Widow thoughts with God and Coffee

God, here we are, full circle again ;) 
Where it all begins - 
I am Your woman,
And Rick’s widow
Living this life
Stumbling
Bumbling
A heart’s desire to do better, to be better
But with the reality of my life seeming to be like the movie Groundhog Day
Over and over and over 
Not really growing
Not really changing
But not going backwards either
Just here - always “ok”
Nothing majorly wrong
But not a lot whole lot right, either
With the whole ALONE thing screaming at me constantly
God, I want to pull myself up - but it’s hard.
- just as hard as it would be to reach down and grab hold of my boots, then lift myself off the floor, both feet at the same time
God, I sit here this morning with the realization yet again - 
- I am Alone.
- I have no one to call
- no one to be accountable to
- no friend to reach out for when my heart is hurting 
- no one to listen to my heart, my mind, when the thoughts, the ideas, the dreams, and the memories assail me from every side
- no manual for living this life
- no one to help me navigate these waters
It’s a lonesome feeling, God
God, I know You have me, 
And I have You
You are holding me
You are guiding me
But sometimes I miss the steps, and I don’t make it right
I question what I hear in my head - is it You? Or is it me? 
Yes, there’s a lot of information in our world, most of it accessible by the Internet
- but how much of it applies to me? 
- how much of it is real? 
- how much of it is solid truth? Even from those who declare they are Christians
God, I need YOU to show me the way thru all of this
- I’ve never walked in a mine field, but I have seen TV shows and movies where people did
- and this is what I imagine it feeling like
- believing in getting to the other side
- but not sure 
- with every word spoken, is it too loud, will it vibrate the earth too much under my feet?
- with every step taken, is it too hard, will my foot land on an explosive mine? 
- with every thing done, God, is this the one mistake away from You leaving me this way? 
God, will You help me, please.
In Jesus’ Name
Thank You, God, for loving me completely, understanding me fully
I love You!!!
Blessed be Your Name!!!
El ha-Gibbor - God the Hero, God the Strong, God the Warrior
El Shaddai - Lord God Almighty, the All-Sufficient One
Migdal Oz - Strong Tower, my Stronghold