Just fair warning - there is probably too much information in here for some ... but according to what my husband told me 3 years ago, and many, many times since? He wants me to be honest - even brutally honest - even to the point of too much information. He said that if it helps one other person to get thru their personal storms and trials, or if it helps one person to make better choices, or helps one person to avoid these same issues and storms that we are dealing with - then all loss of pride and privacy will have been worth it.
I try hard to share all that I share with his dignity in mind ... but just a fair warning before you read farther.
The "yeast infection" that he had since January 2 this year - did not get well. 4 prescriptions, a doctor's visit, a trip to the ER -- worse!!!
So, this past Monday - has it only been 6 days? - I called the dialysis center, talked with Lisa. Told her the pain that Rick was in. She said to call Dr. Greenwell's office. I did. They wanted Rick to see a urologist. An emergency work in was arranged ... and off we flew to Paris. Got there, didn't have to wait too long - but the urologist said that the head of his penis felt hard, he was afraid that gangrene had already set in. And he said that he did not do that surgery. That Rick would need to be seen by a specialist in this - either Tyler or Dallas. We flew across town to Dr. Greenwell's office. Dr. Greenwell examined Rick - and he agreed with the urologist. So, Dr. Greenwell made the appointment with the specialist in Tyler, at ETMC. No time to wait. Transfer papers were sent ahead, and with me. We left Paris around 5 p.m. and drove straight to Tyler. Got here around 7'ish.
First went to the ER. They had no record of us. When our papers were taken and Rick was searched for in their system - they found him. Direct admit.
Room 2232 of the Dialysis unit/urology floor.
Dr. Dickson came in around 9 that night (Monday). He said that he would check with the OR - but surgery would most likely be on Tuesday morning. He said that an amputation would be necessary - just didn't know how extensive an amputation it would be until he could do the circumcision and see the penis.
Not a whole lot of sleep by either one of us that night ... lots of prayers, some tears, and more thoughts and worries than I care to consider now. Sigh.
Tuesday morning - surgery was scheduled for 10 a.m. Talk about feeling ALONE! But then, Mandy came to see her daddy before surgery, and to stay with momma :) ... Jimmy and Mary Lou came while Rick was in surgery. It was an intense couple of hours that's for sure!!! LOTS & LOTS of prayers going up -- Facebook updates and text messages were flying!
Dr. Dickson called me as soon as surgery was over. It was dry gangrene, and it had gotten to a good part of his penis. So the amputation was about 1/2 - he said that he had to cut back until he got good blood flow, which showed him it was healthy tissues.
Rick came thru surgery and recovery with not a problem. But that was a long hour to wait out the recovery! It was sure good to see him come back to his room. He was awake, groggy, but awake. And he was HUNGRY! :)
I asked him if he wanted to know what the doctor had done - how the surgery had gone. He looked at me with tear filled eyes and said, No - I don't think I can handle it. I waited a few minutes. Loved on him. And then said - "It wasn't as bad as you were afraid of! You can still stand up to pee!" - The relief flooded his face, and the tears came. God love him!
The rest of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday was spent with pain pills and pain shots ...
and with me arguing with the nurses. The dialysis was not being done on time, not even done the same each time. I was having to press the nurses for pain pills, when they were written for "on call". Rick had some fluid overload - normal for post-surgery. Dialysis solution was adjusted by doctor, but then to get the nurses to follow those orders! Oh my!
Rick was in horrible pain because of constipation - bad enough for a dialysis patient, or a surgery patient ... but considering he was BOTH!
I asked for laxatives, for stool softeners, for a suppository, for an enema - for HELP!!!
He was given 1 laxative, 2 stool softeners, and 1 suppository. He was only able to have 2 very small BM's. And those were done with MUCH agony!
And sad to say - Friday was the worst day! His right hip and leg were in pain on top of everything else. Dr. Wells said that it sounded and looked like an inflammation of arthritis in that hip due to having been in bed so much. Dr. Abbasi said that he wanted to rule out a blood clot so a dopplar was ordered - which by the way, turned out ALL CLEAR!
But from 7 a.m. until 3 p.m. - we sat in this room mostly by ourselves, with the nurse only coming in a couple of times - in spite of me asking for pain medication, laxatives, something to HELP my husband of 34 years not have to cry out to God that he could not stand the pain, with tears running down his face.
By Friday afternoon around 2:30 - we were exhausted. Rick had found a semi-comfortable spot in bed, and he was sound asleep. I sat the chair, thinking about everything. And I went on Facebook and posted this --
Rick got out of bed with what we thought was sciatic nerve pain. Walking did not relieve the pain. Pain medication has only slightly dulled it. First dr said it sounded like inflammed arthritis, no redness, not hot to the touch. Second dr comes in and listens to rick explain the pain. Is ordering a dopplar to check for a blood clot.
