3 years ago, when Rick and I started on this journey of life vs. death - with all the health issues - we decided to be honest. Honest to a fault even. Brutally honest. Maybe too honest, with too much information at times. And in these 3 years I have heard from both sides - you are sharing too much, and we want you to share all.
After much prayer, much thought, and some wise counsel -- I have decided to continue with being honest and real. Good days and bad. Whether life takes me to the mountain tops - or into the deepest and darkest valley.
My hope, my prayer - is that God be praised. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away - Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
And with that being said - I need to share that I had a MAJOR meltdown yesterday afternoon. I thought I was stronger than I was. I went thru the notes and cards that Rick had given to me over 35 years together ... and I lost it.
I melted big time. The tears would not stop. I found it hard to breathe.
I miss him so much!
I never knew you could love some one so deeply, and miss them so much.
I never knew that one person could have so much of your life and heart!
But - I must admit ... Rick was and IS worth every moment, every tear, every smile.
I love him with all that is within me.
I learned some things about grief yesterday. (as I am sure I will continue to learn).
Grief is real.
Grief is to be experienced.
Grief will NOT be quiet.
Everyone deals with grief differently. Everyone has their own expressions of grief.
But be sure of this - Grief WILL have its way ...
And God is the Great Comforter. That does not mean that He takes away the grief. It means that He is WITH us in the midst of the grief and sorrow. He catches my tears and puts them in a bottle (i think He probably needs a VAT by now, instead of a bottle tho, just saying). He kisses my head as a Father. He holds me when I cry. He loves me with the greatest love, and holds me with the tenderest of mercies. He wraps me in His Amazing Grace. He actually grieves with me.
My sweet daughter gave me time to cry, space to grieve - she sat quietly beside me. And if you ever wonder what to say or do when someone you love is deep in tears - just be there, sit quietly. Wait. And then, make them smile - bring laughter to the room.
She did. Just by the simple act of going thru a basket of socks, matching them up, folding them together - dividing a mountain of socks between her and the kids. I watched a while, and then I helped her. We talked, we laughed, we teased one another.
We were almost finished with the basket of socks, and she called Elijah to come get his - but just as he stepped around into the room, she and I "sock-balled" him! Oh my! The laughter! The look on his face was PRICELESS!!! He didn't know whether to bat them away - cause he didn't know what they were, they were coming so fast! LOL ... or whether to try and catch them - which, by the way, was a lost cause - there was too many coming too fast! LOL ... When we stopped throwing them, he was like "What are y'all doing?" LOL Angel said - well, it's too hot for a snowball fight, so we decided to have a "sock-ball" fight! He gave us a look that said so much! ROFL!!!
Then, she gave me the evening - watching 2 movies with me. One being my absolute favorite movie - Sweet Home Alabama. We laughed like it was a new movie! But yet, we sat there giving the script for the movie. It was awesome :) ... Thank you sweet daughter child of ours! I love you!!!
This morning, I sat in front of my journal and I wrote about the meltdown, and about the evening. I cried some more. Just because I love Rick so much - and miss him like crazy. I wondered if I was right or wrong for the grief (which by the way, i do a lot lately - wonder, second guess).
I felt a love and a peace from God as I wrote these thoughts and feelings out ... that no matter what - God understands, that God loves me.
And then, I told God our Father that I don't want to do anything that breaks His heart, that makes me grieve the Sweet Holy Spirit. Wow.
I stopped writing.
That word - Grieve.
New meaning to that word.
I don't want to live my life in such a way that it makes my Father in heaven grieve.
I know what grief feels like - and to be honest? I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!! Let alone to put my Father, who loves me, thru grief and sorrow. Lord God, Heavenly Father - help me to live this life, even the grief and sorrow, this new normal of being a widow - help me to live it so that you are highly honored and greatly praised. So that you are not grieved, but rather well-pleased. Thank you God for being my Comfort, my Strength, my Everything. I love you --
Psalm 68 ... May God arise and His enemies be scattered ... But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful ... extol Him who rides on the clouds ... A Father to the fatherless, a Defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling ... God sets the lonely in families ... Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death ... Summon your power, God; show us your strength, our God, as you have done before ... You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to His people.
Grief is not over for me ... I don't think it will be until I get there - where my Sweetheart, my Soulmate, the love of my life, waits on his woman ... then and only then will God wipe away every tear from my eyes.
But until then - just sit quietly with me ... or make me laugh. I love you ... and thank you for praying for me.
