
Aunt Lois ... Aunt Lois, you would be proud of Diane! She made the candies this year. Made us all smile remembering you ... and made her cry when so many told her that she reminded them of you.
Came back here after the Christmas lunch ... Rick took a nap ... I wrote a little in my journal.
I was tired. Sat down in my recliner, put my feet about half-way up. Promptly dozed off.
Woke up to the phone ringing. My cousin, Johnny.
It was good to talk with him. I wish I had been more awake and alert. Seemed like I had the hardest time keeping my eyes open! But it was good to hear from him.
--praying for Steve (Johnny's brother). Had a motorcycle accident in September - broke his back in 2 places.
--praying for David (Johnny's nephew). A deer stand collapsed with him last week. His knee is shattered. A whole knee replacement is the only answer.
Rick got up from his nap. We went up to Jimmy and Mary Lou's for supper and to visit.
Came back here and watched "The Quiet Man". Bedtime. Yawn ...
A busy day for today.
We are leaving here, Coffee Creek, this afternoon going to Sulphur Springs. Means I need to pack and load the car ... and get this house ready to leave.
Walker Christmas is tomorrow at the Pickton Community Center. Good food, lots of hugs, laughter, memories. I am supposed to fix chicken stew and a dessert.
Monday is my phone interview with the Social Security board - applying for disability/SSI. (Praying for favor ... )
Tuesday is just a day of hopefully REST.
Wednesday is Rick's appointment with the dialysis center, and with Dr. Greenwell.
Wednesday night is Rick's mom's Christmas at Mandy's house. Mandy had asked me to fix the chicken and dressing.
And then, Thursday we come back to Coffee Creek.
Saturday night is our Coffee Creek Christmas. More good food, more lots of hugs, laughter, and precious memories. The park is furnishing 2 hams. Glenda is bringing fried chicken. Everyone else is bringing the sides. I am supposed to fix baked beans, a green bean casserole, and a dessert.
Whew! Reading back over this - it's more than a busy DAY! LOL
Rick is doing better physically from his fall a week ago. Still sore - his main complaint now is his back. I wonder how much of the soreness in his back is from actually falling, and how much has to do with him laying around so much, and sitting in that straight back chair at the kitchen table for hours on end. Sigh.
I have asked him every day if he wanted to go to the hospital, have the ER check him out. Or if he wanted me to call Dr. Greenwell. On every question - NO! Emphatically NO!!!!!
I love the man! With all my heart, I love him. (Just reminding myself ... sigh.)
I'm learning to lean on the Lord, more and more.
God never changes. He is always the same - yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. HE never changes! In a world that changes moment by moment - I am so thankful for the stability He gives in my mind, in my heart, and in my life.
Not sure how much I will be able to write these next few days. No Internet service at the old house now. I will have my phone, and my tablet - but it isn't as easy from either of those. I will try tho. :) ...
Thank you to all who come here and read this. I checked the stats for this website this morning - just before 9 a.m. - and it showed that there had already been over 1,000 views just this morning! Wow! I am blown away!!!
I pray that if you are one of those, that God will touch your heart in some small way thru these words. Words that are just a glimpse into the life we are living. Good, bad, ugly and indifferent.
God bless you and yours!
Thank you! I love you - praying for you.
Rick is doing a little better since his fall a week ago today. *He is still sore and stiff. *But his left hand/wrist/arm is not as swollen as it was, not as stiff as it was. He is able to use it a little at a time. *The area between his right collarbone and his right underarm is still very sore - even to the touch. He says that it is like a dull ache all the time, but when he coughs, laughs, sneezes, hiccups, it HURTS. *There are still no bruises showing up from the fall. *His main complaint now is with his back hurting. I'm sure that in falling that hard, his back twisted. But for all the time he has been sitting this past week ... well, that hasn't helped either. Especially since he has been sitting in a straight back kitchen chair. The couch is too low for him to get down to, or up off of.
Which brings me to a prayer request ... (1) We need a porch for the RV. Not a large one, not an expensive one. Just one that will come to the bottom of the door, allowing Rick to actually get outside without having to step down these small RV steps. We would like to have a ramp on the side, rather than steps. Just because he has a much easier time negotiating a ramp than using the steps. Estimated cost would be around $300 - which is so far out of our pocketbook now, that we cannot even consider it. But I pray. God knows what we need, He knows what is best. Would you pray with me???
(2) We would like to have the couch taken out of the RV and put 2 recliners in here. That would give Rick a more comfortable place to sit and rest. This straight back kitchen chair is not very conducive to a comfortable position. And when it hurts to lay in bed - sigh.
