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My one day off this week ... facing a 3 day work weekend beginning tomorrow. I truly do care about these ladies that I help. However, I feel so very limited in my abilities ... and in my capabilities. My one hope and constant thought has become - His Grace is sufficient. His Grace is enough. When working 24 hour shifts, that are 2 and 3 back to back - the body, the mind, the heart, and the soul, get weary and worn. And from this past Monday until next Monday morning at 7 a.m. I will have worked 125 hours. That's just hard on this old body and heart of mine. Even when things are going good ... - but when things aren't so good - yeah, it takes a greater toll. I know that money is not everything. And it isn't supposed to be the entire reason for working. But ... it's a struggle not to think right now about $$$. I am working on a small monthly salary + this cottage (which is the size of a master bedroom with a bathroom). When I hired on, I told my boss that I was more than willing to do all that I could - but I did not want to work more than about 30 - 35 hours in a week's time. And no matter how I try to pencil whip these hours ... - 125 hours is MORE than I want to work ... - more than I can honestly work. Lord, please, move in my life ... - - or move me. Our sweet Alzheimer's lady. Things started going down hill for her a couple of weeks ago. A growing agitation and restlessness. Weakness that we were noticing more and more. We requested testing for infection. The first urine test came back negative. Even the blood work came back all clear. But her progression down was gaining speed. In the last week she took 4 hard falls, with hospice being called each time. Medication reviewed and instructions given. Yesterday, none of us could continue the way we were, so 911 was called. The EMT's arrived, and with love, care and protection, they transported her to the hospital. She does indeed have a bad bladder infection. She is back at the house this morning, on antibiotics, drinking as much as she can. We still aren't sure if all the symptoms are related to this infection, or if the disease of Alzheimer's has progressed as well. We won't know until the infection has abated. Praying for her, for her family, and for us as caregivers. Seeing her being loaded onto the stretcher, and rolled out the door, took my breath away. At first, I thought it was just because my heart was so concerned for her. But as the day grew longer, and my work time ended there ... I came to the cottage, curled up in the recliner, and literally cried myself to sleep. Woke with tears still streaming ... And then, I realized. The last time I had seen someone on a stretcher, being rolled out the door ... was Rick. I was completely unprepared for what this made me feel ... - how this took me back to that day 6 years and 3 months ago. Even now, knowing that she is back at the house, my breath still doesn't want to come "normally". Rick, I miss you. But just with every breath I take - and every move I make. Lord, I want so much to LIVE this life. Not just simply exist. These days, it feels like all I can really do is exist. And that makes my heart hurt even more. Please, show me how to just breathe thru these days. Trusting while praying that there will come a day when I will LIVE again. In Jesus' Name I ask. Thank You God for understanding me so completely. I love You. I know that Danny Gokey did not write this song for me ... well, he doesn't know that he did ;) But today ... these lyrics ARE for me. Devastated, an understatement It's not part of the plan You're asking why He didn't stop it If the whole world's in His hands Suffocating in the waiting And your faith is wearing down But there's hope even though You can't understand the pain of your road He's in the future, He knows something you don't One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this All done with it Better because of it, because of it Better because of it, because of it Someone's gonna need your story to get them through the night Someone's gonna see His glory, by the way, He won your fight There's a breaking in the waiting And the storm keeps bearing down But there's hope even though, even though You can't understand the pain of your road He's in the future, He knows something you don't One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this All done with it Better because of it, because of it Better because of it, oh Everything that you think will break you Are the things that He'll use to make you So hold on longer, so hold on Everything that you think will kill you Are the things that He'll use to build you So you'll be stronger, you'll be You're better because of it, ayy Suffocating in the waiting And your faith is wearing down, mmm Better because of it, because of it Better because of it, because of it Better because of it, oh Ooh, oh yeah He's making you stronger through it all Making you stronger Source: Musixmatch Songwriters: Bernie Herms / Emily Lynn Weisband / Daniel Gokey