So now we wait and wonder and I worry. I don't mean to be hateful....BUT.... I am not impressed with the care -or lack thereof- by the nursing staff, especially today. Rick was due for dialysis at noon. It is 2 p.m. and still no dialysis.
He is 2 hrs past due on pain medication. I just sneaked a look at his orders, on the computer in the room....he was supposed to be getting a laxative EVERY DAY. He has gotten ONE. And he STILL has not had a decent BM since surgery.
I know that he is not the only patient. But each of these nurses have maybe 3 patients. I sit here thinking SERIOUSLY? THE MAN IS HURTING! SIGH.
PLEASE PRAY that Rick's pain will ease. That there is no blood clot. That he will begin to fill the catheter bag. That he will have a good BM. ...and that i will not totally lose it with these people!!!
Within 15 minutes, our daughter called and asked if "she" was in our room yet. ??? What are you talking about? She read what I wrote and she called the hospital! Talked to, I believe, the director of nursing? Mandy said, Momma - if she is not there by 3 pm, you call me, cause I am calling them back!
Just about 3 p.m. Anne walked in the room. She is the head nurse over all these nurses, even above the charge nurses. She took over Rick from the nurse of the day (who had done nothing). She listened to Rick and to me. She looked at his chart and his record. And she went into action!!!
This was the Facebook post first thing this morning --
What a difference an AWESOME nurse - 2 actually - makes!!!!!
Anne came yesterday afternoon (after a call from Sweet Home Alabama ... and she took over with Rick. He was given pain medications, laxatives, stool softeners, a dopplar was done on his legs (all clear!) ... and she was above and beyond KIND and treated him with so much dignity and respect! Made him laugh. Encouraged him to talk ... Talked him into getting up and walking ...
And then - Anne Beth! OH MY! She should be up for Nurse of the YEAR!!!
She had Rick all night - and she was so attentive, kind, caring, respectful!!!
His dialysis has been done on time, correct, and with laughter!!!
His pain has been held at bay with on time medications - and NO shots!!! (We can't leave if he is on the pain shots, cause we can't give them at home.)
He has had at least 3 GOOD BM's! Which makes him feel so much better! So much more of a real person!!! And which has taken a lot of his fluid overload off!!!
He slept last night - actually rested. Woke up at 6:30 -- did his breathing treatment (they want him to reach 2000 on the machine, and he did 2500!)
and wanted to go for a walk around the nurses station. Once he started walking - he made 3 trips around!!!
He is resting now ... breakfast has been ordered - including a guest tray for me (will be my first breakfast since being here).
The catheter is to be taken out this morning (pray for an easy removal, as well as the bladder to WAKE UP & PEE!!!) ... he said he wants to take a hot shower after the catheter is taken out.
Discharge has been discussed as being either tomorrow or Monday. Anne Beth said that they really like to keep watch for 8 - 10 hours after a catheter is removed - just to make sure everything is ok.
Thanking God for a turn-around!
Thanking God for a daughter who decided that "enough was enough" and she got VERY involved!
I told her that I never really thought to call anyone but who was on this floor. She said - Momma, you have spent a lifetime fighting for others, you shouldn't have to do this for daddy and for yourself now!
This is what she wrote on Facebook last night -
My mama should not have to badger the nurses for his scheduled medication. She should not have to sit there and hear her husband literally cry in pain because the staff wasn't doing their job. When you go into a hospital there is a level of care EXPECTED. Mama is tired, stressed, worried. She shouldn't HAVE to ask for the things that should be given freely. Lack of staff is not the patients fault. That's the hospitals. I stepped in because I will not let anyone treat my family unfairly. Mama had said and done far more than she should've had to. Love you Margaret Mccoy. I'm just glad that he is getting the care he needs to be Now.
Absolutely melted my heart! Love my girl!!!
So, now - we wait on breakfast ... and think about from this day forward ... Lord will guide us and lead us!
Thank you all for your thoughts, your calls, your texts, your messages, your prayers!
Rick seems a little better??? This infection on his penis is bigger than either of us. We have prayed for wisdom and for direction. This is the 19th day. He has 3 days left to the antibiotics (for bacterial infection) and 3 days left to the antifungal pills. He should be finishing up the antibacterial cream and the antifungal cream in 3 days as well.
His dialysis nurse called yesterday asking about him. I told her that he is still having some pain, it still burns and itches. And we are having problems with the foreskin (too much information? sorry). She said that if by Friday morning we see no MARKED improvement - as in little to no pain or discomfort - then bring him to the Paris ER. That is the hospital that Dr. Greenwell works out of, as does the urologist that Rick has been referred to (but doesn't have an appointment with him for another month). Enough is enough.
Rick and I talked about this ... and neither one of us wants him to have to go to the hospital. He does not a good patient make. And it's hard to retain your dignity when you have to lose your privacy and pride. KWIM? But ... it's time. If these medications do not work completely in these 3 days - ENOUGH.
