A Rambling of Sorts ...

Yesterday, April 14, was my baby's birthday. 36 years ago I was blessed and highly favored with a son, Joshua Dalton. He has always been a joy to my heart, and a strength to my soul. Even more so since his daddy died 4 years ago. Happy Birthday my Love ... always. Momma loves you! 

I'm learning some hard lessons these last few weeks. Things that I am pretty sure I already knew, but somehow in the course of these 4 years they have gotten pushed away into a corner, into a dark hole, or forgotten (?). Wherever they were, they have returned. Lessons re-learned are much more difficult than lessons learned. Growth takes Strength, Courage, Grace. It's not an easy road. But better than staying where you are. 

Still not knowing what my life is going to be ... nor where. But knowing one thing - I have a LIFE to live and LIVE it I will. I lost the LOVE of my life ... but I did not lose the love FOR life. That was a major step in realizing that this last week. I would have thought it came with guilt ... but it only came with peace - - and freedom. 

8 more wake ups and it will have been 4 years since I saw into Rick's eyes. 
I wonder how that is even possible? 
We never spent over 24 hours apart, and even then, we were on the phone most of those hours. 
How have I endured 1,453 days without him? 
I miss you Rick. There will always be an emptiness inside of me where our love lived and our life was shared. No matter where I am, or what I do - I will love you, I will miss you. You were the absolute best part of me. 
I have spent a lot of sleepless hours these last few weeks. 
Wondering who I am?
What am I supposed to do?
Where am I to be? 
Is there a 2nd chapter of love and life for me? 
Will my destiny now be followed out alone? 
I miss so much, Rick. 
Arms to hold me. 
A kiss. 
Ears to listen without judgment. 
Memories kept. 
Commitment without fear or worry. 
Oh, Rick. 
I miss you so stinking much. 
I even miss our arguments. The freedom to disagree without fear of reprisal. 
I love you. 
I wish you were here now.