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It's Sunday morning, and so far this weekend (Friday and Saturday), I have hid away in this cottage for the most part. Hot shower. Clean and comfortable sundresses. Bare feet. Hot coffee. Not eating a lot. Did drink a bottle of watermelon wine over the 2 evenings. So very good! Sleeping. Resting. Did some reading. And a whole lot of praying. Going thru some computer stuff, trying to do some organizing of my online life. Time with my son on the phone ... sure do love that boy! Listening to soft and gentle piano music, makes me feel like what I think it would feel like if God were holding me, rocking me, soothing me with His Voice in that sing-song humming. Just a "down-time" for sure ;) I am enduring a headache this morning. Think it has a lot to do with allergies ... and with this neck/shoulder where there is such a knotted muscle. And almost guaranteed that the neck/shoulder knot is from tension and stress. Woke up at 2:15 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. Feeling a bit anxious about this week, because powers that be have messed with my schedule and in these next 8 days I am slated to work 125 hours. - Not sure, but having used the calculator a LOT lately, I'm thinking that is over full time (40 hours) - anyway it is figured! I told the boss when she hired me that I did NOT want to work full time. That I would work and do my best in the job, but I needed and wanted to keep the hours around 30 at the most, with only on occasion it being closer to 40. ... trying to figure out how it has gotten to this point in just these 3 months of working. And pretty sure that this is the largest contributor to "Caregiving Burn-out". Just saying. I told myself, and God, yesterday that I would do this week ... and I will finish out the month of July. However, soon and very soon, there has got to be some changes! I am 60 years old, and I want a life more than this. I have spent a lifetime in a caregiving role ... No offense intended - But I AM TIRED. VERY TIRED. HEART WEARY. WORN OUT. I just can't continue at this pace. No matter how much I love these ladies. I can feel myself going down ... more quickly than I want to, than I thought I would. I am going to implement some changes this week and see if that helps at all. The last blog I talked about Caregiver Burnout, the signs and symptoms. In this one, I want to share with you some of the ideas that "might" help - - and hoping that even if they don't help me, they might help someone else. *Talk with employer. I am going to do this, but first - I need to try these other ideas. I have to "rescue" myself in this. And when I do talk to my boss? I want to be able to say, this is what I have done to fix this ... and while it has helped, it isn't "FIXED". *Join a support group. I looked at some caregiving groups, but every one that I have found so far - directed at family being the caregiver. I am not family here. So, rather than look at caregiving support groups, I went to the MyFitnessPal website, and have joined several groups in the forums there. As much as I love these ladies, I am realizing that this is not my LIFE. It's only what my job is right now. I need to be preparing for what I am praying for ... and that is MORE to life. *Find someone who will listen without judgment or agenda. This is a lot easier to write out than to actually do. But I am not giving up ;) I'm too stubborn for that! LOL *Get in, and stay in, touch with family and friends. I have already been working on this. And will continue to do so. A phone call when I have a few minutes. A message sent. Thinking about that quickly fading art of writing letters and sending cards. I used to do that all the time, it's time to get back to the basics of LIVING and LIFE. *Get out of the house. I'm going to start going for a walk in the yard every morning between 6 a.m. - 7 a.m. Just for a breath of fresh air. Both ladies are sleeping at that time. I will be just outside the door. Going to stretch my legs and arms, breathe deeply, and get back to centering myself with nature. Even a few minutes at a time. *Journal thoughts and emotions. I already have my prayer journal, but this is going to be a place for me to write my thoughts and emotions off and on thru the day - good, bad, or indifferent. *Pray and read the Bible. This has been my lifeline to sanity for almost 2 years now. I never should have allowed it to fall by the wayside after Rick died, but that's a whole 'nuther story. *Pamper yourself without guilt. This will be a hot shower at night after the ladies go to sleep. I know their routines pretty good by now, so I feel pretty good about a 15 minute hot shower. I'm already getting my nails done once every 4-6 weeks. I may start going more often, at least to have them filled once in between. The problem for me? The lack of guilt. I am the Queen of Guilt Trips ... especially to myself. I must stop that! *Make a list of daily activities. I know the things that need to be done, but there are times that it all gets scrambled in my head. And then, either something doesn't get done, or I am totally spazzed out about getting it done. I have been often criticized for making a to-do list. But in this, yeah ... going to do it regardless of what anyone says. LOL *Separate roles. This one is hard for me. It was near impossible when I was Rick's caregiver. And in these 3 months I have been greatly reminded of just how hard it is for me. Sigh. I cannot do all of this alone. Nor is it my job. As precious as these ladies are to my heart, they are not my family. I am their caregiver. Hired by this company to work here. I have to take that step away - let others do what they do, without my involvement or 2 cents. There is also that realization that this is NOT me taking care of Rick ... nor my Momma. This is my JOB. It's been extremely hard for me to walk away on my days off. To get out of the job in my head and in my heart. But I have recently come to realize just how important that is. I had to draw my boundary lines, and make them firmly in place. NO wiggle room. *Accept lack of control. Again, this