Life bites hard sometimes.
It has been a whirlwind since the last blog I wrote on the 11th of April.
: I received a phone call from a company in Graham, replying to my request for information about a job back in February. A request that I do not remember making. But we talked, and she wanted me to come in for an interview. So I did, Monday the 12th. Filled out the application, had the interview on the spot, and was told that they would get back with me.
I explained 2 things.
1. I do not want to work full time. I don't mind working, but I have things to do that aren't part of the job, too.
2. I cannot make more than what my allowance is with the widow benefits.
The next day, April 13th, I received the call that I had been hired! With my first day scheduled as Thursday, April 15th.
I am working for a company called Seniorly Yours, out of Graham, TX.
It is an in-home caregiving service. With 2 assisted living residential houses as well.
I cook for the clients. Clean the house. Make sure they take their medications. Insure blood sugar is checked, if needed. And be their companion while I am there. We talk, we laugh, we watch TV. And I watch over them while they sleep.
My shifts are from 6 hours once a day, to 24 hours with 2 or 3 days at a time.
The job comes with a monthly salary that is just below my limits, so that is awesome!
It also comes with a small apartment! All utilities covered! Even more awesome!
This will not only allow me to be closer to work, greatly reducing fuel costs ... but it also allows me to be a bit closer to my son and his family, as well as in a position of being more available to them.
And it puts me about 30 minutes closer to my daughter as well.
Now, I am living in disarray! LOL
Boxes, totes, garbage bags (is there anything better for bedding and pillows?!?) surround me in this apartment at PK Lake.
I am going to be moving what I can today and tomorrow, then on Wednesday afternoon, my son and grandson are supposed to come over and help me finish the moving.
Thankfully the company gave me this whole week OFF so that I can get moved, settled in a bit, and take care of some errands before starting the new schedule on Saturday, May 1.
I will be co-manager at one of the resident assisted living homes.
2 precious ladies will be my clients there.
I have stayed with them 3-24 hour shifts since I started work.
They are absolute treasures!!!
I also stayed with a gentleman who has adamantly requested me as his ONLY "day girl", lol - simply because he likes my cooking! LOL I promised him that even if they did not send me back to stay with him, that I would go visit with him, and bring him some homemade foods ;) He's a mess! Not hard to have fallen in love with him!
I've said for a good many years now that a good day always follows a bad day ... and a bad day follows a good one. It's the cycle of life.
These last 12 days have been absolute proof of those words.
I was hired on April 13 by Seniorly Yours.
April 14 was my son's birthday.
I drove over and spent the afternoon with them. We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed cake.
And I came back to this apartment so that I could rest up for my first assignment with Seniorly Yours.
Thursday morning, 2 hours into my first shift, Joshua called me. 3 times. Back to back.
All the kids and grandkids know that if I do not answer on the first call, give me some time and I will call you back.
But they also know that if it is an emergency, call me 3 times back to back.
My heart froze. And I held my breath as I called Joshua.
Just his voice told me something was dreadfully wrong. My mind was racing. My heart knew it was a death call. But who? And what had happened?
A moment of silence ... and then I heard.
"CR had a wreck last night. He rolled his truck. He didn't make it. Momma, CR died."
My mind crashed as my heart broke. I swear you could have heard the pieces of my heart falling if you had been there.
13 years ago, my son and his wife adopted a small boy who had a terrible home life. They tried to formally adopt him, but it didn't work out that way. Yet, CR became OURS. Fully and completely OURS.
And we had watched that boy grow up into a fine young man. He graduated high school against all odds. He was enrolled in college. He had hopes and dreams. He had the passion for life.
I wonder where he was going at 9'ish on the night of the 14th? We think he may have been coming over to Joshua's - because it was Joshua's birthday, and CR loved him with all his heart.
Why did he swerve as he was driving? Was it a hog like they think it was?
He over corrected - went down an embankment, thru a fence, hit a tree, and rolled many times.
At some point he was ejected. Did the seatbelt break?
Official report is that there was no alcohol involved, and that he died on impact.
The one thought that I have to keep pushing away - did he know what was going on? How long did he know? At what "impact" was he killed.
My heart is broken.
