Saturday morning rambling thoughts

It’s been a little over 3 weeks since I last wrote
I wonder sometimes how time can seem to move so slow, yet speed by ... how does time get so mixed up?

I have now been working for Seniorly Yours for about a month. 
- and am in place at the resident house. 
- my schedule has me there 2 days on, 2 days off, and then working every other weekend. 
- the ladies are precious. Miss L is a sweetheart! And Miss R? Well, she’s a hoot! 

The job came with a small apartment. Well, more like a wee little cottage than an apartment. About the size of a large master bedroom with an attached bathroom. No kitchen. A small frig, and space along the wall to put a table that I might have a toaster oven, coffee pot, burner, and soon - a crock pot. 
- the bed was not comfortable anyway, so I have taken it down and replaced it with an electric recliner. The last lift chair I had was hard and actually uncomfortable. It served its purpose in helping me get up from sitting when I had my cancer surgery, but it just wasn’t fluffy. This one is! It feels like arms wrapped around me holding me when I sit there. The first night, I sat down and powered back with my feet up at 6:30 p.m. When I woke up it was 6:30 a.m.!!! I have not slept for 12 hours in YEARS!!! I was more tired than I thought! LOL
- I have one corner of the room with a table for my desk, looking out 2 windows. I get to see the birds at the bird feeder, and the squirrels along the fence top. Occasionally the squirrel gets too close to the bird feeder and the birds are NOT happy with him! LOL 
- having this wee little cottage provided is going to allow me to actively prepare for what I am praying for. An RV. There’s not enough room in this cottage for much, and with no cost involved, it will allow me to save money. I’ve started a wish list on both Walmart and Amazon for things I think I would like to have in an RV. And I am going to be saving money towards those things - whether I buy them there or not. My Pinterest is taking on a different look, too - ideas and thoughts, it’s a good place to bulletin board those. 
- God has the final authority for my life. He may not have the plans for me to get an RV, and that’s ok. But until He shows me clearly “no”, then I will continue to prepare for what I am praying for.

There are moments when missing CR comes over me and even at work, there are tears. 
I miss that boy more than I can say. 
He’s on my mind every day. 
Loving him changed my heart. So it’s no surprise that losing him has changed me, too. 

I sat here this morning at the breakfast nook table, drinking my coffee, watching the morning break thru the trees and clouds
And my thoughts turned, of course, to Rick. 
I found myself writing these words in my journal: 
God, here I am, Rick’s widow:
Will there always be that part of me that stomps her foot, with a pouty face, and says, “I don’t want to be his widow!” ? ? ? 
That insists I was a better wife than widow
That struggles and rebels with the mornings alone and quiet
That fights with the lonely nights
God, while there is an acceptance of being his widow 
There’s rebellion in my heart with that word
There is a realization that he’s not coming back
A thankfulness that I will see him again one day
But an almost resentment that he’s not here now
All I can do is cry out to You
You know how strong I have tried to be
You know how tired I am
God, I miss him
Everything has changed
Nothing is the same
How can I see him sitting at this table, when he never was in this house?
I know how we would sit here and drink our coffee while watching the morning breaking through the windows
I know the quiet talking, the soft laughter
Does he know the tears that fall in the darkness of this room now? 
No one told me that 6 years later it would hurt this much
That the emptiness and loneliness would be so heavy & hard to bear
No one said that while life goes on for those around me
Mine would stand still even while moving forward
It’s like I am living 2 lives
One that everyone sees and hears, the one that they read about thru my writings ... 
And the one that I really live 
God, I miss my husband
I miss being his wife
In Jesus’ Name I cry out to You
Thank You for making me his wife
I will still love You, as his widow
Blessed be the Name of the Lord - You give and take away, still my heart will say, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!! 
Jehovah Uzzi - The Lord my Strength
El Nehkumah - God of all comfort
El Nekamoth - God Who Avenges me

I am thankful that God knows the pain and sorrow of my heart
Thankful that He cares enough to read my tears
Thankful that He understands more than I can explain. 

The kids and grandkids are busy
It’s that time of year for farmers and ranchers - busy with plowing, planting, cutting hay, baling and hauling; calving season; getting all the equipment serviced and ready for the summer times ... and doing so with the see-sawing weather! Hot one day, cooler the next. So dry at times that every step makes a puff of dust, and then the flooding that comes and turns it all into a slosh-pit of muck, mire and mud. 
It’s the last of the school season for kids, and teachers - which means crazy schedules, early mornings, late afternoons, and exhausted minds. Counting the hours becomes the norm - no longer counting the days. 
With their schedules, and now mine - our seeing one another comes in spurts. A few minutes here, a few there. Always precious, and even more treasured these days.

Looking forward to June 5 - 9. I am going to Sulphur Springs for doctor appointments, and a family reunion - - and it means that I get some TIME with my daughter and granddaughter!!! 
- I am totally stoked and excited beyond words at the thought of going to the family reunion. It has been years upon years since I was able to go to one of these! Talk about someone counting the hours! LOL

And speaking of family - 
My sister, Bettie, had done many years of genealogical research. After she died, I had asked Jimmy about all of it. Nothing ever came of that conversation. 
But then, not too long ago, I found out that her son had gotten all the documents and information. I asked that I might be able to make copies of it all. He sent me word thru his wife that he was going to mail it to me! 
I picked the box up this past Wednesday and it is a treasure trove! 
Pictures. Genealogy charts. Stories. Books. 
I have already enjoyed unpacking it all. 
I know I am going to go crazy when I start uploading it all! LOL 

 Well, guess this has been a good catch-up time. 
Hopefully, (no promises), I will do a better job of keeping up ;) 

Remember - You are SO LOVED!!!