The kids and friends would help us get the couch out and the recliners in. Again, only God can provide this! Would you pray with us? And pray for us?
Joshua called me yesterday afternoon around 1 p.m. He asked if there was anyway for us to go over to the house and meet the kids off the bus. He said that he and Dessie were in Abilene meeting with Santa :) ... and didn't know if they would be finished in time to get back for the bus. Of course!
Gave us a good excuse to get out of the house - Thank you Lord!
And gave us a good reason to get to see Joshua, Dessie, Shell and Kyla. Thank you God!!! d
We didn't get to stay long - Rick got tired. And since he is the one to drive at night - because I don't see very good in the dark - we left there around 8 p.m. I sure didn't want to! I miss the lazy times together ... just to talk, share and laugh. The times to play a card game. The times to just be still together. I miss those!!!!!
We will be leaving Coffee Creek either Saturday or Sunday - going to Sulphur Springs. Rick's mom's family - the Walkers - are having Christmas at the Pickton Community Center on Sunday. Potluck dinner ... Come hungry!!!!!
Then, on Wednesday afternoon - Dr. Greenwell and the dialysis nurses over at Paris. Will you pray for Rick, that he will get a good and excellent report? He really could use some good news!!!!!
Wednesday night will be Rick's mom's Christmas at our daughter's house. This will be our first family time together with her there. Looking forward to the time with her, Brooke, and Elijah - and with the rest of the family.
We will return to Coffee Creek on Thursday.
And because we are going to be gone 4 days next week - we are working every day this week, banking our 2 days off this week to be used next week.
And then, Saturday night at the Texas Star, here in Coffee Creek ... Merry Christmas party! Good food, lots of laughs, sweet fellowship, awesome hugs!
The park is furnishing 2 hams ... we are all bringing the sides and desserts.
We will have a Chinese Christmas after eating. Everyone is to bring a $10 gift. Then, we will take turns either getting a gift from under the tree, or taking from someone else. LOL
Looking forward to this with our extended family!
Sigh. Well, if Saturday was a BAD day ... Sunday was the WORST.
It could have been a lazy, restful, day ... but it wasn't.
Words that led to more words ... frustrations that overwhelmed us both.
I guess it was just one of those "pop-off" days ... when the stress of everything got to us both and since we are each other's "onlies" and there is a margin of safety with one another ... well ... NOT a good day at all.
The best part of Sunday? It is over. Sigh. Sad ... but it is the truth!
With God's help and guidance -
Today I will praise Him.
Today I will count my blessings, one by one.
Today I will work towards being that "woman without words" - I Peter 3.
Today I will just breathe in ... and breathe out.
Storms and rainbows. One follows the other.
Yes, I feel worn from the weekend. But God is greater in me. His Word is true - and so today, I will see the power of His word - that when I am weak, HE is strong.
When you pray today (and this week) say a prayer for us. That we will know God's wisdom and direction for our lives.
*We are needing to have some conversations - with one another, and with others - that will not be easy this week. Decisions that will need to be talked about, and made. Decisions that will be difficult to make ... but we do desire a better life - the best that God has for us.
*There is a possibility of me losing my phone. We will still have Rick's phone, or we will have to get just a simple one. Right now, we are with Sprint. We have a good plan - unlimited on my phone. And I USE it! LOL. But the cost seems to be going up every month. And now, with us just being on Rick's disability check - we cannot afford it. Besides, my phone is messing up again. Already had to pay $100 to replace it. My contract isn't up until March of 2015. I don't have the money to replace it now. ???
*There is also a possibility of me losing my Internet service. We are with Dish - for our TV and our Internet. Yes, the Internet is an outlet for me ... and I really, really, really don't want to lose it. But there again - monthly costs. We are going to talk with Dish, and if they will work with us on a better plan ... sigh. Our contract is up within 3 months - and I have been told to talk with their Loyalty Department. ???
*I may lose this computer. I have only had it for just a little over a month. I have another computer - but it does not work. I cannot even keep it going long enough to pull my journal and family pictures out of it. (Another prayer request please! And if you have any ideas of how to do this - PLEASE!!!) The cost of this computer, financed, is not a bad price - but just trying to meet that price each month now ... I don't know. Sigh. I will need to talk to the company where it is financed. ???
*If I lose the computer ... and I lose the Internet ... well ... this website will go down, or at least go dormant. The website itself is paid for until May of 2015 (I think). But without a computer, and without the Internet, there will be no way for me to write, or work on it. ???
