Changes ...

 Life changes ... and so have I. For all the years of growing up, I was daddy and momma's "Margaret Lee" ... and then, in that one day - I married and became "Mrs. Ricky Lee McCoy". For 34 years, 7 months, 17 days and 11 hours. And then ... that part of life that sucks - death came and took Rick from me, took all that I was away, too. Life changed - I had no choice.
For good or ill - I have changed. I am now a widow. Rick's widow. And yet, I know that is not WHO I am. That is the life I have to live. And I must find the way thru all the widowhood, the fog of grief, the numbness, the tears, the anger, all the stages of this grief - and believe you me, it is not an easy way.
I thought you moved from stage 1 to stage 2 to stage 3 and so forth.
Oh Hell no! Stage 1 then stage 7 and bounce back to stage 2 and on to stage 5 ... and then just for good damn measure - throw in stage 3,578!
And roundy roundy we go - all the way back to stage 1!!! --oh and that is before the FIRST cup of coffee!!!!
I will never be the same as I was.
Life has become "before Rick died" and "after Rick died".
I am told that is "normal" - Hell, I don't even know what "normal" is anymore!
But - I have no choice but to breathe in and breathe out ... one moment at a time ... one day at a time.
I will NOT give up.
I will NOT quit.
I will be ME.

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I am still so in love with Rick - I feel like my heart has been ripped out of me.
I miss him like crazy - every moment of every day.
(And if you think otherwise - you really do not know me at all.)
I loved that man from the time I was about 11 years old. I sat my cap for him. I dated no one else.
I wanted no one else.
I said more than once "If I cannot have Ricky Lee McCoy - I will grow old alone. I will NOT have anyone else."
And he loved me - with a passion ... treated me like a queen ... he was my king. We loved and we lived. We went thru hell and high water together, over the hills and round the mountains - literally, and figuratively. We just lived and loved TOGETHER.
That is the most awesome word - TOGETHER. When you are together.
And then when death happens - it is the LONELIEST word in the English language. Together -- no more.

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But you know what I realize? 12 days before the 11th month of life without my Sweetheart?
(1) He's not coming back. No matter what I do or what I do not do - Rick is gone. He is not coming back. I am left with a lifetime of memories, and an emptiness that I must learn to live life with.
(2) Life doesn't stop because of my broken heart. No matter what, Life goes on. One moment at a time. One day, one night. Each 24 hours. Life goes on.
(3) I press on forward. I breathe in. I breathe out. I cry until I laugh. Then I dry the snot bubbles. I laugh until I cry. And I find that the meltdowns come less often.
(4) Those that promised to "always be there for me" in those hours after Rick died, Life goes on for them - even tho Life for me came to a screeching upside-down-inside-out stop. I do not fault them - I remember all too well those days when I promised to "always be there" for those around me who had lost their spouses ... and then, Life went on for me. And months later - sometimes years - I could not understand or grasp that they were "still" grieving. I am sorry to each one of those ... I am so sorry.
(5) I am not the only one grieving. Not the only one grieving for Rick. And certainly not the only spouse grieving the loss of heart and life and soul and joy and peace and all that goes when he/she dies.
(6) These that are living this walk of grief, they are fast becoming framily to me. Friends that are family. There is an understanding between us that defies all explanation or definition. We are there for one another in the best of times - we giggle and we laugh ... we are there in the worst of times - we scream, and cry, and curse. And we send hugs and kisses and love and prayers and thoughts to one another by any means that we can - messaging, texts, Facebook, phone calls, and when we can ... face to face, arms around one another.

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(7) I am slowly changing ...
--I have more patience in some areas than ever before. And in other areas? Well ... my patience and tolerance is at an all time zero level! Especially with rude behavior, or just plain stupidity. Yes, stupid should hurt!
--A desire to try new things, have new experiences, make new memories. Alone, and with friends. Alone, and with my kids and grandkids.
--Less caring of what others think about me. I never want to be mean or hateful - I really do care about others. But ... I maintain what I have said now for these almost 11 months ... This is MY grief, MY journey, MY life. I have to live this in the way that makes the most sense in a senseless life - to ME.
--My emotions seem to be settling more. Less the pendulum ride.
--Working on losing weight and getting in better shape. I have lost about 65 pounds since Rick died, and still working on it. As well as beginning to work on toning and firming this old body up. I will never be the 18 year old again - but ... I want to be the best 54 year old that I can be. I want to be better ... to feel better ... and yes, not with vanity or pride - but I want to look cute, hot and sexy. 
--I cry less ... smile more ... giggling ... laughing. Does NOT mean that I miss Rick less, or don't love him as much as always.
LIFE goes on ... and I must adapt to live it.