Things realized ... and learned

​1. Yes, I am a widow. 29 months now. 

2. No, I do not want your boyfriend / husband.  

3. Yes, I miss being loved, but even more - I miss loving someone. I like me more when I can give the love away that is locked in my heart and soul. 

4. I know my value and my worth as a woman. I also know my flaws and shortcomings. All things considered, the whisper of hope that someone will love me, or even allow me to love them, is fading quickly. I am thinking that I was loved. Operative word being "Was".

5. I am not expecting someone to step in and pick up where Rick left off. What I had with him was a lifetime. We grew up together, we were married for almost 35 years. I will never have that with someone else again. I do not look for it, nor expect it. However, the thought of growing old with someone who loves me, who will allow me to love him? That I could do, and do well without taking one thing from Rick and the love we shared.

6. I am not looking for money, houses, cars, credit cards, trips, or any thing such as. All of that can be there, or not. All of it can change. I have had all that ... and lost it when I lost Rick. In the process of life, loss and grief I have learned an important lesson. None of that matters. It is the heart. If I am looking for anything, now or ever? It is simply to love someone.

7. I believe that you can learn to love again after loss. Love again does not always "just happen". Choosing to love someone, learning to love that one, does not diminish the depth and strength of that love. It is romantic and full of joy when "it just happens". I believe it can be learned and be just as sweet and precious. I also believe that when it is right, it will scare the hell out of you! ;) 

8. Grief will remain. Always. As the grain of sand remains within the pearl, even though the oyster has added layer upon layer around that sand, the sand remains. Always. So will the grief remain, no matter the layers upon layers that we add to it. That being said, if life allows another chapter to my life, then the grief will carry on ... but so will I. 

9. I am told that I must "love myself first" - before anyone else will love me. To those who say that? Thank you for the added guilt and pressure. I am not worth being loved by anyone until I get my heart and life in order. Wow. I learned to love me AFTER Rick loved me, AFTER he chose me for his beloved. I love me most when I am loving someone else.
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10. Life goes on. Whether I want it to or not. Whether with someone or alone. Life goes on. I ache deep within my soul to belong somewhere. If not to belong to some ONE, then at least to belong some WHERE. As of 29 months, I wander. Belonging to no one, belonging no where. Yet, going on with life. Because life goes on.