*Our bills need to come down so that we can buy Rick's meds (and mine). He is also supposed to eat 4 times the amount of protein as anyone else. The dietician pushes constantly for him to eat MEAT! I asked her if there were any programs that helped me to buy the MEAT. No there isn't. It's hard enough for him to eat the meat that he needs - but he sure can't if I cannot buy it. His protein levels have dropped from 4.0 to 3.5 - a MAJOR drop! This means that he cannot fight infections as well, neither can his body heal the way it should from falls. Sigh. Pray for him please. And pray for me to know how to get these bills down and paid, as well as get his meds bought, and the food he is supposed to eat.
God is faithful to His promises. He has promised to meet all our needs according to His riches in glory thru Christ Jesus. It's just that sometimes what we look at as "needs" He doesn't.
2:09 p.m. --
Dear God in heaven. Our Father in heaven. I come to you, crying out to you - just as I am.
Search me O God and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. Examine me and know me.
I have sinned against you and fallen short of your glory. I cannot say with all certainty that I know everything I have done or said wrong, or what I haven't done or said right. There is so much confusion and second guessing going on in my mind and in my heart today.
God, I have never walked this way before ... and I am afraid. Is fear wrong? I know that you have said 365 times in Your Word - "Do not fear" ... so fear must be wrong??? I am sorry to be so afraid - especially when I have read your Word, and I know You. I am sorry.
God, my heart is breaking. My spirit feels crushed to no joy, no peace, and very little life.
It's just been a really, really, really BAD day - with Rick and me.
I am sorry. I wish sorry would fix everything. I wish "sorry" fixed it all when I say it to you ... or when Rick says it to me. But sadly, "sorry" doesn't fix anything. It doesn't make the bad things go away, or be like the words were never spoken.
And even your Word says that "love and faithfulness covers a multitude of sins" - not just "I'm sorry".
"I'm sorry" that Rick fell the other night ... he is sorry that he fell -- why does he still hurt? Why is he still in misery with the pain and the soreness? Didn't we both say "I'm sorry"? Didn't we both mean it with all of our heart and soul???
We did. But "I'm sorry" just doesn't fix the hurt. Those are words of compassion and care. Words of comfort - usually more comfort to the one who says them, than to the ones they are said to.
And yet, I come here to you and I say "I'm sorry". Hoping that it fixes all the brokenness between you and me. It doesn't.
Thank you for the Blood of Jesus that DOES fix the brokenness between you and me. Nothing but the Blood of Jesus.
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow ... nothing but the Blood of Jesus! God, all my hope and prayer rests in the Blood of Jesus, and on your promises. Please, God, forgive me of my sins. Cleanse me from all my impurities, and from all unrighteousness. Take all my sins away - as far as the east is from the west. Wash me - O God. Wash me - my hands and my heart, my mind and my mouth, my life and all there is to me. Make me whiter than snow - because of the Blood of Jesus. Forgive me O God. Forgive me. Please.
O God - our Father in heaven! Heal the brokenness between you and me.
Open wide your arms of love and grace. Bid me come. I run! Fall at your feet! Abba Father! Gather me into your arms. Hold me there. Hold me still and quiet.
Let me listen to your voice as you sing over me - that Daddy's lullaby. Let me feel you breathe ... hear your heartbeat. Let me just know your Presence, your Embrace, your Essence. O God - just to be still and KNOW You.
Father God - show me repentance. I know that I repent to You. What do I repent from? When there are so many second guesses, when there is so much confusion. What is it that I am repenting FROM? What are the wicked ways that I turn from? Show me Your path of righteousness clearly - even if just one step at a time. Please O God.
And please God - help me with forgiveness.
--To forgive myself - because you already have, and I am not greater than you, my Master, my Teacher. You have forgiven me, who am I to say I cannot, or I will not forgive myself?
--To forgive all others - knowing that more times than not, they do not know what they do. They do not realize the hurt they cause by their words or their actions, nor by their lack of words, or inaction. God, many times the hurt is because of my own preconceived ideas of what life with others should be - and my own disappointments when they don't measure up to my cookie cutters. Help me to just lay it all down before you now. Take my hands off - surrender. And trust YOU.
