I had a "moment" yesterday. During a conversation with a friend "griefer" - and we were talking about grief. What is it like? When will it just go away?
And we both realized - Grief does not go away. It will NEVER leave. It will always sit upon us. That's what makes us different. That's what changes us.
This is what my friend said --
Many people find that over time, grief becomes more manageable. This isn't because the grief lessens. It's because you get stronger, or better acquainted with it. Think of lifting weights. Imagine that grief is a weight that you're carrying around. In the beginning, it's very hard to lift. Over time, you find it becomes easier, and you can lift it with a minimum of the effort that you once used. Did the weight become lighter? Not at all! Still the same amount of weight. But YOU changed.
I was sitting here chatting with him - and i looked down at my hands, when i did, i saw my widow's ring. And i just thought "WHOA!"
My widow's ring is a small gold band, with a pearl set in the middle, and a small diamond on either side. I got it because (1) my name means "Pearl" and (2) because of #1 - Rick always said i was "His Pearl of great price".
A diamond is created with pressure being on a piece of coal - not for a day, not for a moment in time. Pressure that is put upon that piece of coal - never letting up, but creating something of great value and high brilliance.
And a pearl - an oyster has a grain of sand find its way into his shell. Have you ever really paid attention to how big a grain of sand is NOT? But that grain of sand irritates that oyster. He becomes uncomfortable. The grain of sand HURTS him. But rather than get rid of it, what does the oyster do? Add a layer of protection ... and another ... and another ... and another - and he keeps adding that layer of protection, every time he feels irritated by it, or uncomfortable with it, or it causes him PAIN. Another layer. And then one day - a Pearl is found. Beautiful. Stunning. Shining.
This has given me more hope for all of us who "get" this grief walk than what i have had in these 8 months. Thank you my friend for sharing your heart with me. Don't ever stop!
I have been the one for 8 months to say - "I am not the only one grieving for Rick." Trying to understand and be compassionate to those that he loved, that loved him. And also knowing that everyone grieves differently. Even those who are grieving for the loss of their heart and soul - they grieve differently than I do.
I'm just tired and weary, I guess. Perhaps it has to do with the "season". Perhaps it is just that point of my own grief walk.
I know that there are days that i make no sense to you.
*I laugh until i am out of breath ... and then, the tears start and won't stop! *My attitudes have changed. My patience has changed.
-What i used to be so impatient over - muddy foot prints on a clean floor, dirty laundry not in the hamper, dirty dishes left out over night, the TV too loud, supper getting cold instead of eaten, and such - matters absolutely nothing to me anymore. And i really don't mean to not pay attention if someone is complaining to me about those little daily things. I get it - i know how important those little things are in your life, in your world. I've been there ... more often than not, now, it is a vivid slap in the face that i don't have those little things to complain about anymore.
-and there are a couple of things that i have a zero tolerance for now -
(1) rude behavior. There is a way to disagree with someone - but don't be rude! RUDE - abusive, crude, ignorant, impolite, insulting, vulgar, bad-mannered, discourteous, inconsiderate, ungracious.
(2) others who have no experiential knowledge of the grief walk i am on telling me what i should or should not do, or worse - what i can or will do, or what i cannot do. There is a difference when someone offers a suggestion - but when they shake their finger at me! Oh Hell NO! I am a grown woman! I am in a HELL of a nightmare. Be kind. Be nice. Offer me your love, your hand, your ear. But do NOT tell me what i AM going to do!
*i am listening to music again. But not limited to only one genre. There is too much soul in the songs. Songs say what i cannot. And then, there are there moments that a song will start the tears all over again. But as i wrote the other day - there is healing in the tears when the music plays.
*i don't eat the same ... or dress the same ... i don't do the same things that i was doing a year ago ...
*and the list of changes goes on -- spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. there is not ONE part of my life that has NOT changed.
*Thank you. I know I am not an easy one to walk with. I know that I have those moments that cause you to sit back and wonder - What was I thinking? But be honest - didn't i warn you? *smile*
*Thank you to my children. I know that sometimes you look at your mother and wonder "WHAT???" Thank you for loving me thru all this. I love your daddy. Always have. And i forever will. He was my Sweetheart. My Soul-mate. We went thru a lot of life together - for 35 years. No matter what - he is my husband. I love him. And i miss him like crazy. No matter what - I always will.
*Thank you to my family in the support group. Wow. Y'all make me cry ... and laugh out loud! You hold my hand in the worst times. We share everything - and i wouldn't have it any other way! I love you so much.
*Thank you to my Best Friend. You are amazing. You know me better than anyone else does. You know what i think, and how i feel. You have a way of knowing when a moment is on me - and you send me a text that makes me smile. How do you do that? Because you know. And you care. Thank you. Thank you for bringing the music back to me. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for all the tears you have quietly let me cry. Thank you for your perspective. Thank you - for everything. I am humbled and honored to be your friend. Thank you for being mine. I likes you - a LOT.
This song is for YOU. Cause you make me SMILE.