I've opened this page a hundred times this week to write. I sit for a few minutes and stare at the blank page. Seems "perfect" to me, so I close it.
The only thing is - it won't allow me to post a blank page.
That is my heart, my mind, my soul, my life.
Yes, I know the adage about having a blank page, how that gives you a world of opportunity to write whatever you wish.
I also know that whoever said that had never faced these blank days and nights alone ... or when they have lost everything.
As much as we all want to say "money can't buy happiness", the truth is that without money, you can't buy anything.
A place to lay your head at night. A vehicle that will get you to and from anywhere. Comfortable shoes. Comfortable clothes. Glasses to help you see. Dental work so that a toothache doesn't haunt you. The list goes on.
Life goes on.
Rick, I truly miss YOU, just for you. For your laughter, your smile that lit up my world, your smells and sounds, your touches, your forehead kisses, and all the thousand little things that made you, YOU. I miss YOU.
Today, I also miss terribly the life we had, the stuff we had accumulated thru the years. I miss your coffee cup, your cereal bowl. I even miss your favorite spoon and fork. I miss the glass you always drank out of. I miss holding your Bible. I miss having things that you used, that you touched, that you wore. I miss the security of knowing I was cared for, that I had a dependable vehicle to drive whenever I wanted to go wherever. I miss the solidness of knowing that I was loved, even when I was loud or quiet, mad or happy, sad or on top of the world, when I made mistakes, and when I got it right. Selfishly, I miss all of that, too.
People say, "Fuck Cancer" and I agree. But someone needs to say "Fuck Kidney Disease", too. Cancer is not the only disease that takes so much away.
I would be your caregiver a thousand times over again. I hate that you had to suffer so much. I am thankful that your body is at rest and the pain is no more a part of your days and nights.
The only thing I wish? I wish there had been (I also wish there was one today) a manual of sorts for how to be a caregiver to yourself while being that to someone else.
I think "me" got lost somewhere along the way. Not sure if I can find her again. Knowing that even if I do, she won't be the same as she was back then.
I love you, Rick. I have since I was 10. Nothing changes that.
Life goes on ... and I am trying.
But, damn it's hard.
Sometimes just too hard.
I keep hearing the Reba song, "Is There Life Out There?" The words, "I've done what I should, should I do what I dare?"
I keep telling myself that to move forward in this life does NOT mean I don't love Rick, that I don't miss him, that I actually enjoy this life without him. I also keep telling myself that it really does not matter what others do, or say, or what they think. (Can you begin to get a tiny glimpse of what a difficult struggle all this is for me?)
It is time to take a few steps forward ...
*I need new glasses, again. Tired of the headaches. Tired of the eye strain.
*I also need some dental work done. I hate dental work. I know, nobody "likes" dental work. However, it is the hardest thing for me to heal from. Just having a filling done will take me almost a week to get over. My mouth just does NOT heal well. Sigh.
*Time to get back to walking. I was walking a LOT. It was helping not only with my physical body, but it was helping with my state of mind and emotions. It gives me time to think, away from TV, away from the computer, away from the phone. I need some of that time!
*I'm looking for a vehicle. I need one that is dependable. I would LOVE to have a truck, but not sure if a truck is the most practical for me right now. I do not have much, but what I do have? I have no where to put it, except in my vehicle. So, I am thinking that a SUV will be more logical and practical for me. It will be a means of getting around, but it will also serve as my "closet" or "storage unit".
The problem is not having the money to buy one without financing.
Because financing is a MAJOR problem. I have found out that being without a "permanent residence" is the hurdle I just can't cross. In the world of "finance" a permanent residence means that at least one utility bill is your name. Sigh. Staying with family & friends means no utility bill in my name.
Others say, "Just get a place of your own" - - problem there. Without a "viable means of support" I cannot.
Yes, I get the widow benefit's check on Rick ... it isn't enough to pay rent, buy all that I would need to set up a place (I don't have a fork, a spoon, a salt shaker, a towel, let alone anything else), pay utilities, and purchase a vehicle. --**which just for the record, is why I said what I did earlier about "money can't buy happiness", but it does buy what we need. Sigh**--
I have been told to simply "pay yourself", as in whatever I could afford to pay for a vehicle, save that each month until I have enough to buy one. I am trying. I do get discouraged and frustrated at times. Knowing that no one is going to swoop in and rescue me ... simply because I am so damn tired of taking care of me. Sigh. Oh well ... right?
*I have decided to work on that book that Rick wanted me to write. Will it ever sell? Time will tell. I do not have high expectations of it. But I will be able to look at Rick's picture and say, "I did it, Honey, I did it."
*I am also going to use time and effort to put into this website, to develop it even deeper. Adding genealogy to it. I am thinking about adding a section for recipes as well. Kinda bringing my life all together in one central place.
*My car that doesn't work, that sits in a friend's yard, needs to be gone thru and cleaned out. I have been using it as a storage place. Time to go thru what is in there and decide what is worth keeping, and what is not. Enough.
*I am going to clean up this computer, saving everything to an external hard drive. I have this sick feeling that as old as this computer is, it may not last much longer. The other 2 laptops I had made it about 5 years each ... and yes, I am pushing that on this one. So, before I have the major regrets that I have from the other 2, I want to take proactive steps to prevent those regrets.
*I have also decided to make a "Life List" - things I want to do, places to go, experiences to have. Maybe making the list will spur me into finding a way to cross a few of them off as I go. Maybe it will give me a direction of sorts, a purpose to at least plan for. When the mind won't quiet at night, maybe I can take those times and do a bit of planning.
So, see, I am thinking about moving forward ... now is the time to get that started.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here