Today is the last day of being a 2 digit widow ... tomorrow begins the 3 digit days. Unbelievable still. I wonder how I have made it these 99 days without hearing his voice ... without feeling his touch. Perhaps it doesn't seem like a milestone to some that read this - but to me, it is a great milestone in this new life I find myself in (without wanting to be here). 99 days ... breathing in and breathing out ... crying and laughing ... eating and drinking, but not being hungry at all ... at times sleeping, and sometimes not sleeping ... times of going and doing, and times of just being still ...99 days of life altering, life challenging, change.
I know without a doubt it has been because of God in my heart, in my mind, and in my life. God has been and will continue to be my reason to live this life. He is my Provider, my Strength, my Hope and my Deliverer.
I have cried a river of tears - and that river continues to run. I used to wonder where all the water came from when I would stand and watch a river rushing by, or a waterfall cascading down the rocks. Now I know - well, not really know, but I guess I understand a little. Never knew there was so much liquid inside of me! Never knew that eyes could cry so much and still see.
I have had many conversations - with family, with friends. I have been asked how I can be the way I am, pressing on, getting thru each day and each night - comments made that if it were them, they would lock the doors, turn out the lights, crawl into bed and just want to die. I take a deep breath - and hold in the "Really? You don't think I haven't thought about doing that?" ... and my answer is -- one simple question ... WILL THAT BRING HIM BACK TO ME???
NOTHING is going to bring him back to me. But I have the assurance in my faith that one day I will go to see him ... and I have the assurance in my faith that we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses - those who have gone on before us.
So, I breathe in and I breathe out ... and I go on. I think about what I would like to hear him say when we meet again - and that is this ... open his arms, take me to him, kiss me on the forehead and say - " You done good, girl". I want to look into his eyes and see the pride and the favor shining out on me.
I still feel like I am in a fog, numb. Not really belonging anywhere. Wandering thru these days and nights. Wondering if I am getting any of it right.
Still second guessing pretty much everything I say or do ... and most of what I think and feel. What is right? What is wrong? And what is just understandable?
Others seem to have pulled away from me ... or have I pulled away from them?
Do I just give a vivid reminder to others that Rick is no longer here? I mean, if I am not there with someone, they can pretend that Rick and I are still together - just off doing our own thing. I wonder if that is how it really is?
Or is it just that the world really does not stop for my broken heart? Life goes on for everyone.
And who besides another widow or widower really knows what to say to a widow or widower? Because NOTHING makes the pain less ...
I wonder if I sound grumpy and grouchy - I know that I don't mean to be. But at the same time, I feel like with all the Hell I have been thru these 99 days alone, I have earned a little right to be grumpy and grouchy, to be numb, to wander.
I try to be productive a little every day. Sometimes I wonder if others see that. But then other times, I don't really care what others see or think. This is my new life ... I have to find a way that works for me thru all this.
I have gone thru Rick's things ... gone thru our life together ... I have given away, I have sold, and I have re-created some things. And now, what do I do with what is left???
We did not own the house we were living in at the time. It belongs to Rick's parents. Our daughter and her children are living here ... and I am staying with them part of the time, and staying with our son and his family part of the time. Will I continue to do this? Or will I get my own place? I don't know ... I really don't want to be anywhere right now ... it's too hard, takes my breath away. Memories flood my mind, and continue to leak out of my eyes.
My car was taken from me - I do not have the money to make the payments. I do not have the means to buy another vehicle, either. So, I am without a HOME of my own, and without a car of my own. I never realized how much freedom and independence was tied up in a vehicle! Wow. My children are taking me where I need to go. And they would probably take me more - but, I realize they have their own lives to live, and so I do not ask. I will not ask unless it is necessary. I wait ...
Right now, I do not have the money to live - only on the kindness of my children do I have a roof over my head and food to eat, and only at the graciousness of Rick's parents do I have my doctor visits covered and my medicines bought.
I have gone thru our pictures - and laughed, and cried. Remembering the LIFE we lived in those times. I will take some of the more precious ones and will create a scrapbook that no matter where I am - there it will be.
I also went thru 35 years of cards and notes and letters. Crying. Smiling. Loving him. And feeling very honored all over again to have been his wife, his friend, his lover. I have a pretty pink box now with his cards to me, and a few from me to him, in it. It sits here close to my computer. Just a look at the box makes me smile - to know the love of all those years that lie there.
Yes, I breathe in and I breathe out. And I thank God for the time that Rick and I had together. The good times, the bad times even. Just for the LIFE that we lived.
And I cannot help but wish we had had more time together. I think God understands that.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here