Grief

3 years ago, when Rick and I started on this journey of life vs. death - with all the health issues - we decided to be honest. Honest to a fault even. Brutally honest. Maybe too honest, with too much information at times. And in these 3 years I have heard from both sides - you are sharing too much, and we want you to share all.

After much prayer, much thought, and some wise counsel -- I have decided to continue with being honest and real. Good days and bad. Whether life takes me to the mountain tops - or into the deepest and darkest valley.

My hope, my prayer - is that God be praised. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away - Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

And with that being said - I need to share that I had a MAJOR meltdown yesterday afternoon. I thought I was stronger than I was. I went thru the notes and cards that Rick had given to me over 35 years together ... and I lost it.
I melted big time. The tears would not stop. I found it hard to breathe.
I miss him so much!
I never knew you could love some one so deeply, and miss them so much.
I never knew that one person could have so much of your life and heart!

But - I must admit ... Rick was and IS worth every moment, every tear, every smile.
I love him with all that is within me.

I learned some things about grief yesterday. (as I am sure I will continue to learn).
Grief is real.
Grief is to be experienced.
Grief will NOT be quiet.
Everyone deals with grief differently. Everyone has their own expressions of grief. 
But be sure of this - Grief WILL have its way ...

And God is the Great Comforter. That does not mean that He takes away the grief. It means that He is WITH us in the midst of the grief and sorrow. He catches my tears and puts them in a bottle (i think He probably needs a VAT by now, instead of a bottle tho, just saying). He kisses my head as a Father. He holds me when I cry. He loves me with the greatest love, and holds me with the tenderest of mercies. He wraps me in His Amazing Grace. He actually grieves with me.

My sweet daughter gave me time to cry, space to grieve - she sat quietly beside me. And if you ever wonder what to say or do when someone you love is deep in tears - just be there, sit quietly. Wait. And then, make them smile - bring laughter to the room.

She did. Just by the simple act of going thru a basket of socks, matching them up, folding them together - dividing a mountain of socks between her and the kids. I watched a while, and then I helped her. We talked, we laughed, we teased one another.

We were almost finished with the basket of socks, and she called Elijah to come get his - but just as he stepped around into the room, she and I "sock-balled" him! Oh my! The laughter! The look on his face was PRICELESS!!! He didn't know whether to bat them away - cause he didn't know what they were, they were coming so fast! LOL ... or whether to try and catch them - which, by the way, was a lost cause - there was too many coming too fast! LOL ... When we stopped throwing them, he was like "What are y'all doing?" LOL Angel said - well, it's too hot for a snowball fight, so we decided to have a "sock-ball" fight! He gave us a look that said so much! ROFL!!!

Then, she gave me the evening - watching 2 movies with me. One being my absolute favorite movie - Sweet Home Alabama. We laughed like it was a new movie! But yet, we sat there giving the script for the movie. It was awesome :) ... Thank you sweet daughter child of ours! I love you!!!

This morning, I sat in front of my journal and I wrote about the meltdown, and about the evening. I cried some more. Just because I love Rick so much - and miss him like crazy. I wondered if I was right or wrong for the grief (which by the way, i do a lot lately - wonder, second guess).
I felt a love and a peace from God as I wrote these thoughts and feelings out ... that no matter what - God understands, that God loves me.
And then, I told God our Father that I don't want to do anything that breaks His heart, that makes me grieve the Sweet Holy Spirit. Wow.
I stopped writing.
That word - Grieve.
New meaning to that word.
I don't want to live my life in such a way that it makes my Father in heaven grieve.

I know what grief feels like - and to be honest? I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!! Let alone to put my Father, who loves me, thru grief and sorrow. Lord God, Heavenly Father - help me to live this life, even the grief and sorrow, this new normal of being a widow - help me to live it so that you are highly honored and greatly praised. So that you are not grieved, but rather well-pleased. Thank you God for being my Comfort, my Strength, my Everything. I love you -- 

Psalm 68 ...  May God arise and His enemies be scattered ... But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful ... extol Him who rides on the clouds ... A Father to the fatherless, a Defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling ... God sets the lonely in families ... Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,  who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death ... Summon your power, God; show us your strength, our God, as you have done before ... You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to His people.

Grief is not over for me ... I don't think it will be until I get there - where my Sweetheart, my Soulmate, the love of my life, waits on his woman ... then and only then will God wipe away every tear from my eyes.

But until then - just sit quietly with me ... or make me laugh. I love you ... and thank you for praying for me.