is hard for me. I have a loving heart and a giving spirit. And I want to fix things for those I care about. This is NOT a fixable situation. It is what it is ... and it will be what it will be. I am there for care, for companionship. I am there to help insure their safety and dignity. Everything else is out of my control. *Realize that no matter what, this is not going to get better. I knew going into this resident house that this is not a "short term" situation where they will be rehab-ed so that they can return to their homes. This is their home, until their bodies demand more than we can give. Or until the Lord says "Enough". *Set realistic goals - for the hour, for the day, for the week. This is what I was talking about in the first thing, "talk to employer". My goals for this week are to try these things, but with the knowledge and realization that anyone who works 125 hours in 8 days is going to be EXHAUSTED no matter what they do or don't do! And having some health issues of my own to deal with? Yeah, gotta keep my perspective right in this. There will NEED to be a reduction in hours to work along with these ideas done. Also, I need to stop putting more on me than I can do. I cannot work 125 hours in 8 days and be here at the cottage taking care of cleaning, organizing, going thru stuff, making a "HOME". Realistically? This cottage is NOT my HOME. Realistically? I do not have a HOME at this time. This is where I sleep when I am not at work. This is where my things are stored. That's it. Don't like it ... but any more thoughts about this being "HOME", only lead to frustration and a greater dissatisfaction. *Educate yourself. It's hard to read and study about Alzheimer's, dementia, and even just old age. But the more I read, the more I know, and perhaps the better prepared I am to deal with the bad moments. *Lighten up, using humor to diffuse. If I cannot use humor to the ladies, then I will use humor to myself. Or I will message the kids and grandkids with something stupid or silly, or funny. I will watch more of the Mark Lowry videos. I will enjoy more of the older sitcoms whenever I can. I will spend some time scrolling thru pages of memes for something to make me laugh. This may be where I even download TikTok, LOL *Accept the feelings of being unappreciated, and being inadequate. Own it. Then - Let. It. Go. This is probably one of the most thankless jobs available. Caregiving. A caregiver gives a lot more than they ever receive. A caregiver loses a lot more than other people realize. I found that out when I was Rick's caregiver. - I have NO regrets about being his caregiver. There was never any question or hesitation on my part to do it. And now, looking back - yeah, I am so glad I did. This is different. I did not realize the difference until the last 2 weeks. And now, I find myself trying to work thru those differences. *Make time to do some stretching exercises every 2 hours. If I have to go to the bathroom, shut the door and just stretch and move for 10 minutes every 2 hours, I am going to do it. *Drink water, water, water! I already drink water. But not enough. Now that there are the extra locks on the outside doors, I feel a greater sense of security to leave our Alzheimer's patient and go to the bathroom. (And we all know that drinking more water, you WILL spend more time in the bathroom! LOL) *Eat more nutritious meals and foods. Be aware of empty calories. I try to fix the most nutritious meals possible for the ladies. But sometimes, well, they want the "junk foods" LOL - and at their age? What does it really hurt if they want ice cream for dinner, or Fritos for lunch? But I don't need that! So, this will be more of a challenge to myself. *Sleep when possible. Even a 10 - 15 minute nap can alleviate stress. Sleep is hard to come by when I am working. Even at night. There is an easy chair - that's not so "easy". It is worn out! There is a couch that is uncomfortable to sit on, and even more so to lay on. Besides, when our "A" Lady has taken to wandering more at night, I can't go sound asleep anyway. But this whole sitting up 90% of the 8 hour nights? Yeah, it gets too much for my old broken body. Especially when there are 2 - 4 nights at a time doing this. *Realize, and accept, that NO ONE is going to step in and take care of ME while I am taking care of others. If I don't make the time to take care of me, there will be nothing left of me to take care of others with! I think this is the hardest of all. Rick was always so good about having my back. He would fight for me. He would defend and protect me. He's gone. It's up to me now ... and I have never had to do this like I do now. I do not want this JOB to take away the best part of me. There is more to life than a JOB. - and when that job is requiring so many hours, for so little pay? It's time to re-think some things. So, as Rick would say, "this is where the rubber meets the road" ... it's time to make some changes. No matter what others think, say or do. I have been in much prayer and seeking God about all this. Researched, and read. And I'm not finished yet. But these verses give me affirmation and confirmation that what I am hearing in my heart and feeling deep in my spirit is absolutely right for me. : Proverbs 11:14 - "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. : Proverbs 15:22 - "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed. : Proverbs 24:6 - "For by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory." I will be blogging about this week, and how goes it with these changes. Good. Bad. Indifferent.
