It's been over a week since I slept more than a couple of hours each night. At least that long, perhaps longer, since I have actually RESTED. At first I couldn't figure out why. Then the more I thought about it late one night, I realized the truth. Rick was always the guardian and protector of our home. Until the last 18 months of his life, when out of necessity I assumed that role. And now these 4 1/2 years without him, I have been that for me. I am exhausted from sleeping "with one eye open". I need more than sleep. I need the peace, safety and security to actually REST!
I have been in KY for about 3 1/2 years now. About a week ago the winds of change blew thru, and for the most part, took my breath away. Certainly didn't leave me feeling all warm & fuzzy either. But rather blustered, frozen, struggling against a cold spirit and a broken heart. I know that I will be ok. After all, I have survived the very worst - losing Rick, right? But now. To figure out how to pick up all the pieces and move forward into the unknown yet again. Back to wandering. Back to being alone in it all. Crying out for a break - just long enough to catch my breath and get on my feet. Sigh.
In these last few days there has come more clarity to my heart, as to what I do or do not want, what I can or will not live with. Now is the time to implement these changes, and go forth into the fray. I know it will not be easy, nor will it be pleasant. But I also know it is necessary. I choose to believe it will turn out good - if not for me, then for those in my life. I am going to treasure the moments and make memories from them. It's all I have ... it's all I can do.
I had hoped this year I would be better with the holidays. Not so already. Rick was a hum-bug about the holidays. He did not like the commercialization of holidays. But he always supported & helped me with whatever I wanted to do. It's not the same these days. Alone. No home to call my own. No food to call my own, either. I find myself missing the holidays more and more. The sights ... the sounds ... the smells. The hustle and bustle of shopping and cleaning and cooking. I miss being in the kitchen with someone. Oh how I miss that, on a daily basis, and even more at the holidays. No, the holidays aren't better this year ... at least not so far. Sigh.
Is it wrong to want to be loved again? To want to pour my love & spoiling out on someone? I will forever and a day love my Sweetheart. If it were a choice, I would be in his arms each night, waking beside him with every morning light. But that choice was taken from me. But I did not die when he did. My heart did not empty itself of all love and feeling when he died. My body did not stop aching and yearning for a touch, a forehead kiss, a hug, a smack on the ass. What am I supposed to do with all of this inside me? I have reached out, and I have had my hand slapped, my heart broken. I have prayed for God to empty me out so that I wouldn't feel this ache and pain. But still ... I do.