Rick's labs came back. His nurse is concerned. I am concerned. The last time he had a GOOD lab report was in August of 2014. Ever since then he has just spiraled down and down.
*His total blood count is down to "8". That is almost low enough to require a blood transfusion. Which is something they really do not want to do. Not only is it hard on his body as a dialysis patient, but it takes away a lot of the chances of a transplant should he be eligible otherwise for one.
*His protein level is down to "3.4". Should be no less than "4". But then, he hasn't been eating like he should be. For one, he hasn't felt all that good the last month - but that is probably because his blood is low, and his protein is low. And for another, we really have not had the groceries to eat 3 meals a day + 2 high protein snacks a day. Sigh.
*His potassium is up just a little - so we have to pull back on potatoes, tomatoes, and oranges. Not that he cannot have any - just can't have them every day for the next couple of weeks.
*His phosphorus is WAY TOO HIGH! He was out of his phosphorus binders for a couple of weeks, and then we got the natural ones. Whether it was being out of them, or maybe the natural ones aren't exactly the same - I don't know. But his phosphorus is up - so we have to really cut down on the high phosphorus foods, and we have to make sure he takes the binders with every bite, with every drink. Which is hard - because he only has enough to last maybe the next 10 days or so? Then the prescription needs filled again.
*His blood sugar is still not stable. The doctor has put him on Humalog. Rick has enough to last a couple more weeks. The prescription is good - but we don't have the $70 to get it filled. Sigh. Doctor said we may have to go to the "old" insulin, in a vial - see if we can afford that and see if it will work.
*Rick is struggling with fluid overload. That seems to be an ongoing battle. He is a water drinker! But with less activity, he cannot drink as much. Sigh.
No one likes to admit that they, or their husband, have become "disabled". But this is the truth of our life.
Rick is disabled. And with the physical challenges/limitations/disabilities - comes a mental and emotional disability/depression.
I have found some things that I "think" would help him - but we have to wait until we can afford to buy them. You don't realize what simple, little, every day things can mean to someone who is stubbornly independent - but who can no longer do those simple, little, every day things. Sigh.
*Tweezers ... something so easy as using a pair of tweezers on his beard can bring such frustration.
*Home and bath products that were developed for those who have challenges. Awesome - and the ones that Rick needs are not that expensive.
Now, for the discouragement and depression? I am empty. I have prayed, cried, shared the Word with him, listened, spoke words of encouragement and life, counted our blessings out loud to him ... Nothing seems to help - at least not for longer than what these words hang in the air.
The nurse said that she would talk to the doctor about medication - but so many of the medications have the serious side effects, as well as so many of them do not work well in a dialysis patient.
Please pray for him. I think more than anything a sense of independence and a sense of control would help fight the depression. But then ... maybe that's just wishful thinking.
FOR SALE $10,500 (possible negotiation) -
2002 Dodge Ram, 2500 SLT Lariat. 4x4. 8 ltr V-10. Engine has 48,000 original miles. Truck has 133,000 original miles. Quad cab. Short wide wheel base. Matching camper shell with locking tailgate (have keys). Sliding rear glass. Rhino lining in bed. Turn over gooseneck ball in bed. Tow package on rear bumper. Mag wheels. High tread on tires - like new. Grill guard. Automatic transmission. AC & heater works like a champ. Seats are excellent condition.
Please call Rick @ 903-445-2682 for more info, or to drive. If you would like more pictures, please text me @ 903-348-6218. Thank you -
--if you don't need this truck, please share. Rick is a dialysis patient and does not need this truck. Thank you.
Such a beautiful day yesterday (Saturday) - an absolutely perfect spring day, in January, in Texas! Wow!
Rick felt better enough to get dressed, and go outside for a little while. He sat in the chair under the awning - enjoying the warmer weather. He even felt like walking around a little.
I made a meatloaf and put it in the oven to bake.
About an hour into the afternoon, Rick (the manager here at Coffee Creek RV Park) came by on the golf cart. Steve and Janet had stopped and they were talking to my Rick about how nice the weather was, and just enjoying the sunshine after so many dark and dreary days lately.
They drove away. And Rick (manager) walked up to the door. Asked my Rick if we had a few minutes to talk. Sure. I stepped out on the porch. And he handed my Rick a sheet of paper.
--Our work camping is terminated. Effective immediately. Turn in any keys within 24 hours. As of February 1, 2015 - either pay the $400 a month for the lot rent, or move out.--
Talk about feeling like we had been suckered punched! We did not see that coming!
My Rick asked him why. (1) Are you no longer going to have work campers? "Oh yes, we are going to have work campers." (2) Is it because we have been here so long? "Oh no. That has nothing to do with this." (3) Why then? "We need someone that we can depend on and rely on. Someone that will carry their weight and not ask someone else to do so much for them."