The pieces will eventually be pulled back together.
But the scars will forever be there.
Etching my grandson's name.
The family night was brutal.
The funeral even more so.
I am so proud of my grandchildren, they way that they loved CR. They way that they showed their love to him.
Not one of us will ever be the same.
Even though life goes on,
and this world doesn't stop for my broken heart.
Friday, April 23, 2021 -
6 years since that last kiss with Rick.
6 years since I looked into his eyes.
6 years since I have heard his voice.
How is that even possible?
We rarely went 6 hours without talking - for 35 years.
- even when he was working, before the advent of cell phones ... he would find a pay phone, or use the office phone, just to call me and say, "I Love You"
We never went 6 days without seeing each other.
So how is it possible that 6 YEARS have passed?
How does life go on?
How does the world keep turning?
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.
All thru these last 15 days, I have written in my journal, spoken the words, had the words spoken to me - JUST BREATHE.
Some days ...
Some nights ...
It's all I can do!
There are times when life moves along one step in front of the other. And honestly? That seems to happen only on occasion for me these last few years. For me it is more like 1 step forward, 2 to the left, 1 to the right backwards, 3 straight back, 4 going in a circle, and maybe on a good day, 1 more forward. I have learned different ways of coping, the main one being to Just Breathe. No matter where I am, no matter who I am with, no matter what I am doing - Just Breathe. This moment will pass, too. Look for the reason, or maybe the lesson. And especially look for the blessing. More often than not, there are secret treasures hidden all along the day's path, and it is up to us to find those treasures, so that we can appreciate them.
I remember when our kids were little. We didn't always do a big Easter egg hunt. Oh, they always got a basket of goodies. And they always had an Easter egg hunt. But depending on where we were living, and what was going on that day, there were times when we would hide the treasures in the house - and when we did that, sometimes those treasures were not all found in that one day. The first time it was such a joy and blessing to hear their squeals several days after Easter when they found a treasure, that it became something to be done on purpose. Hide things in unexpected places. A new pencil or pen. A bookmarker. A small toy. A special book. Maybe a candy treat, if I was sure it would be found before it was too late, lol.
I learned that from God.
God, does that. He hides treasures all in our days. He knows the end from the beginning. So it is no surprise to Him where we will be on a given day, or what we will be doing. But just as it gave Rick and I great pleasure and joy in hearing the kids laughter and squeals ... it gives God great joy when we do the same. The Bible says that God takes great delight in us.
Psalm 149:4 - "For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He adorns the humble with salvation."
Psalm 147:11 - "But the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in His steadfast Love."
I don't want to deprive God of His pleasure. There's too much hatred and ugliness in the world as it is. Even God should be allowed to smile, to laugh out loud, to find pleasure. May He in me.
I am working my way thru writing a book.
It is not the book I thought I would write. But, I am working as the Lord leads my heart.
Only He knows what He wants to do with it beyond me writing it.
There is much thought and prayer going into it. And I know there will be much more before it is finished.
Thought I would share the Introduction here.
A Widow's Dare to Love
- by Margaret McCoy, with God's help
A journey into loving myself the way God does.
Dedicated to my Sweetheart.
Rick, you taught me the real meaning of loving and of being loved - every day.
Not just on holidays or special days.
This is the book that you always wanted me to write.
- well one of them ;)
I love you.
Forever and always - to infinity and beyond!!!
- your Beloved Megan Lee.
Chapter 1 (or Introduction)
I just watched the movie, "Fireproof", again. First, let me say what an excellent movie it is! I have read blogs and articles that attacked it as being "unBiblical" or detrimental to relationships. But, done right? With the right heart and spirit? It WORKS!!! Rick and I learned that. We proved that.
Before I pushed "play" this evening, I stopped a moment and asked God one question, well, more than one really ;) - "Lord, what can I learn from this tonight? Why even watch it? I am no longer a wife. I am a widow. But surely there is something here for me, or the urging to watch it would not be so strong."
Push play. Watch the movie with an open mind and a seeking heart.
In the last few minutes of the movie, the tears began to flow hot, sticky and heavy down my cheeks. I miss Rick SO very much.
So, did I take away anything for ME, as a widow? Yes.
