4 years Later

Christmas Eve's eve. 
December 23, 2019
Also 4 years 8 months since I last saw Rick's eyes or heard his voice. 
The emptiness today is strongly felt by my heart & thoughts.

In some ways I do not feel any better than I did 4 years ago. 
4 years ago today I was here at my son's house. 
Facing the first Christmas without Rick. 
Today, I am here at my son's house. 
Facing the 5th Christmas without Rick. 
So much has changed in these 4 years. 
So much remains the same. 

I have lived these 4 years.
Went to Kentucky to visit a friend, to help him with his granddaughter. And stayed for 3 1/2 years. Helping him with a start up business, building 2 websites, and working as unofficial office manager. 
Spent time exploring some of the historical places of Kentucky. 
Watched (and got hooked on) some great TV shows. 
Experimented in the kitchen - creating some recipes, tweaking others. 
Met some very interesting people, some that I hope will remain friends long beyond my trip to KY. 

And I have grown stronger as a widow in these 4 years. 
I know more now of what I can live with, and what I don't want to live without. 
I know more of what I want, and mostly what I don't want. 
Much of which I have written, and will continue to write, about here in the pages of this blog & website. 

I have spent money that I much regret. 
Yet, as the days are gone and I cannot recall them ... so is the money. 
So, since it does not good to "cry over spilled milk" (or spent money & time), I will take another deep breath and press on into this day, the rest of this month, and the coming New Year - with a renewed sense of what NOT to spend time and money on. 

I have gained friends who are more like family.
I have lost family who are more like strangers now.
And I have had friends flow into my life and then flow away - like the ebb of a tide. 

While I feel stronger as a widow, I also feel just as vulnerable, just as lost - as I did 4 years ago.
I still do not know where to go, or what to do.
I still have no answers for the rest of this life. 
I still feel very much out of options - due to lack of money. 
I know what I would love to do - but I don't know how to get there from here.

I also know that I can do this life alone, but I don't want to. 
I would much prefer to have a companion, a friend, a trusted one - to share this life with, adventures, good days and bad times. Someone to hold hands with - yes, even in public. Someone who will smack my ass when I walk by, or who will wrap me in his arms kissing my forehead and making me believe yet again that life is good. Someone that I can pour out all this love that is inside of me on, who will let me spoil him like crazy. Someone who wants to sit out under the stars on a summer night and talk about life - past, present and future. Someone who will dance with me in the rain, and make me laugh when the tears are pouring down my cheeks. Someone who has ambition and desire to build a future together. Someone who isn't put off by my weirdness, but rather embraces me JUST AS I AM. Someone who respects and honors Rick, as well as the place he has in my heart & my life. Someone who will love and honor my kids - all of them - and the relationships that I have with them. Someone who will let me love their kids with all my heart. 
Will that 2nd chapter happen for me? 
Only heaven knows. 
If it does, God will orchestrate it. 
I'm too old to go "fishing". 
And if it doesn't? 
Then I had all of this and more, for almost 35 years with Rick. I guess that will have to be enough. 

This coming year of 2020 I hope brings with it a clarity for my life.
That is the best I can do for now ... HOPE.