In our defense, our work camping contract was for 24 hours a week work - not individually, but together. We have put in from 30-50 hours PER WEEK since we have been here! Work campers are supposed to get 2 days a week off. Rarely do we even get ONE. Once a month, we take off 3 days to go to Sulphur Springs/Paris for Rick's doctor appointment. Back in October, we were gone for 10 days because of Jimmy's heart surgery - but we had banked that many hours! Even in all of this so far this month/year - with this infection that Rick has been fighting, not one day did we NOT clean! 2 days, I cleaned by myself - but still, we met the hours required (actually more than required).
When I get mad, really good and mad, I cry. I may raise my voice when I am angry. I may cry when I am upset. But when I get really good and mad - I cry, and I talk soft.
Which is exactly what I did yesterday.
I told him that we were just screwed. He wanted to know why. I told him bluntly - the TRUTH ... "if I cannot afford Rick's medications, and I cannot buy groceries - then how in this world am I going to pay $400 a month for this lot rent?"
He just looked at me. Told me to just calm down (all I was doing was crying, tears streaming down my cheeks). That "we" would work something out. Then he said not to worry about the February 1 date - that he would extend it to March 1, 2015. That would give us all 6 weeks to figure something out. ??? Asked that we not get in a hurry to leave.
Said that if he needed us, he would either knock on the door, or he would call. ???
WHAT??? He has just said that we were not dependable nor reliable - so how in the world are we dependable or reliable enough to be "on call" if he needs something???
Just makes no sense whatsoever. My Rick and I have talked about it all ... we have prayed about it ... and the only thing we know for sure to do -- is let it go, Trust in Jesus. Just Trust in Jesus.
What will we do? Where will we go?
We don't have a clue at this time.
We are praying ... Trusting in Jesus ... breathing in and breathing out.
God has a plan for our lives - Jeremiah 29:11 - and we do not believe that any one here upon this earth is greater than our God ... so therefore no one can remove us from His hands, and no one can change the plans of God for our lives.
So, for now - we will pray ... we will rest ... we will work our way thru some things that we have been putting on the back burner now for the last several months ... and we will continue to fight this infection that Rick has.
Pray for us - that God will meet our needs. Daily - medications, groceries, and fuel. And that God will direct our ways clearly - so that we will be exactly where HE wants us to be.
Thank you all ... Love you!
I hope your 2015 has been good so far. I can say that God is good - all the time ... and all the time - God is good.
This 2015 has not been the best of starts for us ...
January 2, we cleaned bathrooms here at the Coffee Creek RV park - and when we finished, Rick was cold and tired. So, he decided to take a nap. When he got up - he asked me to take a look at his penis. Said it was burning and itching. I got him under a bright light and - it was swollen some, but red. I told him that it looked like a yeast infection.
I grabbed the Monistat and we began a treatment.
I also called his nurse and his doctor. With a dialysis patient who is also a diabetic - this is not something to be taken lightly. Both of them agreed that it sounded like a yeast infection, and that washing and applying the Monistat would be the best thing.
So, 3 or 4 times a day ... for 10 days ... we saw some improvement, but not enough to give him actual relief.
This last Monday, I called the head nurse at the dialysis clinic and explained everything to her - how he was feeling, what it looked like, what we had done. She said that it sounded like the more common fungal infection that uncircumcised dialysis patients get. She assured me that she would talk to the doctor about this.
I got a call back from Misty. She said that Dr. Greenwell had called in an antibiotic, and a bacterial cream.
We got both from Walmart that day. Began using both. By Wednesday morning, he was feeling a lot more relief than he had had in 10 days previous.
His appointment was changed to this past Wednesday. Dr. Greenwell took a look - and said that yes it looked like an infection to him - but that it looked like it was healing.
Dr. Greenwell called in another medication - an antifungal pill, for Rick to take once a day for 7 days ... and an antifungal cream - to put on at times in between the other cream.
Dr. said that we would treat this from both directions - like a bacterial fungal infection, and as a yeast infection. But said that if it is not completely cleared up - Rick will need to see a urologist.
Needless to say, with Rick battling the depression and now this ... no, it has NOT been a good start to 2015.
Therefore, God is good - all the time ... and all the time - God is good!!!
Rick has been talking more the last couple of days about the depression. Which is good. And yesterday, he got up, took his meds (including his insulin shot) with no bad attitude, or grumpiness. He ate breakfast, got dressed, and went out with me to clean bathrooms here in the park. He was tired afterwards when we got back home - so he took a nap. And when he got up, he decided to take a shower - talked about how much better it made him feel.
He ate a good supper last night, too.
I know that for some this is like - so? But for us? This is a good day!
Not sure what God is going to do with us this year. Where He wants us.
We are praying and talking about what to do. Which means trying to be still and listen as well. God has promised that He knows the plans He has made for us - plans to give us a hope and a future.
God is good ... and God is faithful to His Word.