--To forgive Rick -- more than not, it is the hardest point of forgiveness. Because I have trusted him so completely and with abandon for all these years, and it feels very much like he has stomped on that trust. Not because he has been unfaithful to me - he never has been. But because he has pulled away from me, locking himself into a discouragement and depression - and locking me out. God, we are divided - and by no choice of mine, by no option that I was given. Yes, life has happened - the good, the bad, the ugly. But we are divided. And even your Word says that "a house divided cannot stand". Rick shuts me out - he was just shutting me out when he slept, and now? He shuts me out when he is not in bed asleep. In a hundred little and big ways thru the day and evening and into the night. He shuts me out. After 34 years of faithful marriage - him to me, and me to him. He shuts me out. It's not fair God! It's not right! And it hurts ... more than I can describe to you with these mere words, more than the tears streaming down my face at this moment - it hurts God. I love him with all my heart! I married him for sickness and health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part. I married him for LIFE. But this hurts God. This hurts. God, this is more than I can bear! This is more than I can fix! There aren't enough tears to fix this. There aren't enough words. There is no argument I can make - to you, or to him. God, if you don't intervene and change hearts and minds and lives - then, God, I don't know what to do. But I think it starts with me forgiving him. And honestly? I don't know how. It hurts so much God. And it isn't something that I can touch, or see, or taste. I feel it. I hear it. But how do I just lay it down? How do I leave it? When I live it? O God - show me your way thru all this. Please.
Father God -- I have spent hours upon days and nights sitting here writing out my thoughts, my feelings, my prayers. Good and bad. I have shared some with others - either in conversation, or on my website/blog and on Facebook. But never have I laid all the cards on the table. Out of respect for Rick ... out of fear to dishonor him. In one form or another it seems that I skirt this way and that, touching on the bad on occasion - but in a way that it isn't presented as bad as it is in real life. I haven't wanted our kids and grandkids to ever know all this ... at least not until after we are both gone and they have found these journal pages and care to read thru them. I haven't wanted others in family and friends to know all this ... because I know how much they love and respect and regard Rick. He is a good and honorable man. He should have the respect, the honor, the praises of those in the city gates.
But God -- how much of the negative and bad and heartache do I bear alone? I have tried God ... for all these years - and it began well before the dialysis and shoulder disability. And when it has overwhelmed me enough that others have seen or heard, then the guilt nearly eats me alive! (Just like now. Glenda called - and she heard the tears, she heard. And she cares. Cared enough to offer me comfort and hope. Cared enough to listen. Cared enough to talk with me. But now, the guilt. And the realization that I shared with her, but I didn't either. So there is guilt in what I said, but just as much guilt in what I didn't say. Sigh.)
Rick is a faithful husband. A caring daddy. A loving p-paw. But he is a man. First and foremost. He is a man. A good man. But a man.
And I am a woman.
Just a question God - how in this world do we "go and live in peace"? When we are so very different from one another?
And another question - now that I have spoiled him for 34 years, how do I NOT??? But now that he has spoiled me for 34 years, how do I not LIVE spoiled???
So many changes God. Changes that are overwhelming. More than I can deal with at times.
I love the man. I love my husband.
But to be honest? I miss my friend in him. I miss the laughter. I miss the touches and hugs and kisses. I miss the teasing and the playing. I miss the dreams and hopes and plans of our future together.
I get so lonely in these hours God. These hours upon hours that he sleeps - day and night. The times he goes to bed, and all I can do is listen to him sleep. The times he sits at the table and sleeps - waking up only to deny that he sleeps, or to apologize for not being what I need, or apologize for being in my way ... even tho all I am doing is sitting there quietly and still, not saying anything, certainly not griping at him about anything.
And I get so confused. I have always heard that actions speak louder than words. He says "I love you" on occasion. But then, not a touch, not a kiss, not anything.
Bitter and sweet water out of the same fountain? Your Word says it ought not be so. But in our life? It is. He loves me, I am the best thing that God has given him besides his salvation ... but then, I am ignorant, can't do anything right, having little to no potential.
And today? Well, today ...
I am told that it is too late for "us". That too much has been said and done. There is no hope. --But doesn't your Word say that "Love always hopes"???
I love the man. I love my husband.
What do I do with this hurt God??? How do I just lay it all down here at the altar of Surrender???
God, I pray for Rick.
He is going thru a difficult time - dealing with a shoulder disability, dealing with dialysis. A lot of changes for him in this life now. He has always worked for a living, and now? The desire is there at times, but the realization that he cannot.
His focus is more on what he can NOT do ... where he can NOT go ... what he does NOT have. And if I try to encourage him? Oh my. Better for me to be that woman without words that I Peter 3 talks about. Course, that is not who I am! And it is so hard to hear my husband, the man I love, be discouraged and say things - and just sit there, quietly, with no response whatsoever.