A 40-day challenge to love God, who is now my Husband. Isaiah 54:5 - "For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is His name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called."
And to love myself, Rick's widow, as God loves me.
First, I must answer this question: WHO AM I?
*I am a Christian
*I was Rick's wife
*I am Rick's widow
*I am momma to Angel and to Joshua
*I am Grannee to Elijah, Brooklyn, Shell and Kyla
*I am mother in law to Dessie
*I wear a lot of different hats with family and friends
But thru the years, my roles have changed, my life has rearranged. I am no longer needed like I was once. Sometimes I have even wondered if I am any more wanted.
So, I sit here this evening, asking myself, "Who are you, Margaret? Really? Where is your identity? What is your worth? What is your value?"
These are hard questions any time in life. Near impossible questions to answer in the emptiness of the night, with tears streaking my face.
I know it's time to answer them.
WHO AM I?
I am a bruised reed.
A faintly burning wick.
Holding to my promise from God: "A bruised reed He will not break, and a faintly burning wick He will not quench." Isaiah 42:3
"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:4
Part of the Holy People, Redeemed of the Lord
"And they shall be called The Holy People, The Redeemed of the Lord." Isaiah 62:12
I am Blessed. Ephesians 1:3
I am Chosen. Ephesians 1:4
I am Holy. Ephesians 1:4
I am Blameless. Ephesians 1:4
I am Predestined. Ephesians 1:5,11
I am Adopted. Ephesians 1:5
I am Redeemed. Ephesians 1:7
I am Forgiven. Ephesians 1:7
I am to the praise of His Glory. Ephesians 1:12
I am Sealed with the Holy Spirit. Ephesians 1:13
I am Called with a Hope. Ephesians 1:18
I am part of the Body of Christ. Ephesians 1:22-23
I am Alive. Ephesians 2:5
I am Saved. Ephesians 2:5,8
I am Raised up. Ephesians 2:6
I am God's workmanship. Ephesians 2:10
I am Created in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:10
I am Near to God. Ephesians 2:13
I am Reconciled. Ephesians 2:16
I am no longer a stranger or an alien. Ephesians 2:19
I am a Citizen in the House of God. Ephesians 2:19
I am a Dwelling Place for God. Ephesians 2:22
I am - all of this and so much more!!!
Not because of who I am in myself. Not because of anything I have done. I do not deserve God's Grace.
But I am because of the Great I AM!
Because of what HE has done. Because of Who HE is!
I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. Romans 8:15 & Galatians 4:7
That is WHO I AM.
That is my identity.
That is my worth.
That is my value.
I am a Child of God.
And as a child of God, I am loved.
If God has loved me enough for Jesus, His Only Begotten Son, to die on the Cross, then I am enough to be loved by me, too.
Jesus said that we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Matthew 22:39
If we don't love ourselves, then how do we love others?
Not fully and completely as God wants us to, as God commands us to. And not as God loves them.
This is NOT about the whole "ME" generation we see so prevalent in our society these days.
God loves us first. We love Him back. And we show our love to HIm by loving others.
But how can we say we love God, we love others, and yet hate (or detest) ourselves?
Do we not know who we are?
I am a child of God. Romans 8:15 & Galatians 4:7
We take care of ourselves, sometimes spending a great amount of time, energy and money on ourselves.
Is it because it is expected of us by society?
Are just trying to keep us with the Karen's or the Jones's of our world?
Are we compelled to do this because of TV, movies, and advertising?
Are we trying to make a good impression on those around us?
Are we trying to fix an inward problem with an outward solution?
Dig deep into your heart, and answer this for yourself.
What does it mean to love ourselves as God loves us?
So that we may learn what it is to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.
This is my journey in daring to love me like God does, and like God wants me to love others.
"A Widow's Dare to Love"
It is loosely based on "The Love Dare". But with personal inward applications. Interspersed with some stories of my Sweetheart and our Loving Life together.
Perhaps there will be another book, I can feel the stirrings of the words deep within me as I write the words for this one.
I do not know what I am doing in writing, Lol - but God knows.
He wrote a Bestseller, so I figure He has the wisdom and direction I need to get this in print. :)
All I can do is to do my very best, and then leave the results up to God.