Sometimes it just means that we breathe in and we breathe out ... being still - not to lag behind, but not to jump out in front of Him either. We are to walk with Him and talk with Him - one step at a time, one day at a time. He will lead us in paths of righteousness, directing those paths and making them straight -- but we have to be willing to be still, to wait, and then to see HIS way. Willing to walk in HIS way - not insisting on our own ways.
--Lord help us please.
For the family and friends who read this blog - I am not trying to panic you, nor make more of what is going on ... just trying to be real - which is what we agreed on years ago when I started this blog. Real. Good or bad. Real.
Rick is not doing very good. He has said many times that he is dying. He does not have a good attitude, nor a good perspective on life.
Is he in the "dying process"? I don't want to be stupid and miss something ... nor do I want to be a fearful, panicked wife. So, I do like I have always done - I research. I read. I study. I pray.
And according to the medical websites, and the hospice website -- there is an actual "dying process" that a person begins to go thru about 4-6 months before they die. And we are talking "dying process" when someone has a chronic condition, or a terminal illness.
I read all these articles and reports - praying constantly. And honestly? I don't see these things in Rick. Oh maybe one or two - but again, according to the reports, there is a greater number supposed to be there for the "dying process" to be happening.
Rick's labs are great. The doctor and the nurses are very impressed. And his dialysis daily numbers have been awesome. His color is good. He still pees. He still is able to eat and to drink (when he is not too stubborn to do it, sigh).
So, I sat here, praying, thinking. Asking God for wisdom. And in the stillness and quietness - I hear one word ... DEPRESSION.
So, back to the medical sites. Research depression.
What do I find? Of every 10 symptoms of depression - Rick has at least 7. Sigh.
I find a legitimate medical test on depression - and since he was asleep, I took it for him. I answered the questions according to what he has told me, and according to what I have seen in him the last few months.
Hit the "submit" button to get results.
On a scale of 0 - 100, with 0 being no depression at all, and 100 being so depressed call 911 ... he was scored at 45-60. Moderate depression. Not requiring medication. Perhaps counseling. Certainly needing to take charge of his life.
Pray for him please.
--I know that in dealing with dialysis there is a risk of depression. And in dealing daily with the limitations and challenges of a shoulder injury, as well as neuropathy, there is the struggle against depression as well.
--He feels lost in this life. He has always been the worker of the family. Holding down at least one job at all times. We never even took a real vacation. Our vacations consisted of a day here and there, or maybe 2 or 3 days off in a row. And now? He can't drive a truck. I told him the other day to consider one thing - he didn't always drive a truck. He was an excellent salesman! There has to be something that he can still do to find worth as a "man".
--It is easier to focus on all that is wrong, or just not right, than it is to see past the pain and hurt (emotional and mental as well as physical) and praise the Lord, giving thanks in all things. He says he knows he is a blessed man. And that if he dies today - he can't complain, because he is so blessed. But still ... he thinks a lot of what he can no longer do, where he cannot go.
--This down hill spiral really started back in August when finances just did not allow for us to take the 3 week trip he had wanted to do so badly to Oregon. He had dreamed of being able to go salmon fishing with his best friend, Craig. But we just did not have the money to travel up there. We had the 2002 Dodge pickup ... but it was in the shop, and it was not going to sell in time for us to go. And ever since then ... nothing has been really right. He keeps talking about "life as he knows it" is over. Sigh.
--he has a past that he needs to reconcile with. Things he needs to ask forgiveness for. And even more things that he needs to give forgiveness to.
--He has always said that the true path to life and to joy is thru service. He needs to feel that he is of worth in some kind of service - more than just sitting here at the house all the time.
Pray for me, please.
I pray a lot. I cry a lot.
I have tried to encourage him - telling him how much I love him, how much I want him, how much I need him. Telling him what a strong man he is. Telling him how proud I am of him - always have been.
I have read the Word to him - showing him in God's Word that God loves him, that God has accepted him, that God still has a plan for his life.
I have reasoned with him, and yes, argued with him. He is a stubborn man. And sometimes the only way to get thru to him is to fight him - make him mad enough to rise up and say "ENOUGH".
I have even tried really hard to just shut up and pray. Breathe in and breathe out. Take one day at a time, even one hour at a time.
NOTHING works. Oh maybe for a moment here and there. But nothing really gets thru to him.
He won't show this to anyone else. So, I feel very alone at this point in our life.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to feel, what to think, what to say, or what to do. Nothing is right ... even when I do nothing. Sigh.
I love my husband. I care about him. and I am committed to him - until death do us part.
I am not perfect in any measure. I stumble. I fall. I get overwhelmed. I lose it with him, even. I say things that are meant to help, but not said in the right way.
So many tears that I feel dehydrated.
This hurts me so bad to see him miserable.
Praying for him - just that he would cry out to Jesus in all of this. Faith does not make life easy. Faith makes life possible.
Please, pray for my husband. He is a good man, caught in a bad struggle.
Please, pray for his wife. She tries hard to be a good wife (Proverbs 31), and she too is caught in a bad struggle. Sigh.