Sometimes life is more "eh and bleh" than anything. Busy with work, honestly busier than I want to be ... Tired, no - exhausted - when I get off work, so I try to decompress and rest, especially that first day off. And the days swirl into nights, which are endured until morning. Not a lot of changes, or exciting adventures, to share these days. Seems not even a lot of "new thoughts" to expound upon, either. I don't like it. Just saying. I. don't. like. it. Life is too short, too precious, and gone way too soon, to let these days and nights run together with little to nothing to write about. Lord, move in my life and change it ... or move me, change me. Please, Lord. Please. I've been doing some reading and researching into "caregiver burnout" ... and as much as I really do NOT want to write this, Yes, I think I have entered that all over again. Hopefully, this time, I have recognized the signs and symptoms early enough to catch it, stop it, change it ... before it completely takes me under again. It did that when I was Rick's sole caregiver. Sadly, even 6 years after he's gone, I still feel the effects of burnout ... and I think it has made it easier for this to start in on me all over again. Maybe I wasn't healed from that time with him, before I started this job in being a "professional caregiver". I don't know. I do know that I don't want to go down this path again. So, reading, researching, and praying A LOT - seeking a better way for me in all of this. There are 7 indications of Caregiver Burnout : 1. Feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation. Resulting in a deep sense of not being appreciated. Often leading to a difficulty in exercising and/or eating - where one either does/eats too much ... or not enough. Upset stomach, with gut issues developing, or increasing. Headaches. Back pain. Mood swings. An overwhelming sensation, where the simple every day things become too much. Yes. I feel these words. Deeply. Strongly. Sadly. 2. Increased irritability and agitation. Resulting in times of saying things you don't mean. Short temper, and long words. Lack of sleep, or too much sleep. Low blood sugar, brought on by poor nutrition. The belief that caregiving is controlling my life, rather than me controlling it. An anxiousness about the future, or a lack of concern/care. Yes. I have found myself just in the last week or so being short on temper, and feeling that sudden urge to lash out at whoever is the closest. Definite lack of sleep. When at work for the 48 - 84 hours straight, there is no comfortable place to lay down, and even if there was, it's a situation where in order to sleep, must keep one eye open, and one ear listening. And just in the last 2 weeks I have thought, felt, and wrote in my journal, about how caregiving is controlling my life - not what I ever wanted to do again. But ... here I am. 3. Lack of energy. The physical, emotional and mental demands leaves your brain feeling overworked, under-paid, and basically - "fried". Resulting in an overwhelming fatigue. Where every movement seems to bring pain. Where even taking a deep breath seems to big of a chore to do. Yes. Oh my word! Could this be any more ME right now? I don't think so!!! 4. Neglecting one's own needs. Questions to ask: *Do I bathe regularly? *Do I drink enough water? *Do I eat nutritionally sound food? *How much junk food/fast food do I consume? *When was the last time I "unplugged" and just settled in the stillness and quietness of the moment? Hard questions but ones that must be asked. Too tired to take a shower and deal with my hair, too many times lately. Making me think about a very short hair cut. But keep talking myself out of it, because I have had short hair before and didn't like it. Taking some time today to unplug. To enjoy the stillness and quietness. 5. Insomnia Inability to fall asleep within 20 minutes of laying down. Inability to stay asleep for longer than 2 hours. Inability to fall back asleep after waking. Yes. No other words to say, just a resounding YES. 6. Reliance on substances or stimulants to get you thru the day - whether working or off. Ask yourself WHY are you drinking? Or smoking? Yes ... if you count coffee! But on this one - honestly? I've counted on coffee for so long that I don't remember life before Coffee! I do not smoke. I do drink an occasional glass of wine, on my days off. Had a small glass of banana rum over this last weekend, while visiting with my kids and grandkids. 