The Afternoon

Years of counting the hours before Rick gets home is a habit proving hard to break
after 5 1/2 yrs of him not coming home
and after less than a month of me living alone
My mind  still thinks in terms of 5 p.m. being the “cut off” time to do anything
That it is time to put things away for the day 
Begin supper
Look forward with expectation to an evening of conversation
yet for me, it’s not
at this point in my life I have no “time”
days follow the nights 
nights follow the days
the only difference is whether I can see outside when I look out the window or not
Until I get a job to work away from the house, there really is no time
I wonder if there will be a job for me
There are limitations to how much I can work - due to the widow benefits
There are limitations from my body as to what I can do 
No longer am I able to kneel, or squat 
- a knee that is pretty much blown just doesn’t work that way
No longer can I lift 50 pounds or more, and certainly not repeatedly 
- a shoulder and hand that doesn’t cooperate in those terms any longer rules over the desires
I do not see well enough at night to do much driving after dark , blasted astigmatisms 
- in case of an emergency I can and will drive even after dark
I haven’t been in the work force much in my life
- being Rick’s wife, the mother of his children, the keeper of his home ... that was my career and I loved every minute of it! 
- working with him thru the years in his jobs, doing all I could to support and encourage him, even to going with him helping him
- worked for a short time (without pay) as the ‘unofficial’ office manager in KY
- worked for the Census, really sad that that job is only every 10 years! 
Oh I know what I can do
What I would bring to the table of a job
I know my value and my worth
But in the eyes of employment
I am not a “hire-able” candidate
Not one who is highly sought after
59 years old, and only able to work part-time
And with limitations
I understand that few companies (if any) will want to invest time and money into training me - 
- because they look at the bottom dollar: what will be the return on their investment
- if they hire and train someone who is under 30 years old, no matter their limitations, or experience - they have the potential of getting 30 years of work from them as a return
- if they hire and train me, well ... they know at the best they are looking at maybe 10-15 years return. 
I have started the search for something to do from the apartment - online perhaps
- the scams over-run everything! 
- I know there are legit work at home jobs, especially with Covid-19 this year. But trying to wade thru the searches and find one is proving a headache of monstrous proportions! 
- I’m to giving up though! Too stubborn for that! 
But until something comes along that requires a clock 
There just is no time for me
It’s weird actually. 
Very weird.
I sit here and wonder how long it will take to re-wire my brain with these thoughts and realizations
Rick, I always tried to appreciate the time you gave me in the evenings - 
- our conversations before supper
- our conversations after, while we cleaned up the kitchen, or sat in the porch swing, or perhaps while we walked
- the times we discussed TV shows we were watching
- or had a lively talk over a movie we just saw
- but never have I appreciated all those times with you as much as I do now
- and just so you know ... I miss you