Sometimes you read something that absolutely explodes in your heart, mind and soul - today, this was it for me!
“I am at the point in my life that I do not expect too much from people anymore.
If you want to get out of my life, I will not stop you.
If unfriending me makes you happy, go ahead.
If the efforts I make do not get reciprocated, that’s fine.
If you can’t equate my love for you, I will respect that.
If you do not like me, I can accept that.
It takes maturity to reach this point.
It takes self-love to be on this level.
It is just that it is too tiring to please people.
It is so messed up to beg for people to be a part of your life.
It is pointless to force someone to be on the same page with you.
I am at the point in my life where if you stay, you’re mine, and if you are not, then I let go.
It is too tiring to keep on forcing things to happen.
It is too painful to see your efforts getting unnoticed.
It is not worth it to beg for someone just to let them see how much you love them.
It is not worth chasing people because you deserve better.
It is too unnecessary to force friendships.
It is too tiring to make reconciliation for people who do not deserve it.
Do not regret anything, especially if you made efforts to make it work in the past.
Focus on your life.
Focus on people who love you.
After all, that is the only thing constant in this world.”
I do not know the author of these words, but they are the wisdom to my life, and the echo of my heart.
I wonder if Sundays will continue to the be the hardest day of the week?
I know that the memories play their part too well on these days.
Remembering the Sundays of my past.
When at home with Daddy and Momma, these were the days of church and Sunday dinners, afternoons with the brothers and sisters gathered round. Often other family members, friends, or neighbors, would drop by for a glass of sweet tea or lemonade and a bit of porch sitting and tall-tale telling.
When with Rick for those almost 35 years, these were the days of church, then Sunday dinner with parents or grandparents, often a porch sitting time with them. Sometimes it meant a long motorcycle ride with Rick, or a back road country drive with the kids.
As life changed, and these Sundays became more just Rick and me, we would use these days to simply rest and be lazy - together. Wrapped up in one another on the couch while sleepily watching a movie. Maybe tangled up in the sheets taking a nap. Sometimes huddled near the fireplace on a cold winter's Sunday. But always together.
Since Rick has been gone, Sundays have been a struggle.
When spent with the kids and grandkids, they are always better - because the laughter and the love. Even when we have been working, or at a rodeo, a playday, or just taking that back road lazy drive.
When spent with other family and friends, they are better then too. Lazy talking. Slow walking thru the day.
When working, they are bearable. Even though these days make my heart heart for the elderly. Because they, too, remember those busy days of yester-years gone. And they ache for companionship, for conversation, to get out and go ... and yet, they sit alone, or almost alone. Sunday after Sunday.
When there is a Sunday where I am alone, more often these days than not - well, it's a struggle to just breathe sometimes.
My memories are too fresh.
My emotions are too raw.
The past doesn't seem that far away.
Seems so close that I can still hear the laughter, still smell the dinners, still feel the plates in my hands under the hot soapy water.
I can feel the sway of the porch swing, or the squeak of the rocker.
I have found that taking a long Sunday nap does help ... in a way.
But then, waking up alone doesn't.
I watch a movie, and whether I enjoy it or not ... there is no one to discuss it with.
Social media doesn't help ... not on Sundays.
Sundays have become a day to be endured.
A day to focus on breathing in and breathing out.
A day to let the tears fall freely.
To feel the ache of emptiness and loneliness.
To sit with my memories and speak out loud to them - sometimes to come closer, and sometimes ... well, just go away and leave me be!
I have been told to "just turn it over to the Lord", to "draw near to Him", to spend my day worshipping Him.
Course, this is told to me by those who have spouses, or families and friends, around them.
I have spent my whole Sunday with my Bible open, reading it, praying for myself as well as for others, listening to (and singing along with) praise & worship music.
It's still being alone.
God is a Spirit.
God is altogether wonderful.
God is amazing.
God is God.
A widow misses skin.
I started reading the book of Lamentations today, and I was quickly reminded that God gets it. He understands the emptiness and the loneliness of my heart, mind and life. No matter how I try to fill the hours ... I am still alone ... and lonesome. Especially on Sundays.
Days to be endured.
Days to breathe.
Days that end blessedly on Monday.
It’s been a little over 3 weeks since I last wrote
I wonder sometimes how time can seem to move so slow, yet speed by ... how does time get so mixed up?
I have now been working for Seniorly Yours for about a month.
- and am in place at the resident house.
- my schedule has me there 2 days on, 2 days off, and then working every other weekend.
- the ladies are precious. Miss L is a sweetheart! And Miss R? Well, she’s a hoot!
The job came with a small apartment. Well, more like a wee little cottage than an apartment. About the size of a large master bedroom with an attached bathroom. No kitchen. A small frig, and space along the wall to put a table that I might have a toaster oven, coffee pot, burner, and soon - a crock pot.
