Even if . . .

This album, Believer, by Kutless was released in February 2012. 
Rick's diagnosis of Acute Kidney Disease, with Renal Failure, was given to us January 2012. 
My diagnosis of uterine cancer was given to us August 2012. 
                              
It was a time after my diagnosis that Rick and I first heard this song playing on the radio. 
Instantly, we knew deep in our souls that this was OUR song. 

In those 3 years before Rick died, we listened to this song at least once a day, with a fair estimate being 9 out of 10 days. 
A river of tears was cried by both of us. Sometimes alone. Often together. Tears mingling as we held one another. 
Every time we heard it, or sang it, or even thought about it - our souls were made stronger, our hearts were comforted, and we just held on. Thru it all. 

During the worst of times, we were angry to hear it - even just to hear it playing in the back of our minds. We didn't want those "even-if" moments. We wanted healing - for both Rick and me. We wanted to live, together. We had thoughts, ideas, plans and a vision. And death was not welcome. 
Every shred of hope that the doctors and nurses offered us, we clung to like someone drowning must cling to a lifesaver. When we received the worst of news, we would just look at one another and say, "Even if". 

We did it all. 
We argued with God. 
We bargained with God. 
We promised to faithfully love Him and serve Him all our days - if only . . . 
If only He would heal us both.
If only He would let us live. 
And then came the moment of truth for each of us - 
What if we aren't healed? 
What if either one of us, or both of us, do not live? 
Does that change Who God is? 
And then again, this song would come to our minds and hearts. Over and over and over again. Thru all those long nights and dark days. 

That morning that Rick died, as I stood in our bedroom, and watched the EMT's work on him, with the deputy at my elbow - I cried, I prayed, I begged. And I heard the words of this song in my heart. With the tears running down my cheeks, I softly said, "Even if . . ." 
And then, the EMT looked at me, with tears in his own eyes, and said, "I'm sorry, Margaret." 

For days that led to several months, I cried out to God. 
And then, came the day that I stopped. I just couldn't anymore. 
All those prayers, all those tears. 
And Rick died. 
I became angry, frustrated, discouraged. 
One thing after another was said, or happened all around me. 
My purpose and direction for life and living was gone. I was nothing but an empty shell. Going thru the motions of being strong for everyone around me - for the kids and grandkids, for family and for friends. I was false-fronted to the umpteenth degree! 
Oh, I kept on praying - for others. But I could not find one hope of asking anything for myself. 
I didn't question God's existence. I questioned mine. 
I didn't wonder whether God was with me. I wondered why I had lived thru cancer, and Rick had died. 
I simply could not pray for me. 
As I look back, I know that I was shrouded in grief. Inconsolable grief. 
And in those 4 years, I made mistakes.
I took missteps. 
I made choices and decisions that not only hurt me, but far worse - those choices and decisions hurt my children and my grandchildren. 
There was (nor is there still today) no manual for being a grieving widow. 
Oh I found somewhat like people. Widows and widowers who were dealing with their own grief. All different ages, races, religions, beliefs. All at different points in their grief. All with a different story of life together with the one who had died. 
But I found not one who really understood, from experience, what I was dealing with. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Or financially. 
There was one here or there that offered to at least try and understand. 
It was the most alone time of my life. 
I felt more alone and afraid than the morning that Rick died. 

I found myself in a miserable and horrible situation, with no way out that I could find. Hours upon hours of thinking, considering, looking for an answer. And every hour just left me more empty, more hopeless, more despairing. Nights without sleep. Days that were nothing less than absolute torture to live. Barely breathing. Afraid to do or say anything to anyone outside my immediate world that I was living in. Manipulated. Neglected. Abandoned. Used. 
But then, there came the morning that I loaded all I owned in this world into my vehicle and I started driving. Driving. Hours upon hours of driving. Just to get away. Constantly looking in my rearview mirror, seeing the fear reflected in my own eyes. Afraid that I was being followed, that someone would find me. 
Stopped for the night at a motel, a good meal, a hot shower, a little sleep amidst the tears of being alone. 
The morning sun saw me already on the road again. Taking me to an unknown future. 

And this morning, I sit here looking out the window as I write these words. It's been 3 years and 4 months since that morning sun. 
Been a lot of tears. Seen a lot of miles. Dealt with a past that I very much regret. 
Met a lot of people. Lost a lot of people out of my life, too. 
Deconstructed my faith before it was even a term. 
I had to get to the lowest point of my life, to look up again. 
And then, I had to decide what I believed, and what I did not. 
Not what my daddy or momma, nor Rick's, believed. 
Not what my husband believed. 
Not what we were taught to believe in the various churches we served in and with. 
Not even what Rick and I had preached and taught so many to believe. 
But to find out what I believed. For ME. 

I am still learning. 
But this I know without question or doubt - 
- the words of this song. 
Perhaps the most truest words to ever be written in a song. 
I tried to pick out the one line that spoke to me the strongest - I can't. 
I thought there must be one section that spoke the deepest - there isn't. 
It is the 238 words that speak the strongest. 
It is the 6 sections that speak the deepest. 

EVEN IF . . . Kutless
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are.
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are.
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise.

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Songwriters: Tony Wood, Scott Krippayne. For non-commercial use only.