For us here at Coffee Creek RV park, in Santo, TX - 2015 came in with a cold and blustery wind, and with freezing rain and sleet. A messy, cold, nasty day.
And for Rick and I? Well, 2015 came in with no good moods, and very few good words to one another. Not the way I had intended for the first day of 2015 to be. Sigh. Guess that's just life though. Bad days do not know a holiday. Sigh.
Just before noon, Rick and I decided for me to go to The Star and get the leftovers from last evening. The ice was not on the ground - ground was just too warm to hold it. But it was everywhere else. And honestly? It was so pretty that I couldn't take my eyes off it! Wow. Just awesome! I took a few pictures with my phone ... makes me wish even more for a good camera. Thanking God for such an awesome display of beauty!
I got back to the house with the food, and Rick was NOT in a good mood at all. (I only thought the mood earlier had been bad - oh my!)
--now he did not want to get out and go with me to The Star.
--I had to warm the car up to melt the ice off the windshield before I could leave the yard here at the RV - took about 15 minutes. Which I told him it would.
--I went straight to The Star. I didn't stop to visit anyone - I didn't even see anyone!
--Got the food out of The Star, loaded it in the car, and I drove straight back here.
(we are only a few hundred yards from The Star)
--again, didn't see anyone, didn't stop to visit.
But when he opened the front door as I was getting the food out of the car - he hollers at me - "WHY DID YOU DRIVE AROUND THE PARK?" What? "I SAW YOU DRIVE AROUND HERE! WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG? WHERE WERE YOU? WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE?" Oh my word. I just looked at him. I didn't know how to respond. Unbelievable. I tried to explain what I did, as well as what I didn't do.
Needless to say - the rest of the day went down hill FAST.
I tried hard to be a "good wife" tho. I didn't argue back. I just shut up, prayed, and put the food away. I prattled on about how pretty the ice was on the trees and the fences and the RV's. His response? Go! Go take pictures if that is what you want to do! ??? I was just sharing what I had seen. Sigh.
Like I said - the rest of the day went down hill FAST. Fast enough that I had a migraine from HELL before 3 p.m. Sigh.
I know he is hurting. And I know that this life is not what he had expected, nor planned, certainly not what he dreamed. Well, (selfishly and sarcastically said here) -- I am hurting, too ... and this is not the life I had expected, planned, or dreamed EITHER! But it is the life we have ... and we should be doing our best to live the highest quality of life we can - to the glory of God our Father. Sigh.
It's hard at times like this not to think about the way things used to be for us, and between us. But on this day - every time I even tried to think about what "used to be" -- all I could come up with was the way that things COULD be, SHOULD be.
My prayer -- God, help us thru this. Rick is miserable - help him to find Peace, Love, and Joy ... in YOU. And help me not to fall victim to the "misery loves company" ways. Help me to stay strong in the faith - and to be a strength, a calming strength, a voice of reason. Help me to love him enough thru all this. O God - help us both.
Our days so far this year have just been "days". Not really good, not really bad. Just "days". Good moment in the bad days. Bad moments in the good days. Just "days". Guess just LIFE.
--Jan. 2, after a bad moment in a fairly decent day - I wrote this on Facebook --
One of the saddest things to me? Having a pretty decent/good day - even though it is cold and wet and nasty with the weather. Then, BAM! A comment from someone that you love, and a knife straight to the heart. Day feels like it just got shot to h***! Sigh. And now all that sounds good to do is find a fairly comfortable place to curl up with a favorite blankie and cry myself into a deep sleep! Sigh.
--Jan. 3. Rick had a low blood sugar. Not dangerously low. 82 - but that is a short drop to dangerously low for a dialysis patient. Of course, he said he was going to eat breakfast, so I gave him the Humalog insulin shot ... and then, he didn't eat. Arghhhh!!!!! I finally argued with him enough that he drank some orange juice and ate peanut butter and crackers. 20 minutes later his blood sugar was up to 134. Sigh.
--We watched "The Equalizer" with Denzel Washington. Oh my! Such an awesome movie! I enjoyed that so much!!!!!
--Jan. 4. We splurged for lunch - went to eat at the Brazos River Fish House. Good food. Cold wind blowing, but good food.
--Jan. 5. I have been trying to get his phosphorus binders at the Walmart pharmacy since Friday of last week. Sigh. He has refills on the prescription, but the date on the prescription has expired. The doctor's office waits on Walmart to fax over a refill notice ... and Walmart waits for the doctor's office to fax over a prescription! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!! I have been on the phone with both of them so much in the last few days! Good grief! You would think I am trying to get a grade 10 narcotic (is there even such a thing?) ... instead of Calcium Acetate - a phosphorus binder for a dialysis patient! Good grief!!!!!
--Jan. 6. We went to town. Picked up a few things at Walmart - still not his phosphorus binders, though!
Just days of LIFE. Sigh.