I resolve to give it all I have.
Then simple trust in Jesus and Just Breathe.
Sitting here with a lot on my mind this evening. Wondering what to write, where to start. And praying about how much to share.
One of Rick's last requests was that I continue with this website and blog, and that I make sure I am being brutally honest - even if it is out of my comfort zone. Every time I hold back much at all, I hear his voice pleading with me, and encouraging me by saying, "Honey, if by being brutally honest, you being out of your comfort zone, just ONE person is helped, inspired, strengthened or encouraged, then all of this will not have been in vain."
It would be easier if he were here to read these words and give me his approval. Just saying.
But here goes, yet again:
At 6 years out, I often feel far removed from the overwhelming intensity of the pain that I once knew.
But, sometimes, I pull myself back into that pain.
*When talking, or praying, for a new widow/widower, or one who is having that gut punch in this new reality of life alone.
That one needs me to remember how I felt in those darkest moments.
When I was on the floor sobbing so hard that I was afraid I would die, or rather afraid I would not.
When I was absolutely convinced there was no way I was going to make it to my next breath, let alone the next hour, the next day, and forget about the next year!
When I couldn't think straight.
When my vulnerability allowed me to put myself into a compromising situation that took God Himself to intervene and get me out of.
When the best I could hope for was to Just Breathe.
Someone needs me to meet them where they are in their moment.
Letting them know with absolute assurance that this is only a moment in their time, and it shall surely pass.
They need to know that there is Hope, in their nightmare, in our nightmare - someone before them has survived the worst.
And so shall they.
*I also pull myself back into that pain in order to feel closer to my Sweetheart.
Yes, I can now feel close to Rick during moments of laughter and joy, but there are times that I want to feel that pain again.
As weird as it sounds to someone who isn't on the journey, it's real.
Maybe it's just for reminding myself of that love and bond that we shared, in sickness and in health, in being richer and in being poorer, in the bad times as well as in the good times.
Maybe it's to in some surreal way remind myself that this really happened, it's not just a nightmare that I can't wake up from.
Maybe it's to feel, at least in my memories, that surrounding of family and friends in those first days.
*I pull myself back into that pain to remind myself of how far I have come in these 6 years.
Because in those first days, weeks, months, there was no Hope, no Faith, to even begin believing that I would survive such unimaginable pain as losing my heart and soul.
To even think in those hours that I would somehow survive the pain that we both endured in those last 4 months was impossible.
And yet, here I am. Day after night. Night after day.
Sometimes thriving with the kids and grandkids.
Sometimes enduring loneliness.
Sometimes enjoying the fellowship of family and friends.
Sometimes with the raging emotions that are raw and sore.
But still here, and still fighting my way thru it all.
To everyone on this widow's walk, no matter how long you have been on this road, when you are overwhelmed with that horrifying intensity of raw grief?
You are stronger than you know.
You can do this.
When you cannot see the light in your darkness, look to those who have come before you as the strength you need to just breathe.
And remember, there is always someone farther along that you are, but there is always someone coming up behind you, too.
You are NOT alone.
You are LOVED.
You are NEEDED.
Yesterday was my 6th Easter without Rick.
Easter was a day of celebration because the remembrance of Jesus rising from the dead. But again, Rick was not all about holidays. He said so many times thru the years that if we could not celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord every day of our lives, then he was not going to be a party to the once-a-year-putting-on-a-show.
So, the hardest part of yesterday to me was in seeing all the family photos, and missing mine.
I was blessed to be with our son and his bunch for a cow working, though.
Not that I work cattle. I cook.
I can work cattle. Have done it. But these days, I serve as the cook.
And yesterday was simple hot dogs, chips and drinks. Cookies and cupcakes rounded out the break time for lunch.
I didn't get a lot of pictures, but here are the ones that I did get:
Next Saturday is a Youth Ranch Rodeo, I will get more pictures there! ;)
I am working hard to get some things caught up and done.
Been going thru stuff at hand, and on the computer.
Trying to get things a bit more organized and into a format that I can handle no matter where I am.
I know that my time in the apartment is coming to an end. Most likely, 56 days left here at the most.