- the bed was not comfortable anyway, so I have taken it down and replaced it with an electric recliner. The last lift chair I had was hard and actually uncomfortable. It served its purpose in helping me get up from sitting when I had my cancer surgery, but it just wasn’t fluffy. This one is! It feels like arms wrapped around me holding me when I sit there. The first night, I sat down and powered back with my feet up at 6:30 p.m. When I woke up it was 6:30 a.m.!!! I have not slept for 12 hours in YEARS!!! I was more tired than I thought! LOL
- I have one corner of the room with a table for my desk, looking out 2 windows. I get to see the birds at the bird feeder, and the squirrels along the fence top. Occasionally the squirrel gets too close to the bird feeder and the birds are NOT happy with him! LOL
- having this wee little cottage provided is going to allow me to actively prepare for what I am praying for. An RV. There’s not enough room in this cottage for much, and with no cost involved, it will allow me to save money. I’ve started a wish list on both Walmart and Amazon for things I think I would like to have in an RV. And I am going to be saving money towards those things - whether I buy them there or not. My Pinterest is taking on a different look, too - ideas and thoughts, it’s a good place to bulletin board those.
- God has the final authority for my life. He may not have the plans for me to get an RV, and that’s ok. But until He shows me clearly “no”, then I will continue to prepare for what I am praying for.
There are moments when missing CR comes over me and even at work, there are tears.
I miss that boy more than I can say.
He’s on my mind every day.
Loving him changed my heart. So it’s no surprise that losing him has changed me, too.
I sat here this morning at the breakfast nook table, drinking my coffee, watching the morning break thru the trees and clouds
And my thoughts turned, of course, to Rick.
I found myself writing these words in my journal:
God, here I am, Rick’s widow:
Will there always be that part of me that stomps her foot, with a pouty face, and says, “I don’t want to be his widow!” ? ? ?
That insists I was a better wife than widow
That struggles and rebels with the mornings alone and quiet
That fights with the lonely nights
God, while there is an acceptance of being his widow
There’s rebellion in my heart with that word
There is a realization that he’s not coming back
A thankfulness that I will see him again one day
But an almost resentment that he’s not here now
All I can do is cry out to You
You know how strong I have tried to be
You know how tired I am
God, I miss him
Everything has changed
Nothing is the same
How can I see him sitting at this table, when he never was in this house?
I know how we would sit here and drink our coffee while watching the morning breaking through the windows
I know the quiet talking, the soft laughter
Does he know the tears that fall in the darkness of this room now?
No one told me that 6 years later it would hurt this much
That the emptiness and loneliness would be so heavy & hard to bear
No one said that while life goes on for those around me
Mine would stand still even while moving forward
It’s like I am living 2 lives
One that everyone sees and hears, the one that they read about thru my writings ...
And the one that I really live
God, I miss my husband
I miss being his wife
In Jesus’ Name I cry out to You
Thank You for making me his wife
I will still love You, as his widow
Blessed be the Name of the Lord - You give and take away, still my heart will say, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!!
Jehovah Uzzi - The Lord my Strength
El Nehkumah - God of all comfort
El Nekamoth - God Who Avenges me
I am thankful that God knows the pain and sorrow of my heart
Thankful that He cares enough to read my tears
Thankful that He understands more than I can explain.
The kids and grandkids are busy
It’s that time of year for farmers and ranchers - busy with plowing, planting, cutting hay, baling and hauling; calving season; getting all the equipment serviced and ready for the summer times ... and doing so with the see-sawing weather! Hot one day, cooler the next. So dry at times that every step makes a puff of dust, and then the flooding that comes and turns it all into a slosh-pit of muck, mire and mud.
It’s the last of the school season for kids, and teachers - which means crazy schedules, early mornings, late afternoons, and exhausted minds. Counting the hours becomes the norm - no longer counting the days.
With their schedules, and now mine - our seeing one another comes in spurts. A few minutes here, a few there. Always precious, and even more treasured these days.
Looking forward to June 5 - 9. I am going to Sulphur Springs for doctor appointments, and a family reunion - - and it means that I get some TIME with my daughter and granddaughter!!!
- I am totally stoked and excited beyond words at the thought of going to the family reunion. It has been years upon years since I was able to go to one of these! Talk about someone counting the hours! LOL
And speaking of family -
My sister, Bettie, had done many years of genealogical research. After she died, I had asked Jimmy about all of it. Nothing ever came of that conversation.
But then, not too long ago, I found out that her son had gotten all the documents and information. I asked that I might be able to make copies of it all. He sent me word thru his wife that he was going to mail it to me!
I picked the box up this past Wednesday and it is a treasure trove!
Pictures. Genealogy charts. Stories. Books.
I have already enjoyed unpacking it all.
I know I am going to go crazy when I start uploading it all! LOL
Well, guess this has been a good catch-up time.
Hopefully, (no promises), I will do a better job of keeping up ;)
Remember - You are SO LOVED!!!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here