Early morning heart Thoughts

​4 years. 
4 years since I have seen Rick's eyes. 
4 years since I have felt his touch.
4 years since I have listened to him breathe ... and snore. 
4 years since my life stopped, got turned inside out & upside down. 
4 years since I lost my best friend, my lover, my strength and my joy. 
4 years. 
I miss you Rick. 
More today than that first day without you. 

I am still struggling with who I am now. 
What I am supposed to do. 
Where I am supposed to be. 
And the how's of getting there from here. 

I am lonely. 
Lonely for not just companionship and friendship.
Lonely for that inner connection - that sharing of hopes and dreams - that being real about worries and fears. 
Lonely for a touch - a forehead kiss - a hug for no reason, and that wasn't asked for - holding hands quietly. 
Lonely for a place to call home - where "me things" can be about me - where I have a say in how things are laid out and decorated - where I have the freedom to clean ... or not, lol. Where my heart is a part of the home. 
Lonely for a life that is worthy of living - - not just surviving. 

I miss my kids and grandkids. 
More than words could ever say or describe. 
I know they have their lives ... and that they are doing well. I am so stinking proud of each one of them. 
I don't ever want to be a burden to them - - not in a visit, nor if living with them is what life says do. 
But I miss their hugs and their laughter. 
I miss the memories. 
The interactions with those who know me best and love me the most. 

I am doing my best. 
And most of the time? It feels like my worst. 
Never enough. Nor quite right. 
Off center. 

**I have enrolled in a few online courses, but finding it difficult to know when to pursue those studies. Helping out at the office with this new start up business that a friend owns now. Then helping as much as I can inside the house, and out in the yard - I am staying here with friends, at no charge to me. I can't justify NOT helping. Then when night comes and bedtimes are reached ... I am exhausted, having usually fallen asleep while the TV is one. I wake up most mornings between 2 - 4 a.m. with the sleepies stronger than I can bear to fight against. 
**I have joined Weight Watchers online, and yet, have not interacted at all. Sigh. I don't feel like I have the control of my life to actually share as they all do. I hesitate ... I lurk thru the pages at times ... and I wait for ? ? ? 
**Still with the desire to write ... but not sure where or how to start. In talking with others about what to write, I have been advised and counseled not to include the "bad" parts of my life. ? Yet, it was all the bad and all the good rolled up together that has made me who I am. So, if I leave out the bad parts? How is that being honest and true? The end result so far has been to feel stuck, and overly conscious of the words that I write - - even here. 
**I love taking pictures, one of these days I will have a real camera, not just my phone. But even with my phone alone, I enjoy taking the pictures. I don't feel the freedom to share those pictures as often as I would like to - most of them are either here at the friends' home (and I almost feel like I am intruding on their privacy to share) ... or on adventure trips with them (and again, I feel like I am intruding - especially when they share basically the same pictures). Sigh. 
**I even bought some books, real-hold-in-your-hands-books. Have yet to open one to read. When? Sigh. How to read without giving the perception to these here that I am lazy or wasting time? Sigh. 
**I have loaded my Kindle with books ... and have only perused the titles. Well, I did open a couple and glance at the table of contents. Sigh. 
**I bought a small "box theater" kit. Thinking that it might spur my creativity, at least a little. I opened it. Cut out the background. And boxed it all back up. 
**I have purchased a desk top size fairy garden. And it sits in the box. Where do I put it? I don't have a desk here at their home. The desk at work is already overcrowded (it is a counter space, not an actual desk that I can call "mine"). 
**My heart screams for a vehicle of my own. One that I can at least call "my space", "my territory". One that I can put all "me things" into - not that I could actually access them, but at least they would all be together and in "my place". I have spent so much money in the last 3 years - just trying to live & survive, pay my bills, and to help out here, carry my own weight as much as possible (groceries, when they go out to eat, even buying gifts or things for the BBQ/kitchen/office) that I do not have enough money to buy a vehicle out right. I need financing. But without a utility bill in my name ... or without a paycheck that proves "viable income" ... UGH

Saying all of this to say - - I have never felt as "STUCK" as I feel now. 
Stuck. "Baffled. Caught. Fixed. Full of difficulty. Filled with confusion & bewilderment. Trapped. 
               Ensnared. Burdened. At a loss." 
Abandoned. "Forsaken. Weed-grown. Not lived in. Empty. Rejected. Cast out. Having been given 
                          up and left alone." 
Neglected.  "Disregard. To not be cared for properly. To fail to do as through carelessness. 
                        Underestimated. Undervalued. Unappreciated."
Alone. "Without help. Solitary. Apart. Unattended. Deserted. Forsaken. Forlorn. 

This was not what I thought being a widow was all about. 
It is. 

​Now to figure it out ... sigh. ​