This should be the last post of 2014 ... just trying to catch up ... thank you for bearing with me.
Friday following Christmas Day --
I was up early, around 4:30 a.m. Just couldn't sleep. Too much pain. Too many thoughts. So, I spent time writing in my journal and praying. And then, some time on Facebook. :)
Rick got up later in the morning, and after our usual morning routine - meds and breakfast - we checked the bathrooms here in the park, hauled off the trash, and cleaned cabin 10.
The slide gate handle on our RV's grey water broke this morning when I tried to open it. So, when we finished up at the park, we went to town to try and find one. We found two - these were metal, where the ones on the RV were plastic. Rick decided that we should just go ahead and replace both the grey water and black water.
Back to the house ... and tried to fix the slide gates.
Well, Rick cannot do this stuff anymore - with the dialysis issues, and with his shoulder and hands not working right ... he can tell, but he cannot do.
And he has never been a very patient teacher! So, with him trying to tell me what to do ... was not going very well at all. You would think that after 34 years of living and working together we could do this ... well, that's what I thought, too! But sadly - NO.
After Kent came over and rescued us from either divorce or jail ... I wrote this on Facebook --
Ever have "one of those days"-you get up early enough to have your quiet time with the Lord before the day begins, feels great! You feel confident enough to storm the gates of hell with a water pistol!
And then ... the day actually begins. And it doesn't take so long for you to realize that although the Grace of God is greater than all our sin ... that confidence is shattered into a million pieces. You actually find yourself crying out to Jesus - this warrior is a child!!!
I'm not strong enough! I'm not ready for this!!!
What should be "small stuff" that we don't sweat - oh, it becomes great big things that are bigger and more important than life itself! (or so it seems at the moment!)
You try so hard just to cry out to Jesus, not throw a temper tantrum and then have to be ashamed ... You try to smile and bear all things ... You try to find the little things to be thankful for ... You try.
And then ... you realize that your "try" is gone, empty, no where to be found kind of gone. Almost like it never was there. Sigh.
--For anyone who wonders (Bettie, lol) I'm ok ... just been a stressful day - trying. Sigh.
Could really use a hug ... Jesus, hold me!!!!!
--Thank you Kent for rescuing me from disaster with my husband over a simple slide gate handle on our 5th wheel. You are the BESTEST!!!!! Love you!!!!!
Well ... think I am going to try and chill a while ... either going to pray - or look for Rum! LOL (Perhaps both! LOL) Yep - one of those - "Why is the rum gone? days" --Angel, Joshua, Dessie ... Love y'all!!!!!
And what did I do after writing that? I ate a Mexican praline. Oh so good. Oh so rich and decadent - almost felt wrong for enjoying it! And I drank a Pepsi (no Rum) - probably didn't need it either, but it was so refreshing, so good!
I also spent a little time praying, asking the Lord to help me - just to hold me. Thanking Him for His grace, His love, His mercy.
And then ... I took a NAP! :)
Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday -- worked here at the park, cleaning bathrooms. Just days ... trying to get some things done around the RV - but not having much success.
These are hard days for Rick and me. Rick is battling a lot of pain, and discouragement. There are words between us - not nice and kind words always. But not hard and hateful words always either.
Basically, I am breathing in and breathing out ... just trying to get thru these last days of 2014. Sigh.
Don Rash came over on Tuesday. Visited for a while. Oh how good to see him, to get a hug! I have missed him so much. A man of God in my life. I have missed his smile, his teasing. I have missed the security and solidness of his faith.
He handed Rick an envelope. Said that it was a gift from the Men's Sunday School class at Patillo Baptist Church. He wanted us to know that we have been on their prayer list, and this was just a love offering to us. --I opened the envelope. $500!!!!! O God.
God amazes us. He takes care of us. He is our Father. Thank you God.
Praying that God will bless each one who gave - a hundred fold and more!!!!!
I'm running behind. Well, duh. It is ME - and that is what ME does. Wonder if I will ever NOT run behind? LOL ... probably not. Oh well -- so here is the post that will finish up 2014 ... and then, on to 2015 - hopefully a little closer to "on time" ...
This was the week of Christmas ...
Friday before --
I am so thankful for good friends. Kent. He takes time out of his life to help me at least once a week, sometimes twice, to bring in dialysis solution. He can do it so much faster than me! LOL
I was pretty bummed out because of the cost of Rick's new insulin, Humalog. Waiting until next week to call Blue Cross (probably after the first of the year), and having to wait to call Dr. Greenwell's office, ask them if there is a program that can help with the cost (again, probably after the holidays).
When I picked up the October 2014 Reader's Digest, simply because I was bored, and opened it to the coupon for 5 free Humalog pens - I was ecstatic! Can God be any more good to us! Wow!
On Saturday before --
...Rick and I were at the Star, getting it ready for the Coffee Creek Christmas dinner. Mary Ann Rash came by to visit. We hugged and laughed and talked. So good to see her, and to hear good things about her and Don, and Scott. I miss them so much here! Oh how much I miss them!!!!