7. Losing interest in favorite activities. How much time are you spending with family or friends? Whether in real life, or on the phone, with messages. Hobbies that were once enjoyed have now been pushed aside. Do you feel cynical about life? About the caregiving? Are you resentful? Yes. This makes my heart cry out! Please God, help me out of this burnout. Been wondering if I am really ready to do this again. Yes, it has been 6 years since Rick died ... but have I healed enough to do this? Still praying for that answer. All of these things can lead to an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. And since in answering these honestly, I must answer "yes" - it's time to do something! I am important to me. God, please, show me what to do, and teach me all the how's. I don't want to be burned out. I want to take better care of me. Please, help me. I am going to take some time this day, this weekend, to read, to pray, to search out my heart ... and hopefully with God's help, find a way out of this before it gets more of a hold on me. Prayers would be appreciated.  I sit here at 9:55 a.m. on this Saturday morning. I enjoyed a couple of cups of Southern Roasted Pecan coffee - oh my goodness! This tastes like Heaven must feel! Pretty sure God drinks this ;) LOL Been watching it rain. People call me crazy, but I love a rainy morning. Especially when drinking a wonderful cup (or 3) of coffee! Listening to soft and gentle praise music, no words, just the music. Calms my heart and mind. And I am reminded all over again about how much I miss the conversations with Rick. There were battles of mind and will in our marriage. Even arguments sometimes. But when we sat with our coffee ... oh the conversations we would have. We could (and did) talk about anything. We would discuss and share. This morning I miss the conversations about God the most. How we would take a Bible verse or story, perhaps just a topic that we were interested in, and we would read ... and then talk. What did those verses say to you? To me? What application do they have in our life today? Intimate conversations. No judgment if we disagreed. How often the light bulb would go off for one of us, then for the other. We would smile, and sometimes a soft tear would roll down our cheek. The hand that reached across the table and took mine in his - The look of love between us. Oh how I miss those conversations. Even more so this morning. The topic of discussion on a Facebook post this morning was, "Was Jesus ever sarcastic?" One was very adamant in saying "NO! He was NOT!!!" No offense intended with my words then, or now - But ... Jesus WAS sarcastic. Jesus fought against an entrenched power structure. One that was in contrast to the Loving Heavenly Father. Sarcasm is the use of irony - saying one thing while meaning another. Sarcasm and satire are both used to expose the foolishness of people's actions. Used properly, it is gentle, but firm. A way to get the point across to someone who is being hard headed and stubborn. So many people, especially Christians (or so it seems) have the misguided notion in their heads that all sarcasm and satire is sinful and wrong. It doesn't have to be. Therefore, nothing could be further from the truth. Sarcasm and satire are NOT plain old insults. Sarcasm and satire can be very pointed, provocative, rebuking even, but not sinful - IF what they convey is the truth. There are stories after stories of where He was talking with, to and about the Pharisees and religious leaders of the day, and He used sarcasm as a rhetorical weapon. Mockery, satire, and sarcasm do not have to be mean spirited responses. Sarcasm and satire defy the status quo, challenge power structures and strip away affectation. Jesus was all God, yes. But Jesus was also all man. A real human with real emotions, and a real sense of humor. Which made Him our Perfect Savior. He knew the life we live. He knew how dirty and messy life gets. And He showed us the way to stand firm in Who He is, and who we are - HIS. Jesus was sarcastic toward the Pharisees, and He was even snarky toward the Jews that wanted to stone Him, BUT - and here's where reality meets Jesus: He still died for each and every one of them. He loved them to the ends of the earth, and into eternity. He just didn't feign politeness when a dose of real sarcasm was necessary. He kept it REAL. And I for one, am so glad He did. Matthew 12:1-3 John 10:31-32 Luke 13:33 (Love, love, Love this one! He’s basically saying, “I know you Jews love to kill your prophets. Far be it from me not to trek back to Jerusalem to give you the opportunity. ) Matthew 23:4-7, 13-15 Which all makes me very glad indeed that God understands me completely. I will continue to miss conversations not had, though. For there was another who understood me as well. And I deeply miss being understood.  |
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here 
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Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His. Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me. Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to. Great grief is indicative of a great Love. Rick, my Sweetheart. Margaret, his Beloved. Always & Forever. |
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