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Yes, my life the last few years seems more like a bad dream than reality. In fact, I keep hoping at some point I will "wake up" and know it truly was all "just a bad dream". Yet while hoping against hope, I know that it is not going to happen. This bad dream IS my reality. However, the last month or so there is a recurring bad dream. From once a week to several times a week. Little variation in the happenings of the dream. I miss arms that hold me when I wake up shaking. Soft kisses to dry the tears. Comforting tender words to "sh-h-h-h-h-h" me until the breathing calms. I also miss a listening ear to the details of the dream - for I have found out thru the years that if I talk my dreams "out", they usually do not return. Sigh. Not sure if writing them out will have the same effect ... but it is worth a try - too tired to keep bearing this burden alone. The basic dream: (some times there are varying details, but all follow this basic pattern) I am staying with someone, as a guest in their home. Asleep in the living room. I wake up and all is dark. This is not a typical darkness, but a crushing darkness. One that can be smelled, felt, tasted even. One that takes the breath away (not in a good way). I slowly get up, thinking I can turn a light on. However, nothing is the same as when I went to sleep. I can't see a thing. But knowing where everything was, nothing feels the same. As I stumble in the darkness, I trip, I fall. A glass crashes to the floor. Shards are scattered about. Now every move brings a sharp pain. Not being able to see, I don't know what direction I am going. I reach for something to steady my walk, nothing is there. Outstretched arms trying to find something, anything. Nothing is there. I hear my son calling to me, that he needs me. His voice is so far away, yet insistent. I can almost feel the panic I am hearing. I cannot find him. From another direction, there is a soft cry of a child. Whimpering in pain, in fear. Now I am torn between my son who sounds so far away, and the child who is near. Then I feel a presence of anger. Soon hearing words that I have long hoped I never would: "Leave. Leave NOW. You have ruined everything." How can I leave? I cannot find my way in the darkness! Where I am leaving? I do not know where I am. I thought I knew. I don't. Where can I go? I cannot see ... I cannot breathe ... The tears begin to fall. I cry out, "Please, help me. I cannot see. I do not know where I am. I do not know how to leave." Just the voice of anger responds, over and over, "Leave. Leave NOW. You have ruined everything." The realization that no one cares, no one wants me ... there is no place I belong - this cold hard realization settles upon me in the dream. A cold sweat of fear. The anxiety to stop this. The panic that I am being pushed away into an abyss of darkness and aloneness. A fighting spirit rises within my chest ... No I will not be taken down like this! Yet, as soon as it does, the crushing darkness & reality forces it back down. What am I fighting for? Who am I fighting for? If I am not worth being fought for ... then how can I fight for myself. Besides, I am so tired, so very weary. I wake up ... and for a moment, the dream is my reality - - I cannot see, I cannot breathe. I force myself to breathe in ... and breathe out. I force my eyes open & focus on one thing in the room, anything. I try to settle my nerves ... calm my breathing ... I wipe my tears away ... Tell myself it was just a bad dream ... Then, as I sit there, waiting for the dream to dissipate as a fog in the sunshine - - An ice cold shiver runs up my back. This is my life. My life is playing itself out in the dreams. Without an anchor. Without a home. Without someone to love. I am lost in the darkness. Crushed by grief. There truly is no place I belong.  Not sleeping the best lately. Too many thoughts and emotions to stave off to get much rest, even when sleep does overtake me. This is Valentine's week. My third one since Rick died. The first year I was numb and still in shock. I barely felt the loss of such a day. We had been struggling for several years and had not "celebrated" much of anything. So this first Valentine's Day came and it went. Unnoticed. Un-cared about. The second year I was new to Kentucky, helping in a new business venture. Immersed day and night in the new business, trying to get it up and going, doing all I could to help friends. This. 3rd Valentine's Day without my Sweetheart. I am feeling every thought, every emotion, every loss. Remembering days gone by ... cards shared ... notes written ... phone calls made. Tasting the dinners we shared. Smelling him as he hugged me and kissed my forehead. Seeing our bed ... knowing his touches. Forcing myself to remember without tears. (Which just for the record only works fair during the day when others are around ... when bedtime comes, the house is quiet, and being alone surrounds me? I don't even try to fight the tears. Oh, and in the shower - had a meltdown this morning as a matter of fact.) Making the breaths come normally, not raggedly. Just Breathe has been my mantra since he died, and the longer I live this journey, the stronger those words become. Just Breathe. These will be my first tattoo - Just Breathe. I wrote on my Facebook yesterday - "Motions. Not Emotions." That is so hard for me to live. I am an emotional being. I love. I laugh. I cry. I feel - damn I feel. So to turn the Emotions into just Motions? It is harder than I ever imagined it would be. Sadly, it is easier than trying to explain. I have seriously considered renting a motel room for the week. Simply hibernate away from everything and everyone. Thinking it might be better for everyone else. Still haven't firmly decided yet. :( I miss loving someone ... yes, I miss being loved. But damn! I miss loving someone - and having that love accepted, even if not returned. Sigh. Life goes on. Even when I wish it didn't. I am struggling to focus on the many different aspects of Love. I love my kids and grandkids. I love my family. I love my friends. I love coffee ... ... chocolate ... roses ... magnolias ... pie - oh my! I love pie! ... sunrises & sunsets ... rainy days & clouds ... sweet tea ... Dr Pepper ... and the list goes on - Yes, Love is a multi-faceted emotion. We should not miss one opportunity to enjoy what we love ... nor to express an "I love you" to someone. Life is too short. I love you Rick. I miss you like crazy. I love you my children - Mandy & Leo, Joshua & Dessie I love you my grandchildren - Elijah, Brooklyn, Shell, & Kyla I love you my family ... and my friends. I love you my best friend. This week shall pass ... I shall survive.  Moments that take my breath away. Rick, you are still good at that, you know? I miss you so much. Life goes on. Continues day by night. The days are busy. The nights are long. Loneliness is my companion. Emptiness overwhelms me. I wonder sometimes just how long I can be strong. I refuse to give up. There are heartbeats that I want to give in. Rest is far from holding me. Sleep teases my eyes. Life goes on. Learning to breathe without you. Never thought it would take my strength. Never knew it would bare my soul. I love you Rick. Then. Now. Always. Life goes on.  Just a few pictures from around the Web. Each one speaks to my heart and soul. Perhaps they will speak to yours as well. |
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here 
Past Posts
January 2023
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Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His. Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me. Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to. Great grief is indicative of a great Love. Rick, my Sweetheart. Margaret, his Beloved. Always & Forever. |
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©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee