Early morning coffee thoughts ...

This necklace was a surprise gift from 2 of my grandchildren. :)
Joshua and Dessie decided about 2 months ago to homeschool their kids - and they asked me if I was willing to work with them on it. I said, "Of course". 
So, that is what we have been doing. They have helped me to create a new website just for the homeschool ... Miss Crazy's Life School. Yes. LOL ... 
When they gave me the necklace last night it was with "You might be Miss Crazy - but you are the BESTEST teacher ever!" LOL
It is a challenge - keeping their interests strong ... they are 12 and 10. I think one of the greatest challenges has been (and continues to be) getting the public school mentality out.
I have the utmost respect and honor for our teachers and educators - mostly. There are a few I would like to "Jethro-slap" ... sigh. But I also realize that the ones who make the decisions are not the ones in the classrooms.

We are painfully aware of all the arguments for and against home school.
But it is a decision that was made after much prayer and thought, after many discussions and even arguments ... and a decision that is based on what is best for the kids.
We only ask for your prayers.

Yes, this is my Bible. And yes, I have drawn these pictures and colored them.
For me, it is a way to really focus on what I have just read - and a way that I love on my Lord. I used to draw Rick pictures, just little love notes. To me - this is a small way that I can leave my Lord little love notes. If it is wrong - I don't want to be right. It works for me. 
I am not a good drawer ... never have been. A flower ... a vine ... a sunshine ... a cloud or two ... my skills as an artist is extremely limited ... but I am trying - using what I can do, even trying to learn more.
God knows my heart, tho. And He loves me - just as I am.  

I am also making quilts. Using Rick's shirts, and some of my momma's quilt pieces. My hands won't let me do the small stitches any more - so I am using the "tie" way of making quilts. 
The first one I made was for me - from the pictures of his T-shirts. I sleep with it every night. In fact, it is draped around my shoulders now as I type. There is something so comforting about it - I feel held.
I am making one now for my sister. Rick loved her so much. I hope that she feels loved when she snuggles under it. :)  

There are many who have told me to "smile" ... to "move on with my life" ... to "get a grip" ... to "not cry so much" ... to "not talk about Rick as much" ... that I am "posting too much about grief and loss on here and on Facebook" ... just simply that "life goes on". I am told to "be thankful" for the time we had together. To "rejoice" that Rick no longer hurts or suffers.
I try. 
I try to smile - but you try to know that my reason for smiling is no longer here. There are tears in the smiles, and smiles in the tears. 
I try to move on with my life - but you try to realize that I am lost. My life was being Rick's wife for 35 years. It has now been 206 days without him. Give me time to figure out who I am now, without him. Oh, and I will NEVER move on without him! He goes with me, in my heart, in my memories, no matter where I go!
I try to get a grip on my emotions. But under the advice of my doctor, and counselor - I must allow the emotions to be expressed.. I'm sorry if you cannot handle the tears, or the hurt. God can ... and does.
I cry. I don't even try not to. Deep love = deep grief. Deep grief is manifested in me thru tears. I cry. I will cry. If you don't want to wipe away a tear - don't.
I will talk about Rick as much as I want to and need to!!! He deserves to be remembered. His legacy lives on in me, in our children, and in our grandchildren. I do not want him to be forgotten. I want him to be loved and to be cherished. 
If you think I am posting too much about grief and loss - here or on Facebook - don't read what I write. Grief and loss is my LIFE right now. Deal with it - or move on past me.
Yes, life goes on ... how well I know that. If I could have a choice - the world would stop because of my broken heart. But I don't get that choice. Life goes on. Good, bad, indifferent. Life goes on.
I am extremely thankful for the time that Rick and I had together. I have regrets and wishes. But it does no good to dwell on those. So I focus on our times together - good, bad, and indifferent. We lived. We were not perfect. But we were perfect for one another. I know that we had a Love that many have never known, many will never know. I do not take that lightly, nor for granted. I am so thankful that Rick loved me ... and that I was allowed to love him.
I try to rejoice that Rick no longer hurts and suffers. He went thru so much - especially the last 5 years or so. I believe he is at peace and his soul is at rest. But I have yet to find that "joy" that he is not here. There is a peace that passes all understanding that has been on me since the moment he died ... and there is an abiding "joy" deep within. But the "joy" of this life? Not yet. Not sure if ever. I miss him so much.
We did everything together. I guess the only thing we never did together was when I went to pee. We were each other's onlies ... he was my best friend, I was his. I miss him so much.
Rick - I love you.