And now, this past Thursday, he fell outside. So today - he is sore and stiff. It hurts to move about. Course, not moving causes more stiffness and soreness. I have asked him many times if he wants to go to the hospital, or for me to call Dr. Greenwell. "No" on both. So, what am I to do? I give him pain pills (taken, but with the desire for more), I suggest a hot shower (not even considered), I offer to help him in any way - rub him with liniment (limited), wrap his arm (allowed, but not happy about it), whatever we can even just try. I told him that he could have today and Sunday to try and get better. If not better, then I would just be the bitch he claims me to be and I would call the Dr anyway! And I told him that if need be - Joshua can be called, and he will come over and man-handle him to the hospital. Sigh. Bitch that he claims, bitch that I feel! Sigh.
I find myself wanting him to FEEL my pain. I love him - but I want him to FEEL the hurt when his words grieve my spirit, when they crush my heart, when they break the guard around me. I try to explain to him - but there is little to no understanding, little to no nothing. He is so far from me.
God, I am afraid. And it is really hard not to be angry. But who do I be angry with?
--Is this You? I don't believe that. You are good and kind and loving. You have plans for us. Jeremiah 29:11. But you know all this. You could change all this. As Bruce Almighty says - in just 5 minutes you could put it all right! ...but then, I think of "free will". Sigh.
--Is this Rick? He has "free will". Words are a choice that we make before we say them. Feelings are a choice when we dwell on them. Thoughts are a choice when we think on them. Philippians 4.
--Is this the enemy? He has come to kill, steal, and destroy. Yep. Sounds like him! Killing the peace. Stealing the joy. Destroying the love. God, please - this warrior is a child! Please, fight this battle for us.
God, our Father -- help me please.
I pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and to accept the things I cannot do.
I pray for the courage to change the things I can, and to do the things I can.
I pray for the wisdom to know the differences.
God, our Father - I choose to believe that there is a God, and I am not Him ... You are!
I choose to believe Your Word ... and that Your Promises are yes and amen!
And I choose to run TO You, not turn away from You.
God, our Father - I pray for Rick. The man. My husband. My friend. In Jesus' Name ... Thank you.
I love you.
Please continue to pray for us.
Rick was outside yesterday afternoon - around 5'ish - and he tripped and FELL. With the help of a dear friend, Kent, we were able to get him up and on his feet.
He is sore beyond all words to describe. Moving VERY slowly today. His right upper chest area (between the right shoulder and the center of his chest) is what seems to be hurting the worst. His legs are scratched, and he has a bad tear on the lower palm of his left hand.
Thankfully he is breathing good. And that he did not land full force on his catheter.
Pray for ease and comfort from the pain and soreness.
It is hard to fall and recover the older we get - but for a dialysis patient, it is even harder. And the discouragement that goes along with it doesn't make it any easier.
He said last night that he guessed he was just going to go from one fall to another for the rest of his life. Sigh.
We need to be able to get him a stronger and sturdier walking stick.
Also, pray for his phosphorus counts. He is completely out of his phosphorus binders. The cost is so much more than we can afford. I have looked into a more natural way of dealing with this, and I have ordered the supplements - but they are not here yet. High Phosphorus is one of the many dangers to Rick's life and health. If these supplements do not work - we will have to go back to the medication. And it is almost $1000 a prescription! Lord, help us please!!!
Rick's protein levels have dropped - just for the lack of money to buy the meat he needs to eat. We have a very dear friend, Miss Glenda, who has given us some meat - and I cooked a package of the round steak yesterday. Pray with me that Rick's protein levels will come up in these next 2 weeks.
His next Dr. visit is on December 17. Please help me pray for good numbers from the blood work!
Again, thank you all for your thoughts and your prayers. God can move mountains as we pray! Thank you! I love you all!!!!!
I am still battling an ear infection. Sigh. Thank you to Janet (affectionately known as "Momma" lol) --she has generously shared her antibiotic ear drops with me. She is a precious and treasured friend! So thankful for her love, her prayers, and her care!
Praying that the ear drops will WORK to reduce the inflammation and infection, and to ease the pain! I am so ready to stretch out in bed and SLEEP!!! Because of the pain and discomfort, I have been sleeping more sitting up. I know that a part of this problem is the allergies/sinus crud draining into the ear canal. But knowing what the problem is does not make the "owie" any less ouchy!!!
