2016 found me. Does it find me better? stronger? I hope so.
I know now that this grief will be with me for the rest of my life. But there is coming a day when I will be a bit stronger - and I will be able to carry it longer without the meltdowns. And in that thought, I find the strength to endure the storms of grief and loss and loneliness now.
There are those that think I should be "over it all" by now ... the only words I have for those? I hope that you never know this kind of grief and loneliness and emptiness. I get it - you won't understand unless you know it. So, I hope you never understand.
I know that life moves forward. The world doesn't stop for my broken heart.
I know that Rick's body is at rest, no more pain and suffering. He endured more in the last 4 months, especially, than what most ever endure in a lifetime.
I know that I still breathe and move. And that I want to be carried forward on the wings of change and life.
What does all this mean for me? Where will I go from here? What will I do? I have a LOT more questions than what I have answers for. And it seems that if I do find an answer to one - there are at least 3 more questions that come up. Sigh.
But I now know this - I want to play in the snow, dance in the rain, explore in the sunshine ... I don't want to sit down in the chair, or lay in the bed, and just *be* there - in grief, in loneliness, in the darkness. I want to LIVE this life that I have been given.
There are some (friends and family) who think I am just absolutely losing it ... but I assure you - I am NOT losing "it". I have lost everything when Rick died ... I am now finding ME.
I wonder where this journey will take me in this year ... I don't know - but I know that I am going to do just this ... Stop thinking so much ... And just go where my heart takes me!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here