I sat here in the quiet apartment last evening,
and wrote these words:
"Trying to work things out in my head about living alone ...
It's all so weird, God
So very weird
Not sure I'm doing it right
But not sure I'm doing it wrong, either.
I miss people
Seeing someone else
Talking to someone else
Being in someone's way
Someone being in my way
I miss laughter
I miss the bad days almost as much as the good ones
I miss wondering what someone else wants to watch -
- and not liking their choice, lol
I miss hearing someone chew their food -
- and it annoying me
I miss being an annoyance to someone else, too
I hear the noises of my neighbor,
and I hear his times of silence as well.
I wonder if I am listening to my movie too loudly
but then, I think maybe if I am, he would knock on the door and ask me to turn it down -
- at least it would be a moment of people interaction, right?
I enjoy moments of being alone
but I am a people person
This living alone is a different time of my life
And I realize that having been so very sick since moving in here hasn't helped one bit
Isolation is a terrible thing
It messes with your mental state
and causes all kinds of emotional distress
It physically hurts not to have people interaction
Touch deprivation is a real thing
I think this is the worst of Covid-19.
I believe there is coming a better day -
one where I feel like getting outside
To sit on the porch
To take a walk along this back road
Hopefully there will be a time of meeting people
but at least being out in nature once again
I know that this has taught me a valuable lesson -
how important a phone conversation can be!
God, help me find YOUR way for me in this living alone
and help me continue to heal and recover from being sick."
With the Census 2020 being over and done now, I am starting the arduous task of looking for work.
I really enjoyed the Census work.
Driving the back roads and searching those addresses out.
Meeting the interesting people along the way.
Being right there to catch the perfect shot of the day on my camera.
I will miss all of those moments greatly.
And yes, I would do it all over again!
Having been out of the work force for so long, and at 59 years old - there is not a great demand for my particular set of skills. A company weighs their amount of time and training into someone with how much time and work they will get on a return.
I get that. I understand the thoughts.
I also know my value and my worth.
I would like to work 3 days a week, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
Make enough money to pay my rent here, cover my fuel cost back and forth to work, and possibly pay for having high-speed Internet here at the apartment.
I know that I need to get "more well" and "stronger" before going to work, but I think now is the time to look for work, to make applications.
I have thought about working from here.
The saddest part to those thoughts?
The scams that are so prevalent and play on the people who live alone, or are needing to work from home.
So, let the challenge begin again!
I have watched more movies in these last 2 weeks than I have in the 5 years since Rick has been gone.
Those last 4 months of his life, we watched movies a LOT because he really did not feel like doing anything else. Movies that we had seen a dozen times are more, but we enjoyed them just the same.
These last 2 weeks have brought a lot of those memories back to my heart.
I have caught myself smiling with the memory of a certain line from a movie that Rick loved and would say many times after watching it. "Spit it out!" (from the movie Crossfire Trail)
And I have found myself dozing off in relative peace and comfort with a movie playing. With that old familiar feeling of being safe and protected. Then waking half expecting to see Rick's smiling eyes upon me. Taking a deep breath when all I can find is his picture.
Making a list of movies now that I would like to see, will be checking with the kids to see if they have any of them.
I do not have TV service, and do not expect to have it. That is an expense that I simply cannot afford at this time. I would prefer to have high-speed Internet here than to have TV service.
This has become my morning prayer:
God, this day is Yours
It is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!
It yawns and stretches before me -
A day yet untouched
Moment by moment to be lived, to be felt, to be experienced
Secrets that lie around the bends of the day
Treasures waiting to be discovered
God, breathe on me - Your life
Open my heart that I may know
Open my ears that I may hear
And open my eyes that I may see
God, I don't want to miss a thing!
Thank you for loving me
I want to spend my time today loving You back!
In Jesus' Name
Blessed be Your Name O God!
Migdal Oz: Strong Tower, my Stronghold
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here