We all know that life can, and does, change in a moment.
A storm that moves thru the area, or a wildfire completely out of control.
Thru a word spoken by a boss.
Or words from a “friend”, even a family member.
And … Life changes.
In the last month there has been so many of those changes in my life that I sit here this morning with my 2nd cup of coffee and simply shake my head in wonder and amazement that I still breathe … I still fight.
In the course of 10 days, my family took 5 hits of death. Suicide. Short term illness. Long term illness. Expected, and totally unexpected. Shock. Sorrow. Regrets of not enough words spoken before that moment that death claimed.
We all know it takes time to even begin the healing after 1 death. So, the very thought of 5 in a time of 10 days? Overwhelming. One heartbreak upon another. So many lives forever altered when the beating of hearts stop.
I have watched the news with a broken heart, and with horror showing on my face – storms of such great intensity and crazy patterns … wildfires out of control … seeing the destruction left … and witnessing the coming together of peoples who give no thought to race or religion, or even to political differences – just a coming together to take care of one another in a time of crisis.
A meeting with the boss.
A paper signed.
A contract of almost a year terminated.
A job over.
A place to call “home” taken, because it was part of the compensation package.
Working 5 days after the paper signed, and then, walk away.
A quick trip with my son to look at an RV … thoughts and prayers … conversations that followed … a lot of hours in packing, moving, setting the RV up, repairing and putting some healing (hopefully) touches on this RV that was severely neglected and mistreated … costs that I really cannot afford, but somehow did.
And here I sit this morning.
Paradise RV Park, just outside of Graham TX. On the banks of the Brazos River. Looking out the window, watching the birds, the squirrels, and seeing a feral hog with her baby on the shoreline of the river. A 2nd cup of coffee at hand. Quiet music playing in the background. A thousand thoughts flowing thru my mind. And starting a new job come Sunday morning at 8:45 a.m.
How is this just the 25th of March?
February 23, I sent a message to my children that my job was ending, and that I had to be out of the cottage. There are few times in my life that I can remember feeling so lost, so alone, so afraid … as well as confused, a bit angry and having to fight so much resentment – all at the same moment. The assurances of my children and my grandchildren carried me thru those dark thoughts and moments – with promises of hope, help, and that it would all work out. In the words of more than one, “Losing a job, or a home, is not always a bad thing”. With the strength of the Lord giving me courage, hope and a way to make it thru.
One of the last RV parks that Rick and I stayed at together, was right here. The name was different. The park looked a bit different too. But the location was the same. That was in 2014, so I can’t clearly remember if I am now parked in the exact location or not. But if not, I am close to it.
There is a bittersweetness to being here. The memories of being here with him. The memories of when life was more better. The memories of when our grandkids were little and spending time with us. The memories of when CR was still alive. It still amazes me to realize how memories can be both bitter … and sweet. And how very real the sounds, the sights, even the smells, can be of those memories. Sometimes the memories are like a soothing calming rain to a dry and parched ground … and sometimes, well, those same memories are like gut punches that literally take my breath away – but not in a good way!
This RV is a 2004 Forest River Wildcat. 5th wheel. It’s about 32’ – 34’ feet long. With one large slide in the living room area. I knew when I looked at it that it was not “perfect”, even for its age. But goodness! I did not realize the depths of neglect and abuse it had taken! Nor what it would take to make it more livable. Laughing as I write this, but there have been times (and probably will be many more yet) that laughing was not even the last thing on my mind!
I do not know the reasons for the abuse and neglect. Some of it was obviously from a very disturbed individual – as the pictures will attest to.
The price was such a good one that I just could not say “no” – especially when he took $2000 off the day we looked at it! Structurally, it is mostly sound. Thankfully! A few things that needed, or still need, attention. Cosmetically? Well, it’s not a total disaster 😉 But a LOT of work to be done. Some has been accomplished … and more will continue.
I am thankful for the RV.
Rick and I lived in our RV’s for about the last 15 years of our years together. I love the lifestyle. Course, I am finding out that things a LOT different now … simply because I am a woman alone, a widow, rather than married to the “jack of all trades”.
This is a challenge … and an adventure. I know that not everyone agrees with what I have done – either in buying it to live in, or in the way I have repaired & decorated it. But … this is mine. No one else is being asked to live in it. I sit here in the evenings and look around, and realize just how far I have come since that first walk thru before the decision was made to purchase. And yes, I am well pleased. Not content yet, lol – because there is much that still needs done.
My thoughts, ideas, dreams and hopes, tend to run a bit rampant at times. And my reality brings it all back into focus. But here I am. Full-time RV’ing once again. Living the “tiny” life, alone this time. Thankful for the years of doing this with Rick – as I remember the do’s, the don’ts, the can have’s, and the don’t even think about it’s!
Rick and I were always careful in choosing names. Whether for our children, our animals, our vehicles, or our homes. Think that comes from being Scottish (him) and Irish (me) as well as Native Americans (both of us). Names always held special meanings to us. So, in purchasing this RV, and working on it so much these last 2 weeks … I have thought and prayed about a name for this home of mine.
ASHA. Means Hope and Promise. It fits 😉
Oh, the new job?
I start working in the housekeeping department of Holiday Inn Express come Sunday morning. Changing sheets, dusting and cleaning. I met with the manager yesterday. She told me that I will have about 5 days of training to go thru – learning to clean to their standards and ways. She is going to work with me on the hours, so that I will not work more than about 25 hours per week.
I think about what that will be like. To have time in the mornings for my devotional moments, as well as a cup of coffee or two … not pack for overnight stays … just drive to work for a few hours - - and then come HOME. I know it will be strange to me. Lol. But I really think it will be one of the best stranges to happen!
What will it be like to not pour my whole life, soul, and time (as well as money) into a job? To actually have TIME OFF that is away from the work?
I thought about the last time I had such a job. When our kids were in grade-school. I worked for a time as a cook at the teacher’s daycare. About 20-25 hours a week. Went to work. Came home. Job done each day.
This will be a new challenge to me 😉
But one that I am looking forward to.
So, yes. Life changes. And sometimes the changes pile up on top of one another, and you cannot think straight, nor get a deep breath. Changes that take time to pick apart and work thru. Changes that require extra tears, more sleep, and finding a way to combat the loneliness and fears.
Thankful that there are Changes that seem cruel in the moment, but in the words of my son – “aren’t always a bad thing, Momma”.
Now, just to get Internet here so that I can post this to my blog! LOL
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here