Miracles ...

I long to have a miracle in this body of mine.
I have been dealing with the "change" now for about 12 years. Endured night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings, the aches and pains of the hormone changes ...
But by far, the hardest thing to deal with has been the period junk. (Sorry if that is too much information... sigh... but it is the reality of my life and body - and begins the basis for this post.)
I have prayed and cried ... I have reached for the hem of His garment. Wanting the miracle that the woman in the Bible received. She had had an "issue of blood" for 12 years. Spent all she had. Had no hope. Sought after Jesus. Reached for the hem of His garment. Got a miracle. Was healed. Jesus said, "Someone touched me."
I have prayed. And cried. I have sought. I have reached out. But for whatever reason - no hem of His garment can I find to touch. And no healing miracle have I received.
I have tried to praise Him in the storms. Even tho He has not swooped in and saved the day for me.
Tried to just trust in Him with all my heart - leaning not on my own understanding. Course, I have had no understanding to lean on!
Spent so much time and money - trying this and trying that. Talking to other women. Listening to doctors and nurses.
I'm done. Exhausted. Worn out.
Still - no hem of His garment do I even see. Wondering if I would have the faith now to even reach out and touch it if I could see it.

And in these hours of sitting and riding over the roads and thru the mountains this week, I still pray. Still ask God to "stop the bleeding".
Why must I be punished? Why can I not have a miracle? These are my questions to God.
And His answer?
Have I stopped to consider that He has given me miracles?
...a husband who is more understanding of this body of mine than I am. Than what other husbands are - or at least from what I hear other wives say.
...bathrooms when I need them.
...as bad as it has been - I still go and do. I am not in the bed with any of it.
...times with the kids and grandkids even in the midst of it all.

But God, these are not the miracles I want!!! Sigh.

Lord, help me to see and to appreciate the miracles that you give to me - even when they aren't the ones I want.