I also have a broken tooth. It has been like that for a while now - because we have not had the money to go to the dentist. And it is impossible to work out a payment plan with a dentist - I remember a time when we did, when our kids were growing up. But ... no more. And because this tooth does not hurt at all times, I think it has more to do with the sinus and ear pain/pressure than the broken tooth. But whatever it is - it hurts!
Please pray for me. I know that God can do all things - either touch me and heal me, or provide the ways and means to go to the doctor and the dentist. I just pray for the strength to endure until He does something. PUSH ... Pray Until Something Happens. PUSH!!!!!
1:17 a.m. Thursday, December 4, 2014 ... yawn ... sleepy, but sleep isn't greater than the insomnia, not greater than the earache, not greater than the busy-ness of my thoughts. So, here I sit ... with olive oil on cotton stuffed into my ear, having taken 2 aspirin and 2 Tylenol for the pain. Thinking, praying, writing.
We made a spur of the moment trip to Sulphur Springs this week. Left here early on Sunday morning, got back later Monday evening.
Sam called, and he was finished with the painting on the 2002 Dodge pickup. Rick is not very happy with the paint job. But what is done, is done. It looks better than it did. The clear coat had died and the paint was beginning to. So, it is not up to Rick's standard, but it looks better (or at least to me it does, but then, what do I know??? sigh) ...
The truck is for sale. I will be posting all the details of the truck tomorrow with pictures. Praying that God will open the doors and make the way for it to sell. But then, I am trusting Him. Even if it doesn't sell ...
Christmas ... so different than I ever thought it would be.
Not "bad" - just not the Christmas of my dreams.
My dreams of Christmas?
Baking with my daughters and granddaughters ... like Momma and I used to do. Pecan pies. Buttermilk pies. Coconut cake. Plum cakes. Fruit cakes. Cookies. I remember the Christmas baking with Momma always started in October. We would bake and freeze ... bake and freeze.
But time and distance, money (or lack of), jobs, school -- just doesn't allow for that. The girls and I do what we can. More than not, we are baking "together" over the phone.
Shopping ... but what do you shop for when there is little to no money in the bank? We don't have credit cards. So, the shopping that we do is little, and usually just for what is needed.
Decorating ... we each decorate our homes. We share pictures.
We have a meal here and there together. As many times as we can do around the different schedules, and across the miles.
Rick has never been one to really "celebrate" the holidays. He has always allowed me to decorate, to bake, to shop. But never really all that involved.
And now that it is just Rick and me at home? Well, I'm just tired and weary - especially this year.
Not being "Bah-humbug" about Christmas. Just not overly excited, either. Sigh.
Just more - "bleh" ...
Rick is feeling some better. He had lost about 19 pounds in these 2 weeks as of yesterday morning. He is down to 263. Thank you God!!!!!
His legs had swollen so much that now he has some blisters on the fronts of his legs. We are washing them, and putting anti-bacterial cream on them.
His blood sugar was lower yesterday morning than it has been in these 2 weeks - again, Thank You God!!!!!
Pray for him. He is struggling with discouragement and frustrations. His body isn't working the way he thinks it should - he is facing a lot of "limitations" or "challenges". Some days - just more than he can really accept.
He told me the other day that it is easier to just sleep -- at least when he sleeps, he dreams, and when he dreams in sleep, he dreams of a life without the limitations, a life where he can go and do what he wants.
I can understand that ... but I also know how lonely I get when he sleeps so much. I cannot be there with him in his dreams. He says I am. But I don't know. Even if I lay next to him - I am not there inside of his dreams.
Just a difficult time for us both ...
I thought of Momma yesterday afternoon/evening. I remember seeing her so many times sitting in her chair, or on the couch. Just sitting there. Staring off into space. Or twiddling her thumbs. Sometimes dozing in and out. But always just sitting there - still and quiet. Because daddy was sitting in the room asleep. He would sit at the table, head in his hands and sleep. Or he would sit on the edge of the couch, head in his hands and sleep. Momma would sit there as long as she could - quiet and still, letting daddy sleep.
I never really understood that about her. Why didn't she get up and do something? Even if he didn't?
Now I know.
It's easier more than not, just to be still and quiet. Let him sleep. Don't make him think that I am griping at him, or accusing him. Don't make him feel like he is in my way - he already feels that enough, without me saying or doing anything ... even tho I don't think or feel like he is in my way.
I try to understand that Rick is dealing with a whole lot of things ... and he is just tired, weary. I keep hoping that if I let him sleep, he will feel better when he wakes up, that he will be in a better mood. I keep hoping ... and I keep sitting still and quiet ...
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here