Before she left, she handed us an envelope from their church - I opened it and there was a check for $500 and $60 cash!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!! God is good - even thru His people.
...Coffee Creek Christmas Dinner. LOTS and LOTS of good food, great hugs, and much laughter! We ate until everyone was stuffed. Then, the tables were moved, the chairs were gathered. Miss Glenda led us in Christmas carols ... and we played Chinese Christmas. If you have never played - everyone drew a number, 26 of us. Rick got number 1 - so he chose a present first. Opened it. Showed it to everyone. Number 2 could either take Rick's present, or get one from under the tree. Number 3 could take either of the 2 presents opened, or one from under the tree. And so it goes ... we laughed, we joked, we teased. Some faces turned red ... some had tears from laughing so hard. A good time!
We cleaned up the Star, said our good nights ... last hugs ... and we all went home - with smiles on our faces, and our tummies full. A good night.
Sunday before Christmas --
Clean the bathrooms here at the park. A more lazy afternoon - resting.
Several of us decided to meet back at the Star around 6 p.m. - play cards, eat some leftovers ... cold fried chicken, ham, snack crackers, chocolate pie, pumpkin cheesecake. Laugh a lot!
Randy & Londie, Tommy & Kathry, Jeff, Steve & Janet, Rick & me. We played 9 rounds of "golf". No one was ready for the game to be over, or the evening - so we played 5 more!
About the 2nd hand to the last 5, Renee came in, and the laughter grew!
When the game was over, I had Renee read the recipe for "Captain Morgan's Christmas Fruitcake" - and the only way to read it is to read it out loud. Oh my! The laughter turned to tears! LOL
After cleaning bathrooms, we went into Santo and cashed the check from the church. Such nice people there at the bank. We enjoyed punch and cookies, too :) LOL.
...On to Mineral Wells. Buy a few groceries, get a few things we needed.
Pharmacy honored the coupon for Rick's Humalog - Thank you God! At least this gives me some breathing room. Time to (1) see if it is going to work (2) if it does work, call Blue Cross and find out why the co-pay is so much more, and (3) call Dr. Greenwell's office.
Rick bought me a very nice electric skillet. Now, I have an electric skillet, a crock pot, a microwave, and an electric oven! I can COOK! Don't need no propane! Thank you God!
We spent some time just looking around at Walmart. Enjoyed just being out of the house.
Stopped at the Dollar Tree and picked up a few things.
Christmas Eve's eve ... Tuesday --
We cleaned bathrooms. And then enjoyed a lazy afternoon. Rick took a nap - and so did I. Oh it felt so good!!!!!
My Dish Internet has not been working right the last 3 weeks. And it hasn't worked at all in the last week - which is one reason these posts are so far behind. (Well, it's my story, and I'm sticking to it!)
I called them late Monday evening (yesterday). The tech tells me that since we are living in an RV that they can not send a repair tech out here. That the problem lies in us moving from one park to another. ? What? I tried to explain to him that we have NOT been moving this trailer. It sits right here in Lot 74! Rather than argue with a guy who knew nothing about our life ... I asked to speak to an account specialist.
Very nice man - listened ... and offered a solution.
...He agreed to send a tech out here on Christmas Eve.
...he is also sending a program line up card for the tv service, so that Rick can hold it, read it, and decide if he wants to change program packages or not.
...and he gave me a $100 credit on our bill!!!!! Wow!!! Just Wow!!! God is good!!!!! Thank you God for this!!!! It helps so much!!!!!
I also talked with Dessie - they are fixing Christmas lunch, and we are invited to come over and enjoy the day with them. :) ... For the last 3 months or so, with schedules, work and school - the times we have seen them have been "in and outs" - you know, those rush in, visit a minute, maybe eat a bite, and rush out times. It will be good to get there a little before lunch, and spend the afternoon just being together! Looking forward to it. Praying it will be a GOOD day for Rick, for all of us.
Christmas Eve -- up early. Spend some quality time with the Lord, sharing my heart, and listening to what He says. Praying over Rick, for the kids and grandkids, praying for our families and our friends. Seeking the Lord for some decisions that need to be made - and asking for direction in our life.
Clean bathrooms ...
Clean the RV ... deep clean it!
I'm tired ...
Christmas Day --
I know that Christmas is about the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus.
But this year? A sadness was upon me, and I just could not get to that "Merry" point. Sigh. Just could not seem to say those words - to anyone - "Merry Christmas". I'm sorry ...
We went over to Joshua and Dessie's for lunch ... for hugs ... for laughter. We ate - they had fixed a BBQ turkey - oh my! It was sooooo good!!! We had never had one before - but oh so good!
And after lunch, we played "Golf" with cards. Laughed until we hurt! It was good to laugh!
I think we both needed that time with the kids and grandkids. Oh how much we needed it!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here