Looking back ...

I don’t know how  many “waves” a storm can have … but we are experiencing the first of what will  probably be many in this season of our life.
We  have been hanging on – sometimes by only a frayed thread – for 2 years now.

Ever since Tasker Products, Inc. closed its doors.
Best job Rick had ever had – good and sound one day, the very next – gone.
2 cents of advice?
Don’t EVER go to work for a “publicly traded  company”!!!
When the stock market crashed, so did the company, so did our lives. 

We have been in a downward spiral now for 2 long hard years.
Today … we see the “end” of these 2 years … and HOPEFULLY a new beginning.

(Praying with all my might that it won’t be  worse!)

We are packing and loading today … moving our stuff into the old homeplace in Sulphur  Springs. The house is not ready to be lived in … so, we will “camp out” at  Rick’s parents’ place for a while.
A while being however long it takes to get the old house ready to stay in.
Which will be determined a lot by the job market in that area.
Frustrating how it takes money to do anything!!!
I will be sad to leave this little house in Selden, TX.
Kurt and Vickie have been absolutely awesome landlords. They have treated us more like family than like renters.
Rick and I have had a lot of good times here in this little house – with just us, with Josh and Dessie,  with our grandkids, a New Year’s Eve party with Josh and Dessie and Mandy and all the grandkids.
Many walks around the driveway  and down the country road.
Many an hour spent in prayer and reading the Word – and God has taught us some  invaluable lessons here.
I guess  you never live in a place that you don’t leave a part of your heart and self. 
Sigh.
We have had some bad times here, too.
Arguments and sick days.
But, that’s life.

I will miss our church. Double N Cowboy Church. 
I will miss Jimmy (our pastor). He has a true pastor’s heart.
I will miss Damon – what a heart for God!
I will miss Marjorie – quickly becoming my best friend.
I will miss Rose – always had a smile and a hug.
I will miss  Sue – always a hug and a laugh.
So many I will miss.
I will miss the worship services – hearing “our band”.
I will miss the laughter and the teasing of everyone.
I will miss the rodeos.
I will miss it all … the tears are flowing hard this morning as I think of all that I will miss.
A part of my heart will stay wrapped up in that piece of land 6 miles outside of Dublin, TX!!!

So many things I will miss about this part of Texas … so many memories of our times together, and our times with the kids and grandkids.
My heart feels like it is in pieces this morning as I sit here in the early morning hours … 3:13  a.m.

I am trying to be strong – especially in the daylight hours.
Rick is having a hard enough time with life right now … he doesn’t need to deal with a wife that is “falling apart”. 
Sigh.
So, I  breathe in and breathe out during the long days … and I cry and pray thru the long and dark nights.
Waiting for the storm to pass … wondering what will be left.
Rick’s parents are coming today with their pickup and trailer.
We will load 2 pickups and 2 trailers and we will drive away.
Hopefully, driving TO a continued life and more memories.

Rick has said that he feels burned out in looking for a job.
I can understand.
In these 2 years, we have lost count (somewhere around 300 ?) of the applications and resume`s he has sent out.
Few if any call-backs.
So, where does he look now?
We will be searching within 50  miles of Sulphur Springs to start with.
Just need something that will pay at least $400 a week.
We  won’t have any rent or house payment at the old house – but there is plenty of money that needs to be spent to get it in shape!
Plus all the other bills and utilities and food and fuel.
Sigh.

There have been a few paychecks these 2 years … but nothing that was “lasting”.
Nothing that we could be sure and count on for the next one.
We are empty. 
We have used even the “fumes”. 
This really is a beginning again. 
Our bank accounts are as empty as our hearts and minds.

No one  knows the pain of my heart and soul … how do you put it all into words without sounding like whining and complaining.
I don’t mean it that way.
I’m just weary and tired – beyond all words or descriptions.
Finding it hard to even pray.

I love my husband.
I love my children.

And I absolutely adore my grandkids.
It is for them – that I continue to breathe in and breathe out.
They are the wind beneath my wings.