These 5 years

5 years now.
5 years since I have seen into Rick's eyes
5 years since I have felt his touch
5 years April 23, 2015 when Rick drew his final breath
Here upon this earth
5 years April 25, 2015 when I saw his face for the last
5 years April 26, 2015 when we gathered
As family and friends to celebrate a life well lived
5 years April 27, 2015 when everyone returned to their homes
Their lives moving forward
Their hearts stepping into healing 
5 years that I have been a widow

Time amazes me
How can it be so slow, while going so fast? 
We were constant companions and partners in life
He was my Sweetheart
I was his Beloved
We seldom spent more than an 8 hour work day away from one another
And the last few years of his life, after the kids were grown, we worked together
Miles and hours spent in each others' company
We were so much more than husband and wife
We were best friends at the core of our relationship 
And everything else grew out of that
We truly were in a "fellow-ship" with one another

Then, life fell apart
Dreams were left undone
My heart was left broken,
My life was shattered on the floor
Not sure of anything any more
More questions than answers
God seemed an eternity away from my heart
Abandoned I was
Lonely & scared
What choice did I have 
Strong I had to be 

It's been a tough 5 years for me
I've made choices and decisions based on what I assumed was the best for me,
for my children and my grandchildren
And life fell apart yet again
Just when I thought I was getting my feet under me
Just when I thought life might actually work out
Just when I thought I had purpose, a reason to get up in the mornings
Life jerked it all away
Rudely
Hatefully
Left me crumpled in a corner yet again

What could I do but cry out to God
God who was always there
God who was wiping away my tears
God who wept with me
God who held me even while I struggled against His embrace
Crying out to Him 
I found His heart of Amazing Grace
I felt His hands of mercy covering me
I heard His voice singing over me, 
Quieting me with His love. 

Now held by Him
No judgment from His heart
No condemnation from His voice
Only Love & Grace
Holding me in His warm embrace
Never again will I need to stand alone
For the God of angel armies is always by my side
Unending Love is now my Strength
Often still this warrior is a child
And when fear assails
I simply Trust in Jesus
Knowing He knows me
He is God, I don't have to be

God has brought me home to Him
Giving me roots yet again in His Word
Setting me up on angel's wings 
Guarded and protected
Guided moment by moment
Day by day
Still stumbling and faltering
But I don't have to do this alone any longer
God holds my hand
The tears still come
But Jesus wept, too.

Where will life take me from here? 
Only Heaven knows
and now? 
I'm ok with that