This apartment has been good for me in some ways, allowing me time to pray, to seek God with all my heart and all my time. It has given me some sleep and much needed down time.
It has kept me cool on the hotter Texas days/nights ... but also warm on the colder Texas days/nights.
It has also drained every penny of my savings.
And I can no longer afford to be here.
I was concerned when I rented it. But I had hoped there would be a job, that somehow it might work.
There is nothing.
I have applied for financial aid thru the state, but have been denied because I make $55.50 too much to qualify for help.
Being told yet again, "I'm sorry, but you are one of the unfortunate ones that falls thru the cracks of our society."
I have also applied for food stamps (The Lone Star card). If approved, after jumping thru all their hoops and forms, she said that I would be getting $19 a month.
I know that God is my Provider, but it's hard not to get frustrated with a system that rewards liars and cheaters and punishes the people who live by honesty and integrity. Sigh.
God has promised to take care of me ... meeting all my needs according to His riches in Glory thru Christ Jesus. And He has promised to set the lonely into families. As well as establishing the boundaries of the widows.
In Him I trust.
However, I'm a little trepidatious, wondering how things are going to go.
But holding to the promise in Psalm 56 - "When I am afraid, I will trust in the Lord."
I know that the Bible tells us 365 times "Do not fear" ... but I think this verse is one of my favorite concerning fear.
Because of that first word, WHEN.
God knows my heart is trusting Him. He also knows that my mind is afraid. He understands the conflict between being a human, and being a child of God.
How does He understand?
Think about it. Jesus was ALL God. But Jesus was also ALL man, human.
Hebrews tells us that Jesus was tempted in every way as we are, He had to be in order to be our Great Savior.
So, yes, I am afraid. Change is scary to me - especially these days without Rick's arms around me.
But, I am trusting in the Lord. Because He holds me, tighter and more secure than Rick in all his love ever could.
Not sure at this point what I am going to do, nor where I am going to go.
Still praying about it all.
Waiting to see what direction God will take my life.
I know this above all things though -
I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.
And the desire of my heart?
Whatever brings Him the Glory.
I would love to have an RV.
Rick and I lived in our 3 different ones for about 15 years of our marriage. And I loved it!
I love the lifestyle. I love what he called my "little shoebox".
I have found several jobs that are in the area of my son and/or daughter. Close enough to still spend time with them and the grandkids.
BUT they each one require an RV.
I have been looking for an RV, too.
And I have found several between $3000 - $5000.
- some are ready to move in to, which would allow me to begin a job sooner.
- some are needing to be worked on, mainly cosmetic issues inside. While that would be interesting and fun (done it before ;) ), it would also delay getting a job. But it would allow some personal time with my kids and grandkids as they have all said they would help me do whatever needs done to one.
I have been questioned about my fear of tornadoes when considering living in an RV.
I understand the questions. But look back at the tornadoes that have hit Texas and other southern states just this year.
Were only RV's destroyed?
No. Brick homes that had been there for years. Houses made of wood destroyed. Mobile homes were ripped apart.
When a tornado strikes? Little to nothing is safe, unless it is underground.
And living underground poses its own set of risks and hazards.
No, I do not like the "t" word when a storm is brewing.
Yes, I will sit wherever I am, staring at the radar screen and praying with all my heart!
And it doesn't matter what kind of house I am in!
One year, Rick and I waited out a tornado warning and hail storm for 3 hours in a storm shelter! I was just as afraid. I prayed just as hard.
So, yeah, when I am afraid, I will trust in the Lord!!!
I still would like to have an RV.
I have committed this to the Lord, and I believe if it is His will that I have one, He will work it out.
Nothing is impossible to the Lord. He is able, more than capable, to do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever hope for or imagine.
So, as His, I am in His Hands, for whatever He wants me to do, wherever He wants me to be, and whatever He wants me to live in.
It's hard sometimes to live in Faith.
I long for roots, while wanting wings.
And more than not, I feel like I am stuck in mud that is eyelid deep, just spinning my wheels.
Again, that struggle between being human, a woman, a widow ... and being a child of God.
Good night for now.
I have a long next few days.
Should prove for some interesting writing ;)
Thank You for reading.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here