A few coffee thoughts

Yesterday (5 of 112) came and went, spent busy with computer work - the end of year financials.
I am beginning to see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel ... just hoping it isn't a train! Sigh.

I enjoyed several good conversations with friends, one in person, and the rest thru Facebook messenger.
It feels good to reconnect myself.
I have no expectations of "long-term" relationships, or even friendships.
I wish I could find strength and courage to build on conversations.
I cannot allow my heart to hope for more than this one conversation, this moment.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick."
I can't believe my heart will take suffering much more heart - sickness at this stage of my life.
Maybe down the road.
Too raw, too vulnerable, now. 

I am neither seeking, nor asking/expecting, the rest of my life to be lived "in love" with someone, nor that someone would ever love me again. 
I had that with Rick. He loved me. I loved him. 
Not giving up, just reconciling my own heart to not being loved from this moment forward. 
We grew up together. I know for sure I will never have that again, it simply is not possible. 
Yes, I would like the chance to grow old with someone. Knowing that the probability is not high of that happening, I do not build upon the dream fancy of it. 
I am a good woman. Not ancient, but certainly not young either. 
I know my worth & my value. I know what I "bring to the table". I am damn good at loving & serving, being that helper in life. 
I also know my shortcomings, faults and flaws. 
So far, the whole package is not desirable. Not marketable. 

I am struggling a little with "survivor guilt" or just plain guilt for being able to say "I'm doing good".
I still often wonder why I lived and Rick did not.
But for that matter, why did I live when so many did not?
Is it ok for me to be doing good after only 32 months, when so many are not doing very well after years on this journey?
I know that everyone moves along the grief walk at their own pace.
I also have no illusions that my dark and down moments are over.
Grief is like the ebb and flow of the tides - it comes ... and it goes. 
I find myself wrestling with the thoughts, "Is it ok to be doing good?" "Is it ok to enjoy doing good?" vs "How can I be doing good? It's only been 32 months." "Rick isn't here, how can I be good at all?" "Not knowing where I am going to be tonight, next week, next month, how can I be good?" vs "Life is just life. Not all good, not all bad. Just life. Enjoy the moments. Life goes on."

I miss Rick's wisdom and perspective.
I miss the safety of talking things over with him - he didn't judge, seldom criticized. He just let me talk things out. I would always say, "Thank you". His answer? "I didn't do anything. You already knew the answers." I miss him so much. 

This week will be a week of pressing forward for me. 
**Finish the end of the year computer & paperwork. 
**Hand it over to the CPA.
**The new regulation "AS IS" forms all filled out and placed in the cars. 
**Continue working on the inventory records. 
**Balance my checkbook, closing out 2017. 
**Pay bills that are due this week, no more waiting till the last day (or past). 
**New glasses should be here first of the week, I hope so! 
**Clean up my phone - download pictures to the computer, delete old messages, delete unused apps.
**Start working on cleaning up the computer - saving the pictures into folders, then transferring over to flash drives ... finally deleting them from the computer! 
**Using the arm weights & bands to begin tightening (hopefully) and firming (please let it be) my back & arms. 
**Still seeking answers for "Where should I be?" "What should I be doing?"

One week at a time. 
One day at a time.
Moment by moment. 
Life goes on. 
My choice is to march forward with it. 
Living, laughing, and yes, LOVING, my way through it all.